S
spartanxp
Guest
Original poster
English lesson; especially in writing fiction, commas can be both your best and worst friend. In the first sentence of your second paragraph, if written as above, should go something like this. "One of the mass started to move,(or .) it was pushed over by another." Also, I would have added something in the context of "it was pushed over by another-" lump of black liquid. My main discrepancy is the fact that throughout your narrative, you are speaking in third person, and all of a sudden your narrative switches by accident; you forgot the t in It, as in "It was" instead of "I was." This totally confused me for a moment, and I had to reread the sentence once or twice to get what you were saying there. It did make it seem like you were shifting context to the first person.One of the mass started to move it was pushed over by the other. Alexander open his eyes and stood up, "Ugh, son of a...." he stated as he held his head with his right hand. His hazel eyes look down at the lump of flesh to the right of him. I was half of a hideous looking monster, "foul beast." he stoke with a hint of annoyance. He ran his fingers through his spiky red hair as he looked himself over. No cuts or broken bones, just covered in monster blood and some weird space time ooze.
"Note: "Gabriel's Lantern" is a level two light type spell. It is ment to kill demons that are possessing someone or purify the evil in ones' heart. Ether way, Alexander should get a reaction out of Venom.