My mom worked overnight so she was sleeping today. My dad was annoyed because she was bossing my brother around. So she totally blew up and threw things and went crazy...~When stuff like this happens, I start to wonder about a lot of things... Most of all, I feel stupid.
Ninetynine percent of the time, I'm always happy. These things that happen have become a usual part of my life that I just accept as the troublesome things in life, but that isn't what bothers me. Sometimes, I feel like me pushing myself to be happy is just me being naive and stupid. I'm always going to come crashing down at moments like these. I'm always going to cry. I'm always going to feel like none of this is ever going to end and let me live. I'm always going to love them regardless~ no matter how much I say I hate my mom, no matter how much she ruins my life, deep down, the reason why I cry when she yells at me, is because I wish it were different, because I wish I had a real mom...
People always say I'm so strong when they hear about what goes on in my life, but I always feel so fortunate, because I'm always able to be happy, I'm always able to smile. These short moments of distress are a part of life, I know, but at this very moment, no matter how many times I remind myself of this, I can't stand it. I want throw the closest thing in frustration and yell at her. I want to tell her that she needs to shut up! That I've had enough! That there's nothing worse than her in this world! Why does she scream so much? What nonsense is she screaming? She's a dirty, filthy-minded woman who has nothing better to do than to drive us insane! Always looking for attention by making me look bad in front of her friends. I don't really CARE. I don't really CARE AT ALL. You're the one who goes and gossips with your friends and talks about how terrible your husband and children are. Then when people complain about your family being dysfunctional, why in the world do you come yell your frustrations at us.
...I want to put up with this. I don't want to be distressed by her stupid words, her useless rantings. She never meant anything to me; she's never done anything for me. I can't stand her presence because she symbolizes every bad thing I've ever done or seen. It was my mother that taught me all the wrong things to do, my mother who insisted that I go against my religion, my mother who was always there, whispering cruel, nasty things to me so that I would become like her. I never did. I only cried for the mother that I've never had. It's like no one in my family understands how it is~ everyone thinks I'm the bad girl, the one that doesn't acknowledge her own mother with kindness. How can I? How can I acknowledge something so evil that her maliciousness goes beyond my own perception? I never see it coming, the way she talks, you'll never know. A couple of days later, she'll use it against you in a way that'll make you regret even the happiest memories you may have blurted to her.
Am I so naive if I wish to be happy ? Am I so stupid that I want to laugh despite her shouting in the living room. Is it wrong of me to accept that background music in my house and continue with my life ? Just because I'm affected by her words, just because they bring tears to my eyes or anger in my heart doesn't mean I should forever chew and swallow the poison she sprouts, does it ? If I don't want to hear it, I can leave and go outside, spend time in the snow, relax, but that's running away isn't it ? I want to face it. Even if it makes me cry. Even if it makes me sick. I want to face it. And then, when it's all over and she goes to her room, bangs the door, and shuts up, I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to do all the things I can possibly do just to prove that she can't change who I am simply because she yells, that she can't change the outcome of my day with her nasty words.
I don't mind if I'm upset for an hour or two as long as I can stand back up again and act like it never happened. Like now, its been an hour and I've opened my book again. I want to work on my homework with a clear mind, not the heavy burden of my mother's torment.
Why does it affect me ? Why do her words torment me so ? I don't care for her. She never cared for me. Yet my heart hurts when she yells and I find myself crying. You won't pay for my private school ? Fine, my dad will. You won't buy me anything? Fine, my dad will. You won't care for me ? Fine, everyone else will. You won't pay for college tuition? Fine, it's not like I ever expected you to. She talks like she's doing me a favour all her life when she has done nothing manipulate my feelings and twist me around her finger. My father used to tell me bitterly that this was a woman who took my stroller and pushed into the middle of the street just to prove that she hated me so & I used to tell him not to say such things about her because she was a woman, a mother and there was no way she could hate her child. But I'm not a kid anymore, I see things that most people won't notice & I can see the hatred in my mother's eyes for me. I can see that she doesn't care nor does she bother to pretend to. And I think...I think that's what hurts me. Maybe I do want her to care after all ? Maybe its like all the simple fantasies in my heart ~ maybe one of the things I wished to accomplish when I grew up was my mother's love for me. I guess, I'm starting to see that will never happen. I can live without it, I know, but it just makes me a bit sad when she's yelling.
Even if its naive of me to keep dreaming, to wait until my heart has calmed down and continue working as though she never ruined my day at all, I don't care. I like being happy all the time. I like having gentle things to say, smiling at the sky just because its blue or watching the clouds pass by above. I like having fun with little things like fixing my books or dusting the room. I won't let my mother take that away from me. I won't let anyone take away the small happinesses I can create for myself. No matter how stupid it is for me to be a child like that, no matter how futile it is to build castles in the sky and be happy all time, I will do it.