I love everyone in my family, probably not equally but I love them regardless.
However, I'm the middle child in a family with 4 children. I'm the second oldest and I had to grow up so fast. It's not like my parents were terrible or something horrible happened to me over the years, it's not that. More likely, it's the things that bother me about my older sister.
There are some key reasons for this that I know will seem selfish but please, if you are reading don't judge me too harshly.
* My older sister was depressed for a prolonged time in her teens, it was deep and dark.
* She despises my mother due to the fact that our mother did use violence sometimes in our younger years and was overall fairly controlling.
* She complains and whines about things but doesn't seem to do anything about them.
* She never stepped up.
* I've always been compared to her.
* She's been the favorite.
I will go through them one by one to get this off my chest.
My sister got depressed when I was about 9-10, she would've been 13-14. And I had no real friends, my sister decided that I was a liability in her new life as a teen and stopped hanging out with me. She started fighting with my mom and dad, causing distress to both my autistic younger brother and my toddler little sister. So, my parents got torn between caring for my older sister and my younger siblings. I didn't do bad in school nor was I really a black sheep in any way, so my parents didn't have time for me. My sister also got wrongly diagnosed with ADHD during this time and she also ran away once on my birthday due to some events that I'd rather not go into. It was a terribly time for my sister and it went on through her high school years as well. And I didn't say a word, I never told my parents, I just shut up and took care of my younger siblings. Which, in hindsight, was probably not what I should've done. Regardless, this reason isn't really one that bothers me too much. It was more or less the beginning.
Our mother, for a very, very long time, was on the brink of stress-induced depression. This resulted in that when we were young she didn't know what to do with her feisty children. So sometimes, she used violence. My older sister remembers more of this when I do which I think is why she doesn't want to forgive and I understand. What I don't want is to hear about it every time she wants to talk about our mom with me. She knows my stance on the subject and I don't feel like my sister needs to forgive our mother if she doesn't want to. It just hurts to have to be the one to hear it all the time. My mother went through her own life-changing horrid depression right alongside my own depression. My older sister doesn't seem to have any sympathy to our mother which could be expected but I don't see why. This is more or less just adding another layer of stress on me whenever I am with my sister.
Quicker point: She whines and complains but she never does anything about it, she expects everyone else to have the answer for her. Like she's still a child when she recently became 23. If you give her a solution she doesn't like, she dismisses it.
She never stepped up as in: I had to stay home every night, every weekend, some sick days for my younger brother and sister while I was still just a kid because she was out with her friends, she was partying, she was living her own life. She brought home her new boyfriends even though it freaked our younger brother out because she brought so many and if she was home to help she shut herself in her room and only came out to undermine me when our little sister didn't get her way. She wasn't there when our brother got pissed and turned to the physical, she wasn't there unless he screamed to loudly. That probably pisses me of the most because she has never apologized for this. At most she has said that she was "sorry that mom and dad put so much on you" but I suppose she missed the time I told her that taking care of my younger siblings was the only thing keeping me from even thinking about suicide because I knew that if I was gone she wouldn't do anything. Her response to that was that she'd try and then it was back to normal, she went out, I stayed home.
The last two points go into eachother, but I was always the school-smart one and she was the street-smart one and I got praised for school but she got praised for... pretty much everything else. Being school-smart also never got me anything but my parents saying "yes, but I know you can do better" on assignments with mediocre grades I had experienced panic attacks about and an unenthusiastic "well done, sweetie" if I actually got an A. However, when my older sister got C's they were put on display and I know it is unfair of me but it hurt. The favorite thing is actually more from my paternal grandmother who, to this day but not as much, still gives my sister anything she points at (including my younger sister now) but I had to argue my way into getting gifted anything. A few years back I wanted a new computer for christmas and I got it because my paternal grandfather just went behind her back and gave it to me anyway but my older sister got a more expensive computer just because the old one they gave her broke. My grandmother has "come around" and while I guess I should try to use my paternal grandparents wealth to get what I want now that I can I don't want to, because that's what my older sister does and has always done and I... I guess I just don't want to be like my sister anymore.
It shall be noted, if you made it this far, I don't go around being plauged by this every single day except with my anxiety about how my family is doing now that I've moved in with my wonderful boyfriend. I don't really dislike my sister and I've talked to her about all of this several times before. She's well aware of my opinions and I'm aware of hers but I learnt of my 19 years alive that you can love and respect family even though you do not necesserily have to support them in everything. I love my older sister and I love the person I am because of my experiences (except maybe the anxiety) but I needed to tell this to someone that would maybe just listen instead of trying to argue against me as my family tends to do. I've always just tried to portect my family to the point of placing them and my friends in front of my, my well-being and my mental health and I need to start focusing on me too. This is a small step to doing so.
Thank you for your time, I hope you have a great day.
