RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I can count the number of times that I've heard you cry on one hand. I don't know how to handle it.
 
I am worried about the amount of pain I'm going to be in this upcoming week. The thought of it turns my stomach. The idea of that much pain without Kehv here is just... Ugh. I wish the stupid security guys weren't so stupid! If they had been doing their jobs Kehv wouldn't have to go to Utah to help set up new things for the customers!

I'm a whiny baby and it annoys me and makes me feel angsty. Couple that with family issues and I'm just a ton of fun.

I'm a badass Butler dammit. I'm better than this.
 
I'm overworking myself because I'm sick of being a bum. My body can't handle it, but I'm doing it anyway. Nobody knows how badly I want to cut again. Nobody seems to understand how badly I feel despite me explaining it. So I quit. I won't explain it anymore. I'll just hide it. I'm just so sick of it. I was doing so flipping well...I'm a failure. Then I stupidly compared someone losing their 19 year old niece to my miscarriage....I forget people don't give a shit about miscarriages. It only matters to me. Nobody else in the whole fucking world cares about Taylor but me...
 
Sometimes I just want to hide, just to escape the constant ridicule.
 
I am way too mad to be on the internet right now
 
Well today is starting off horribly with a panic attack? I had one before for the same reason as today but still really can't explain that. All I know my mom is the reason for it. It always has to be her. Sure today it was on something small but she's been doing this for years!

I don't ask for help very often. I prefer trying to do things on my own to see if I can do it with out any assistance. Hooray for wanting to be independent but why does everyone insist this is the right moment to help me. Do I look as though I can't doing the simplest things on my own? Seriously it irks me so much that I can't try and do things on my own. The moment I need help and needed it at dire moments, my parents and a lot of people just turns the other cheek. It's like throwing a child in the ocean an expect them to swim, but no one taught him how. Yet they'll go to the season veteran of swimming and tries to each them how to do it.

Sure I had my fair share of problems and have asked for help in many ways. But to a lot of people they just want to push you aside and help someone who's doing just fine. hopefully the rest of my day will be just fine.
 
*manager pokes head around corner while I am making three orders at once*

"How long does the second grill take to warm up?" she asks

"Dunno, never timed it; should be ready any minute." I reply, flipping sandwiches

"HEY!"

O.O

"You better show me some respect, I don't like your attitude."

Wat.
 
My life is spiraling out of control and I can't stop it. My parents don't support me at all and just keep making my life more miserable, I've developed some severe medical issues I don't feel safe to tell them about because they're only going to get angry and cause me more harm, my depression and anxiety are killing me despite my meds, and I have to take 30 times the recommended dose of melatonin just to be able to sleep more than 30 minutes at night. My girlfriend is trying to do the best to support me and I love her but at the heart of the matter I'm a gay male and women don't interest me and while I truly love her I'm not satisfied with our relationship and I'm polyamorous but she's not so I can't even have multiple partners because she's uncomfortable with that and it's killing me. I used to date her brother and his girlfriend but now I can't and I still love both of them and they were actually realised I was submissive and were doms around me and my girlfriend isn't comfortable with a power dynamic and I still love the two of them I love all three of them but I can't just date all of them because society and age differences and life and I don't know what to do.
 
Yeah. I'm not good for a relationship but at 3AM in the morning, I'm good enough for a booty call? Get over yourself.
 
Really? Screw you! Karma's a bitch. That's all I have to say about that. Hope you choke, a$$hole.
 
So remind me, I'm the self centered asshole. Right. So going out of my way never meant anything at all? So staying up for hours on end and even buying you food late at night all those times while you had anxiety attacks meant nothing? Oh, what about the fact that I came to pick up your ass at a party you had an attack at 4 hours away? When I had clients in an hour? Yeah. I'm totally the self centered one, going out of my way to help you. Even holding your hair back when you stupidly downed sleeping pills and booze so you wouldn't get it covered in vomit? Despite the fact that I'm a sympathetic barfer?

Oh yeah, I'm totes a horribad friend.
 
Sometimes I wish I was mean enough to call people out, but unfortunately I'm still not that much of a witch yet....
 
I'm so fucking worn out. I've had way too much social interaction, seen too many people, and pushed myself to my physical limit today. And FYI, if you wanna talk to someone, DO NOT start the conversation with "So how did you get your injuries?". If You really wanna know, lead into it. Get to know the person a bit and then ask, but do not start with it. Because that is rude. Also please do not say "I'm sorry for you" when the person says, it's not an injury, it's a physical disability and they were born with it, because that is also rude.
 
What the hell did I do wrong?
 
Why in the world am I being lectured and talked down to as a child. All week it's been like this.
 
Losing weight. POINTLESS POINTLESS POINTLESS! I walk at a quick pace three hours a day, lift weights and skip a meal, and STILL 220.4 pounds! That same god damned number for a week now. What the hell is wrong with this universe that work never yields results?

Is it because I eat moderate amounts of sugar and starch? One grain of sugar, one quarter-ounce of starch = DIET JUST ABOUT RUINED!! The hell do I have to do, eat tasteless crap for the rest of my life to lose one pound and keep it off?

Screw it. This week, I'm confining myself to water. People can live without solid food for a month. I just want to see if I finally lose one god damned pound, or if this gut is stuck on me forever just because I didn't start this venture "in my prime" two measly years ago. Fascist human metabolism.
 
Today is one of those days where I am about to say fuck it all. I'm so done. I typically don't get stressed out but today is just one of those days.
 
Fucking cancer! Why does it always have to hit the good people of the world? Why can't all the twisted fucks and assholes get it? No, the fucking evil scum of the Earth live their lives with perfect health, while the best people you'll ever meet end up withering away. Fuck! I need a damn drink right now.
 
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