I feel like shit. I feel worthless, hopeless and useless.
I'm not used to feeling like this and at the same time I'm all too used to feeling like this. I can handle physical pain, I can cope with not running as fast as other people, not being as strong as other people. That's fine. That's never been what I was good at.
But now? The one thing I used to rely on, the thing that kept me going, the one thing I was proud of about myself, is what's killing me inside.
Being a logical person with an irrational mind is hell. I expect a lot from myself, and yet I expect to acheive nothing. I hold myself to a set of standards that I know are currently out of my reach. When I start shaking at the thought of going into work, my brain tells me that there's nothing to be afraid of and why are you being so pathetic? When I lose my motivation, when I lose all interest in anything and just sit there staring into space, my brain tells me all the stuff I should be doing.
And so, when I fail, I never let myself down. After all, success isn't something that I deserve. In spite of failure being what everyone should expect from me, I still let everyone around me down. I look at myself through others eyes but it's all tainted with this irrational bullshit. And so I always wait for the moment when they give up on me like I've given up on myself. Every conversation, every meeting - it's the one in which they finally have enough.
I want to get better. I just don't know if I deserve to.