RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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This thread is for RANTING to get annoying, pissing, crappy, damnable things off your chest. Please follow the rules of this forum. If you need advice or want to talk about your problem, post a new topic in the Counseling Forum.

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All other rules of Iwaku also apply!
Please... I am tired, and nauseous, I know I need more sleep, let me nap.

I've been trying to be up during the whole day all yesterday and the day before and the day before that... I can't sleep unless my boyfriend is nearby, and I realize how retarded that is, but when he goes to sleep at 5 in the morning, and wakes up at ten? and then know I have to stay up the rest of the day?

It is not going well.


It's giving me a headache with all the loud thumps.

Please... please... I just need a few winks of sleep to get back to a normal amount...

Go outside and play for once.... I'm sick of complaining to management that you're constantly running around and almost never come outside unless your parents are with you- I am trying to be understanding. In fact, I kinda worry your parents are keeping you squirreled away in that apartment, that's the only way I stop getting so angry when time and time and time again, I go to management and complain and nothing changes.

Oh, when I said something didn't feel right? That you kids almost never come out of there save for going to and from school? That you never interact with the other kids in the apartment complex? They shrugged it off.

Oh, when I can't NOT hear someone, that's when I get nosey, you better believe it.

I try and come up with reasons not to loose it and go up there and yell and cry out of frustration, he last time I got pissed, it was sfter ten, start of apartment's quiet time, and I was really sick, I needed sleep and fuck your noise. I grabbed our broom and struck the ceiling with it so hard that the handle broke.

It broke. I broke a broom, trying to get your attention to stop making so much noise.

I'm so done today.
I can't stand how soft spoken I am. I have all these ideas and plans for my future, yet I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm afraid of being let down. I found out recently I can graduate community college if I pass College Math in the summer. This means that I could get to a university as early as wintertime if I play my cards right. So, naturally, I want to plan for this. I have shitloads of paperwork for this since I've gone to 3 schools, we need licenses, we need a car, I need to pay fees and fill out applications, and there are budgets and deadlines to think about... In addition to setting a brighter future for my family, we have good reason to leave this shitty town behind. We basically could have a new, improved life.

Yet, I can't talk about it. I don't have the confidence to say "This is what I want to do, this is how long we have to do it, please take me seriously and work hard with me." to those I need support from. I need to strengthen my freakin backbone. :/ I feel like a sensitive little wuss.

Also, I just might be a tad cranky and sad because this birth control made me have two periods in one month. *grumbles*
I'm absolutely sure of it now.

I'm going insane.

I hear voices in my head, other people talk through my mouth from inside me, I blurt things that surprise even me, I make random noises and movements, I imaging horrid things, and I think I enjoy those horrid thoughts. I'm constantly wearing a mask to hide my pain and anguish from everyone, even myself, for fear that the voices will berate me for being such a little bitch and crying, or that people around me will take pity on me.
"You're supposed to be a man," they say. "Men don't cry like little babies."
Some are nice, though. They try to cheer me up. But they're also the same ones that make me doubt my sanity. I try to convince myself I'm fine, I'm just one of those creative, weird people like all my friends. Put the mask on so tight I start to think it's my face.
But then something happens, and the knot loosens, the mask slips, the illusion falters. Self-preservation kicks in and I try to put it back on, to re-convince myself I'm fine.
But there's always a little bit of doubt that stays.

And that little bit of doubt is all that is needed to break me.

I know I'm going insane, but I don't want to. I grasp onto my last bit of sanity like a lost child clings to his teddy for fear of losing it just as he has lost his way.
I don't want to go insane. I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to wear this goddamned mask anymore, giving off subtle hints that it's not my face via jokes, hoping that someone will pick up on the masquerade and pull it off and help me.
And yet I keep going, afraid that people will pity me. I don't want pity. I hate being pitied. I despise it when people pity me, it makes me feel like they think I'm helpless, like a small child.
I'm not a child. At least, I don't want to be, but I don't want to be an adult, either.

All I want is control over myself again. I just want to be alone in my head, and not feel all this pain and anguish that makes me so emotional and emotionally uncontrollable. I want to not have to wear this mask. I want to be me and just me.

When did I turn down this path? When did it start? Why?
Oh my gawd I think I'm going to die.

My throat...I feel like I swallowed acid.


Oh and now my lungs feel as if they soaked in acid. I checked and I have pus at the back of my throat.

Great. This feels just blissful.
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Since my employer has offered a pay raise to our writers on the website there's been explosion of petitions but our editors aren't making a dent in publishing.... -_____-" Really starting to make me concerned about whether or not I'll make even the base amount of money I need this month. Fuck.
I can't do anything right. I really can't. I try to be fun and relaxed, but when that happens I end up hitting someone in the face by accident or saying something so awkward that it makes the listener(s) go silent. And people wonder why I never want to leave my apartment or make any friends. I'll just let them down or offend them or something. What's the point? The only friends I want are mothers with children who can befriend my son. I'll just be pretending to like the mother so that she'll be interested in more play dates. Just fake it...like I always do. It's not too late for him to have a normal social life at least. *sigh*

And this place...this town... It makes me feel so depressed. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, that I'm trapped here until I somehow come up with thousands of dollars that will allow us to move. I don't want my boy growing up in this nothing town, either. Not when I know of better communities out there that can assure him a happier, healthier life.

I should just stick to what I'm good at: cleaning, being a mom, being quiet, and being obedient. Just work, do what I'm told, work some more, cook... While I'm at it, I keep going into the bathroom to try to throw up because I feel fat and ugly. My boyfriend tells me how beautiful I am, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. My opinion of myself is low enough that others' opinions don't get registered. I feel bad about it. I feel really bad about everything lately. I don't even have an appetite. Not even the heavy amounts of pot I smoke can give me the munchies I need to eat. Puking used to make me feel better but now I feel nothing at all. I feel like I could keep retching until I collapse. My emotional burden is just that bad...

I don't know how to fix this. I feel so pathetic and whiny. If I could make a copy of myself, I'd hit myself in the eye and tell me to me to buck up. Because if anyone else did such a thing, I probably would just apologize and cry. .__. All because of my parents. Growing up, they insisted my "problems" were cries for attention. They were, I'll admit, but they are also coping mechanisms. Being abused for 16 years doesn't come without consequences. Now that I'm in my adult age, it's only gotten worse, because I can't afford help.

Shit's fucked up, yo.
All I wanted was a nice vacation from everything that I've been dealing with. Play some board games, drink a bit, pull out the grill and make food.

We did all of this, but without my intention of relaxing. No, this time, I was playing caretaker again, and feeling like shit. Yes, I could have handled that whole situation better but come on! Can't i get a fucking break for once?

I was having a good week. You've ruined it...again.

Why do I even leave? It's not like I have a job anymore. School is being a twit, and I am playing mediator too much for people outside of the net.

Fuck my life anyways.
I can't stop freaking out and having miniature anxiety attacks. I just want to be okay... I guess we'll know something tomorrow.

And my Mother... gods, I do love my Mom but I really can't handle her and her issues right now on top of everything else. I am a powder keg getting ready to go off.

Between my health problems, Mom, and social issues . . . I haven't felt like a real person in weeks. I range between so sad and so angry with no real inbetween.

I know it isn't all brain weasels though. There's a lot of things I'm getting tired of.

We'll see.
I'm at my wit's end with the apartment maintenance. I'm trying to be nice, but all of this started on the 11th.

THE 11th.

I NEED them to come here while I still have a flexible schedule. I need them to fix everything while I'm here, and not just because I am illegally harboring my gecko (Paying 200 dollars for a ten inch reptile to stay, is beyond ridiculous), it's because my roommate's dog is ENTITLED to walk around free in our apartment and like HELL I am cooping her up for eight hours because I don't know if they're coming or leaving.

I have tried going to them to get an ETA, and I understand, believe me, I know how hard it is to keep to schedule for stuff like this. I know that, but... I have TOLD them, WARNED them that I'm the only one who's home most of the time right now. But I won't be forever, I JUST GOT HIRED- if they tell me I have to work on my goddamned birthday- whoo-hoo, I'll just have to let the party start without me, and besides, that's not too bad. If they tell me to work seven days in a goddamned row, WHOO-HOO, I HAVE MONEY BESIDES THE 25 IN MY CHECKING ACCOUNT AND I WON't HAVE TO TAP INTO MY SAVINGS.

I am trying. I don't know what to do.

The only good thing that is keeping me calm, is the fact that I got my day collar. It gives me strength and peace and it's a reminder that I dont have to bottle this shit up, I can go to my boyfriend.

But still...

I am so... flustered about this. I am trying to be professional at every turn, and it's driving me nutty. If it wasn't for my best friend being a little and encouraging me to let loose and join her in not being an adult, I'd be fucking bonkers.

Also- Who gave some tumblr-fuck the right to say that my friend isn't a little because of some fucking criteria. BDSM GETS JUDGEMENT ENOUGH, STOP TEARING INTO EACHOTHER.

I had to reassure her that she was ok, I talked with her and others who felt attacked by his post. I don't like seeing that kinda internet drama, I hate it. Gah.

Least she's in her little space now, watching MLP and eating mac n cheese. She's ok. She's ok.
x__x I thought a walk outside would be really nice, but it's only agonized me. The weather is too hot for me. To most people it's the perfect temperature, but to me it's not cold enough. I threw up so much from getting overheated, and still I can't cool off. It sucks so many balls that I can't enjoy a stroll without bringing a water bottle with me to keep spritzing my skin so I don't catch on fire. :| My lungs are mad, too. I overexerted them, and I have no inhaler, so I get to struggle to breathe until Peter gets home from work to cure me with acupressure. I can't seem to get it right doing it myself.

Also, I want a motherfucking nap, or at least an hour to myself where there isn't a crabby child screaming in my face. But nah, that's too much to ask. It's totally okay to keep being a brat until mom kills us all.

Eek, I feel a migraine coming on too... Juuuuust great.
Ok, ok, what the actual FUCK DID I JUST WATCH.

End of season one of Black Butler.

Fucking everyone is dead, London is destroyed, and the demon butler Sebastian takes Ciel's soul right? That was episode 24.


Fuck is that shit? THIS UPSETS ME GREATLY.

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Bleh, I hate that feeling you get when you realize nobody can help you. I'm in tears, trying to just do something right for a change. Since apparently, me being really tired, hungry, and stressed isn't enough for people to take it easy on me. I'm kidding myself, though. .__. Nobody's going to answer my text messages when it's almost half past midnight.

There's always tomorrow, I guess.
Leaving. NOW. Just fucking done. So tired of this shit.
Right. They just happen to find a fault in the heaters and do a total recall RIGHT BEFORE the march cold snap. That was perfect fucking timing mother nature. My room feels a good 5 degrees colder than the rest of the house right now.
Trying to get work done so that I can move onto a future that's so many years away, and people expect me to be able to realize that right now means so much. That deciding not to do something now will royally screw me over for years to come. I just want to enjoy the short time I still have to enjoy life, but everybody has something more to make me do.

At the same time, people keep telling me that something is a big deal, but that it doesn't matter at the same time. You're not helping me in the slightest, so it'd be better to just SHUT UP. Tell me something that isn't contradicting itself, instead of confusing and upsetting me because you can't decide what the hell you want go say. Sometimes, you make me want to scream, to kick, to break, throw, smash, and it's all I can do to not fall apart in front of everybody, which adds to my burden. I wish somebody would realize what you're doing to me, and stop pushing more into me.
I had to go out and run errands yesterday. I was out for roughly ten hours and now I'm paying for it. I'm bruised in odd places (my elbows for example), I'm sore, I'm almost out of my fucking pain killers and for some reason I just want to break down and cry.
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