Boss sent me home early since I'm sick... physically. I feel like a criminal.
...
I tried. I really did. I... maybe it wasn't the best shot, not by a mile, but it was my best shot.
I've tried so many different ways. Being angry didn't work. Closing off didn't work. God didn't work. Fantasy didn't work. Lying to myself didn't work. Nothing has changed, it's never gotten better.
Would medication really have helped? If it would, why was I born so pathetic? If it wouldn't... this is completely my doing. What have I missed that everyone else picked up on so easily?
I had a chance to just quietly go by. There would've been some dignity in that. But. I can't just ignore other people, it isn't that easy. Definitely should have, though...
You know what. No. I don't want a psychiatrist. I already know I'm as mentally sick as it gets, way too many people have confirmed it. No need wasting money on a doctor to find that out. And I don't want any medicine either, I don't care. I'm sick, I was born wrong. This is factual. But I'm also sick of people saying otherwise. It's not that I have no self worth, I'm just legitimately an evil person. I'm selfish, I hurt people, and I can't be bothered to offer anything good to the world.
I'm only posting this now because I'm a narcissist as well. I'm such scum. Hating me is an act of virtue. I should be banned.