RANT Your Brains Out #98274

[Shiri]

Whelp got a letter back from my Rep finally. He kindly and respectfully told me that I have very valid concerns, but he doesn't support my views. It's kind of funny that the exact same reasoning he used for his views on the tax cut bill is merely a "valid concern" when applied to Title II. I just...do you stand for giving small businesses easy access to resources or not? Pick one.

 

[Lockheart]

I am confused and frustrated and I feel like I don't know who or what I am.

I've been struggling with my gender for a long time and I thought that I would figure it out eventually. Just give it more time... Its been more time! How much more "more time" am I going to be telling myself to wait?! I just want to know who I am. Feel like I could of worked this all out a long time ago if my mother hadn't of punished me when I tried opening up to her about it as a kid. Please just tell me who I am. Or what I am. Cause right now all I know I am is a broken freak.

And to add to that I am so very confused about my relationship with my wife right now. I don't know what we're doing. We've talked a lot about finding a third person and she says she wants to and I have my doubts and it would be foolish to assume that she doesn't have doubts too. Last I knew she said was that she wanted to find someone. But it's been a while and I don't know how to bring the topic up to her and I'm confused as to what either of us want.

 

[Vars]

OH BOY!
Who DOESN'T like a $155 bill for propane that won't be retroactively paid by the government benefits I got on the first of December because they're super slow to be implemented with the propane company!!!

....

I guess in a slightly optimistic place of thought, this means that there's a lot more expensive bills down the pipeline (assuming global warming doesn't kill the cold completely in the next 2 months) that the benefits WILL pay for. Hopefully.

Sigh.

edit: and just for anybody out of the loop, my heating is done through propane and I've had my thermostat on 58f since late november
(my house has pretty bad insulation)

I finally got my letter for benefits.
Effective date: December 19
Invoice for the bill those benefits were supposed to pay for: December 18

.
.
.
.
I guess after christmas I'll call and ask if they will be nice and post-date the invoice (It was an automatic refill, I didn't schedule it. It could've waited...)

Sigh.

But I guess this means I can finally up the thermostat to that sweet 60f!
So that's something, I guess.


edit: I guess I guess I guess I guess
such a mastery of the english language
I guess

 

[junebug]

Today I feel nervous about clicking on the PM button to look at what my partners are saying. I don't know why. I just feel like something bad's gonna happen, like I'm gonna be judged, and it's unsettling. :/

 

[LunaValentine]

I swear my coworkers wouldn't notice if I just didn't show up to work. I was scheduled to have yesterday and today off....but they fucking send me ticket questions anyways! Guess I just don't deserve time to myself and I just don't matter at all. Fuck them.

 

[Sidhe]

'Why do your role-plays all involve sex? What's up with that?'

because I will never be able to be intimate with someone in the right body so I might as well live vicariously through my stupid characters
I am a gigantic loser who is going to be alone forever because I hate my body so much and I am confident I will never find anyone who is understanding about this and will treat me the way I need to be treated
I will never be accepted as a man, not by myself, and certainly not by others

I am cursed with this prison.
I will live my life, I will enjoy my life, I will continue to work towards my goal of good mental health and a state of content existence
But this will never leave me. It will never be corrected. It will plague me forever.

 

[Seth Bloodmoon]

Can it be considered victory if the only thing you've managed to defeat is yourself? I don't know how to fix a thing and all that I keep thinking is that it would be better if maybe I just go away completely. A small part of me says that's not the best thing to do but that voice grows quieter and quieter every day.

 

[Vars]

[spoili] feel like I've been pretty rude recently and kind of think that I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself.[/spoili]

unrelated:
Looking at page 2+ of the partner connection forums feeling like

it'sajoke,don'tkillme

 

[Seth Bloodmoon]

Always dancing around and dodging telling someone how I really feel because I can only tell myself that the feeling wouldn't be mutual despite, at times, feeling like just maybe it would be. Even when asked what I want of them after I've acted like a complete idiot I seize up and skirt the question. All because I have managed to convince myself over the years that such things are really not meant for me. I know I have nothing to truly offer to make such worth it.

 

[LunaValentine]

I must be some kind of forgettable....how do you forget who my D and D character is when we've been playing for a few months now? Maybe I should just quit.It's not like it matters much. For them I'm just a mindless damage bot. I get mostly left out of dialog and pretty much pushed to sthe side..... I thought they were my friends! Guess I just can't have friends outside of the internet..... Maybe I should just give up on it.....go find something else to do. Tell them all to go fuck themselves.

 

[Shiri]

A customer filed a false report against my mom saying she stole his laptop. No one saw him bring one in or even a bag that would facilitate one. It's tempting to reformat my old junker and give it to him. If this is a greed call, which is highly likely(he can't even recall what kind of laptop it is), he'll have himself a blue screen machine. I can't do it because it would make the maids look bad, but it is so. very. tempting. Don't file false reports, folks. Or if you have worries of your electronics being stolen by the help, put it back in your car when you're done with it.

 

[Sidhe]

On the night before Christmas my true love gave to me:

A nasty sore throat :(

 

[Kagayours]

On the night before Christmas my true love gave to me:

A nasty sore throat :(

:( Yeah, I'm catching a cold, too. At this rate it'll probably reach its peak on Christmas Day.

Merry Sickmas to us. ><

 

[Joan]

:( Yeah, I'm catching a cold, too. At this rate it'll probably reach its peak on Christmas Day.

Merry Sickmas to us. ><

My little sis was sick yesterday too :< not sure how she's feeling now, but she was miserable yesterday.

 

[Sidhe]

:( Yeah, I'm catching a cold, too. At this rate it'll probably reach its peak on Christmas Day.

Merry Sickmas to us. ><

Merry Sickmas -quiet sobbing-

 

[Vars]

Sleep at place to avoid having to drive in the dark. Don't get any sleep.
Have to shovel my car out from the road.
Shovel the driveway of the place I am staying at.
Drive to grandparents. Shovel out their driveway again.
Make a mad exit to try and get home before dark. Don't.
get the pleasure of snow plowing my own drive way in the dark.

Well, at least I have a blower. Shoveling that would've sucked.

Anyway it was only like 1-2 inches at the other people's houses, 4-5 inches at my place.
Still. I had to do it in the dark though.
The dark. =[

Anyway I'm hella tired due to that whole not actually sleeping thing so I'll probably go to bed early, as in, maybe the next 30 minutes (roughly 7pm lol).

Also I was at 2 different houses that offered me drinks/food and then didn't actually feed me so
I'm sure it wasn't on purpose but it was pretty disappointing anyway.
Especially since last year I was the one cooking everything (and I didn't even agree to that, I kind of just... wound up doing it.. Like a voluntold situation... it's complicated, I guess, and I'm a nice person)

and also as a truly first world problem, my parents got my a gift I have no idea what I'm going to do with. Debating on telling them or just quietly selling it. idk. Seems like I always have this problem.
Oh and my grandma painted a picture of my cat. She's good at painting.
Unfortunately, she apparently has no idea what my cat looks like, because the cat in the picture is definitely not my cat.
Not to mention even if it did look like my cat I had no intention of hanging it anyway so I feel kind of bad regardless.

This is why I just don't want any gifts. but. whatever. People keep buying me shit I don't want for 20+ years. I make do. =|

 

[Seth Bloodmoon]

Maybe it's just time to step away from the internet and such for awhile. Concentrate on just making it through the winter...

 

[Kagayours]

Me one week ago: I have a good plan in place to improve my mental health and functionality! Winter break is going to be good! Next semester is going to be good! I will be prepared to cope with what break/school brings in the near future! I am optimistic and positive!

Me now: Per usual, I am completely fucking delusional and have no idea what's good for me. My fantasies for break/next semester have been shattered, as they rightfully should have been, as they were built on nothing but my own horribly warped perception of what's actually good for me. I am delusional, dysfunctional, and self-destructive, and my "plans for self-improvement" were nothing more than me enabling my own shortsighted and self-destructive habits. Also, per usual, I'm a weak-ass bitch who cries and hides under a blanket at the mere thought of actually having to do anything that requires a tiny bit of effort. Because if I think that my difficulties are a good enough excuse to take the easy way out, then I am fucking delusional and I have no control over my own awful self.

 

[junebug]

this is the first time in a while that i've actually felt tired of searching for long term rp partners that don't leave me and/or stop talking to me after a while. i've always been hopeful about those who come to me with interest, but geez, it's just frustrating to get a partner you think is awesome, only to have them flake on you, one way or another. maybe it's time to take another rp break, focus on other stuff. :|

 

[Pahn]

it's really hard not to think about today's grim anniversary. being at work and wanting to drown myself in games or anime sucks =__= [spoili] it's odd to realize how it has been 9 years since he kicked us out and then tried to get us back in because we were a source of income. when money is stronger than love. I ain't daddy's girl no more...[/spoili]