It's been a while since I've been on here. Feels weird...
So. For the long and short of it, the last year and a half have been... hell. Interrupted by delusional dreams. I now have a loving boyfriend, but I've become kinda... bitter, scarred, and fucked up.
A year and a half ago my head was so twisted up around in my own ass. I was with a man I knew I needed to leave, but I was too afraid to. He neglected me emotionally and romantically, and I was basically a casual roommate he fucked. I made a huge fuck up. I fell in love with my friend... who was my friend's boyfriend. She was emotionally abusive to me and basically kept me around for my bad days so she could lord over me. Her boyfriend however got along with me... In short. I was a goddamned fucking idiot.
No two ways about it.
I self-harmed when stressed a lot and one night I kinda came to while taking a bath to realized I had scratched my skin on my arm down a few layers, and there was a disturbing amount of blood. I woke my at the time boyfriend, and he was awake long enough to glance at me, then rolled over. I cleaned my arm, then cried to friend's boyfriend, who was sympathetic. Next night I was drunk and high... and... I did things I regret. I fucked up. Again. He had me twisted around his finger at that point. I had ATTENTION. Someone CARED. Yeah I was fucked in the goddamned head. Boyfriend found out, bugged my phone, became passive aggressive but continued to want to make it work. I didn't know what to say or do. So I continued to be an idiot. I followed the friend's boyfriend, now referred to a "T" henceforth, down the rabbit hole. For a few months that lasted into a wedding of my best friend who knew what was going on, everything was under wraps. Friends who knew encouraged me to just leave my boyfriend and get away from T. I couldn't.
Because he talked to me the way he knew I wanted to be talked to. We'd been friends for four years, he knew a hell of a lot of secrets about me, and that night I got high, I slipped up and admitted I had a crush on him. Apparently that's all he needed to use all that information to use all that information to get what he wanted. A fuck buddy. Every time I brought up my regrets and how I felt bad about the cloak and dagger, he shot it down. "Didn't I love him","It's ok, he doesn't get you, he doesn't care enough. If he cared, he would have really woken up that night when you were screaming pouring rubbing alcohol over that wound", "If you tell him too soon that you're leaving him, we're done.", "You're the most beautiful person I know, I can't believe you've been right under my nose this whole time.", "I feel like fate brought us together."
In December, last year, I finally snapped. I found out my boyfriend bugged my phone through a series of "How did you know that?" incidents. I broke up with him. T guilt-tripped me, yelled at me, berated me, told me I needed to go home to my boyfriend and convince him I was just confused.
I couldn't. I went home to my parents.
T came out to his girlfriend. Blamed me. Said I seduced him. That I was nothing. To me, he told me that she was too stubborn to let go. He didn't have the heart to force her. The relationship would go up in flames, just wait, he'd muse.
I was fucked up, lonely, I'd walked away from an entire social circle that had become my life in the past 5 years. I was out of my mind with guilt and anxiety and isolation.
I kept going back to him. I couldn't stay away. "It'll be over soon, then we can be together", "This would have been easier if you followed the plan.", "Don't argue with me, I love you, but you're being fucking stupid.", "She's nothing compared to you, I love you, I'm just here until I can break it to her gently", "I feel like I have known you my whole life, I don't want to loose that"
It was like poison in my goddamned veins. "Where are you right now?" "I bet you're with him, since I'm still with her." "If you're not with him, prove it, take a picture of yourself and your surroundings" "If you wanted to sleep more, you shouldn't have argued with me so much last night" "Take a picture of a clock right now" "I bet you wish you were back with him" "You're just like my cheating ex" "You cheated on him with me, so why wouldn't I believe you would do the same to me?"
I finally got him to myself, and for a month... I thought things were ok... And then the next month I knew something was wrong... And then I found out he was two timing me and his ex. I left him. He threatened to commit suicide. I called his best friend to go to him. I tried to become friend with his ex... what used to be my friend... put a pin in that, it's important.
I lived with a couple who were interested in me as a third. They knew my baggage. They wanted to help.
It didn't take long for loneliness to seep in and I finally caved. I thought I loved them. I was around for three months while they reveled in the fact that they had a new toy to play with. but I was a secret. I was a "Friend". Some knew. Some didn't. I eventually got sick of the fact that they said they loved me but it was a hierarchy and I was always the scapegoat and wipping child for their relationship problems. I talked about the possibilty of maybe this not working out. They kicked me out while my parents were on vacation.... and they had health problems made worse by stress. So I couch-hopped while they were in the dark about it. "Yeah mom, I'm fine. I'm going to classes." During the nights I was thankful if a friend let me sleep on their couch two nights in a row.
I got assaulted during all of this. And in a haze... I called my ex. the one who bugged my phone. the one who I was with for 5 years. the one who tried so hard to keep me. I had told him I really wasn't in a good place, and I was emotional. I know how I am. I told him if I was a stupid idiot and came onto him while I was spending the night, I was emotionally fucked up, pay it no mind, Turn me down. I needed a place to sleep. I was spinning out. I knew I had a chance of being stupid.
I woke up in his bed the next morning, while he was brushing his teeth and getting ready for work, I was battling a hangover and feeling wetness between my thighs and crying internally. He already had a girl he was interested in. He already had someone he was sleeping with. He saw no problem in it. "We just had a lot of relationship to still work through, it's ok." This was wrong. I was fucking up. Again. I pulled clothes on. went to school. "Yeah, mom, I'm fine. Everything's great back home. You enjoying your trip?"
I fell apart in my professor's office. I wanted to give up. I was tired. I felt like a slut. He told me to keep going. I'd be crossing the stage next month. Just hold out.
Parents come home a few days later. I try to keep a lid on things, and finally I spill out. Parents don't know how to deal. Depression and anxiety hit hard. the hangovers every morning taste like regret. The headaches seemed to beat into my head. "You're worthless, you're a slut, you're shit, you fucked up, you're nothing, you'll never change"
I get a message while crying one night, an acquaintance asked me to join him at the bar with a friend for a drink. I tell him I need to stop crying and I didn't want to bring down the attitude of the night. He told me to dry my cheeks and come on down.
I drank, And the next morning I woke up in his bed, naked... but... he was clothed, watching me.
"You tried to take my pants off... with your teeth."
Tried?
"It's not right to sleep with a girl that's drunk... even if you weren't... you were emotionally out of it..."
That's new.
"How are you feeling now?"
Well he cares and he's the first guy to turn my ass down when I'm not in my right mind. We became friends. Friends with benefits. I told him about starting again somewhere new. It kept him from getting too close.
I told him of my troubles. He wasn't scared off. Eventually that girl that my ex was seeing, poked her head into my life, asked if I slept with him. I answered honestly.... They had already been serious at that time. I told her everything. She said I seduced him, I was the problem. I didn't take responsibility. She wanted the last of my stuff out of his apartment. I told her I was trying to figure out plans for that already. My new friend kept me calm in this, his arms becoming a safe nest to cuddle into when my self-hate burned too hot.
One morning my old friend, who was two timed with me... finally aired her complaints on facebook. She had known I was trouble. threw shade. I felt numb. I had wanted to fix things. I wanted to fix things. I really did....
Then I was angry.
I grabbed my shit from my ex's to which, it apparently took eight of what used to be friends and family, to take two items that I couldn't carry in my own car, home. I called my friend to help keep the scene calm. My ex and him sized each other up. MY ex squeaked at him. They dropped off the stuff and left, bitching about me on facebook.
I cried.
I realized I loved this man I was with... I didn't know how to deal with that. I didn't know how he felt about me. We liked fucking. You can fuck someone you don't really like. I'd seen enough that year to prove it.
I was terrified.
He knew about it.
He knew I liked him and it scared me. He knew that I was afraid that if I got too close he could hurt me or I could hurt him. I couldn't handle that. months went by.
I disassociated. I spent my days stressed and sometimes, I'd blink and suddenly be at trails twenty minutes from my class. Disassociative amnesia. Great. Suddenly trails I knew better than anyone felt cold and terrifying. I called him. He found me. It should have taken me ten minutes to get back to the parking, but I was shivering and cold as I walked out right when he rolled up. it had been forty minutes. I was disoriented and confused and scared... he took me back to his place, and warmed me up. talked to me until I was calm again.
Parents didn't know what to do with me, family was already full to breaking with stress. I needed support. My friend called me his girlfriend when he picked me up from the trails. I cried. It was the first time he said that. I felt small and transient in his arms.
I felt safe with him. But I felt uncomfortable at a home space. My two weeks couch hopping and assault made me uncomfortable in a house or apartment. home had four wheels. Home was the highway. home was a journey.
more months went by. My friend's brother was suddenly moving out. She needed people to move in. I signed on... with my new boyfriend. Suddenly she's telling me what she doesn't want to see at the apartment. that she'll be throwing parties. That she doesn't want me at.
My stomach turns.
does she really want me there?
I feel vomit in my throat.
Is this really a home?
My boyfriend's saying he'll talk to her. That this isn't right that she's talking to me like that when she's one of my oldest friends.
Am I safe?
Take a klonopin. Breathe.
My thoughts are racing. She said her friends don't like me. What impact will that have? Am I just more money to help pay the bills? I thought we were close friends.
Almost take another klonopin, not thinking.
Try to focus, We are moving in two days. It's just a year
I can do that.
She's been my friend for 10+ years.
I'll be fine.
One month since I last disassociated seriously, I think, I'll be fine. I have a man in my life who cares, I'll be fine. I have new friends who care about my well being, I'll be fine. My parents have no clue what to do with me and they really don't want to hear anything bad about my life, I think they'd rather be friends than parents, I'll be fine. My brother's an example of everything in my life I DON'T want to be, and I'm wishing he lived further away, I'll be fine. I wish I knew how to shut nightmares off so I could sleep well, I'll be fine. I still think of the way T looked at me and ran his fingers over my body- BLINK- it's the assault happening, turn your mind off and stop thinking of that this instant, I'll be fine. I still think of the way my ex boyfriend looked like he was sizing up my current one, with his new girlfriend in the car, like he was trying to think of a way to talk me out of this on my parents lawn, I'll be fine. I hate myself and wish I was a better person, I'll be fine. Thank current boyfriend for completely normal little things that no one'se ever done for me... I wish he wouldn't look at me that way and remind me that he's not doing anything special...That's the way I am supposed to be treated... so why hasn't anyone else treated me that way? I'll be fine.
Think about the fact that I have a tattoo on my arm of my friend who lost his fight with depression, anxiety, bipolar, and schizophrenia... He was the brother I wish I had all along. And now I know that one of his friends blames me for his suicide.
Choke on that.
Breathe.
I'll be fine.
Notice how I'm not used to men not using me for a sexual outlet every chance I get. I am confused by my boyfriend's lack of sexual need of me in comparison to past boyfriends. Think it's about me. Something's wrong. He views it as his fault. When I get confused and cry, he feels like he failed me. He didn't. He hugs me and tells me he's just happy to cuddle with me... I spend all my time with him. I know he's not cheating. I know he cares.
Face the fact that I have a shit ton of baggage including abuse, rape, manipulation, being drugged. I can't act normal. I can't act fine....
Accept the fact that I don't know what "fine is". Chase it down with scotch. I feel numb inside like shit's been rotting and dead inside me for years... chase that down with scotch, too. Realize I really don't know how to deal with my emotions.
Wake up the next morning.
I'm fine.
