So everyone pretty much knows that I love what I do, and really there is no other place I wold rather be right now than our clinic a school. Every time I walk in at 7:30 in the morning until I leave at around 8:00 pm every night, I am happier than I am anywhere else. Our class has gotten so small now, we went from 30 to 8 people in a matter of a year. Maybe this program might be a little stressful and time consuming?
That being said, even though I do love doing what I do, I'm not too incredibly sure that I'm cut out for it. I try.. I try to study. And I do, I'm finding that my best method is to study with a group, but at the same time, it's hard for me to concentrate that way. Guys, I got my test yesterday and got through the first part fine, but when Dr. G came in with her Hematology portion.. EIGHT PAGES of fill-in-the-blank answers over shit that I didn't even remember going over. My eyes teared up. I have never, EVER, had a test in school make me cry in my life, but this one made me just want to crawl into a dark hole and die. I knew I couldn't do it. I got through it the best I could, bullshit some of it, and left a lot blank. And now I'm left wondering if I'm good enough to be doing this..
Same thing happened the night before. We were assigned a case study. I stared at that piece of paper for two hours, and finally just put my head on the table and cried in front of two of classmates. This freaked them out apparently, because they have never seen me cry. (Apparently, I have this huge 'tough girl' persona I had no idea about,. Go figure. e.e;) But I felt so helpless and so stupid.. and even though I want this SO BAD, am I good enough to get it? Am I just weighing myself down with too much? I'm trying to get my Sonography certificate at the same time.. so when the other students only have two classes, I have four. Two campus classes as well as the two I take online. In the past month, I have had to be taken to the hospital, and have had the flu, and I'm wondering if I am putting too much on myself. My family doesn't believe so, only because I've never really been the one to 'overachieve' at anything.. but these days I really wish they could see what my days are like.. I'm not complaining that mine are any worse than anyone else's, I just want them to see how I'm -not- just sitting on my ass all day doing nothing.. and why I'm always ready to drop the second I get in the door. Oh -- and did I mention the entire time I'm trying to get all of this schoolwork done, I was trying to WORK as well? That didn't end up working out. I had to quit because I had no time to do my online work.. and now I am dependent on my family for money once more.. which makes me feel horrible. Especially since I commute an hour every morning and every evening to get back and forth to school four days a week. You can just imagine the gas price on that little adventure.
Also, there is this girl in my class, and I know what you're thinking. "OH MY GOD, you sound like a second grader." I know. But hear me out on this one..
Not only does she talk back to the teacher to the point where you just want to throw one of our 60 lb books at her, but she always seems to find it necessary to be IN MY WAY when I am trying to get something done. We have three hours lab time for each of our labs. I understand her getting in my way if she was busy doing something just as I am, but she will stand in front of me, and just STAY THERE. To the point where I have to walk AROUND her. I mean.. I'm sorry if it's a bit harsh, but when I'm running around a clinic trying to get bloodwork on a dog done in a restricted amount of time, her happy little ass doesn't need to be standing right in FRONT of me.
She is one of those people who THINKS she is cute, and trying to be cute just makes her even uglier than she already is.
When we do workups on animals, part of the procedure is to draw blood for bloodwork. When you are assigned to a surgery patient, you are the one to take the blood in order to get your competencies. And since we need a large amount to get what we need to done, we always take blood from the jugular vein. Well, those who know me well know that I worked in a veterinary clinic for a year, and that I could take blood from everywhere else, but I never got a chance to try to hit the jugular, so I have a bit of trouble with it. And since every dog is different, you never know whether or not you will have a beautiful vein, or one that you have to feel for for twenty minutes before you're comfortable sticking it.
Well, this girl was assigned to be my partner on a dog, and that Monday I was forced to take blood for the first time, because she thinks it's her business to tell the teacher that I'm the only one who hasn't done it yet -- strike one. She hold the dog for me to hit the vein, and the entire time she is peering over my shoulder, pointing out little things and whispering them to me when I'm already nervous enough as it is. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I HAVE A TEACHER RIGHT BEHIND ME WHO WILL TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO IF I FORGET.
Most of the time, what she tells me is wrong anyway..
And afterward, when we're both runnig our blood work, she gets out al the supplies for everything we need, which is all fine and good. But, when she leaves, I go back into the lab and what do I find? Bloody wipes on the counter, the blood film stain is still out, refractometers lying on the exam table, and blood and alcohol left splattered on the inside of her sink. WHO DOES THAT? That is NASTY! Not to mention very damaging to our equipment, which is NOT cheap. So I was left to clean up the entire lab by myself before I could go home. And she lives two minutes away as opposed to my hour. I got home at 9pm that night because of her, and she got to be home at 6.
..Strike two.
And then yesterday, we were having our bandaging lab in nursing. We put a cast on the instructor's big dog, and I was chosen to put a spoon splint on a chihuahua... oh grand. I started my splint, and had the doctor behind me helping me out should I forget what to do, and I am in the middle of bandaging the leg when this same girl decides to just walk up and start petting the leg. I gave her the most evil 'go die' face I could muster before saying 'Uh, excuse me, I'm kinda in middle of something here..'
I feel like I'm not really living up to the expectations of my personality here by not saying more than I do to her, and believe me when I say that I have PLENTY to say the second she does something like this to me. I really... REALLY.. do NOT like her, and usually I don't have a problem telling you I don't like you, but since we have to work together on a daily basis, it works out better for me just to try and make her think I tolerate her, when I'm really on the verge of taking her head off with a scalpel blade.
I suppose I'll let her know what I think of her the night of the pinning ceremony. You're all invited to watch ;3
Then I suppose the last thing is what makes me the saddest..
My best friend told me ... eh, about six months ago now, that they were planning to move to Ohio at the end of June. I was devastated at the time, because she has been my best friend for over ten years now, she is the only one who truly knows me inside and out, and there is not another person on this planet like her. And now, she was moving to Ohio for.. a guy, and leaving me here alone.
Pretty selfish, huh?
Well, she never moved. They went up for a visit with some friends of theirs, and it didn't work out. I felt at ease for a bit. Relieved that she didn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. In these adt two weeks, she told me that she got a part-time job in a daycare after getting her certificate in Child education, and that they were trying to get her into a full-time position. Yay!
Well, we went to dinner last night and she told me she had something to tell me. It had been so long since this stuff had come up, that this wasn't even what came to mind when I told her to shoot.
She is moving to Ohio at the end of next month.
..So.. to sum everything up, I'm starting to get stressed to the point of burnout and exhaustion, and it is making me physically sick. I'm annoyed as hell by one person at school who would make everything better if she would just leave, and the one dearest to me that I don't want to leave is moving away for good..
I'm having a bad.. week.. month.. thing .__.;
