late night thoughts (february 08)
- if I stay up until 7 AM, having reached the point of utter exhaustion, I can finally fall asleep without thinking about my impending demise and the fact that one day I will no longer have a consciousness. maybe. but then I'll be exhausted for the rest of the day. I'm always tired. This doesn't work, this is not a solution. but it's the only thing I can think of so it's just the state of being right now
- what is the difference to my brain between a nap and settling in for the night? why don't I have these panic attacks when just napping? what's the difference there? because even when I leave my lamp on, like I do for naps, when I replicate everything, I still get the panic attacks when I know it's time to actually 'go to sleep'. what's the significance here.
- I'm, like, two panic attacks away from a fully fledged mental breakdown. let's hope it's not a 'try to kill myself even though I could have sworn I was not remotely suicidal' breakdown like last time.
- thinking about my performance review at the end of the month makes me want to vomit
- I wonder how many of the 'mental health awareness' and other motivational images my mom posts on facebook are about/for me
- I'm going to be a virgin forever
this never used to bother me but it bothers me now. because it's not just because I don't put myself out there. that's a big thing. but it's because I hate my body so fucking much and don't have the Correct Genitalia so lol. whatever. sure.
- I wish I was actually really good at something. not just kind of good at a lot of things. this is all my fault though. if I had just kept drawing, kept drawing, I'd be so good by now. I might even be able to make a living off of my art. technically it's not too late, but, you know, I have convinced myself it's too late for anything nice. (just keep drawing) (set up your fucking tablet, tomorrow)
- why do I still visit documenting reality when I know it ruins me
- I have no one to talk to so I make depressing posts like this in hope someone, somewhere, will read them
it is a vague sense of connectivity that I appreciate