RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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My desk is not a dumping ground! I'm so tired of being in charge of ONE LITTLE THING for a project and then suddenly getting EVERY FUCKING QUESTION about said project sent to me. Oh it needs a programmer? gets sent to me. This is why I keep having break downs at work. This is why my brain shuts off at 2 pm. that and the fact I'm being pushed too much and don't actually take a 30 mintue break until the END of the day.
 
I just did some SCIENCE and the FINDINGS OF MY EXPERIMENT have led me to the CONCLUSION that my turntable is probably in need of repairs. >_> (Which is... something I suspected for a while. But at least now I have more concrete evidence that it's not performing as well as it should.)

Aaaand... something tells me it's going to be cheaper to just buy a whole new one.

Not exactly cheap to begin with, just... cheaper.
 
I miss the sunlight.

I miss seeing the lush, green grass.

I miss not having to lay in bed with constantly Yo-Yoing health and being able to eat more than a bowl of soup or two a day.

And I miss when you were actually PREPARED for exams because you could sit in lecture and go home and study instead of laying in bed sick all day.

The winter has sucked for me so far. It sucked in December, it wasn't even all that good in January when school was out and the darn snow made me crash my car, and now its the probably the worst winters I've ever experienced. 7 inches of unrelenting snow, negative temperatures and the worst winds I've experienced in some time all contribute to this morning's terrible feeling. I could weather all of it if I at least just had the sun.
 
People are frustrating. Why can't I just work with computers and not interact with clients? *sighs* at least I'm good at being polite even when I want to scream at people. And it's good I've got stress relief bubble bath. And sleep bubble bath......or just bubble bath in general.
 
in my 'learning how to transition' journey, one thing I have learned stands out from all the others -

dear god I cannot stand 90% of the 'trans community'
please take me back to reality where people do not froth from the mouth and sling accusations of internalized bigotry when you make a simple grammatical error
 
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... did my circumstances make me, or was I always going to be what I am...

But hey, at least my taxes are free... wooo...
 
I'm changing my routine this week and now I'm dying of anxiety because of it. How do other people manage to just trudge ahead? I just get this big ball of "what ifs" before I can even think about it. I suspect I'm going to have rough nights until I can go back to my normal scheduling on...Sunday. When I list out the things bothering me out loud I'm pretty sure I sound like an idiot because they are not bad things. They are all good things and that makes me worry almost as much as if they are bad things. What. If. The mentality is my bane and I can't stop my brain from leaping there. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

I might just go to my bed and shake under my blankets until I pass out.

I think it's because I'm doing 3 big things this week. It's killing me. I feel overloaded.
 
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Every time I think that I'm over it... I realize just how much I'm not over it. *headdesk*
 
it is just too hard
 
I want to ask for some blunt/rude awakening advice but I'm not sure if I can handle the response or if I'd even take the advice if I didn't like what I heard.

._.

unrelated:
Kind of hard to talk things out if you can't talk about those things.
 
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Not so much a rant as it is a...statement? But man, don't you just hate when you feel a certain way but there's just something inside that just won't let you speak about it? Maybe its fear of opening up, fear of being ridiculed, or you're just afraid its all in your head and, by mentioning things, you'll just make it worse.

It's easy to open up and share positive emotions, but when you're feeling negative ones, especially ones you aren't used to feeling/make you feel silly for feeling them. Just another obstacle I gotta overcome I guess >:u
 
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So, y'know, I mock people all the time for being overachievers and setting impossibly high standards for themselves or by others. Then again, I do that to myself, so am I deflecting or just jealous that I can't be like them and actually bring myself to meet those standards? Fuck if I know, but after a supposed anxiety attack while on the toilet, I think I should be thinking about that for a while.
 
My mom's boss has been pressuring her to carry lately. Maybe it would be a possibility if there was gun crime but there really isn't. We gave up the guns when we moved to town. Her boss is also one of those people who has a gun without knowing how to use one(thank the state for not requiring classes!). When she first got it she was flashing it around at work, without knowledge she had the safety off. My farmer upbringing makes me shake my head. She was gonna accidentally shoot herself or someone else and she thinks herself the superior just for owning one. Learn your goddamn tool!

Then there's my friends thinking I'm in a relationship when I'm not. They get this stupid grin on their faces when they see me. Yes we had a night out but it was only the friendly sort. I can't speak for the other but I have no interest in a deeper relationship.
 
I'm a lost fucking cause, and I have no one to blame but myself.
 
I really am a goddamn trophy wife.
 
My boyfriend of almost 2 years that I love with is really stressed out about his work and I tend to be the type of person that bring up issues I have when I feel them. So, if I think my partner isn't communicating their thoughts to me I want the cards on the table and I will discuss with them why that is. He has now shared with me that these discussions add to his stress and I realized that I probably speak more about problems in the relationship and in general than positive things so I will try to work on that.

However, I want to know what more I can do to alleviate his stress. He doesn't want to quit his job but I think he might have some issues letting work go when he comes home so the stress of work follow him. Since he has had heart troubles and once went to the night-time E.R. due to unexplained palpitation due to stress. I just want to help him in some way.

I already discussed with him that I would start saying things he did good more, so it would be more good than bad so that when I bring the worse things up it doesn't feel so harrowing. I'm just asking for more tips because while this is my first serious relationship I love him and I want it to last. (So please no "yeah but the first relationship never lasts" because that's not what I'm here for.)

Thanks in advance for anything i guess :)
 
Been feeling a lot of guilt lately. Even down to what video games I play. It's a horrible cycle. I do one thing but am thinking about the other and in the end I am not happy with the results.
 
Been super emo the past few days
I know it's probably temporary
but I have no reason to be emo
yet I've been researching things
so it's worrying

luckily I have a therapist appointment coming up this friday I guess
 
Being put in the middle of something that has absolutely nothing to do with me through the sheer amount of bitching and venting that came into my texts and discord PMs is absolute bullshit. What's more bullshit is trying to help people and being told, basically, I'M RIGHT AND THEY'RE WRONG. Grow the fuck up. I am so tired. This has been going on since Friday and silently, two weeks before that. You're all too damn old to be acting like such babies.

Solve your own problems, you fucking jerks >:[
 
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