RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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The main takeaway from the events of the past couple days is that I should just stop thinking about ANYTHING. Stop letting myself overthink. Stop thinking about the advice of other people. And stop even listening to anyone's advice.

The main takeaway from recent events is that the only way to truly be happy is to just STOP CARING ABOUT ANYTHING. If I care about my schoolwork, just a little, I'm a perfectionist. If I care about introspection, I'm overthinking things. If I care about recovery, then I'm NOT EVEN READY FOR RECOVERY.

And if something has hurt me to the point where I'm still thinking about it months later?? Then obviously I'm fucking obsessed. And the only way to move on is to not care.

So fine then!! I guess that's the main thing I have to work on, then. To just NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT AAAANYTHING.
 
Turns out I have an upper respiratory infection. Juuuuuuust like exactly a year ago.
Same Urgent Care Physician as that time as well, of all people.
Have to take 4 different types of pills, and use an inhaler for the week.
Starting off 2018 with a bang.
 
I swear I'm at my wits end with my job. I am getting everything shoveled on MY desk regardless of if it's an area I work on or not. I'm being pulled in so many directions and having so many fucking breakdowns that I can't even relax! I turn on my tablet to relax before bed and I've got 3 new fucking requests! And the worst part is, no one fucking cares if I feel stressed. The boss ONLY cares about productivity. No one cares about me as a person. The only friends I have that give half a shit are online and half the time I can't talk to them because If I say anything they're not going to want to be my friend anymore. So here I sit, trying to get some sleep after a long night the other night and I'm just breaking down into tears because I know no one gives a shit.
 
I don't know why I'm so drained today. All I've wanted to do since I got out of bed this morning is go to sleep. It's either my sugar is higher than my glucometer is reading it as, or my anti-depressants kicked out on me again, or both. Either way, I've got a month until I see the doctor and I don't know if I can take another day of feeling like this.
 
I hate being played as a fool. Not sure what else to say, just needed to say it.
 
I'm sick. So maybe I should actually sleep at a proper time for once. But I took an accidental nap with the cat and now I can't sleep ._.
 
TODAY'S MOOD IS: anxiety and self-doubt
 
Fuck this weather, fuck stupid drivers, fuck left turns not done at a 4 way stop or a light.......and thank god everything's okay. Luna went off the road today because of a little fucker turning left.
 
Person didn't completely read my thread but I've seen their writing and like it, so I guess I'll take the reins a little. :P
 
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Work more than 40hrs a week, get yelled at for not being home. Work less than 40hrs, get yelled at for not working. Work in general, get yelled at I don't have a real job.

My shift goes into the night. Is it really so bad I sleep past 9 in the morning? And then whenever I do get dead morning shifts, it's out of nowhere and right after working til 10pm. That's five hours of sleep at best. But it's never the best case scenario. Especially when my shift relieve is always late. And it takes 10-20 minuets to close down. So that's great.

Not to mention when I'm not working I'm preparing for a move so I don't really have time for anything except to mess around on Discord during transits.

The occasional days I have off, I'm just so tired. Nothing productive happens. On the plus side, I've been feeling a little more confident about certain things. But how am I supposed to distinguish confidence from being a jerk?

Was planning to build up some money and travel but I don't see myself as able to do anything or as being wanted. Maybe I'll just give it away and find a place in the woods to sleep...
 
My parents are Upset™ and I am Uncomfortable™
 
Well, I learned a Valuable Lesson about not installing unstable software tonight. @.@
I'm just thankful that nothing messed up worse than a line of broken pixels, and a bit disappointed in myself for not heeding safety warnings. Oh well.
 
I wish I had some hint of self-confidence... I wish I held some iota of self value for myself. I've never had anyone really tell me I'm not good enough over all these long years. I simply do it to myself and as I grow older I do it more and more... I suppose I could try to blame it on various moments over the years that have built up. I don't know...

Maybe if I wasn't like this I wouldn't be constantly causing damage to a friendship I treasure so damned much with someone I absolutely adore... One of these days they will just end up telling me to fuck off and I will deserve it... Or I will drive myself into just leaving because I make myself feel like I don't belong and that I'm just a nuisance that's trying to seek attention...

Maybe if I wasn't like this I wouldn't constantly feel like I am somehow failing every one around me... Always wrestling with this feeling that I will fail them in the end... I have nothing of value to really offer anyone... How did I let myself get like this? Fuck I wish I had more mundane things to rant about here... I'm so unbelievably tired right now.
 
My legs feel so... stiff. I feel like I've been sitting in a car for the past three hours, and now have a desperate need to stretch my legs.

But I haven't been sitting still for three hours. I've actually done a decent amount of walking, and have stretched my legs plenty. Why do I still feel so stiff? >.>
 
*sighs* every time I think I'm going to get a breath of air they shovel more shit on top of me....It's cute that they ask "do you have time for this?" when I can't refuse. Nice try boss. Let's face it.....They're gonna keep on until I break, then toss me aside and replace me.
 
I'm feeling quite unlike myself.

Quite unlike myself.

Like... Like a pillar holding me up has been knocked down, and now every other part is straining a bit more.

I need to find a way to build it back up. I'm not quite the person I'd like to be... But I rather liked that pillar, and I'm worried I won't be able to put it back up the way it was.

I'll have to think on it more. At least posting here is cathartic.
 
FVNISO.gif
Me
Pretty much all the time, now, I guess.

Unrelated:
[spoili]
A really stupid, throwaway comment is making me feel awful, over something I thought I was over, but apparently I'm not, and now I hate myself.
Great[/spoili]
 
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This case is proof that the justice system is broken and slanted in favor of the rich. How can we say "Land of the free" without appropriate reforms? Then again I live in a city where multiple judges were practicing without any required credentials. fml
 
I'm glad I only have 4 neighbors because if the level of drama in my life was any higher I think I'd stab somebody.
I don't care what you did. I don't care who you bugged.
I'm not a part of any of your years-long beefs with anybody, and I don't want to play this "can't get money out of X, Y hates me" shit.

I mean, it's not enough to make me regret living here, on a private road, with no HOA or right of way, where apparently nobody wants to help pay for anything or cooperate.
But.
You guys have been managing to pull off plowing and salting it when nobody lived in this house for two years, so why don't you continue to bicker amongst yourselves and then plop an invoice in my mailbox and leave me the fuck out of it.

ok thanks
 
[spoili]Today has been a Mucho Sucky day at work. >:(

Funnily enough, it wasn't even the kids who were naughty... they're actually good.

But management... seriously... how do you expect me to do things right when none of the equipment works well?!? @_________@[/spoili]
 
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