This might come off as heavy but I must state that I already know what I can do and will do against this 'festering problem'. It isn't anything new but I think that keeping it to myself isn't going to help. Certainly not with the increasing frequency and 'quality' of what I am facing almost on a daily base. Does my life suck? I don't think so. I am healthy, don't experience hunger and am master of my own fate. Going to college and working towards a goal.
What made me decide to sigh and start just writing word by word what is frustrating me to the bone? My parents. Now, this sounds super cliché and seeing that I wager most who will invest time reading this post will sigh and think it is an angry child post, stating how unjustified and uncaring his parents are, I sadly must state that might very well be the case. I am indeed an angry child of adult age. I indeed feel and think that my parents are unjustified and uncaring in many of their ways. What they are also is that they do have a certain care for me. They still provide me with food and board, something that barely goes unnoticed with them reminding me daily of their work. What do I do in response? I nod, I show respect by doing my chores - asked and out of my own violation. I try to be the middle child of three siblings to not gain too much attention, for I have bad experiences with that.
But that doesn't make me frustrated and feeling at times miserable. What does is how I see how many other parents treat their children. Who allowed them to grow up without reminding them that they own a lot to their folks. Who doesn't talk down or show disdain to their child(ren) in general. Sure, I also heard and experienced bad parenting. But ever since the frequency of the sneers, unfair treatment and just disdain of my parents is increasing, I felt at first envy. It made me angry and desperate to gain compliments from my own parents as I saw how other parents treated their kids. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger as we all likely have done.
But I am getting done with the fact that I need to do everything through my parents. What I mean with that? I need to buy a laptop from my dad's company, who just buy it from like - let us say as an example - Coolblue. Perhaps with some discount but before I can even purchase something, I always need to sit down with my parents and be talked down. Always being reminded of how grateful I must be towards family and what kind of favours they still owe from raising me. Sure, I do agree to a certain agree that I live from their company. Their profit feeds me and allows me to sleep and rest somewhere with an intact roof. The problem lies in that apparently my sisters don't need to undergo the same procedure. My little sister just bought an expensive phone without my parent's consent and no bad word slipped from my dad's lips. My big sister bought some audio boxes and once more, nothing was said about it.
I don't want to imply that I just concluded that from first glance. I waited and observed how each situation went before making a conclusion. They didn't get the same approach or words but even praise for finding bargains and what not. Meanwhile, I am kicked into the dirt every time I try to proceed a direction. I might not phrase it very nice and I suppose that every story has two sides. I truly acknowledge, or in any case, I try that.
I guess that I am just done and over with that person who shares a relation in blood are apparently capable to demand loyalty from me and yet are allowed to ignore, bully or just show open disdain towards me. I am done with how I am unable to allow myself to uphold a healthy relationship with people close, cause I am too afraid of what they will think when they see how my parents treated me. In fact, I already underwent that experience and it just made things worse. I guess I am done with being submissive and acceptive towards disdain and mental attacks that I didn't provoke any kind of such nasty behaviour. I know, at least, that I am done with writing this post and feeling a bit better now that my mouse cursor hovers over to the reply thread. I know that the purpose of this thread is to rant your heart out and yet, I feel the need to apologise for those people who decided to go through this.