Rant your Brains Again!(Once More)

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@ Inky: Never underestimate life's ability to surprise. There are things more terrible and more beautiful to come.

@ WMD: It's the recession. Everyone I know is borrowing from their parents. All of my cousins who are in their mid-30s have had to go back to live with their parents. It's a shit time, and we just need to be left standing when it all blows over.

@ Piro: Be the best at writing and storytelling. You've got the potential, if you keep working at it. Strip your writing down, edit and re-edit, find the key words and key triggers that inspire feelings in others.
 
AH FUCKING GODDAMMIT!

I'M NOT A DRUNK ANYMORE!

SO STOP TREATING ME LIKE ONE!

AND STOP TREATING ME LIKE IT'S AMAZING THAT I HAVEN'T DONE ANY HORRID COLLEGE STUFF....

...

OK! SO I ALMOST GOT INTO A THREESOME! BUT I LEFT BEFORE THE SEX! I DIDN'T WANT TO CHEAT ON RYKER! BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT CUZ I HAVE TO HIDE HIM FROM YOU AND MOM AND DAD!

STOP CALING ME DRUNK AGAIN! AND I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT ROB! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE GIRLS YOU HANG WITH! STOP TRYING TO FUCKING IMPRESS ME! I'M YOUR LITTLE SISTER! IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH!

AND STOP CALLING ME THE GOLDEN CHILD!

I'm a horrid person and you know it! I'm a lie! My parents think I'm a fucking saint, meanwhile I'm surfing the web, looking for porn, and getting on sites to figure out how to talk to them about problems.

Please, please, PLEASE! HELP ME!

Brother, why must you condemn me? You're my best friend until a second passes.

BROTHER! WHY?! WHY IS ONE OF YOUR PAST GIRLFRIENDS TRYING TO TALK TO ME! WHY DO THEY ALWAYS TELL ME ABOUT YOU IN BED?!

It's bad enough I walked in on you and Catlin, but this is disturbing!

WHO TELLS THEIR EX'S SISTER ABOUT THEIR MEMORIES OF FUCKING HER BROTHER?!

THAT'S MORE FUCKED UP THAN I CAN HANDLE THE THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!
 
@ WMD: It's the recession. Everyone I know is borrowing from their parents. All of my cousins who are in their mid-30s have had to go back to live with their parents. It's a shit time, and we just need to be left standing when it all blows over.

thats reassuring dude, cheers.
 
I'm officially everything I hate in women.

A trophy.
That's all I have ever been.
That's all I will ever amount to.

My whole life.
 
P'shaw. Unless the rest of your life has happened already happened, and you're dead, I'll remain skeptical concerning your prediction. :p

I've missed a lot in not checking this place.

I've also admittedly procrastinated so long in replying to some entries so as to be irrelevant.

Hmm.
 
~_~ I didn't realize I wrote so much...Oo Eh...I really got into the rant, huh ? x3 Eheh...
My mom worked overnight so she was sleeping today. My dad was annoyed because she was bossing my brother around. So she totally blew up and threw things and went crazy...~When stuff like this happens, I start to wonder about a lot of things... Most of all, I feel stupid.

Ninetynine percent of the time, I'm always happy. These things that happen have become a usual part of my life that I just accept as the troublesome things in life, but that isn't what bothers me. Sometimes, I feel like me pushing myself to be happy is just me being naive and stupid. I'm always going to come crashing down at moments like these. I'm always going to cry. I'm always going to feel like none of this is ever going to end and let me live. I'm always going to love them regardless~ no matter how much I say I hate my mom, no matter how much she ruins my life, deep down, the reason why I cry when she yells at me, is because I wish it were different, because I wish I had a real mom...

People always say I'm so strong when they hear about what goes on in my life, but I always feel so fortunate, because I'm always able to be happy, I'm always able to smile. These short moments of distress are a part of life, I know, but at this very moment, no matter how many times I remind myself of this, I can't stand it. I want throw the closest thing in frustration and yell at her. I want to tell her that she needs to shut up! That I've had enough! That there's nothing worse than her in this world! Why does she scream so much? What nonsense is she screaming? She's a dirty, filthy-minded woman who has nothing better to do than to drive us insane! Always looking for attention by making me look bad in front of her friends. I don't really CARE. I don't really CARE AT ALL. You're the one who goes and gossips with your friends and talks about how terrible your husband and children are. Then when people complain about your family being dysfunctional, why in the world do you come yell your frustrations at us.

...I want to put up with this. I don't want to be distressed by her stupid words, her useless rantings. She never meant anything to me; she's never done anything for me. I can't stand her presence because she symbolizes every bad thing I've ever done or seen. It was my mother that taught me all the wrong things to do, my mother who insisted that I go against my religion, my mother who was always there, whispering cruel, nasty things to me so that I would become like her. I never did. I only cried for the mother that I've never had. It's like no one in my family understands how it is~ everyone thinks I'm the bad girl, the one that doesn't acknowledge her own mother with kindness. How can I? How can I acknowledge something so evil that her maliciousness goes beyond my own perception? I never see it coming, the way she talks, you'll never know. A couple of days later, she'll use it against you in a way that'll make you regret even the happiest memories you may have blurted to her.

Am I so naive if I wish to be happy ? Am I so stupid that I want to laugh despite her shouting in the living room. Is it wrong of me to accept that background music in my house and continue with my life ? Just because I'm affected by her words, just because they bring tears to my eyes or anger in my heart doesn't mean I should forever chew and swallow the poison she sprouts, does it ? If I don't want to hear it, I can leave and go outside, spend time in the snow, relax, but that's running away isn't it ? I want to face it. Even if it makes me cry. Even if it makes me sick. I want to face it. And then, when it's all over and she goes to her room, bangs the door, and shuts up, I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to do all the things I can possibly do just to prove that she can't change who I am simply because she yells, that she can't change the outcome of my day with her nasty words.

I don't mind if I'm upset for an hour or two as long as I can stand back up again and act like it never happened. Like now, its been an hour and I've opened my book again. I want to work on my homework with a clear mind, not the heavy burden of my mother's torment.

Why does it affect me ? Why do her words torment me so ? I don't care for her. She never cared for me. Yet my heart hurts when she yells and I find myself crying. You won't pay for my private school ? Fine, my dad will. You won't buy me anything? Fine, my dad will. You won't care for me ? Fine, everyone else will. You won't pay for college tuition? Fine, it's not like I ever expected you to. She talks like she's doing me a favour all her life when she has done nothing manipulate my feelings and twist me around her finger. My father used to tell me bitterly that this was a woman who took my stroller and pushed into the middle of the street just to prove that she hated me so & I used to tell him not to say such things about her because she was a woman, a mother and there was no way she could hate her child. But I'm not a kid anymore, I see things that most people won't notice & I can see the hatred in my mother's eyes for me. I can see that she doesn't care nor does she bother to pretend to. And I think...I think that's what hurts me. Maybe I do want her to care after all ? Maybe its like all the simple fantasies in my heart ~ maybe one of the things I wished to accomplish when I grew up was my mother's love for me. I guess, I'm starting to see that will never happen. I can live without it, I know, but it just makes me a bit sad when she's yelling.

Even if its naive of me to keep dreaming, to wait until my heart has calmed down and continue working as though she never ruined my day at all, I don't care. I like being happy all the time. I like having gentle things to say, smiling at the sky just because its blue or watching the clouds pass by above. I like having fun with little things like fixing my books or dusting the room. I won't let my mother take that away from me. I won't let anyone take away the small happinesses I can create for myself. No matter how stupid it is for me to be a child like that, no matter how futile it is to build castles in the sky and be happy all time, I will do it.

I know, that there will always be times like this, times that make me cry or cause me to be upset. I can't be happy right now, while the pain of the moment is still fresh, but that's okay. Because those are my emotions, those are what make me human. What's important is that once I'm content with what's happened today, I want to smile and laugh and be happy, even if its stupid to build up happiness to have it fall down, I'll do it. Because...Because that's just how I want to live my life.

There shouldn't be anything wrong with that, right ? If I want to be a fool, so be it....?
 
It sucks balls to have an evil mother, Sakukins. But eventually you DO get to move out and leave. e.e;; My mother was also the spawn of Satan and made me and Isaboo miserable for many many years.

Now living a few states away, those moments she calls to tell us about how horrible life is there, we're uber relieved that we dun have to deal with it anymore. x_x
 
My fucking brother, will expand later.
 
Let's play the What's Wrong With TZS Game!

Because apparently there's something wrong with me. Everyone says so. Seriously, my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE-EVERYONE I KNOW KEEPS ASKING ME "What's wrong? What's wrong with you?"

Now, I've always considered myself a fairly well adjusted adult for having such a train wreck of a childhood- I mean, everyone has a traumatic childhood to a degree, growing up is traumatic. I'm not on drugs, I have a fairly solid sense of self, I haven't killed anyone, I think I turned out ok.

So why is everyone convinced I'm messed up? Any suggestions?

Example I've had this migraine threatening the horizon for three days now. I've explained this, I've been popping pain medication regularly for a week now, and I didn't get my nap. Now, instead of throwing a fit today I encouraged my husband to have his friend over, invited a friend of mine over for us all to hang out and play video games, but before my friend gets here, while my husband and his friend are playing games, I decided to fool around the forum. Say hi, look at a couple funny pictures, whatever. They're good, I'm good, it's all good...

Next thing I know they've vacated, and my husband is coming back over to interrogate me about my brooding making all his friends uncomfortable and how he feels like I'm trying to punish him for something and could I please come out with it so he can apologize.

So what's wrong with me? Any suggestions?
 
I WANNA GIRLFRIEND! I WANNA GIRLFRIEND! NOW! NOW!!! GIRLFRIEND! GIRLFRIEND!!

*points*

HERE! HERE! GIRLFRIEND HERE - NOW!! GIRLFRIEND! GIRLFRIEND!

AAAAAAAAAGH!

I WANNA GIRLFRIEND!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
 
.......*Giggling........!* Okay-- my rant? :D I HAVE FUCKING DRUG DEALING SLIME HOLE NEIGHBORS NEXT DOOR WHO ARE NOISY CUNTS.ANIMAL CONTROL FINALLY TOOK THAT UGLY PITTBULL AWAY BECAUSE THEY WERE STARVING HIM. I hear the same fucking goddamn cars pulling up at literally -all- hours of every single day in the driveway with a huge long "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNK!!!" That always makes me want to rush out the door with a baseball bat in my hands and beat the shit out of the driver. Clubhouse is annoying me too- ALL those stupid emo people walking around and whining about their member supportive needs- and when I- have one its like, WHO CARES-._. I want to tell Debbie Ailshire to go shove that bus she rides to the new clubhouse every day up her twat, because she told PAM Sanford the director, that I CAN GET ON THE BUS AND NOT HAVE CAR RIDES UP THERE. I don't like the busses in Norman, I have too many stalkers, and people don't know when to shut the fuck up and let me listen to my damn MP3 player. .-. Worse, theres CHILD MOLESTERS and RAPISTS that are on the bus everyday. NOT To mention there's kidnappers and murderers too. D: I HATE PEOPLE. They always come up to me while Im minding my own business, or trying to think of pleasant things, and bombard me with their stuuupid domestic problems. I always want to tell them to sit and twirl on their m REST OF THE FUCKING YEAR. I WISH I HAD DOMESTIC PROBLEMS. BUT NO I WILL PROBABLY ROT IN THE COLD STREETS AFTER FEBRUARY. Good thing I have food stamps. NINJA from AFTA has royally pissed me off-- everytime he says he wants to rp with me he weasels his way out of it- so he's on my shit list too! Its snowy and Icy...... and I have got to go home because sleeping on the floor hurts- and I want my bed... ! But I don't want to go to clubhouse till this snow-ice crap is gooooone..... .-. I hope more people disappear off the face of the earth by that time. Anyway.... what else to rant about...? Oh!!! NEW Years........DONT Get me started on New Years....... I will have to blow something up. >:(
 
I WANNA GIRLFRIEND! I WANNA GIRLFRIEND! NOW! NOW!!! GIRLFRIEND! GIRLFRIEND!!

*points*

HERE! HERE! GIRLFRIEND HERE - NOW!! GIRLFRIEND! GIRLFRIEND!

AAAAAAAAAGH!

I WANNA GIRLFRIEND!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!


yeah. it gets like that.
 
...this thread was more rage than I had anticipated.....

Makes me love the way I have things even more.....

so, um, my rant is....


WHY THE FUCK AM I PAYING FOR MY TEXTBOOKS IN COLLEGE WHEN I'M FORKING OUT THOUSANDS TO GO TO CLASS ALREADY!??!?!
 
I can relate to the not having a girlfriend thing, it sucks being alone and without sex. At the same time, however, the freedom that comes with being single is nice too.
 
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I WISH THIS PLACE WAS LESS PUBLIC SO I COULD VENT FUCKDAMMIT YOUFUCKEDMEUPISCREWEDYOUUPFUCKTHISFEELINGIHATEYOUALL
 
Wave goodbye. Childhood ain't coming back not matter how hard you try to stand still. Save the last of the dignity you managed to cling onto and don't try to run towards the ever diminishing image of where you used to be. Just turn around. You can't expect this free ride to last forever. You have to get off and start walking on your own, even if you are just chasing after the car you just got off of.
 
This week.... THIS WEEK..... I hate this week, everything i have been dreading has happened. Lost love, ild voices that i swish to forget both internal and external. faces best left unseen. I just hope that its over, I don't dare hope that I'll be ok. I won't, at least not for a while. It feels like its over, damn i hope its over.
 
I can relate to the not having a girlfriend thing, it sucks being alone and without sex. At the same time, however, the freedom that comes with being single is nice too.


eh, having never had one, my angst is more directed at the "i wish i knew what having a girlfreind feels like" shit.



anyway.

fishing and booze always soothe my frayed edges. though lets hope its more of the former and less of the latter.
 
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