RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I need a living wage, I want my brother to stop being a dick, I need to visit my family, I need more possible job opportunities... And I'm sick of having breakdowns. I need to be ok, I need to be able to function. I have people counting on me. I can't afford to flounder. I need to be ok. I have only 70 bucks in the balance right now, I won't get a sizeable amount of cash until next month, unsure of what to do. <.< I seriously need to do some catching up with old friends who know me and who I know can calm me down.
 
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OOOOooOOOOOooOOooooOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWCCCHHHHHHHHH

My pinky nail just bent clear in half and rippped half off my fucking fiunger kshfakjfghlLAKSDBFAKDFBA ~FIJO RAGE FLAIL DANCE~
 
I hate being asked for my help or expertise, and not listened to.

I'm telling you LEGITIMATE, GOOD ADVICE, on how to handle what's coming next. I'm telling you exactly what you need to do! I'm not full of shit or pulling this out of my ass! I get that you're a gigantic worrier, but for fucks sake, stop worrying and just deal with what you can, not with what you can't! Stop scooping everything on your plate! Just take a goddamn bite, one at a time, until you eat it all. No need to bum-rush the goddamn buffet in one go.
 
So allergies are preventing me from seeing the screen... That's always fun. -____-"
 
Dust is my nemesis yet I'm placed on dusting duty for company that doesn't arrive til Monday. I swear my parents love being praised for something that no one really notices. I don't care what people think of our house! It's more than what a lot of people have and yet they wonder why my aunt hates us. So I'm forced to clean the unnoticeable details since everyone can tell if there was a speck of dust on a light bulb -.-
 
ugh can my doctor just figure out what's wrong with me already? I've already got hormone and immune problems, why are my swollen tonsils so hard to figure out?
 
Waiting sucks sooo much! I wish 3:30 would hurry up so I can go get my puppy. I really hate the people who dropped him off at my house. He's an absolute sweetheart, they had no reason tossing him out like he was a piece of trash. Every time he starts whining when I leave, it breaks my heart. The people who just threw him out, and near a main street, were absolutely heartless.
 
Why do I bother anymore. I give them advice and they allow it to go out the other ear. Especially when the advice is how to handle me while I'm on meds. I tell them I become highly irritable for a few hours. Yet the moment I lash out at them, the moment where my sarcasm is more like a cruel insult they get mad. Really?! did I not just tell you how to deal with me, did I not just say be fucking careful around me?!

I'm not going to bother with this bullshit anymore, I'll just lash out like usual knowing it will never click in their heads
 
Not one to rant about myself, but my god do I feel like the biggest loser alive. Did you know that my own father told me he was disappointed in me? He probably doesn't remember saying it, but I do.

All I ever see is disappointment in the eyes of those around me. I've never been able to live up to anyone's expectations, least of all my own. Perhaps that's where my esteem issues stem from. I wish I could finally step up and be the man I want to be, but I just can't seem to do it. Maybe I need time and reflection to fix this, but I've reflected for so long. Maybe it's just me that's so fucked? Maybe I need to change everything about myself, to even begin to get anywhere in life.

Not something I like to think or talk about.
 
Multiple choice tests are stupid. I can't seem to pass those no matter what subject it's for. (Actually, not true. I can do multiple choice for math classes pretty well, assuming I understand the equations I'm working out.) You can bet I'll give worthy, thoughtful responses for the essay questions but this "choose one of these four answers for these 80 questions" bullshit? Hah! HAH! I could read these chapters three times and still not remember anything. Doesn't help that you don't allow us the use of notes...

If I fail this class, I'm going to be pissed off. I've worked my ass off. Clearly I need to work harder to pass the next multiple choice exam. =___=
 
Who the fuck do you think you are, telling me I have to believe in your God to get anywhere? No, fuck that noise. I came to you, opened myself up about my problems and you just blow it off with some pseudo-intellect bullshit. Then add the God cherry on top. Yeah. Now I know why I've been left to ny own devices all these years.
 
I helped you get out of bad situation after bad situation, and waded through shit to do it. I stuck my neck out for you time after time, even gave up work to bail your ass out of a situation you put yourself in. I didn't have to help you, but I did because that's what friends do. You were a sister to me, and now you are just a person. You came at me saying that nobody helps you and that everyone hates you. Well if you end up alone it's your own damn fault, not mine. I have to work during your wedding so that I can pay for my medical bills, rent, school and everything life is throwing at me right now.

So yeah I'm giving you the finger. Have a good life far, far away from me.
 
I wish that I was had more social competence.

I wish that I could take absolutely nothing personally.

I rage to prove them all wrong.

I wish that I burned like a star, distant yet blinding.

I fear disapproval.

I give too much thought to the things I cannot control.

I want real friends.

I wish that I didn't let other people hurt me.

I wish my comfort zone was bigger.

I am sad inside.

I try too hard.

I expect too much.

I wish I could hug my grandmother.

I wish I was smarter.

I want my brain to shut up and let me sleep.

I wish I didn't care so much, if at all.

I wish I could draw crayons with my sister again.

I wish the sun would explode.

I wish I was in more control off my emotions.

I wish people treated me how I treat them.

I am too busy wearing other peoples shoes to break in my own.

I am a slow learner.

I am socially awkward.

I am afraid of some people I will never see face to face.

I do not love myself enough.

I don't ever brush my hair.

I have a tender, bleeding heart.

I feel alone in my head.

I wonder if I am ever going to be good enough.

I doubt myself.



I wrote this list of things to my grandmother on Skype and she responded with this:

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

Though I felt much better, It only made me want her hug more.
 
I have no more motivation... I'm scared of interviews, all over again. I fucked up, badly. I get that. But I need to keep trying... but I just... can't.
 
My editorial tendencies make it impossible to read fanfic. Learn to use a damn comma!
 
Waiting.

I can't stand waiting anymore.

I'm waiting on the call to determine where my life is going to end up. I'm waiting for people to finally realize that I am not okay because when I tell them they don't listen. I'm waiting for him to message me becaues he's the only person that helps me feel okay. I'm waiting for my brain to finally implode because I just can't take it anymore. I'm waiting for my own courage to come through and let my family know what's actually happened to me. I'm waiting for my so called boyfriend to realize that his family doesn't and hasn't ever wanted me in his life and to realize that I can't handle pretending to be happy in this relationship anymore. I'm waiting for me to finally be okay with letting other people know my problems without having an anxiety attack or them passing it off as nothing.

I'm waiting for my life to finally be fixed.

What do I get? More waiting. More uncontrollable anxiety. More meltdowns.
 
[spoili]
I feel trapped inside of my own head.

Voices seemingly yell at me at every turn.

I'm constantly bombarded by flashbacks of my own failures.

I wish to be good enough.

I wish to be more.

I wish to stop making mistakes.

I wish I would stop loathing myself.

I want to get over my past.

I want those who care about me to stop leaving me alone to deal with things then expect me to turn around and act like nothing ever happened to me.

I have no motivation.

No energy left for this any more.

I have no appetite.

Leave me alone.

Why am I always left alone?

Stop that.

I hate being touch because of you.

I need a hug but my skin crawls at the mere thought.

I need control. Why am I so powerless?

I don't want to open my eyes at night.

I'm afraid of the dark.

I'm always left in the dark.

I can't sleep. My mind won't let me.

I feel inexplicable anger for no apparent reason. Then I turn around and hate myself for it.

I always feel alone when I'm in a room full of people.

I physically can't talk. I'm not mute, but I probably should be. No one can understand me either way. No, I won't repeat myself after the third time.

I can't hold a proper conversation no matter what. I never seem to have a proper response.

I'm too awkward. Too anti-social. Too fearful. Too silent.

I don't go outside unless I have to otherwise I feel like a bug under a microscope. That, and I feel like I make a fool out of myself just by walking.

I'm sorry if my sense of humor doesn't match up with yours.

I want to draw but I'm not suppose to be drawing. Too much strain on my wrists. Not enough patients. But I want to. I want to bring to life characters that aren't me. That are stronger than me in every way. I want to live their life, not mine.

I want to color. I love colors.

I want to write. Too much energy.

I have ADD. I have no money to treat it.

I can't focus.

I want to do everything and nothing.

I'm frustrated. I'm insecure.

I doubt every move. I have no self confidence. I have no self worth.

No one understands nor can I make them.

I'm nothing more than a disappointment and you make sure to remind me.
[/spoili]

Is it really all in my head? Am I really just making excuses? Am I just a lazy attention seeker? Do you really understand what I go through on a daily biases? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I being selfish in not considering what you and everyone else goes through on a daily biases? Am I taking life for granted?
 
Bah.

Just.

Bah.

I give up.
 
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So fucking angry, ready to flip tables.
 
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