RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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1. Christmas is over. I'm not ready for it to be over. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore.
2. I didn't get to enjoy it like I was so looking forward to because my asshole body decided it wanted to get sick. So, so sick.
3. I feel discouraged about my art. So, so discouraged. Every time I put a pen to paper (or pen to tablet, as it were) I feel like everything I put out is bad. Like, is it even possible to get worse at art? Is it?
4. I feel stressed out about money. So very stressed. Stressed to the point that my mind just kind of blanks out when I think about it. Nope, not today, Satan (except I do need to think about it; why does everything cost money? Excuse me?)
 
I SURE DO LOVE being both mentally and physically sick at the same time.

Did this pile of tissues next to my bed happen because of me crying from how much I hate myself or blowing my nose nonstop because I have a cold?? Who knowwwws
 
Decided to get my doggo a sweater because he's a Florida boy and he absolutely hates the cold. Went over the sizes and found the size that's supposed to fit labs. Brought it home, and it looked like it should have fit him, but someone shrunk it in the wash, and ended up ripping it when I tried taking it off of him. Whoever decided dog sizes needs to get their freaking eyes examined! Now he's still freezing when I take him out, and I can't even return the damn thing to get him a bigger size
 
ASL is so INFURIATING
[spoili] I've now been at it for a little over a year (self-teaching myself), and I can understand maybe 2% of conversations but my main gripe is fucking fingerspelling. I know how to finger spell. I know all the signs for all the letters. I have a pretty good recognition rate. I thought I had it all down.
But then I start watching Deaf media, and I SWEAR TO GOD THERE ARE SLANG LETTERSIGNS.

And it's like, the fact that those exist doesn't really make me mad, but it's the fact that I have no idea how to learn exactly what they are. There's no page that says "This is what common Deaf-speed letters look like". Instead I'm pausing videos, trying to spell things that don't make sense (is that a loanword/lexicalization? Is it a misspelling? Is it me just completely failing to accurately recognize that letter somehow? I DON'T KNOW!), trying to piece things together with the captions - if there even are captions, and it's just.
Like.
Fingerspelling. REALLY?!

I study so hard, and you'd think the simplest thing, I'd have it. I would have finger spelling. And so there I am, following 2% of whatever media is presented to me, and then the finger spelling. "Oh good! The thing I can 100% understand!"
And then fate just bitchslaps me right in the face is all LOL NAH YOU'RE GONNA GET EVEN MORE LOST NOW, TIME TO FEEL STUPID!!

I tried to take classes at the college- the only one that offered it was 1.5 hours away and they stopped offering it. Like, I enrolled for the program, because it was on the website. And then I got a letter back saying they didn't offer it anymore (and I guess had never updated their website?) fucking disappointing.
I didn't have the time to take classes in Hawaii, but there was a deaf community there. I just psyched myself out of going to deaf coffee so many times because I didn't know ASL well enough.
Then I moved here. And there are no signers here. There's nobody.
And now I have satellite internet, so I can't even skype internet signers.

I like ASL, but with no opportunity to actually fuckign USE IT, I am wondering what is this point?
Should I just give up?
I feel like I should.

Like, I did begin to learn it for a totally dumb, culturally insensitive reason (music videos). But I grew to love it since then so.
But yeah what is the point if I can't legit use it for anything.

Can't see myself signing much while traveling either.

Anyway the whole thing is so frustrating. Just the fingerspelling thing. And if I can't even get fingerspelling then why put in the effort for all the other stuff. I'll just forget it all if I can't use it.
[/spoili]

Related, wtf does "GA" and "SK" mean.
edit:
The context: [spoili]Words appear in a scrolling marquee.

"GA"

I type back.

I type "GA"

Words appear again.

We type back and forth.

"SK"

I rip the paper off.

"I love you SK SK"[/spoili]
See that is the type of shit I am dealing with. Is it shorthand for something? Are they initials? Is it something completely different?
Fuck how do you learn this shit

(But seriously if you have any answers, please let me know)

EDIT: I've been informed of what GA and SK mean. But if you have any resources for Deaf-speed fingerspelling recognition, I'd love those.
 
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Flying over to visit my parents was a huge fucking mistake. If you're just going to treat me like some sort of ATM machine and feel entitled to my own money, or tell me to change my appearance because you're 'the one who has to look at me', then you can just fuck off. Also, forgive me for getting you a present you didn't want. I'm not a mind-reader.

Feel free to financially aid my perfectly capable thirty-year-old NEET brother in my stead. You've been doing a fine job of it for the past few decades, and I'm afraid I could never match up to your level of good parenting.

But hey, thanks for reminding me why I even wanted to leave this place. I'll make sure not to come back next time.
 
Me in March 2017: !!! I don't understand anything!! I feel like I need to re-learn how to human!! I thought I was on the right path to getting better but I was just plain delusional, and I acted way out of line, and now I don't know what to do with myself!!!

Me now: Oh. It appears that, once again, I don't understand anything. I thought I knew what I was doing, but that confidence arose out of my delusional fantasies about what was actually good for me. Fantasies that were very wrong and very unhealthy. And I acted way out of line. And now I don't know what to do with myself. ... *shrug* Guess I might as well just accept my cluelessness and continue to float on through life for a while. That's better than ruining all of 2018 like I did with 2017, letting myself constantly freak out about this stuff. *lights a metaphorical cigarette* I may not understand the difference between focus and stamina, or between proper rest and anti-recovery wallowing, or between doing my best and pushing myself way too hard, or between unhealthy shortcuts and actual proper help -- but I do understand that I have to level up my mystery gift Rockruff to level 25 between 5 and 6pm if I want to get Dusk form Lycanroc, so... I guess I'll just do that, and not think about any of the rest.
 
That feel when your mental health is such a mess that you try to make an appointment with a counselor and they're like "what is the main issue you want to work on?" and you're just like "uhhhhhhhh" because you're dealing with such a tangled mess of inter-related issues that you have no idea where to even begin in describing any of it, much less pick out one "main" problem, or even settle on a top 3.
 
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[spoili]Regardless of my academic performance in the last semester of school (4.0 GPA with 6 courses and becoming an officer in the math honor society) it seems I am still of little worth to one parent unless I wake up every morning at promptly 7:30, even during this strange limbo of holiday time between semesters when such a thing is nowhere near necessary nor enjoyable. :/[/spoili]
 
[spoili]
(-_-;)

... The urge to never do something ever again because you're so awful at it is pretty strong... I guess its different in general, but I mean. Having people you, like, know.. I guess.. I mean. Having people you like know you're so fundamentally awful...

I know I can't talk to people, I've known that. But, I just. I thought maybe..

And I know I shouldn't be writing this. I, just. I wanted to be braver, and I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry... and not in the apologetic sense, but I guess I apologize too. Well. If there was any doubt, its been erased now.

I'm pitiful scum. Not just for being who I am, but for writing this. And I can't help it.[/spoili]
 
The tumor pathology came back, and there was a little bit of cancer. They think they got it all, and I know everything will be alright...

It's just hard to say that there was cancer out loud. I 'had' cancer. I hope I don't need chemo. I want this nightmare over.

I'm grateful to a cautious GI doctor. Most of my doctors had the mass written off as a nonproblem.
 
Last night I went over to my friend's apartment for dinner. We had a good ole' time, and his fiance baked me cookies for Christmas. He even made a special cat shaped one for me and it was incredibly sweet and I was/am very happy.

I ate some when I got home, then secured the tin and placed it on my coffee table before I went to bed.

Mistake one.

I woke up this morning, got ready for work, then went to pull back the blinds right before I left. Lo and behold, My Cat the Devil has knocked the tin onto the floor, where the lid popped off, and scattered the cookies everywhere. Some of them landed on the lid, so I still have some left to eat, but the rest ended up on the carpet.

The worst part is that the cat cookie is missing, which means the little demon either ate it, or knocked it under some appliance somewhere.

If I come home from work and she has thrown up I will be so angry. I seriously hate this animal sometimes, though it was admittedly my mistake for leaving it where she could get it easily. I mean, this is the cat who knocked open the sealed hard plastic container where I kept her dry food and somehow managed to open it, and then learned how to climb up on top of the cabinets, jump down onto the stove hood, and open the cupboard where I kept it, so I should really know better by now...
 
Nah lady, it's all fucking good! You keep your fucking car door open, blocking my truck door. I wasn't standing there with like a bazillion bags in 10 degree weather or anything like that. It's not like I don't have dinner to cook, laundry to put away that took me three hours to wash and fold. Sure, complain about it being cold while I'm actually dressed for the damn weather and freezing my fucking ass off, and you look like you rolled out the red light district.

Who the fuck cares that I have kids and a husband to get home to. You've got to find yourself a sugar daddy! And seriously, hitting on a dude with a ring on his finger? I should have bitch slapped the hell out of you for that man's poor wife!

Sometimes I really fucking hate single people. Then again, I think I might be just a little bit jealous. They don't have to do hundreds of baskets of clothes on a Saturday.....
 
My electric blanket stopped working ;n; I just got it. I can't go back to freezing to death in my own home!
 
Got a little teary at how much shit costs in real life adult world. Fuck. All of my paycheck will be GONE because of this, this, and this. Oh, and don't forget this. Ugh.
 
Why is IFTTT shit now?
It used to be instantaneous. It's been 3 hours now and the damn thing still hasn't run??
 
Nintendo

Web-enabled Pokemon trades with friends have been a thing since Diamond and Pearl.

Diamond and Pearl came out over a decade ago.

Why is it still such an ordeal to figure out how to set up a trade?? And then get a stable connection to happen??
 
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WHAT'S THE POINT OF A $700 DISHWASHER IF IT'S ALWAYS MALFUNCTIONING

**KICKS IT**

BUY4LIFE MY ASS

NEVER SPENDING FOR LUXURY HOME APPLIANCES AGAIN

All my cheapass appliances have been great! The only one that has been giving me shit is the ONLY one I didn't cheap the fuck out on.
Irony
 
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Why do I always go against my instincts and give people a second chance, when I know for a fact they're going to pull the same shit on me that pissed me off the first time? People don't change. Once an asshole, always an asshole. Yet, there I go, telling myself the second time around it'll be different. And what happens? The second someone asks for another chance, my brain always tells me 'Don't fucking do it! Ignore them!' and stupid me goes along with it anyway. And every single time, it turns out that my first thought to ignore them was spot on.

I think I might be a glutton for punishment.
 
I don't know what to do. I can't really talk to anyone about this. Can't talk to anyone in my real life. Not even my therapist. But I try to seek help in trans spaces and I seem to be ostracized even there. I feel so lost and I feel so alone. I can't ignore this anymore but I don't have the resources to handle it. I don't fit in anywhere. It's like nobody wants me.

I'm so ashamed. So so so ashamed.
 
Lament, not rant.

[spoili]
What a feeling. Knowing without objection, knowing objectively even perhaps, someone else is better than you in every possible way. And I don't feel any shame or anything about this. I absolutely agree, 100%.

It just feels sorta like a gut punch. I wasn't expecting this. To know without question a path I can't help but want has been shot down completely. And I just stand by, nodding. It's better this way. It's good. And I hate how hollow I feel knowing this.

Oh well. It's good to have such a hook into reality. I was getting pretty delusional.... I feel sick.[/spoili]
 
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