RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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back to living in hotels
credit card scammer almost drained my mom's bank account
i feel like shit but I'm glad i have forums to be around.
 
Trying extremely hard not to pull at my hair and punch a wall. But Man sometimes it's very, very, hard to keep away from giving in. *Seethes*
 
my life is being completely ruined by my anxiety. I am in a constant state of slow burning anxiety. I constantly feel like I'm going to die at any second. Just a constant feeling of impending doom. I hate this so much, I think I have gotten used to my small Ativan dose because it doesn't really work anymore, and none of my non-medicinal coping mechanisms work for this kind of anxiety. I can't sleep, I'm just miserable.

/_\
 
Cramps. Fuck.

It's not like I'm in enough pain today as it is, lets throw more into the mix. And none of the painkillers we have in the house are the ones that work for me, stupid high drug tolerance and all that.

Screw you too uterus.
 
Six more weeks of winter. Go freaking figure.....
 
So much shit going on.

I wake up at eleven knowing I'm going to be doing math homework peacefully. Okay, that's fine. All of a sudden, my brother decides to badger me consistently about putting his clothing in with mine. I tell him no, it's just my clothing, then he continues to be aggressive about it. So, my dad steps in and takes his side and doesn't make my brother aware that he's being vocally aggressive towards me.

He just takes my brother's side woopity do. Then there's a huge misunderstanding about roleplaying stuff that happened between GMs and I'm pulled in and I feel uncomfortable and it's my second day on that roleplay site? What the hell? Now, I have apple completely misunderstanding my question when I'm pretty sure I put the word laptop and gave them a fucking screenshot of my laptop error and they give me directions on how to fix iTunes connection on my phone? What the hell to that too!

It was my brother who did the most damage, and my dad too. I feel like he doesn't care. I know these are minor things, but it gets on my nerves. I've said it a million times before and I'll say it again: I can't wait to get a car and I can't wait to get out of this house. I don't even feel like doing my math homework now. My mind is in such an unclear space right now.
 
I can't sleep...my sleep schedule is fucked. I just feel so exhausted from doing anything anymore, the days get longer and longer it seems and I feel like I am just slipping from this world I call home.
 
No, fuck you three ways to Sunday. I mentioned an HOUR before that my feet were freezing and that I was hungry. I have been waiting, snd waiting, and waiting for you to pick me up.

I fucking PAY YOU TO PICK ME UP AFTER WORK. And why are you not here?


Because you are on the god damned computer printing off shite.

I wouldn't leave an animal in this weather. If someone told me that they were too cold to wait around like this, I wouldn't be so selfish. I am far from a selfless guy, but at least I have the belief that honesty is important.

I am taking ten from your payment for this. Go Fuck Yourself.
 
I'm getting very worried about my body, I can't do any endurance stuff except light weight stuff like walking o.o I was riding my bike the other day and I couldn't even get up a slight angle up (VERY small hill XP)

I have the strength, I feel it. And I can do burst stuff really well.

It's starting to worry me now because I have a new boss coming in who's ALL about being physically fit. I've been lucky with bad weather so physical test have been canceled, but this new guy seems like he doesn't care how bad the weather is. If I fail, I'm 100% seeing a doctor. Hopefully it can be fixed with diet stuff, though I have a feeling its will power/depression related, and that ain't gonna be fixed for probably a year from now -.-

But if I pass, or come close to it even in my current pathetic state, then i'll be unstopable once I fix this issue o.o
 
"if i starve myself maybe my body will be right"
"breasts are just fat, so just lose weight. lose all of your weight"
"you don't need to eat anyway"
"or we can just use a kitchen knife, that's okay too"

why will these thoughts not stop plaguing me
they have not stopped since I was 14

please stop
 
I don't know if it's the shitty sleep bugging me or not but I fucking hate my job right now.
 
late night thoughts (february 08)

- if I stay up until 7 AM, having reached the point of utter exhaustion, I can finally fall asleep without thinking about my impending demise and the fact that one day I will no longer have a consciousness. maybe. but then I'll be exhausted for the rest of the day. I'm always tired. This doesn't work, this is not a solution. but it's the only thing I can think of so it's just the state of being right now

- what is the difference to my brain between a nap and settling in for the night? why don't I have these panic attacks when just napping? what's the difference there? because even when I leave my lamp on, like I do for naps, when I replicate everything, I still get the panic attacks when I know it's time to actually 'go to sleep'. what's the significance here.

- I'm, like, two panic attacks away from a fully fledged mental breakdown. let's hope it's not a 'try to kill myself even though I could have sworn I was not remotely suicidal' breakdown like last time.

- thinking about my performance review at the end of the month makes me want to vomit

- I wonder how many of the 'mental health awareness' and other motivational images my mom posts on facebook are about/for me

- I'm going to be a virgin forever
this never used to bother me but it bothers me now. because it's not just because I don't put myself out there. that's a big thing. but it's because I hate my body so fucking much and don't have the Correct Genitalia so lol. whatever. sure.

- I wish I was actually really good at something. not just kind of good at a lot of things. this is all my fault though. if I had just kept drawing, kept drawing, I'd be so good by now. I might even be able to make a living off of my art. technically it's not too late, but, you know, I have convinced myself it's too late for anything nice. (just keep drawing) (set up your fucking tablet, tomorrow)

- why do I still visit documenting reality when I know it ruins me

- I have no one to talk to so I make depressing posts like this in hope someone, somewhere, will read them
it is a vague sense of connectivity that I appreciate
 
So my bed frame is going to be delivered tomorrow (today) (the 9th). Eight days before it's supposed to be This wouldn't be such an issue if I was Abled Bodied but I'm not and unfortunately I'm largely reliant on my roommates to bring it in and set it up for me. I ordered it on the day I did because the day it was supposed to arrive (17th) was a day both of them were going to be home, which is why it being early is so anxiety-making. D says she's pretty sure her plans tomorrow are ones taking place at home, and even if they aren't, she'll make it happen.

And I know it's not something I should be anxious about; I have no control over this so it's not like they should get mad at me for it (I know they won't regardless but...)

And I still feel bad about it. I hate, hate being an inconvenience to people - which is why I put off ordering it for so long in the first fucking place - and I feel like a massive one right now.

Urgh T-T
 
I lost my job because I can't walk. I can't lift anything heavy. I've got two second degree tears, one first degree and one borderline third.


Fuck my god damned life, part of me wonders if it'd just been easier if the horse stepped on my skull. (NOT a suicide threat)
 
Again, just when I think maybe I have a grip on things I come to find I don't. I am so fucking ridiculous... I think I'm just too damned frayed at the edges to succeed in this thing.

I could blame a myriad of things for this... I won't, though. It's my own damned fault I am like this...
 
I'm so anxious, fuck!

I need to sleep, but I don't think I can
 
I'm feeling really tired lately. I don't know. It's probably all the stress. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I have only a few short months to find elsewhere to live, I'm scared I might become homeless. I can't seem to get a job that pays well enough to support myself, I'm stressed out about buying a car, I'm so stressed out. Probably why I'm so tired. I haven't felt very liked lately either, One old friend of mine has decided he no longer intends to stick around and help me through stuff, instead opting to treat me like crap, and the shock from losing one of my closest friends is really messing with my head. I can't wait for this stress to let up a little bit so I can better focus on my life.. for now, I am very, very tired.
 
I give up. I have tried to be upbeat and positive through all of this. I have tried to look on the bright side.


I can't anymore. I am losing my job. I am losing everything. I have lost everything. I wish I could go back and redo every single thing.


I hate my life now more than ever.
 
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