Hey there, Pei! Remember me? Captain Brent Roless from the
Fairly Bruised But Not Actually Bloody Mary? Yeah, the old girl finally kicked the bucket, and my crew decided a month back that they were done hauling ass and went off to become gangsters or something down in the Ulistrano Solar System. Those poor sods are probably dead now, though.
Anyways, a captain without a spacefaring vessel might as well be a quadruple amputee with no education, and the royal hunters from planet Karn are STILL after my ass for that time where I backhanded their hyper-bitchy princess, so hey, wanna do an old friend a favor and let him hop aboard? Really, I'm not asking for much in terms of employee rights. Just give me four hours of sleep a week, let me stock your bucket of junkyard bolts full of alcohol, and I'll show you a whole new world.
Oh, right, actual resume. Guess you'll have to put up with my masturbation for a bit then, if my divine drink-mixing skills aren't enough to get your interest. If it is though…just scroll down, my friend!
You're not?
Ok.
Time to stroke my ego.
What Makes Me Better Than Everyone Else (that would apply to a position)
Not ten, not twenty, but THIRTY years of captaining a vessel that would make your ship look like a top-of-the-line Arcturus Surface-Razer.
Who can make nothing last forever? This guy.
Physical stamina that will make anyone breathless (robots not included).
All those other fatass meatheads work for what, maybe a day? Two? But me? Six day shifts are nothing. Don't even need coffee or adrenaline injections for that. You want shit done consistently? I'm the man.
The ability to transform into one scary motherfucker. (this was totally just a conveniently placed picture, but fuck, it's badass)
You see, as a captain, I only have one problem with your 'no uggo' request. Being surrounded by beautiful babes is anyone's dream, but, honestly? When you need to extract information from a tough nut that's high on painkillers, you can't just expect that your cute little face will intimidate them, right? Thankfully, you got a Prec'Ilae on your side! Unlike most, I can go from roguishly handsome spacefarer to nightmare fuel alien face-sucker in exactly…0.18 seconds. Breaks my heart every time I give someone a heart attack, but for you, my friend, I'm more than willing to break one of my hearts for the information that you seek.
G-g-g-g-g-godlike gaming skills.
Remember that one time where I only had singles, but still made all those other card sharks fold in that poker game down at Cadelonia? Remember that one time where I 1v9'd all those Champion-ranked players in that MOBA that was popular a couple of years back? Remember that one time where I crashed a fighting game tournament, broke both of my arms, but still managed to beat the three-time world champion with my feet alone? Really, my feats speak for themselves. If there's ever a point where the fate of the ship depends on some arbitrary bullshit that a self-proclaimed King of Games challenged us to, just leave it to me. I'll crush him in seven seconds flat. Of course, you could probably shoot him dead in less than that amount of time, but hey, Pei, you're not a boring ass pragmatist, right? Right!
Super Galaxy Level Low Maintenance Level.
Should be obvious now, but come on, you know me! The guy who tries to get as much done with as little as possible! The one that purchases weapons capable only of Single-Shot mode, because he doesn't want to waste bullets! The one that can take nutrient pills for a year straight and come out of it perfectly fine! Unlike all those silly-billies that need fancy automatic weapons, just watch me clean house with my MIKASA Five_Over Rifle OR my Ares Matter Blaster OR my Monomolecular Crafting Knife OR just consider the fact that I can do what other people do with power suits…without a power suit (at least when I go full Prec'Ilae on their ass. Pretty cost-efficient, right?
Now, there's a whole bunch more I'd like to say, but the waiter's giving me shit about 'stealing' the store's Wi-Fi when I already ordered a glass of water, so yeah, bai bai darling~ Hope to hear some good news!
And by good news, I mean the fact that you'll employ me as your first mate, because you value my amazing jury-rigging skills, my heart-meltingly handsome human face, my countless years of experience, my monstrously cost-effective combat capabilities, and, above all, the beautiful, ever-lasting friendship that we totally had together.
We did have that, right?
Surely you can't keep grudges for
that long.