R
Ringmaster
Guest
Original poster
Two things. I appreciate you helping. I do not appreciate being cursed out for creating a character.
Now, the story is only edgy because that's the setting I was given for the roleplay he originated in and all the things listed happened due to the influence of demons in the world.
Sean's character stays consistent in the story and even grows slightly. Now think. There is a very small gap of time from when Sean first hits the rabid dog from when that dog reveals itself as Edispu.
So, he doesn't jump around. If he does give me two contrasting examples of Sean's personality in what I wrote. Because his reactions to everything are rather calm all throughout.
Oh hell naw. If we cursed out people for creating, where would we be?
Anyway, like I said there is a lot wrong with this, but that's not really your fault per se now that I know a bit. And it does have elements that could shine, if you buffed it up. Lemme demonstrate.
Backstory
'Hell is empty and all the devils are here'.
Not sure who said that, but its something that's stuck into my mind ever since I was small. Mine is a world where Hell is our state of being, not some grand punishment for after we die. Its a world of smoke and ashes, where humanity fights to survive against the Infernal threats of below. Even then, people are people- Deals are still made in backrooms and its folks like us sacrificed to give the fat cats some breathing space. This is my home, where I grew up. Playing baseball in the gutters and fleeing whenever the alarms sounded and the demons invaded. Gunfire was my lullaby and the taste of soot and brimstone pervaded my waking hours. Rapid dogs filled the streets, feasting on the corpses laid in their wake and after a while, you learned to let it all go. It became easier not to care, caring only made you dog food. I saw my parents break before me because of it.
I vowed to never let myself be the same.
At ten years old, I had my first job. I was a messenger, running em back and forth for the brass and whoever else wanted. I was light and quick on my feet, could hide more easily then most older folk. And if I died, well there were always more ten year olds. That was when I met my first demon. Looked like a dog, but the tail was shorn of flesh and shone with the glint of polished bone. There was a nefarious intelligence in those eyes too, so I didn't stop to ask questions. When it came for me, I just did what I always do.
And I clocked it upside the head.
Maybe it was a bad idea, because next thing I knew it was chasing me everywhere. It became as close to me as my shadow, nothing I could do to stop it following. My fifteenth birthday came around and as I was celebrating alone, it appeared before me. Called itself 'Edispu' and wanted to make a deal. He said he admired my moxie and my lack of fear, could use people like me. He offered power and the freedom of never being taken in again by anyone, if I would bow down and worship him. I had nothing to lose.
So I took his hand.
Fire filled my veins and was expelled with every swing of my bat. Edispu himself, lurking forever in a corner of my mind, whispering to me to do things. Sometimes I black out and feel tired, other times I do so and I'm covered in blood. I don't know whats going on, but I do know this.
I shook hands with a demon.
And they'll be Hell to pay.
------
You see what I mean? Most of the time, extraneous information isn't needed. I just chopped off a majority of what you added and moreover, gave something every character needs to become interesting.
Motivation. He lives in a grimdark city- So what? How does this affect his growth, what sort of family life did he lead? What kind of jobs could he have taken to integrate his interests? That kind of thing. Motivation turns a bundle of traits into a living, breathing and above all- Interesting character that makes us as players, wish to interact with them. Its like making a sandwich- You don't pile the contents of the entire fridge between the bread slices, you just add what you need and want and enjoy it thus.
When we read traits that begin with 'lazy, easily annoyed or bored' we cease to care. Because if the character doesn't give a shit, why should we read it? Why should we emphasize with his backstory or think to follow his or her deeds? Hope this helps.
@ShiroKiyoshi
Anyway, like I said there is a lot wrong with this, but that's not really your fault per se now that I know a bit. And it does have elements that could shine, if you buffed it up. Lemme demonstrate.
Backstory
'Hell is empty and all the devils are here'.
Not sure who said that, but its something that's stuck into my mind ever since I was small. Mine is a world where Hell is our state of being, not some grand punishment for after we die. Its a world of smoke and ashes, where humanity fights to survive against the Infernal threats of below. Even then, people are people- Deals are still made in backrooms and its folks like us sacrificed to give the fat cats some breathing space. This is my home, where I grew up. Playing baseball in the gutters and fleeing whenever the alarms sounded and the demons invaded. Gunfire was my lullaby and the taste of soot and brimstone pervaded my waking hours. Rapid dogs filled the streets, feasting on the corpses laid in their wake and after a while, you learned to let it all go. It became easier not to care, caring only made you dog food. I saw my parents break before me because of it.
I vowed to never let myself be the same.
At ten years old, I had my first job. I was a messenger, running em back and forth for the brass and whoever else wanted. I was light and quick on my feet, could hide more easily then most older folk. And if I died, well there were always more ten year olds. That was when I met my first demon. Looked like a dog, but the tail was shorn of flesh and shone with the glint of polished bone. There was a nefarious intelligence in those eyes too, so I didn't stop to ask questions. When it came for me, I just did what I always do.
And I clocked it upside the head.
Maybe it was a bad idea, because next thing I knew it was chasing me everywhere. It became as close to me as my shadow, nothing I could do to stop it following. My fifteenth birthday came around and as I was celebrating alone, it appeared before me. Called itself 'Edispu' and wanted to make a deal. He said he admired my moxie and my lack of fear, could use people like me. He offered power and the freedom of never being taken in again by anyone, if I would bow down and worship him. I had nothing to lose.
So I took his hand.
Fire filled my veins and was expelled with every swing of my bat. Edispu himself, lurking forever in a corner of my mind, whispering to me to do things. Sometimes I black out and feel tired, other times I do so and I'm covered in blood. I don't know whats going on, but I do know this.
I shook hands with a demon.
And they'll be Hell to pay.
------
You see what I mean? Most of the time, extraneous information isn't needed. I just chopped off a majority of what you added and moreover, gave something every character needs to become interesting.
Motivation. He lives in a grimdark city- So what? How does this affect his growth, what sort of family life did he lead? What kind of jobs could he have taken to integrate his interests? That kind of thing. Motivation turns a bundle of traits into a living, breathing and above all- Interesting character that makes us as players, wish to interact with them. Its like making a sandwich- You don't pile the contents of the entire fridge between the bread slices, you just add what you need and want and enjoy it thus.
When we read traits that begin with 'lazy, easily annoyed or bored' we cease to care. Because if the character doesn't give a shit, why should we read it? Why should we emphasize with his backstory or think to follow his or her deeds? Hope this helps.
@ShiroKiyoshi