I am scared.
Lost.
I don't know what to do....the voice inside my mind is yelling lies at me...its killing me...why won't it shut up?
I know what I have to do...but I can't stop myself from feeling scared as hell.
I hate uncertainty.
I have one thing to hold onto...but damnit...the voice...
....fuck I need to be held and to be told it will be ok....everything will be ok....I will make it....
I need to feel whole again...But where I'm at, that isn't possible yet.
Why does it seem so impossible? So far away...unreachable.
Why does it feel as if the world set up against me, determined to have me fall into despair...each little attack coming at exactly the right time...cracking my minds barrier slowly until the cracked pieces fall down to expose the frailty behind.
Next part:
You know what, I'm…tired of how things are. It feels like everyone is out for what is in it for them. Those that aren't are treated like shit, misunderstood and shunned. When all they tried to do is be a good and just person.
Humanity is broken. The news is just a slaughter fest of bullshit.
We need more people who actually have...MORALS. ADMIRABLE GOALS AND AMBITIONS.
Instead we have multitudes of those like me…jealous, lazy…good for nothing, crude displays of the human race. Biting and fighting to be number one in something or another, not trying to simply..just…BE. Just live. Everyone needs to sit back and look and realize….oh…hey…yeah…we are human…we will die…all this materialistic shit we scramble for… it means nothing. The memories and actions we make or take mean so much more than the shirt on our backs or the car that we drive. (This is stemming from my moms seemingly insatiable need to buy useless things. Its rubbed off on me cause hey, it's the example I was fed. I catch myself when I have money…needing to burn a hole in my pocket and I disgust myself sometimes.)
Next next part:
Hi. Hey. How are ya. Yeah, I'm being emo. Now, leave me the fuck alone or take me to the damn DMV so I can get a job. Yeah I'm looking at you 'parent trap.' I've been here, sitting on my ass since I was 16. I'm not going to be your daughters free babysitter forever. The being "the good daughter" and "doing my duty" shit is getting old.
Whatever, I know that's stuff my voice whispered to me, they never said I had to or that it was my duty…but god…how much more could it have been implied.
I wish I could get the years back. The minutes the hours…the days I tried sleep away. Dreading getting out of bed. Knowing that I'd just be getting up to doing nothing with my life. Watching a kid that wasn't even damn mine. I should have yelled louder, sooner, about me getting out.
"You're the good daughter…don't say anything…keep your head down and watch your sister."
Or even… "You brought this on yourself for getting kicked out of school. Shut up and take it like a bitch."
Yeah, this is all stuff my inner voice has whispered at me. But damnit I'm finally reaching the ultimate breaking point...I'm tired of the fact that each time I try to get one of them to take me to the DMV that they brush me off. Even sarcastically at times. FUCK. I'm trying to get off my ass here people. How much louder do I have to yell at you? You complain that I'm on the computer all the time, yet, when I try and get you to help me obtain something that will enable me to do things…you…ignore me.
Oh. And thank you everyone for deserting me. Screw you, I never considered you to be friends anyway, fake people with fake actions.
At least when I put on a mask I let truth shine through.
To the one I did consider a friend…Your scar runs deep, you made it harder to trust. Thanks for the betrayal and lies.
I'm done with things being how they are, things will change.
I will make them.
