Anchor (lxngdon and MaryGoldRound)

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Lucas was half awake when he felt her slip out of his arms. He rolled over onto his side and snuggled into the bed pillows trying to fall back into a deep and warm sleep, but that would be impossible without Claudia in bed with him. So, though, still partly asleep, he sat up and pulled back on his clothing. His eyes wandered to the digital clock sitting on the nightstand. It was nearly nine.

Well, he had slept in some for his usual wake up time.

He rubbed his eyes gently and made his way to the bathroom. He paused when hearing noises he couldn't quite identify through the bathroom door. Regardless, he grabbed the knob, twisted it and opened the door.

Seeing Claudia knelt in front of the toilet only left him confused. It did dawn on him immediately after feeling so. The fog in his head cleared soon after and he slowly closed the door, looking away as if he had seen something he shouldn't have. The gears began turning in his head as he moved away from the bathroom door and debated on if he should leave or not. Obviously not.
 
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Claudia didn't notice Lucas open the door and so she finished throwing up, leaned against the bowl of the toilet for a moment and stood up. She flushed, washed her hands in the sink and wiped her face with a cloth to get rid of the sweat and the clammy feeling it had developed.

She opened the bathroom door and jumped when she saw Lucas standing on the other side of it. "Holy shit, you scared the fuck out of me," she said breathlessly, putting a hand on her chest as she panted softly. She hadn't been expecting him to be standing right there, not at all.

Then she realised. She looked up at his face and realised. He had seen her.

There was no way Claudia could lie and say she was sick, because last night she had been as healthy as could be. And she couldn't lie to him at all. She loved him. She needed to be honest.

Claudia stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, hiding her face in his chest.

"I ... Brogen being in the hospital really stressed me out ... I'm ... I don't know what to say, Lou. I'm sorry."
 
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Lucas frowned slightly.

So, it was true then? He would have been more okay if she had said she had the flu or anything less severe than bulimia. It made himself feel nauseous even knowing she was suffering from and since when? Brogen's accident. That had been long ago.

And she hadn't told him.

It made sense noe. He couldn't believe he was just now figuring it out. It explained why she was feeling off and sudden closeness with Jenna. The dinner at Eden's house, the many meals before that. He could hr be so blind? How could she not tell him something so important? How long was she planning to keep it from him? Why was she sick? He felt sick.

He took her arms and slowly removed them from around him, taking a step back to look her in the face. "I can't even ... " He began but cut himself off, clenching his jaw.

How was he supposed to feel? In that moment his feelings were clashing against one another. He was angry. He was sad. He was confused. Most of all, he was hurt. It was impossible for him not to be hurting when she was.

His chest was aching so badly as well as his head.

"But, why? Why are you still ...?" He glanced at the bathroom door and back to her."Why didn't you tell me?"
 
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Lucas moving her away made Claudia stop and realise that she had hurt him. That she had royally fucked up and it just reinstated the guilt she had been feeling over the past few weeks. There was so much wrong with her and she was just hurting Lucas so much.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. "Lucas ... I'm so sorry."

Claudia sniffled and moved away, her hands shaking as she moved to sit at her desk chair and she stared at her feet, unable to make eye contact with the one she loved.

"I just ... I felt so sick all the time when Brogen was suffering and ... it just came back. I couldn't fight the urge anymore." Claudia's voice trembled and she wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"I didn't tell you because I'm going to the doctors' next week and I'm getting some pills," she said. "Medication. I was just ... going to take them and then I'd recover and I wouldn't have to worry you even more. I'm so sorry, Lucas. Can you forgive me?"
 
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Lucas rubbed his eyes eyes and inhaled shakily. Still, he felt sick, bit he didn't Claudia anywhere near on the verge of tears, yet alone actually coming to cry. The fact that she was already in pain only made it worse for him. He wanted to hug and tell her was okay. But it was not okay. Not in the slightest.

Forgiveness? He could forgive her. How could he not when she forgave him after he had deliberately lied to her? Forgiveness came easy when it was about the person he loved deeply. It did not, however, mean that it took away the fact she didn't tell him she was suffering so badly right in front of him for as long as she didn't. It didn't take away the hurt he was feeling.

"I can forgive you, Claudia. It's just ..." He groaned. Just the other night they were sitting and loving like nothing was wrong, that everything was splendid just to wake up to her puking. It was disturbing, he didn't like it.

"You could have told me. Maybe I could have helped or something. Just because your getting meds doesn't mean everything is fine because you have take them makes it that much worse."
 
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"Lucas, there's not much you could have done even if I had told you," Claudia murmured. She played with her fingers nervously, hating herself for having done this to the man that she loved. Why was she such a fuck up?

"It's not something anyone can really help. If it was I wouldn't be suffering from it and neither would Jenna. I hate this, Lucas, I hate what I've become."

Claudia's voice hitched but she continued.

"It's disgusting," she whispered. "I can't eat, and when I do, I binge until I make myself feel ill and then I have to throw it up to feel better. I don't know why I'm like this and I don't know why I can't stop."

She sniffled and wiped her tears off her cheeks.

"I'm ... I'm just hoping these pills will help."
 
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"Whether or not I could have done something, you still should have told me." Lucas frowned, looked away from and around the room in silence for a moment. He breathed in long breath of air, feeling suffocated in her room, in the situation.

"You need to stop keeping all these things to yourself with the excuse of not wanting to worry others." He was exasperated, almost forgetting to breath and on the brink of yelling. He huffed, running a hand through his hair, feeling the ache on his head. "You never tell your family and what? Now, your going to stop telling me too? You not telling us only makes it worse, don't you know that?"

He paced to the door and back to the bed and paused. As much as he wanted to hug her, he couldn't. He was so upset and maybe he shouldn't be, but he was. "Did not telling me make you feel any better?" Because it surely didn't for him, that much was clear.

"I hope your meds work then." He picked up his things and thought to grab the camera from the nightstand, but didn't. "I need to go home, check in with my mom."
 
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Lucas's words and behaviour just made Claudia feel even worse about herself than she had before, and she hated this. She hated that her problems were getting in the way of her relationship with Lucas. Why did she have to ruin everything she touched? Claudia was toxic.

She got to her feet to stand beside Lucas and hug her pale torso with a small sniffle. "No, I didn't feel better not telling you," she mumbled. "It made me feel lonely and afraid. You're acting like everything I do is a deliberate attempt to make you feel like a piece of shit, Lucas."

Claudia didn't mean to be cutting but it came out and she wasn't going to take it back because it was true. And it didn't help with her guilt problems, either.

"I love you so much, Lucas," Claudia croaked. "I didn't tell you for your sake, not mine. I got absolutely no gain out of keeping this from you. Okay? I love you so much and I can't lose you."​
 
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Ouch.

It stung, but it didn't make him let what was happening go. True or not. He wouldn't lie, every time she pulled one of these type of things it did feel like a blow to his chest, even if she didn't mean it to be. But it didn't matter because it did hurt. And whether she was doing it for him or not, she shouldn't have.

But that wasn't the problem at hand. And he wasn't going to let the issue that absolutely needed to be addressed slip away. Not now, though, he had tried to say it was untrue in his head earlier.

Lucas sighed softly, closing his eyes for a brief second. "Claudia, I know. I know you love me. But that's not enough, you need to love yourself. And it's obvious more than ever that you don't." He lowered his voice, changing his tone to soften his words.

She didn't love herself, and he could tell. How? Because he didn't like himself either, but that was before he met Claudia. Before he had a reason to think he wasn't so bad after all.

He didn't know when her self-hating started, but it was there. Even at this moment she was probably thinking poisonous thoughts about herself. And maybe this problem of hers was contributing to her illness.

"If you did, you would be taking care of yourself better than this. Claudia, I love you, I do. But if you don't love yourself it makes it harder for all the people who do love you, to love you."
 
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Claudia had hated herself for a while, and she had known for the entire time that it was debilitating to her to do that. And she couldn't help it. But she did and she knew it was a problem, a problem she needed to solve.

Claudia burst into tears and stumbled into Lucas's arms, wrapping her arms around his waist and sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. She didn't know what was wrong with her, and it was terrifying. She didn't know how to stop it, and that was even scarier. She didn't know anything. Claudia was just a stupid little girl and she didn't know anything.

"I - I - I know," she stuttered. "B - But everything I do just seems to fail, Lucas. I ruin everything. Everyone around me is so sad. I hurt you, I hurt Anderson, I hurt my own brothers. Why can't I do anything right?"

It was all coming out of her, the reasons why she hated herself and why she didn't treat herself with the respect others did.

"I just c - can't help but feel that I'm t - toxic," Claudia whispered. She was pained. She was hurt. "I love you, I can't l - lose you. I love you so much and I'm sorry for being such a f - failure."​
 
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Lucas had put his arms around her when she came in to hug him. A frown, however, only grew on on his face the more she talked. It made absolutely zero sense to him in the least. How could they both be looking at her and see a completely different person? He couldn't comprehend it, his brain wouldn't let him because those little thoughts about herself were straight up lies and she actually believed them.

He was frustrating that she couldn't see the truth, what he saw, what Anders saw and her brothers too.

He pulled away from her embrace, holding her shoulders and looking her in the face. He couldn't get rid of his frown, it was impossible when she was thinking such false thoughts about herself. "Stop talking about yourself like that. The only thing toxic is the way you think about yourself."

He felt too strongly on the subject."You have fails just as much as successes. That's just life and you shouldn't base your entire self on only one or the other.

A light sigh escaped his lips and he dropped his hand from her shoulders. He looked her in the face once more and kissed her cheek lightly. "Look, Claudia, none of us hate you for getting hurt and neither should you. We all get hurt and sometimes hurt others. It's inevitable at times. It's just another part of life."
 
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Claudia knew Lucas loved her. He reminded her every day. But to hear his words of affection and reassurance, to hear him tell her there was nothing wrong with her, was refreshing and liberating and gave her hope. It also gave her incentive to get better because she knew she would stop hurting Lucas if she stop hurting herself.

She let out one more teary sob and nodded, reaching up to rub her eyes. "Okay," she said hoarsely. "I'll try." Not just for herself but for Lucas, too, and everyone else. Anders, Jenna, Eden, Tate, Brogen, Quentin, her parents. Everyone who loved her and who she loved in return.

"I'll ... I'll talk to my mom," she murmured, sitting down on the edge of her bed and wiping the tears off her cheeks with her hands. "I'll see a counsellor, for the bulimia and the ... whatever this is." She gestured to her teary face.

"But ... you still love me, right?" She knew nothing would have changed since ten minutes ago but still, she needed to ask. She needed Lucas to live like she needed air to breathe.​
 
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Lucas knelt down in front of her, taking her hands. He snorted slightly because the mere thought of him not loving Claudia was ridiculous. The most ridiculous notion that had ever entered her mind. And the fact that she had to ask was even more sill, but ...

He ran his thumb over her the back of her thumbs tenderly. Carefully, he brought them to his lips and kissed her knuckles affectionately. His gaze moved to her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes and he said softly, but jst as firmly so she'd have no doubt. "Yes, I love you, Claudia."

He stood up, bent over and kissed her forehead. " I always will." His lips met her soft mouth and kissed her tenderly. He loved her and there was nothing to question about that.​
 
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A week or so had passed and Claudia was currently standing outside Eden's house. Ethan and Isabelle were going home and Claudia was delighted that she had somehow managed to get to know her favourite actor a little. Or, at least, he followed her on Instagram now, which was absolutely wonderful.

After kissing his Aunt Ingrid goodbye, Ethan hugged his baby brother. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Don't count on that."

Ethan went around, shook hands with Lucas and Anders and hugged Jenna. Claudia's eyes widened when he hugged her too.

"See you, Claudia."

"Bye," she let out timidly, a little starstruck.

Claudia watched as her favourite actor and his girlfriend went back into their car and drove away. Claudia turned back into Lucas's arms and kissed him on the cheek.​
 
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Lucas put his arm around her shoulders and sighed softly, barely audible, but there. The time that Eden's brother had arrived had been rather eventful as well as emotionally draining. Everything seemed to be falling back into the right places, though. Or he hoped it all would.

"Well, that was nice." Lucas commented. Nice that Ethan actually came. Nice that he helped his brother out when he needed him most. No, it was more than nice, but he couldn't think of a good enough word at the moment.

"Something like that." Anders shrugged a shoulder. "Nice camera." he gestured lazily to the grade A photography device hanging down a strap around his neck.

He smiled, "Claudia gave it to me."

"Well, don't let Eden near it."

"Oh, are we joking about this now?"

"I am."

Lucas and Anders chuckled and Jenna smiled. "Why don't we take a photo?"​
 
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"I'd apologise for breaking your other camera, but you totally deserved it," Eden said to Lucas with a clap to the boy's shoulder. He seemed a lot happier than he had been when Ethan and Isabelle had first come to Charmaine, and Claudia was glad that the brothers had managed to patch up their relationship.

"Hey, we're being nice," Claudia chastised as the group of friends organised themselves so they could take the photo.

"True. But he did deserve it."

Claudia rolled her eyes and smiled for the photo as Lucas took it. She was happy that herself and her friends were happy for once. There was no drama, there was no problems. Everyone was just happy for what felt like the first time in forever.

"Anders, when do you leave for the competition?" Claudia asked the tall Hickory twin as she wrapped her arms around Lucas's waist from behind and leaned her chin against his shoulder.​
 
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Lucas looked at the picture displaying on the screen of his camera. He would have to make some edits and touch up the photo at home before printing. Though it was a good picture and he wouldn't push anyone else into position again to take another one.

His eyes wandered away from the device and to Anders who made a clicking sound with his tongue. The brunette shoved his hands Intl his pocket and smiled.

"At the beginning of next week. Mom is still making preparations for the travel." His smile softened. "I don't know if we're going by bus or plane. I hope the former, I lime to stay grounded."

"I honestly don't see why I have to go. I could just stay home with dad. Why don't you guys come?"Jenna threw her midnight blue hair over her shoulder, rocking back and forth on her feet.

"Yeah, I don't know. I would like to, but the traveling expenses ..." Lucas tilted his head, cringing just thinking about it. It wasn't only the traveling but what it would cost to stay.
 
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"Don't be ridiculous," Claudia said to Lucas, kissing him on the shoulder. "I've already spoken to my mother and she's paying for our travel and hotel room and everything." Claudia had presented her argument to Daphne -- that the change of scenery would be good for her and possibly make her feel better -- and she had organised the funds at once.

"Ethan's paying for me to go, too," Eden said with a shrug. The Carstairs brothers seemed to be on much better terms now, when before Ethan wouldn't have paid for any of his brother's activities. "So I'm in. Jen, out of all of us you need to come the most, you're his twin."

"Yeah," Claudia teased, nudging her only female friend on the foot with her own. "Come on, support your brother."

Claudia just wanted to support her friend. She felt bad for Anderson because she had broken his heart, and as much as he would try to deny it, it was true. She thought it was cruel to continue to be his friend like this, and be with Lucas, but she loved her boyfriend and she loved Anders as a friend. She just hoped Anders could move on.

"Jen," Claudia said, pulling away from Lucas to take her friend's hand. "Come here, I want to ask you something."

Claudia pulled Jenna out of earshot of the boys and spoke quietly. "I'm going to a counselling appointment for the bulimia tomorrow," she murmured. "You should come, too."​
 
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" ... Oh." Lucas scratched his nose lightly. He did not exactly feel comfortable with Claudia's parents paying for his trip, hell, he wouldn't have felt comfortable if she was paying for it herself. Her mother didn't even like him and it was the first he heard of this. He didn't like it, bit, brushed it off for the time being. "I'll have to talk with my mom then."

He looked back down at his camera screen as Claudia pulled Jenna away from the rest of them.

Jenna sunk her teeth into her bottom lip with a slight shake of her head. She folded her arm over her chest and hugged them to her body. "I don't know, Claudia. I'll think about it." Yet, by the look on her face, the chances of her going was zero to none.

A small smile graced her face, despite that she didn't light up. "I'm happy to know you're getting the help you need, though. You talked with Lucas then?" She questioned, looking back to the said boy who was getting playfully threatened by Anders.

"If you and Claudia are coming, you better cut down on the affections in front of me or might accidentally push you off a balcony or something." Anders threw an arm over the blonde's shoulder.
 
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Claudia bit her lip. She just wanted herself and Jenna to get better. She wanted all of them to get better. But for Lucas, Eden and Anders that was harder, so she'd settle for herself and Jenna for the time being. There was only so much she could get their parents to do.

"Just ... give it some thought, okay?" Claudia softly pleaded with her friend, giving her a small smile before they returned to the boys.

"You will do no such thing," Claudia joked to Anders, wedging herself between Lucas and the taller boy and protectively wrapping her arms around her boyfriend's waist. "I'll fight you."

"Ooooooh shit, Anders, back the fuck up, this five-foot-five pipsqueak is gonna fuck you up!" Eden hollered with a snicker, petting Claudia on the top of the head as if she were a small child.

"I'll fight you, too, Eden, don't fuck with me."

Eden flipped her off and stuck his tongue out. "I wanna go to the park." He stepped inside to tell is aunt where they were going and grab a jacket before going back outside. "Come on. Let's go to the park."​
 
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