RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I've been frustrated at myself for the past week. I still have a huge creative block. I'm fighting the good fight to make something worthwhile, but I am my own worst critic. When I write, I'm lacking good flow in both plot progression and dialogue. Everything is stilted and cluttered, and it feels like a bad abstraction of my idea, like I'm writing a horrible fanfiction of my own work. I feel extremely out of touch with my own stories and it is terrifying.

My art is likewise suffering. Inspiration is just gone. I've tried methods both old and new to try and spur myself forward, but again, I'm falling short.

I'm not a very patient person to begin with. I know that's the center of my problem(it is an ongoing flaw of mine), but I haven't found a proper way to release the tension yet. I just kind of dwell on my shortcomings, get disheartened, and sadly play video games that involve the characters I want to draw art of. I feel like I'm stalking fictional characters at this point. Always watching, but never interacting or engaging in a creative way. x'D

*aggressively sips tea*
 
AAAAAH GODDAMN I WISH I COULD BE PLAYING HIVESWAP RIGHT NOW.

But no!!! No... stay strong, Kaga. Stay responsible. You are trying to practice a thing called Self-Discipline™ right now. You are being strict with yourself for a reason. And you can't make an exception just because a game that you've been waiting over 4 years to see is finally out. That would defeat the entire point of this.

You have to earn Hiveswap... and you're getting there, Kag... if you stick to your goals, if you stay tough and put some real effort into doing what you should, then you can have the game as early as Monday, maybe even Sunday...

...

BUT EVEN SUNDAY IS SO FAR AWAAAAY. ;_;

I WAITED FOUR YEARS FOR THIS, DAMMIT.
 
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I'm nothing but an afterthought. I'm starting to seriously consider finding another job. No one gives a shit here. My voice may as well not exist.
 
Well I finally got the computer to POST.
But it literally took 8 hours and nearly 100miles (because fuck ordering more from Amazon and waiting through the weekend).
And the case fan is not working now.

SIGH
 
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I wanna confess my feelings for you, but I can't see how it could go well - you could reject me, or you could be with me because you (wrongly) feel like you have to. Or you could even say "we shouldn't have stayed friends" and leave me. But letting "not being over you" fester would be infinitely worse. So would reducing or cutting off contact with you, because you're one of my closest friends.

So, this is a mighty fine spot I'm in right now :) :) :)
 
Well I technically have a working pc now but I hit the bandwidth cap and am now experiencing blazing speeds of an astonishing 1kb/s.
It's been 10min and still not halfway through a 3mb download.

Kill me.

EDIT:
I did not actually hit the bandwidth cap. My billing cycle reset today. No, what happened is, my wireless network adapter decided to die. Rather than replace it I bought a 50ft ethernet cable and I'll just have a wired desktop because fuck everything.
Why does this computer hate me.
 
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I think I fucked up today. So there's this cute guy at a con I go to every year now.....and uhhh well he kinda followed me and my brother around.....I uhhhh I think he mighta liked me....but I uhhh.....I didn't get his number or email or anything. Because I'm tired and was ready to go home...... >.<
 
The weak part of the rock wall behind my house gave again. The rocks are only about 10 feet from the side of my house. At first I thought it was a natural fall, but some of the rocks are stacked in a strangely human manner. And it's my night alone tonight. I guess I'll make some calls in the morning.

My dog was also acting weird when I came home. I thought she give might've been lonely, but maybe she saw what happened and was stressed from it.
 
This move is a goddamn mess. Roommate D is going to have to learn to deal with not having things done her way anymore. I'm so fucking done
 
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No one wants to hear anything from me other than. "Oh I'm fine. Life's just great!" With a big old smile on my face.
 
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Too much.

Too many opposing factors.

I don't know what to do. I mean, sometimes I think I know what to do. Sometimes I try my hardest to carry out what it seems is the thing I need to do, and, sometimes, I even succeed! But then those "positive" qualities that I work so hard to build up seem to come with their own drawbacks. Just when I think I'm doing a good job at not pushing myself too hard and taking care of my mental health, I realize that I'm falling behind my schoolwork and various forms of "adulting". Just when I think I'm getting better at staying on top of the work, I realize that I'm neglecting my health.

Just when I think I'm getting better about not using people as emotional dumping grounds and not oversharing, I realize that I've left myself hardly any emotional outlet at all. Just when I think I'm getting better at maintaining friendships, I realize just how superficial those friendships seem when I don't open myself up to people. But if I open up, then I'm being too negative, I'm dragging other people down, I'm dragging myself down, I'm oversharing, I'm getting too personal too quickly... and, worst of all, I keep making the conversation about myself and my problems. And then I don't even let anyone help me. All I want is to feel sorry for myself.

Of course, a likely reason why I so eagerly reject all advice and comfort offered to me is because, if I were to accept all of that advice without saying "I don't think that'll work for me, because..." then I'll feel awful about not being able to do what that advice tells me to do. I'll feel like I'm intentionally sabotaging myself by not listening to the advice that was so graciously bestowed upon me.

But then, if I try to be critical about the advice, then I'm overthinking things. If I try to discuss it with the other person, then I'm turning what was supposed to be a "hey, I haven't talked to you in a while, how have you been?", into a long, drawn-out, emotional drain of a conversation where I do nothing but tear myself down and drag the other person down with me. If I reject all attempts to help up-front under the assumption that no one can help me, then I appear woefully pessimistic. And that, at best, just harshes the mood of everyone around me. At worst, it means that I'm being downright toxic.

But then, if I learn from experience that the very attempt at talking about my problems to anyone other than a licensed professional just makes me feel worse about myself for a wide variety of reasons, and I attempt to avoid talking about my problems for that very reason - then I'm bottling things up.

There just doesn't seem to be any winning option in regards to any of the things I've been struggling with. Any attempt at pursuing the seemingly good and healthy route just comes with other unforeseen consequences. And any attempt at seeking a balance between two options just means that I find myself stuck in an awkward limbo where I can't seem to make any significant progress on either front, and I feel more stagnated than ever.

There is just... too much. Too many factors at play. Too many variables to consider. And I can't even shut everything out for a while because THAT, TOO, IS A CHOICE THAT AFFECTS OTHER THINGS. What would "shutting everything out" even mean? Does it mean isolating myself? Because that doesn't sound healthy. Does it mean I should stop thinking so hard about what is or isn't a healthy habit to be in, and that I should just say "fuck it" and do whatever feels right? Well I can't do that, because then I'd fall right back into all those unhealthy habits and completely stop caring about improving myself, and that obviously isn't a smart decision.

But then, if I do the opposite of that, and actually put some effort into improving myself... then I'm trapped in the hell of my own brain, where I constantly feel caught in the middle of so many different choices to make and I just don't know what to do. I just don't see how it's even possible to balance all these different things in a way that doesn't also neglect other key aspects of life.

It is all just, so... too much. And I just can't stand it.
 
Somebody ate my ice cream. Not sure who yet, but I'm sure on the news later today it will show who I've murdered.
 
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Me: *attempting to download and install a thing*
Computer: !!! SUSPICIOUS APPLICATION!!! NOT CERTIFIED BY APPLE!!! COULD BE DANGEROUS!!! DO NOT INSTALL!!!
Me: Listen, I know you're just trying to protect me, and I'm sorry this game doesn't have a personalized letter of recommendation from the ghost of Steve Jobs or whatever. But I'm the one in control here, and I trust this publisher. I'm installing the game.
Computer: *roars in defiance, burns my skin*
Me: Do you need a time out.
 
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The fact that a fear of death is one of my biggest anxiety triggers is so cruel. Like, of all things.

Depression makes it more likely that I'm going to die.
Anxiety makes it more likely to develop heart disease or suffer a heart attack (and die).

I'm feeling really upset about this, which just makes it worse. So, so cruel.
 
Before I start: yes I see a psychiatrist, yes I take medication as prescribed, yes I see a therapist, yes I do a lot of self care.

Here goes....

I suffer from severe mental illnesses, Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD, and I have been experiencing flare-ups over the last several months. The first few months were due to a medication mishap, then it was simply stress and overwhelm, then the anxiety and severe depression set in, and then my PTSD was majorly triggered. Basically, I have had a shit storm for several months.

In the middle of all that a major decision was made in our household, without me and my partner's input, which would greatly speed up certain plans. This decision was difficult and anxiety-inducing for everyone involved, but nowhere near as bad as it has been for me.

Basically I never had the chance to recover from my initial flare-up before this new decision was made. No one seemed to take into account the fact that the disabled person has been seriously sick, and just maybe needed some time to recover. It is never a snap thing for me, it's not like I'm either sick or I'm not sick. I always have my mental illnesses. They don't go away when I'm not in a flare-up. People don't seem able to understand this.

On top of that, I am forced to just let things happen and to act like I'm fine with it. Well, not anymore. I do not want to pretend any longer that any of this is okay with me. I'm done.

Rant over.
 
And now I'm in another one of those weird moods where I'm definitely hungry but I don't really feel like eating anything.

This is not helped by part of my brain going "!! what if!! we just didn't worry about eating!! imagine how much more productive we could be if we didn't have to spend time eating!!"

Like, yo, I don't enjoy having my consciousness be trapped in this high-maintenance meat prison, either. But starving myself is proooobably not going to help my overall productivity levels, thanks.

On that note, if anyone knows of some way that I can just inject my daily recommended dose of calories and nutrients directly into my veins, feel free to hit me up.
 
Kagayours said:
On that note, if anyone knows of some way that I can just inject my daily recommended dose of calories and nutrients directly into my veins, feel free to hit me up.
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soylent.com
I order the powder, it is great. But if you don't have a blender and/or are even more lazy and/or have a slightly larger amount of money to throw at it, you can get the variety of premixed drinks.

The only thing with the powder at least is that the last time I paid attention to it the protein content wasn't that great. I solve that and the whole lack of flavor issue by putting chocolate PB2 in it.

A lot of people don't trust it, but their documentation is vast if you want to look at all the ingredients, etc. The first time I tried soylent, I went all in and had only soylent and no real food for 2 weeks. I was 100% fine and if you google around there are people who have been on a 100% soylent diet for much longer and were also fine.

The only downsides to soylent are the following:
- lack of taste (if you only use the powder like me) - [note: soylent doesn't taste bad. It just literally has the blandest taste ever. Frequently is compared to the milk left over from a bowl of cheerios]
- Weird full feeling but empty stomach feeling at the same time
- Food cravings get really bad because food is so god damned delicious in comparison to soylent

I have Depression, one of my things is I just do not eat. I use Soylent to get me out of the whole not eating funk.
 
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Vardoger said:
soylent.com
I order the powder, it is great. But if you don't have a blender and/or are even more lazy and/or have a slightly larger amount of money to throw at it, you can get the variety of premixed drinks.

The only thing with the powder at least is that the last time I paid attention to it the protein content wasn't that great. I solve that and the whole lack of flavor issue by putting chocolate PB2 in it.

A lot of people don't trust it, but their documentation is vast if you want to look at all the ingredients, etc. The first time I tried soylent, I went all in and had only soylent and no real food for 2 weeks. I was 100% fine and if you google around there are people who have been on a 100% soylent diet for much longer and were also fine.

The only downsides to soylent are the following:
- lack of taste (if you only use the powder like me) - [note: soylent doesn't taste bad. It just literally has the blandest taste ever. Frequently is compared to the milk left over from a bowl of cheerios]
- Weird full feeling but empty stomach feeling at the same time
- Food cravings get really bad because food is so god damned delicious in comparison to soylent

I have Depression, one of my things is I just do not eat. I use Soylent to get me out of the whole not eating funk.
Click to expand...

I... did not expect a serious response to that. o.o I wasn't even being completely serious with the request.

But uh... thanks, I guess. o.o Maybe this will be of use to me someday.
 
I don't understand how a parent could use their own child as a pawn against the other. Yes, three years ago, your ex made a huge mistake in cheating on you. It is understandable to be upset, sad, angry... But when you cross the threshold of using your child as a means of gaining "repayment for past debts"? No. You refusing to pay for his healthcare and schooling costs is you failing as a father. You threatening to tell your 5 year old the "truth" about why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore is you failing as a father. And it sickens me that your behavior is being excused by her parents because they have some twisted sense of justice, while wishfully thinking they have their grandson's best interests at heart.
 
It took me nearly 6 hours to get the kitchen back to relatively neat and organized after unpacking the rest of the kitchen stuff and now I'm too sore to sleep

At least it's mostly all unpacked/sorted now.

I swear to god though, if I get chewed out for leaving things on the table, I will lose my shit. I'm too short to reach the top shelf; I don't know where we're putting the booze; I don't know what Roommate D wants to do with that pan since we don't need it now. I didn't want that shit clogging up the counter, the table seemed like the best place
 
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