RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I'm fairly certain I'm going to wish I was in a coma on Friday so I wouldn't have to get out of bed.
 
My mom is so friggin' annoying when she's drunk. I wish she'd understand SHE isn't the reason we're usually competing with each other....most of the time. I'm just so sick of it. She just doesn't understand.
 
Seriously? So y'all let me pay a one thousand dollar bill and then didn't activate my insurance? Would me paying the bill not indicate that I'd like some fucking health care????? I have to find out through my hospital that I don't have insurance. Where did my money go? Who has it? Why should I have to pay a specialist over one hundred dollars just to see him? I made this appointment with the intention of paying my regular copay and getting what I needed. I don't have this kind of money. Fucking assholes. I'm going to cry.
 
I sure do love how quickly my anxiety creeps up on me again the second there's no longer a screen in front of my face to distract me.
 
Feeding the lovebird, macaw, and sun conures is usually not an issue. Apparently the male conure decided that he was pissed off at not getting fed on time, since mom had me feed them around noon =D

Soooo, he bit the ever living shit out of my right index finger. =3
It bled on one side, it's bruised on the other, and it hurts like hell. I decided that it didn't need a bandage, since it's a small cut. It can't bleed for too long, right?

3 hours later and it's still slowly oozing blood :<
So I finally put a bandaid on it (since we just got home from errands) and I'm kind of peeved. This is going to severely slow down my reply speed to things :/

It's quicker to type one-handed than it is for me to type with an injured finger, since I will keep hitting the keys with it, the take a few extra seconds to curse the pain before continuing :/
Wonderful.

This conure is a little brat as it is, but it's been about four years since he's even considered biting me when I went into the cage for any reason. Sooooo, because of his little stunt, he didn't get bath water today. He can just wait to take a bath, lol.
 
That pizza delivery MORON should be happy I only slammed the door in his face. over 2 hours late, missing a dipping sauce, missing a soda, and it's cold. FUCK THAT COMPANY. I've contacted their corporate office.
 
I really don't want to come across as anti-medication, since taking your meds is defo important and I'm certainly not going to argue that taking advantage of modern medicine is a bad thing, but...

It really is not a good feeling when you've only been out of bed for half an hour and you've consumed more pills than food. And then you're feeling too nauseated to attempt to eat any more food. And then you're debating whether or not some tums will help. Even though it was the fact that you took about a half-dozen different pills for a half-dozen different ailments that created this stomachache in the first place.
 
So, it looks like today is the day for me and the hubby's monthly fight. He woke up on the wrong side of the bed and I was still breathing. No one can ever tell me men don't get PMS.
 
I haven't been feeling myself recently... or perhaps I've come to grow another level of self-awareness, or perhaps I've come to understand myself less. I'm not sure.

A pit in my stomach (one of those nasty but painless ones you get when something greatly disturbing or distressing dawns on you) has opened up and persisted for over a week. (I've never felt one for more thsn an hour before this.) I feel neither sad nor happy, but this pit is constant and some strange instinct is telling me that it will only be quelled by the meeting of some cryptic condition.
What's more, the quite physical pressure in my stomach seemingly heralding this issue makes it many times harder to ignore.
That's all I can type for now, if I went into full detail what it's doing to my very train of thought... I'd not be able to bring myself to post this message due to my natural tendency to keep to myself overpowering my better judgement.

I feel so uncharacteristicly energized and yet have no outlet with which to pour this energy as this knot is waxing and waning in my gut.

There's a lot more I'd like to say, but I can't. Maybe when my phone is charged and my head is clearer.

At the very least, it felt catharic to post this.
 
Boss' house was broken into. Nothing was stolen but thousands of dollars of stuff has been broken. I have no words for this idiocy.
 
It is so hard not to just give into depression and isolate myself totally. I know my friends like me, I know they are there for me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I will annoy them. Some things cannot be changed so easily.

I am quite loathsome, too, in the fact that I complain about being lonely, and being unable to make friends, but I end up ignoring all of the people who try to reach out to me. Very loathsome. It's unintentionally, but intent does not matter in situations like this. Unintentional or not, you're still ignoring someone who took time out of their day to reach out to you, and that is contemptable.

I have no one but myself to blame for my state in this world, but that doesn't make it any less depressing.
 
How did I forget about property taxes.
How did I forget about the discount I applied for wouldn't take effect til 2019.
Why the fuck did I decide to pay for a vacation for myself when that was literally a third of these taxes I have to now pull out of my ass.
Why am I so retarded about money.
I used to be so good.
I used to never have these issues.
I feel like I'm just getting stupider as I get older.
 
I miss Florida. Not the state, and not most of the people. I miss the damn weather! And the beach....

What I wouldn't give to be on a sunny beach somewhere instead of burrowed beneath two blankets and three layers of clothing. ; ;
 
A pounding headache that has continued for hours, paired with a cough that WILL NOT STOP, and hasn't for over a month or two. This time last year I had pretty bad bronchitis on top of a middle ear infection that effected my hearing, balance, and came with horrible headaches that made my cry just from having my eyes open. Im confident that I do not have an infection, but am certain that this amount of coughing isnt normal. But due to starting off 2017 on multiple prescriptions for about a month, and hearing loss a few months after that, I really dont want any more medication

The end of last year was already full of that between being injured at work and then being sick as a dog right after. Both coming with some forms of prescriptions to help me function and bounce back. A lot of days of work missed as a result. Ive never never been as sick as I was last year, never had so many doctors appointments, etc. Don't get be wrong, I am very grateful to be able to visit the doctor when sick because I know that there are countless people in the world who can not. Countless. But I would just really prefer for my body to work normally, or as normally as it once did. I can not catch a break, and its tiring.
 
I've been staving off a panic attack all day. I'm tired and I can feel it coming but I have no idea how to stop it and no one to talk to because I feel super annoying when I get like this. So I guess I'm just going to sit here and wait to cry and then get it over with so I can move on with my life. Hooray for a lack of real coping mechanisms!
 
It sure is great to finally feel like you're on the road to recovery, to finally feel good about yourself for a few days -- only to then finally talk to a therapist, and to leave that therapist appointment feeling so much worse about yourself, and feel like you've just taken a giant step backwards in everything.
 
Every single damn time I update iTunes, it stops reading my fucking phone! I hate Apple. I wouldn't have gotten a stupid iPhone if it wasn't the cheapest one that the damn phone company had. I am sick and tired of having to uninstall iTunes and reinstall it to get it to read my phone whenever there's an update! Bah!!!! Fuck iTunes.
 
[spoili]Well I had a pretty shit morning, I laid in bed for an hour crafting up a lengthy vent post about all of my problems.
I then sat at the computer ready to make those thoughts text and then I found a stupid youtube video and everything kinda didn't matter anymore.

So.

I'm not sure why I posted it here, I still feel kinda shitty about life and stuff, but at least I'm not "spending 2 hours crafting a vent post about how my life sucks and what all my life problems are" shitty.

So I got that going for me, which is nice.[/spoili]
 
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Self care is having imaginary conversations in your head with all your doctors and therapists, ranting to them about how that thing they said during your last appointment has been fucking you up for the past week, and that this sort of thing is the reason why you have no confidence in your judgement or even in your sense of self. Because it's so hard to have any confidence behind your thoughts and beliefs when every professional you've spoken to keeps saying you're a "perfectionist" and you strongly disagree with that assessment -- but if everyone agrees then they must be onto something, right?? And when you think that the advice that a professional is giving you is actually just damaging and really the last thing you want to be hearing -- well obviously you're wrong in thinking that this advice is bad for you because they're the professionals, and a little bit of pain on the path to recovery is normal, and you're just the weak one for not taking the difficult-but-ultimately-more-healthy path, right??
 
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