W
Warm Regret
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Awesome! My post should be up by tomorrow! ^_^ I'm assuming everyone is on the same island at this point but we just haven't met each other yet?
@the.complex-of-constellations - Alaska and I went through your sheet, and whilst we sympathize with the fact you lost your original CS, this current CS needs some work before we think we can accept Iolana/Ilani into the RP. We like the base concept, and there are some interesting pieces of writing within the CS, but right now we think she needs some revisions before we can understand her character and accept her into the cast.
>Firstly, the CS has some formatting issues, which not only makes it a little hard to read, but it'll make it somewhat awkward for you to edit.
>We feel like the history, whilst interesting, is a little too mysterious, with many things (such as her origin, or why she had enough natural talent at such an early age for monks to consider taking her on) being mostly unexplained. Also, with characters such as Jozue, there are parts where the he/she pronouns are mixed up which makes her/his/their character somewhat confusing to understand. Also, the explanation of Kirupili's character (as I assume he is a key part on how she managed to learn Suntsumei) is somewhat vague.
>Having a Lumina Suntsumei is fine, but your wording of Iolana's Suntsumei makes it seem like Lumina is just an 'ability', rather than a whole fighting style. A Suntsumei is a whole style of fighting which, when the fighting style is properly achieved and mastered, the user will be able to access otherwordly powers (in the case of Lumina, the ability to read one's opponent). At the moment, the wording makes it seem like she's just able to use the 'read your opponent' part in combination with her own fighting style, which isn't really how Suntsumei works.
>Also, to build on the Suntsumei bit, it's a little vague on how Iolana was suddenly able to master Suntsumei. How did she suddenly gain the enlightenment to learn such a complex thing after her failures to learn it? Her just 'suddenly awakening her abilities' feels a little out of nowhere, and needs to be explained a bit better.
>The name of the MC Jozue has in the history, 'Bladeblooded', isn't a possible name for a Moriae Card. MC's should be named after existing songs/albums/artists (for example, how Stands in the Jojo's Bizarre Adventure series work). Re-evaluate the R9 of the rules to see how MC naming works.
>Having a dual personality is fine, but at the moment, we feel Iolani/Ilani personas were written in a somewhat confusing manner. When does Ilani's personality instead of Iolani's surface? Do they switch personalities at regular or random intervals? Does Iolani's entire body language and tone of voice undergo some sort of transformation when Ilani appears, or from the point of view of other characters, will it just look like it's Iolani acting different? We're fine with the concept, but at the moment it seems a little too vague to understand.
If you're able to make the requested changes to the sheet, and are able to help us understand the things we're confused about her (as there might be some things we may have misunderstood), then we'd be happy to have her as part of the cast.
I am in love with this. Give me a moment and I'll create a sheet asap (if youre still accepting).
>Within her history, why was Poemi - a new member - the one to be bestowed the Moriae Card within the Thieves Guild? Bear in mind Moriae Cards are very rare, and very hard to get a hold of, and Hybrid Theory seems like a particularly potent card that many would desire. Was it because she'd become a favorite in the guild/was more skilled than most, or something like that?
>Despite Poemi's backstory of thievery high jinks, has she never been spotted doing stuff by MAGNA before, explaining her 0 bounty? If your plan was for her to be that good, you don't have to change this or anything. Just asking for clarification.
>We like Hybrid Theory as a card, as it has the potential to be used for many creative applications and is versatile in a good way. However, can the 'incompatible disintegration' thing work on human targets, or does Hybrid Theory just not work at all on humans? If the former, we think that the ability to basically insta-gib two humans when she tries to fuse them is far too strong, even if it would be out of her character to ruthlessly kill like that.
>Other than that, because this card is super versatile, we're going to trust that - whilst it can do a variety of crazy things - you won't do anything mega powerful with Hybrid Theory, as having something like 6 infinite ammo gun dogs (whilst the conditions to do so would be pretty obscure) at once would make her a force to be reckoned with.
@★Under The Stars★ - Me and alaska are still looking over your sheet (in our timezones at present, we'll both be heading to bed after I post this) but expect a proper review to come tomorrow at some point!
>First and foremost, the name of the Moriae Card can't be what it currently is. The reason for this is stated on the main rules on the front page. Moriae Cards must be named after song titles, album titles, or musical artists' names from real life - though these must be fairly popular songs and not too modern - similar to how stands on JoJo's Bizarre Adventure are named. I'm fairly sure 'Radiating Repulsion' is a musical reference in any way.
>If Mina was caught using unauthorized usage of a Moriae Card, her bounty would be way higher, probably into the millions (though not ten millions, unless the card was deemed seriously powerful). We think the Moriae Card is balanced and we think we understand what it does, though the wording is somewhat confusing.
>Tell us if we're misunderstanding, but we think there's a bit of an inconsistency between her Personality/History. It says in her personality that she's very eccentric and doesn't abide to social norms, but at the same time, she grew up in a family where she was taught how to act 'proper' and do 'feminine duties', where I'm guessing you'd have to act to some level of normality/politeness. Did her character change from how she was in the history?
>If her family is in such good terms with MAGNA, why did she suddenly get a Moriae Card and choose to illegally use it? If this is one of the 'secret' parts of her adult life, we kinda feel like we should know about it (if you want to keep it a secret to most players, send why she did this to alaska via PM). We understand she felt a bit tossed to the side, but we still don't understand her intentions for being willing to commit such a high-tier crime.
>Finally... okay, this is a weird point to build on, but, uh... why did she 'Publicly Urinate'? As much as this might be a story for another time, I'm honestly curious, because as far as I can tell it seems strange of her character to do so.