RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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When you know what you're doing is right, you stay on that area of the genuinity of your morals.

But when several things forces you to believe otherwise, which is against your virtues, will you still know what you did was right or wrong?


Meh, as if anyone would understand this. But hey, this is a place for venting my inner thoughts, so whatever.
 
Seems like when other people make plans everything falls into place and if there is a snag it's a small one. When I make plans I can never get ahold of the people I need to make anything work. This is a time sensitive ordeal and there's nothing I can do to make things improve. I am just so disappointed and frustrated and tired.
 
Laptop's about to die so I need to make a purchase for a new one in quick order, but my friend made a very good point and now I'm angsting. It's the same old pro versus con argument between desktops and laptops. A desktop would be cheaper and easier to upgrade, but not portable. I am an artist and a gamer so I prefer to have my machines on the run. Yet ever since my laptop started having problems during the winter I haven't been taking it with me to places anyway. But I know that if I had a new laptop, I would take it everywhere like I did the old one. But when a laptop breaks you pretty much have to buy a new one whereas you can just buy the part you need for a desktop.

ARGGGGH!
 
Me: I'm bored.
Hubby: There are a million things you can do. Pick something.
Me: Alright, I'm going to watch a movie on my kind.
-Puts in earbuds. Starts the movie.-
Three minutes later.
Hubby: OMG! What the hell are you doing? Take those damn earbuds out, I'm trying to talk to you.

Mother fucker! I swear I'm going to strangle him! All god damn day long he's been doing the same shit. Every time I start doing something, he starts fucking nagging. If he does it one more damn time, I'm going to beat him upside the head with a frying pan.....

Or maybe not, but damn it if he doesn't leave me the hell alone I'm going to hurt him.
 
There's something that's just been eating at me for the last few days. I am very open to new shows, movies, and anime when they are suggested to me. Most of the time I am out of the loop, so to speak, so I welcome new media experiences when they are offered. The problem is I am hardly given the same courtesy. I have very few anime I am passionate about and none of my irl friends seem to want to enjoy them with me. There's even been implications of hate toward the shows I watch, I just...it grates on my nerves after a few years. I get that different people like different anime, but how can you tell you don't like it if you never tried it out? I am literally watching 10 shows at the same time, recommended by other people and none of them even want to consider my recommendations.

This was an exchange from last night:
Friend: *watches anime compilation vid* That one's pretty.
Me: Oh yeah! We should watch it. It's available to stream.
Other friend: I could turn it on but...
Friend: No. That would royally piss me off.

But...why? I let it drop -again- because I don't want to be that person who forces another into an anime. That sort of action rarely pans out positively. But I know that they'd like these shows if they gave them a chance. It's not like I don't also have their interests in mind. These shows very easily fit in their favorite genres. And in the case of one, it is referenced often in the anime they are showing to me which makes it all the more maddening.

The worst part is, I can't even talk vaguely about my favorite shows because "spoilers". Spoilers for a show you claim to hate...what? Why do you care?

But yeah. It's a petty complaint, but it's been gnawing at my brain lately. Gotta air out that dirty laundry some time.
 
One of these days I'm gonna swear and scream at one of my coworkers. He needs to stop being a lazy prick and use his brain. He can remove the woo.
 
This might come off as heavy but I must state that I already know what I can do and will do against this 'festering problem'. It isn't anything new but I think that keeping it to myself isn't going to help. Certainly not with the increasing frequency and 'quality' of what I am facing almost on a daily base. Does my life suck? I don't think so. I am healthy, don't experience hunger and am master of my own fate. Going to college and working towards a goal.

What made me decide to sigh and start just writing word by word what is frustrating me to the bone? My parents. Now, this sounds super cliché and seeing that I wager most who will invest time reading this post will sigh and think it is an angry child post, stating how unjustified and uncaring his parents are, I sadly must state that might very well be the case. I am indeed an angry child of adult age. I indeed feel and think that my parents are unjustified and uncaring in many of their ways. What they are also is that they do have a certain care for me. They still provide me with food and board, something that barely goes unnoticed with them reminding me daily of their work. What do I do in response? I nod, I show respect by doing my chores - asked and out of my own violation. I try to be the middle child of three siblings to not gain too much attention, for I have bad experiences with that.
But that doesn't make me frustrated and feeling at times miserable. What does is how I see how many other parents treat their children. Who allowed them to grow up without reminding them that they own a lot to their folks. Who doesn't talk down or show disdain to their child(ren) in general. Sure, I also heard and experienced bad parenting. But ever since the frequency of the sneers, unfair treatment and just disdain of my parents is increasing, I felt at first envy. It made me angry and desperate to gain compliments from my own parents as I saw how other parents treated their kids. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger as we all likely have done.

But I am getting done with the fact that I need to do everything through my parents. What I mean with that? I need to buy a laptop from my dad's company, who just buy it from like - let us say as an example - Coolblue. Perhaps with some discount but before I can even purchase something, I always need to sit down with my parents and be talked down. Always being reminded of how grateful I must be towards family and what kind of favours they still owe from raising me. Sure, I do agree to a certain agree that I live from their company. Their profit feeds me and allows me to sleep and rest somewhere with an intact roof. The problem lies in that apparently my sisters don't need to undergo the same procedure. My little sister just bought an expensive phone without my parent's consent and no bad word slipped from my dad's lips. My big sister bought some audio boxes and once more, nothing was said about it.
I don't want to imply that I just concluded that from first glance. I waited and observed how each situation went before making a conclusion. They didn't get the same approach or words but even praise for finding bargains and what not. Meanwhile, I am kicked into the dirt every time I try to proceed a direction. I might not phrase it very nice and I suppose that every story has two sides. I truly acknowledge, or in any case, I try that.

I guess that I am just done and over with that person who shares a relation in blood are apparently capable to demand loyalty from me and yet are allowed to ignore, bully or just show open disdain towards me. I am done with how I am unable to allow myself to uphold a healthy relationship with people close, cause I am too afraid of what they will think when they see how my parents treated me. In fact, I already underwent that experience and it just made things worse. I guess I am done with being submissive and acceptive towards disdain and mental attacks that I didn't provoke any kind of such nasty behaviour. I know, at least, that I am done with writing this post and feeling a bit better now that my mouse cursor hovers over to the reply thread. I know that the purpose of this thread is to rant your heart out and yet, I feel the need to apologise for those people who decided to go through this.
 
I can't figure out if I actually want help or just a handout/affirmation of my beliefs, but either way I wish there was someone with incredibly similar life experience to myself who I could speak with.
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I wish I had known property taxes were due this year. If I had, my whole budget would have been different and I wouldn't have to pull 2k out of my ass in 30 days. Less than tthat, rreally. On top of all the other financial fuckery right now? It could definitely be worse but this still sucks.
I bought it this year and i couldve sworn i already paid it but i guess it was last years taxes. Fml
 
I'm just going to awkwardly sit here for a few hours, and obsessively think about it. Probably gonna make up some really crackpot theories about why he wanted to call, and what I should've done, instead of agreeing to talk later.
 
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NEIGHBOURS.

Why must you choose nap time to clean your entire apartment everyday, EVERYTIME?

You are lucky she went down for a nap, otherwise I would have to politely curse you and hope your vacuum breaks.
 
I'm sick and I feel emotionally like crap. I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I wasn't so alone. Sometimes I just hate my life.
 
[spoili]Just feeling really down.

Kinda sucks. Even writing is getting hard. All I'm doing is... well... nothing.

Blerghhhhhhhh[/spoili]

:gloomy:
 
Was super productive for a week, then I apparently ran out of things to do. Staring at the phone for several hours and checking the same 4 sites really sucks.
Today's highlight was making a to do list of things to do after I get the computer.
Tuesday needs to come faster.

Also, I have to crawl under thehhouse tomorrow. Definitely not looking forward to it.

Lol such a lame thing to post here, but thats how boring my life is.
 
I can't stop crying today and I can't stop feeling like literal garbage. I hate everything. I wanna go home and sleep.
 
I think that there's been a misunderstanding and it's very unfortunate and somewhat annoying. During the cycles where I decide to use Facebook I litter it with positive posts, because I like little pick-me-up posts and I figure other people might as well. Well, one of my more distant friends keeps making passive aggressive posts about timelines like mine. I don't think they are meaning to single me out in particular, but it certainly takes the wind out of your sails when they call posts like yours "shit". They've also multiple times tried to tie posts about love to "typical privileged white people shit" and making it a race thing(they are white as well btw)...I mean I could turn my Facebook into a digital cabinet obscura and share the dark shades of human history complete with exploding skulls, torture devices, and human zoos, but that just seems inappropriate for making people feel good about their average day.

A part of me wants to just stop posting again and hide in a different corner of the internet, while another part of me wants to just flood my account with even more positive posts until they puke from my apparently "shitty white people" outlook. Maybe I should post about Scandinavia? The cultures of my ancestors? I come from stock who were in fact thralls to a certain Icelandic people. Human sacrifice, rapes, and iron collars for days. Would this grim history make me less "shitty/typical"?

To be fair, I probably should post things about Norway more. I get so wrapped up into foreign cultures that I forget about square one ancestry. It is a thing to consider.
 
Words burrow deep.

I'm still thinking about the day I was in the bookstore, and a person at the counter ask what I'm looking for. I give the standard response that I'm just looking. I didn't feel like talking. Then I hear the other at the counter say something about my depressed vibes and how he didn't want to be around them, out loud.

I can't help if I look depressed, when I am! I refuse putting on an act that I'm happy, especially around strangers that I don't know. All he had to do was say nothing. All he did was reinforce an idea that I already had, that I'm alone in this world. Let me be sad. It doesn't hurt you.
 
Dad's finally around with time off, and we plan a thing that revolves around helping me get my future career. Set several days in advance, and this was supposed to be a big thing for me. My older sister decides that my father's time is better used taking her to get vaccinated. Something she could've done on her own. I'm trying to enlist, which is something that'll dictate the next 6-8 years of my life. I am angry.

I hate my sister. Legitimately.
 
Guess who spent FOUR HOURS fucking about with parts that were dead on arrival??
 
I'm really tired of Mr. Almighty acting like I just sit around and wait for him to have a problem. I'm also fucking tired of his and his divisions shit. They don't give me any information and HE accuses me of not doing my job. Nah fuck him. I'm going full villian look tomorrow. Or at least as close as I can get.
 
I fucking hate my life.

I have a problem that escalates to a fight because of your cocky "I can do anything I want" attitude and your past desicions to hide exes and other girls in your phone and play me like the fucking fool I am? OH YOU MUST BE INSANE OR ON SOMETHING.

But please, because I'm such a fucking idiot for staying with you and because you've now trapped me by making me have your child, PLEASE continue to belittle me and invalidate any and all of my feelings, problems, and insecurities. It feels -fucking- wonderful.
 
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