Rant your Brains Again!(Once More)

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So. new school, right ? Public School. Big Scary. Big Whoop. That's not event the start of my problems T_T. It doesn't even matter right now that I haven't made many friends yet or don't know alot of people well because I guess, its new, and I'm TRYING to get used to it.

The problem is my Ap Calculus class. :33 Okay fine. Physics, too. But Physics isn't hard, I just have to self-study cuz my teacher takes an hour to go over TWO homework questions. No biggie. I take my book with me and study during that. But Calculus. Calculus is so complicated ! @.@

I mean. I don't hate math. I actually like it in that I'm okay with it way. I don't love it or do it in my free time, but you see what I mean, right ?

And at the beginning of the year, they put me in PreCalc && I was like NU ITS SO BORING so I asked for a transfer to Calculus. I took three placement tests & they put me in AP Calc. && now I don't know anyone that well (took emails, but still, come on, how many questions can you ask online and who really bothers to reply anyway ?) and well, no one in my house can help me with my homework -- or studying for a test so I'm stuck pretty good.

Now I just have to keep trying. :33 KEEP TRYING until I CAN SOLVE EVERY ODD QUESTION IN THE BOOK only cuz evens don't have answers in the back.

RAWR DETERMINATION PERSEVERANCE SUCCESSS

This was more of a inspire myself rant. Yeah. Okay.

Sank yuu <3
 
I bring shame to my position. I wish I could take back what I have said but it seems that wish is one that nobody can have. Bearing with it, I can only blame myself for what guilt I feel right now. A recent PM has turned out to reveal myself for what I really have turned into as of late. I wish to rethink the situation and start over from scratch. Do not be suprised if I start acting formal.
 
I hate giving money away to people I know stole the item they are returning. I cant prove it but I just can tell. They are always full of random bull shit chatter, twitchy and have lame stories. I hate it, I hate it. I cant say I know you stole this, but I want to. I want to say, your not getting shit from me, because the second I finish the transaction what do they ask for, just guess...

CIGARETTES!!!

Without fail everytime. That is how I know they stole whatever they are returning. I mean who the hell returns OLive oil huh? And 10 dollar bags of Beef Jerkey!! its insane stupid bullshit.. We should never take back food but we do! Its so fucking stupid!
 
get a bat, bash their brains in.


or even better, jsut envision it in your head, and then you dont have to suffer the legal repercussions!
 
Oh I do luffi I do.. I think about stabbing them in the head over and over and then setting them on fire.. while they are alive... I like that best of all.. Ill just stand back and listen to them scream as the flesh falls from their bodies..
 
Why do they treat me like a toy? WHy do they love to see me squirm? Why do I let them have their fun? Why I want to see them burn and still fall for their words? Why it everything that was once so simple strinling me with their twisted words? Why do I bother asking knowing I fear the answers? Why do I set myself up to fail and then hate the world when it all comes crashing down? WHy do I play games inside my own head? Why do I let them have their fun? Why all I still here asking? Why do I love the hate? Why do I hate the love?
 
I HATE YOU INTERNET. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO MEN. EVERY TIME SOMETHING IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN "EASY INSTALL".

Suuuure, install the new phone line perfect, get the new cable modem set up... and then you KILL my wireless internert! D:< What about DIana?! WHAT ABOUT DIANA'S COMPUTER! I don't wanna use this man's monster! I want MY computer on the internet!

DAMN YOOOOUUU COX AND LYNKSYYYYYS!
 
So the bank is charging my dad 85$ to close down my dead mother's account......

What the FUCK? What a bunch of soulless, greedy, sacks of shit! What wastes of human life are these bankers?! That's just retarded, my dad yelled at the person on the phone and I can see why. I'd do the same thing. How hard is it just to close an account anyhow? There's no money left in there either..

85$ dollars? We're low on money, that money could go to food, water, stuff for the cats, gas for the cars. Much better things than paying some douchebags at a bank who are just going to blow it on fucking Rolex watches.

I really almost want to take ALL of my money out of that bank too. But that'd be rather complicated at this point in time. But then again, trying to find a good bank, does one exist here in America? Probably not. They all just want money, they don't care about people or if they're doing the right thing. That's part of the reason why America is going down the shit hole. Man I can see myself moving out of the country one day.
 
Why is it, when you're having "one of those days" it's not just one person that you can easily shrug off your shoulders, but several people... thus compounding everything in to one big ball of emo suckage until you'd rather just say fuck it and go back to bed forever. >:[
 
Hugs. I don't know. But it is true isn't it?

No one puts anything away! Not that these people are dirty, far from it they are among the cleanest people I have ever met but DAMMIT DON'T LEAVE THE CREAMER OUT.
 
Why do I feel like I've been drowning in my own tears for so many years now? Oh right I dont let myself cry so yeah, Im drowing from the inside out. Hmmm.. well yeah I'll snap soon and my dam will break along with whole world. One huge crack right up the side like fucking Humpty Dumpty. So until then Ill sit on the wall, the great wall of my divided life.
 
Oh I'm cute? oh..ok. IF ONE MORE PERSON CALLS ME CUTE AND IM GOING TO SNAP.

I sound like I'm twelve? GO SCREW YOUR MOTHER....you know your into that shit anyway you freak of nature. INBRED LITTLE SHIT.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I look like I'm how old? I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. OK IM LYING, ALL I WANT IS JUST ONE GODDAMN...sexy.

That's hard for people though, so: aww your cute. You'll love it when your older. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF I'LL LOVE IT WHEN I'M OLDER!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE CALLED BEAUTIFUL...HOT....SOMETHING....ANYTHING BUT CUTE...but...NOOOOOOOO. No....WHY! Twenty and I look how old? SCREW YOU GENETICS AND WHAT HAVE YOU...I DON'T CARE IF I'LL LIKE IT LATER IN LIFE.

GODDAMN PERVERT THAT CORRUPTED MY MIND. YOU KNEW I WAS TOOOOO DAMN YOUNG, A BIG FUCK YOU TOOOO YOUUUUUUU.

She's not my damn kid. STOP CALLING ME MOMMY. STOP SCARING ME WHEN YOU RUNN OFF AND DON'T ANSWER ME WHEN I CALL. FUCK THIS...PAY ME FOR THE SIX YEARS YOU'VE STOLEN FROM ME!

....I can't even drive because of you both. LOVE YOU MOMMY. LOVE YOU DADDY. I can't be in public alone. I can't even pump gas. IM SO DAMN INSECURE.

I CAN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. I CAN'T BE HAPPY WITHOUT PUSHING THE SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON THAT I HOLD IN MY HEART.

I hate myself sometimes. I don't feel worthy at all of love. ITS ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE: TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.....But I'm not worthy.

Screw you, I'm not a tease. I JUST HAVE FUCKING METAPHORICAL BALLS.

Why do you give me that look like I'm stupid. Like I'm weird. Like I'm a freak? Excuse me for not being a carbon copy: just like the "everyday person" you want me to be and are used to. I LIKE BEING THIS RANDOM THANK YOU.

AND WHY...just why...DO THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LIKE ME HAVE TO LIVE SO DAMN FAR AWAY. WHY DOES THE INTERNET HAVE TO TAUNT ME WITH WHAT COULD BE!

Why does no one notice when you need a hand to pull you out of the water...that your drowning slowly and need to be saved.

STOP BUYING DAMN JUNK FOOD. YOUR KILLING ME DAMNIT YOU KNOW I'M A STRESS EATER AND I'VE BEGGED YOU TO NOT BUY THAT SHIT, IF YOU WANT TO KILL ME SO MUCH THEN BUY ME SOME MORE GODDAMN SMOKES...I'm out. Not like I can buy them for myself, you hold me here, refusing to help me get my drivers license just so I'll continue being your free babysitter.

STOP CALLING ME MOMMY LITTLE GIRL....do you know how desperate you have to be to talk to a seven year old about how your feeling?

I want to cry, scream, die...something. DAMNIT! I hide so much inside...got to be the 'good daughter.'

Stop asking me why I am on the computer all the time. Its how I escape.

AND I CAN'T HELP IT THAT IT FREAKS ME OUT AND I'M A BIT OF A GERMAPHOBE WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING THE TRASH OUT. DAMNIT, ALL I ASKED WAS THAT YOU TAKE THE STUPID THING OUT OF THE CAN AND TIE IT FOR ME SO I CAN CARRY IT OUTSIDE AND YOU ACT AS IF I WENT OUT AND GOT MYSELF PREGGERS LIKE EVERY DAMN REDNECK HILLBILLY STUPID ASS BITCH OF A GIRL THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH DID.

I......just.....want.....away....from...it...all.

The last time I saw a friend, got out of the house for something other than a family thing, was months ago. I'm insignificant in my own mind at times...I don't matter it feels like.

Your ripping my heart out each time you say something nice like that. Please stop being so wonderful, make me hate you? Please?

CLOSING MSN NOW SO I CAN BE ALL BITTER, DAMN YOU PEOPLE THAT MAKE ME SMILE THEN RIP THAT SMILE RIGHT BACK AWAY.

Who will let me down next and leave when they said they wouldn't.
How hard is it to say I love you, Mom...Dad? Really? If I'm going to be here day after day, you wasting my life for me. At least do something other than grunt a hello as you pass by to go to work.

WAIT...OHHHHHHH HELLLLLLLL NOOOOO. I'M THE DRUNK? YOU DUMB PILL POPPING BITCH! I'M THE ONE HOLDING YOUR SHAKING AND QUIVERING BODY UP SO YOU DON'T FALL ON THE GLASS TABLE.

And she calls me a drunk when I have a few shots.

YOUR DRUNK EVERY NIGHT.....NOT TO MENTION THE PILLS AGAIN.

Cunt.


And here we are again, lonely feeling.
No one to hold.
No one to hold me.
No comfort.
Just my fears.

And I act like its all ok.

Smile...I'm in denial.
 
WHAT THE HELL MOTHER!!!
Do you even understand the concept of paying people back?? I had a bloody collage fund for a fucking reason. So what if I'm not going to collage this year? That doesn't mean you can pull out that money without even TELLING me! Sure. i let the 6,000 you took out slide. And yeah. You paid me 1,600 back for now. But don't tell me that if you're just going to take 850 out a few days later!!! What was the fucking POINT of paying me back then? Oh, and thanks for TELLING ME! Now my account is overdrawn because I didn't know that i didn't have as much as YOU TOLD ME I DID. Now, I'm going to have to deal with another fucking bounced check from dance. I'm already backed up on payments because you keep taking my fucking money. THANK YOU. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have to fucking worry about getting a job! 10,000 was MORE than enough to last me through the year.
And you know what? I don't even fucking know if I want to go to New York. Stop telling everyone that I'm going to do shit when it's NOT FUCKING DECIDED YET! That's what happened this year. You told everyone I was going to fucking New York for collage and then when I didn't get accepted, I had to deal with everyone asking why the fuck I wasn't there. I'm not as great as you tell everyone. Maybe I'm not supposed to be an actor. Maybe I can get by in life just doing my backup. But would that be enough for you? Probably not. It's not glamorous enough. Is Forensic Psychology not something to brag about? Too fucking bad. That's what's going to happen if I don't get into an acting collage. And there's not a fucking thing you can do about it.
BECAUSE I CAN SPEND MY MONEY HOW I WANT!!!
*Breathes in and out heavily*
 
Just fucking shoot me. Anyone, someone just do it, get it over with. No questions, no blame, no court. Nothing, just bang, done, over and out. Why try to say anything more that hasn't already been said. It's not worth repeating, after all that is the thing I hate most of all.
 
I'll tell you this much.

i've fucking had it with this inability to get a job/money.

I'm sick of having to reach into my fucking parents pockets to go to TAFE, im fucking sick of driving my sister to her mates places.......once again, because that shit costs petrol, which costs money, which means i gotta be thge mooching fucktard.


fuck i hope this bar and waiting course lands me a good job.

otherwise im fucked.
 
I hate it when I have to come here but if I don't say it this shit will hang onto me for another couple days.

WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER? A total emo moment. I mean I have never once been the first person to be called upon for anyone that doesn't know me. I for once would like to be the best at something. I don't care about the radius or how large the array is, I would just like to be called the best. But no, not in kickball, not in groups, and not even luck has shined its goodness upon me. For fuck sake there has to be something i can be the best at? I'm not even good at complaining and that sounds easy to do. So I wallow in my own bit of loserdom still trying to find that one ray of hope.
 
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