RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I've made my contribution to science by being the first tick bite report of the year.

Yaaaay /s

I wasn't outside.
It's still winter.
Who knows how long it was there??
Body broke while trying to remove it which is why I had to go to the doctor to get the head removed.
Also 200mg doxycycline.

Let's hope I don't get lyme disease I guess.
 
I ran into a not close relative today. One of those relative who are hard to please. I'm sick of having the same conversation with them so I just bit the bullet and lied to shorten the conversation.

Relative: Where you working?
Me: I'm not.
Relative: *goes into long monologue about work*
Me: *is just happy I don't have to say anything else*
Relative: *leaves in a huff*
Me: :)
 
i've been feeling extremely shitty lately, mentally nor physically am i up to par lmfao. my hair is literally beginning to fall out due to the excessive levels of stress and most people seem to think anxiety and stress can just like, magically fucking disappear and you're a-okay.
 
Guess who has the bulls eye rash now?

This guy.

Sighs

Looks like that bad luck for 2018 is still going strong
 
Things went mostly as I expected, they did, and it wasn't as if I was rejected, but god, could you please say something? Anything. I mean, we have interacted like nothing happened since then, but it is just there, in the air, choking me. A not insignificant part of me just wants to say 'just kidding!' because I can't handle this. What the fuck did I do? Jesus. Jesus Christ. This was a bad idea. Did you tell dad? Please fucking tell me you did not tell dad.

This anxiety is eating me from the inside
 
I mean, contrary to how fucking much I've bitched about this online for the past 6 months, I don't even like talking about this. I don't even like acknowledging it. I just want to be a man. I want to get to the point where I never have to talk about it ever again. I hate talking about it! I hate people knowing! I hate the fact that this is going to be so fucking awkward for the next god knows how long! I hate it!

Just kill me. Jesus Christ
 
I'm struggling to find a work/life/school balance right now. *sighs*
 
Honestly, I'm done with Panera Bread. I'm so tired of being a cashier and taking people's orders. I want excitement, I want adventure!
 
=_= Why is my whole body so aaaaacheyyyy....?
 
That moment when you're anxiously watching the shipping updates for a Very Important Package and you see that the package is now in Rochester when it was in Syracuse earlier today and that means it's moving in the opposite direction that it should be and no no why are you going to Rochester I need you to ship to here

I wish I could get some sort of confirmation from USPS as to what the shipping address on this thing is but I can't seem to figure out how.
 
Executive dysfunction is one hell of a bitch.
 
I feel like hot fucking trash. Constantly. My ability to handle even the slightest of inconveniences or misfortunes has gone out the window. Everything just makes me want to sleep forever or defenestrate myself.

How do I opt out of my own consciousness
 
I tried to reevaluate myself after my spell of guilt. I started to do things how I wanted to do them, but in doing so I limited my time with people. It felt good, but was it the right step to take? I feel like they might think I'm mad at them when I'm not. I'm just managing my time differently so everything is less overwhelming to me. -sigh-
 
"Accuweather" ? More like "Never accurate weather"
What a joke.

I wonder if they're more or less accurate than other services, but I don't know what other services to try D:
 
Mobile app for local newspaper is down but apparently there was a school shooting in a neighboring town. I haven't heard of any deaths but they did cancel school for the day. Hopefully no one was hurt. I mean I always expect these things to happen in big cities, not around here. Then again mental illness is not treated very seriously here. Years back when my friend brought up his problems to the counselor he was told he was making it up for attention. Yeah...no, that's not how that works or how it should be handled. There was also a murder a few years back that had a ton of warning signs before it happened yet no one called the police until it was too late. It still hurts, she was an amazing woman. Treasure your loved ones while you still have them.
 
Not too good at articulating the jumbled thoughts in my head so I think I'll link a video that captures what I've been thinking about.


I honestly don't know how to share what I call my life with anyone. Don't know if I'm too selfish, unable to open myself up, too afraid, or anything of that sort. Am I okay with being okay with being alone? So eager to make fragments of memories with anyone who is willing, collecting the shards of feelings and sensations to compose a mosaic capturing a moment, only to abandon the co-creators by retreating back into solitude. There would be less mutual pain if I could just stop myself from getting carried away by the whims of emotions that ebbs and flow like high tides. I don't want to continue to be an emotional dead end, but I don't know how not to be that.
 
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The shooter killed a lady neighboring the school then was apprehended before more damage was done. It's that bitter sweet relief. I hope nothing happens here. I have nieces and nephews in school.

On a completely different and less serious note. Fuck that goddamn team I was playing with in Overwatch. They bailed on a fucking ten minute game mode because they couldn't be bothered to do anything besides get caught and baby rage. Like bro if you can't take a loss don't queue up and waste everyone's time. It's like going to a basketball court and bailing on your team after the opponent scores one. And because the game mode is so short, by the time the backfill loaded in everything was done. It's literally just 10 minutes. You don't have to be mechanically good to play this mode, abilities are not required. You just have to play smart. And yeah, there's always the possibility of losing. Risk/reward makes games fun.
 
The road I take to D&D was flooded over and everything around it (closeby anyways) was nothing but really crappy dirt roads. My car isn't built for being off of pavement. So that ruined my weekend. *sighs* guess that's what I get for being excited about doing anything.
 
I feel like shit. I feel worthless, hopeless and useless.

I'm not used to feeling like this and at the same time I'm all too used to feeling like this. I can handle physical pain, I can cope with not running as fast as other people, not being as strong as other people. That's fine. That's never been what I was good at.

But now? The one thing I used to rely on, the thing that kept me going, the one thing I was proud of about myself, is what's killing me inside.

Being a logical person with an irrational mind is hell. I expect a lot from myself, and yet I expect to acheive nothing. I hold myself to a set of standards that I know are currently out of my reach. When I start shaking at the thought of going into work, my brain tells me that there's nothing to be afraid of and why are you being so pathetic? When I lose my motivation, when I lose all interest in anything and just sit there staring into space, my brain tells me all the stuff I should be doing.

And so, when I fail, I never let myself down. After all, success isn't something that I deserve. In spite of failure being what everyone should expect from me, I still let everyone around me down. I look at myself through others eyes but it's all tainted with this irrational bullshit. And so I always wait for the moment when they give up on me like I've given up on myself. Every conversation, every meeting - it's the one in which they finally have enough.

I want to get better. I just don't know if I deserve to.
 
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