For most of the time that Senna had something to say to him, Blake didn't seem to be fazed by it, his smile never leaving his face. He didn't want to stop smiling. She wanted to see his smile, so he couldn't deny her that wish. However, he stopped once she pinched him by the cheek. What was wrong with his smile? He felt confused as to why she felt uncomfortable by it. She missed it, he knew, but she also didn't want his smiles at the moment.
It was confusing. He felt the mess of static in his head as he tried to organize these thoughts. He was trying to keep everything safe and sound, and something about that didn't settle right with Senna. Why was that? He was trying. There wasn't anything wrong with that. If he couldn't at least achieve that back before this all started, why not now?
"... why are you alike to my sister, Senna? You both said the same thing to me at one point. It hurts, you know?"
Possibly recovered from the surge of pain, Blake steadied himself onto his feet, his facial expression gone blank. Digging through his mind for an answer, he ended up delving into memories that mirrored this very situation... or so he thought. He remembered the conversation that led him down the path as a self-proclaimed vigilante. He went and did those things when others told him not to, but he rather do those things because nothing else was going to change.
"It's always the same thing I hear... 'don't do this on your own, Blake,' ... 'just stick by everyone and it'll be alright' ... 'you're making everything worse' ... but when I do that, I got the shitty end of it. I couldn't stand watching all of the bad things in life happen, seeing others ruining lives of other people, seeing my own two sisters terribly treated by my parents... I began all that I can to undo that pain. Back then, I would've avoided taking up the gun and do those bad things to ensure a happier life, I would've stayed in line."
The more he spoke, the more Blake was practically searching for his purpose again. Why was he even around anyways? What was his primary purpose? To protect everyone? To eliminate the bad things? To obtain that happier future that was always been an empty lie? Just as he would think more on it, he stopped to let it all sink in, or to remind himself of something as static echoed in his head.
A soft chuckle escaped his lips.
"But... you should know... that I was never okay to begin with. I was never okay with thinking about how many times I let people be harmed, be hurt, be killed. Letting others smile, laugh, or even blush with what I've said or done so far here, it fulfills my purpose on making people happy... and by that, it makes me feel happy and forget all about that terrible stuff..."
Almost like a dog that only knew how to respond to loving and caring actions, Blake didn't seem to react well with what Senna was telling him. Any normal person would realize that they were losing it, and admit it so. Blake wasn't seeing anything wrong or that his sanity was slipping. He needed to be reassured that things would be under his care. It was his obsession after all. An obsession that he was resorting to use so many times to cope... but it soon became a crutch by how he relied on this. It was like Senna's way of saying that he should cling onto hope and work alongside the others, braving through these tragedies... it was more of the likes on shooting Blake's whole world apart that he would be preventing these tragedies that they would otherwise live through... He didn't want that.
"Senna... everyone's safety... it's what makes me go on. I can't stand it, and soon enough, it could happen again. I could prevent it, and even then... I-I... are you denying me that chance? Are you not okay with what I want to do? I... I can't do this... I can't... I can't..."
Images flashed in his head. He remembered all of the murders of innocent folk back home, but he was ushered away by his parents because he was too young. He remembered the death of his first love before he could even talk to her, but her friends and family refused for him to see her one last time after the fact. He remembered seeing his parents abusing his two younger sisters, but he was shut out and treated as not part of the family before he could drag them out. He remembered all of the murders thus far since he got here, but all he could do now was use up their chances of finding the traitor each time someone was killed.
He couldn't stop thinking about it, because even when he tried to think about something else, it came up anyways. Like someone was forcing him to remember all of this now.
"... I can't stand it anymore. Don't you understand?! Why can't I try? I'll try and try and try, and I want to see something good come out of it! Even if it's meaningless to try, I'll continue... a-and... I won't be fine until this is all over!"
Letting the trauma get to him, Blake only realized now that he practically snapped in front of Senna. Wait, he wasn't supposed to do that. Not in front of someone that he wanted to protect so preciously. He couldn't believe partially that he was starting to give into the guilt that he put onto himself all of those times, but he couldn't help it. It was his true nature after all.
"... sorry."
Shaking his head at himself for snapping like that, Blake inhaled a deep breath to calm himself.
@Klutzy Ninja Kitty
