RANT Your Brains Out #98274

[Obsidian Miscreant]

Youtube live chats full of racists.
Their ignorance immediately ruining an otherwise fun chat with their bullshit.
All of a sudden taking digs at other races. IT WAS A JUDGE JUDY VIDEO LOOP 'LIVE' CHAT FOR PETE SAKES.

Yet somehow slurs slithered their way into the mix. One person insisting that another was "acting black", and was there for assumed as such. Harassed soon after, with a shit show following suit. Does the color of someone's skin behind a computer screen really matter? Does it stop people from sleeping at night? Effect their credit scores? Create a distortion in the natural flow of time as we know it?

Does.not.fucking.matter. I'm a person of color who has been mistaken for everything but because of how I type, and speak in real life if you're unable to actually see me. That I don't mind. It happens constantly, and I've grown accustomed to that. Either way, what DOES bother is me is that I could/would potentially be harassed if my typing style indicated any different. If I "acted black" within the minds of someone else. I have never quite understood that, and it has pissed me off for years. How does one act like a specfic group of people just based on the way a person decides to type? Jumping to conclusions based on an assumption is almost always bad news in the end.

But that's just a reoccurring theme in life, isn't it?
[ - Insert humorless laughter here - ]

 

[Shiri]

So... locally a man in his 80s has some pet rabbits in an outside pen. Recently, someone drove to his place, broke into it, stole the babies, and killed the mothers. What the fuck.

Between my landlord pulling surprise house inspections after years of not talking to us, sudden fraudulent parking tickets, and the random animal slaughters, I feel like I live in the Twilight Zone.

 

[Kagayours]

Suddenly, the textbook that is listed as being required for one of my classes... is not the same textbook that was listed as being required earlier this month, when I bought all my textbooks. I bought a textbook that was originally listed as being required for the course, but now, the textbook that I bought is not the textbook that I actually need.

And I don't even mean that it's a later edition of what is essentially the same textbook (because, if that was the case, it would probably be similar enough that I could get away with having an outdated version). No, this is really a completely different textbook, with a different title and author.

Oh, and it's just barely too late to return the old textbook for a refund. The cut-off date for that was yesterday.

So now, not only have I wasted money on a textbook that I don't need... but I also still have to buy the other textbook.

And at this point I pretty much have no choice but to buy it from the school store for full price -- because, while the textbook that I actually need is available for cheaper online, websites like B&N always adamantly refuse to accept my on-campus address as a valid shipping address. Most online stores refuse to accept it. Despite the fact that human mail-carriers never seem to have any problem deciphering the address when my mom sends me care-packages and stuff.

In a desperate attempt to not waste money, I just emailed my professor explaining what happened and asking if the textbooks are similar enough that I can use the one I already have and still follow along with the course just fine. And while this professor is a very nice man (I've had classes with him before) who will probably be sympathetic to my situation, odds are it won't be possible for me to use the old textbook and he's still going to tell me I need the new one.

(And before anyone PM's me and offers to find me a free PDF of it online -- I appreciate the offer, but I just can't concentrate with e-books and the like. I need a physical, paper book to get into the study zone. And while, most days, I can be thrifty enough to buy all of those physical, paper books at reasonable prices... apparently today is not that day.)

 

[daird]

TFW when you buy a videogame you find out you can't handle almost immediately and essentially flush $80 down the shitter.

 

[Kagayours]

Please, good sir, do not stop in the middle of the crosswalk like that. I am trying to be kind and give you the right-of-way in a context where most drivers would not -- even though you're supposed to have the right-of-way -- because I know what it's like to be a mere pedestrian and to wait patiently for the sign to change and for the little walking man to tell me it's safe to cross, only for dozens of cars to start making turns through the crosswalk without so much as glancing at me at all, and to watch in despair as cars continue to pass over those black-and-white stripes until the little liar walking man disappears and is replaced with a blinking orange hand, and then, before I have a chance to make a single step forward, I am greeted by an uncaring solid orange hand.

I am trying to be a good driver who acknowledges that the little walking man exists and that he naively trusts drivers to let pedestrians cross before making a turn, thus telling people like you that it is safe to walk when in reality, if you blindly trusted him, it would probably cost you your life. I don't want you to feel the same frustration that I have when I've been in your place.

But as I watch you stand still in the crosswalk, waiting for you to continue walking, a stressful green light beams down on me. If I had the road to myself, if no other drivers existed, then I would be happy to wait a few moments for you to cross, even at a green light. After all, I, a driver, am capable of reaching my destination much faster than you are. And the amount of time that I have stood at a crosswalk -- wondering why the little walking man had to betray me like this -- far surpasses the amount of time that I have waited at any stoplight. It is unfair that you, slowly making your way to wherever you need to be, carried only by your own two feet, are expected to wait as dozens of people like me are carried in front of you by fast-moving metal machines which take all the physical strain out of travel. The few extra seconds that I would sit in waiting before making my turn mean nothing compared to the injustice you face at the hands of most other drivers.

But alas, I am not alone on the road. There are other drivers behind me. And I know that, to them, remaining motionless at a green light is one of the most heinous sins that a fellow driver could possibly commit. And although I find their impatience disdainful -- knowing that these people find it infuriating to wait an extra second or two at a green light when the person in front of them is only trying to follow the actual rules of the road -- still, I dare not anger them. The thought that my presence on the road -- that my desire to drive carefully and play by the rules -- is nothing but a nuisance to all the drivers around me, weighs heavily on my mind every time I get behind the wheel.

I am already a bit of an anxious driver to begin with, and I have already had a rather stressful and anxiety-inducing day. And the longer I wait for you, dear sir, to get out of the crosswalk while that green light stares down at me, the worse I feel about holding up every impatient driver behind me. But at least I can take comfort in the thought that these impatient and rage-filled drivers are perhaps only a figment of my imagination. Maybe they're not as impatient as I worry they might be. Maybe they see you, standing there in the crosswalk, and maybe I don't have to fear that their anger will be taken out on me.

...Until, of course, they start to honk.

My heart is already racing. My breathing is already far surpassing the speed limit. I don't like being honked at most days -- but today in particular, that dreadful sound is one that I simply cannot tolerate.

And if that green light -- as much as it is a stressful reminder that I should not be sitting still right now and that everyone can see I'm being an awful person by holding up traffic -- were to, God forbid, change to yellow?? And if, as all the drivers behind me hope that all of us will at least have a chance to squeeze through on that yellow light -- if I fail to move even as it is yellow -- and the light finally changes to a color I dare not even speak aloud, causing the rage of the angry bulls behind me to escalate to unfathomable levels, as I, guilt-ridden, realize that I have stalled at the green light long enough to cause us all to wait for the next one... well... I dare not think of such a scenario. The thought of being honked at while the light is still green is unpleasant enough.

But in the end, good sir, I should express my gratitude that none of these nightmarish scenarios came to fruition. You did eventually finish crossing, and I was able to make my turn while the light was still green, surely to the delight of all the drivers behind me, who were then given the chance to bask in the freedom granted by that blessed green light.

But next time, good sir, please do not tempt fate like this. I took a bullet for you today. I could have just ignored you, and passed in front of you, and forced you to continue to wait at that crosswalk like almost any other driver would have. But, even knowing it would upset the rest of the herd and that they would take it out on me, I chose to do the right thing... and then you held up traffic, a most despicable crime that surely the drivers behind me would all assume is most-assuredly the fault of the absent-minded millennial sitting still at the green light.

So please, good sir, my humble request is that, after such kindness has been paid to you, you can pay it forward and pass a similar act of kindness on to others -- by never making me, or any other driver, go through this whole ordeal ever again.

Thank you, good sir. :)

 

[An Otaku]

I don't like people who think being mean is funny. I'm sick of this, "Chill out. Learn how to take a joke." Why don't you learn how to make one, asshole.

I really try to leave people alone because I'm not good at talking or things, and I just want others to respect that. But I don't think anyone respects me, probably because I'm too quiet and have different interests than the "norm." I don't want to be a fucking recluse but you people are doing a good job of encouraging it.

P.S. This is NOT about anyone on Iwaku or Discord or nothing. IRL stuff.

 

[Shiri]

There is a person who is trying really hard to be my friend, but their personality and the things they say tick me off in the worst ways. They try to push that they are "weirder" than everyone else and that it somehow elevates them socially. My friends are a pretty diverse circle of weirdos so we all just kind of roll our eyes at attempts to match our limits. If that was the extent of it I think they'd be manageable, but they also keep trying to ask me about my private life and repeatedly insulted one of my closest friends both in front of his face and behind his back.

The recent one was that one of my other friends decided to crossdress at a convention. The new "friend" acted like it was a huge travesty and I'm like...you know I am a crossdresser on regular days, right? The fact that you find it so insulting that he is crossdressing at a special occasion is beyond backwards to me. Were you trying to show off in front of me thinking that I'm some sort of elitist? I'm not, it's just a clothing choice for me. I just happen to feel better in a suit, tie, and suspenders. It's me being me. Seriously though, what is so bad about my friend crossdressing once a year and why would you complain to me of all people? I should have shut the conversation down and left, but I was early in a very long line...I wouldn't have gotten in otherwise. So I just toughed it out and let this rage stew.

Now they want to play games with me on PSN, which again, would be manageable on it's own, but they are trying to get me to force my friends into adding them. Um, no. I can let them know that you have interest, but I'm not going to force them, sorry. It's not because you are "too weird" it's because you are too rude.

 

[junebug]

I lost my job and no one ever thought about telling me what was wrong until my manager told me.

 

[Kagayours]

On the one hand, putting work before play seems like the responsible and mature thing to do. And I want to feel good about making that responsible and mature decision which will benefit me in the future.

But on the other hand, I feel like I'm willfully denying myself a lot of things that I really enjoy and really care about because it seems more important to be doing work. And I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to be cutting myself off from fun hobbies and social experiences for that reason.

But when I do loosen up and let myself have more fun... then I'm neglecting other, more important things. And I feel guilty about not doing those things. Or if I manage to avoid feeling guilty and actually just plain enjoy things, I'll still be beating myself up about it later when I've crashed and my meds have worn off and I have homework that isn't done because I decided to do something fun with friends when I could've instead been doing something productive.

But if I apply the self-discipline that seems so necessary in my life, that seems like the right thing to do... then I feel like I'm just not letting myself enjoy anything, except until maybe the tail end of the day -- at which point, I'm just a shut-in who spends 90% of her day being a workaholic and 10% playing video games by herself. And an hour or two of Breath of the Wild doesn't feel nearly as emotionally satisfying as all the things I know I'm giving up.

I just don't know how to be a mature and responsible adult without feeling like I'm resigning to a sad and unfulfilling life, where I wonder what the point of working so hard is if there's hardly anything left to enjoy after all that.

...

Of course, the fact that having a "fulfilling life" means satisfying X, Y, and Z childish desires, and the fact that apparently I can't suck it up and live a normal adult life without making it sound like a fucking tragedy, are all things that I realize must sound completely pathetic and ridiculous and childish, and, don't worry, I already fucking hate myself for it. You don't have to tell me how much of a loser I'm being. I already know that it takes a grade-A privileged cunt like myself to be so worked up about something as trivial as this when I've never had to deal with any real problems.

And of course, all of that knowledge just gives me another reason to hate myself.

But that's a story for another day, I suppose.

 

[Greenie]

[spoili]Happiness comes in waves...
And the non important stuff seem to weigh so heavy on the heart. Even after you think it's gone, it's really not, because you smile but you still feel it inside, a lump that just gets heavier and heavier until your eyes water and there's nothing left to do but cry because of something dumb that you could actually use to your advantage...

Yay, a run on sentence. Heh. SMH[/spoili]

I wanna write but my brain's like NOPE not today, listen to sappy songs instead.

 

[Shiri]

My laptop is trying to die. It's been something I've been trying to prepare for since winter but *sigh* it's still a lot of money to drop suddenly.

 

[Sidhe]

Went from a migraine to gastric distress in one day. Mmm so wonderful

 

[Kagayours]

If I come here and rant about tiny things, then I feel like I must come across like some dumb privileged twat who turns complete non-issues into complete tragedies and goes out of her way to find stuff to be upset about.

If I come here and rant about big things, then I look like I'm a complete emotional mess who should probably be seeking out a better emotional outlet than the rant thread.

If I rant privately to specific friends, then I feel bad about using them as an emotional dumping ground. Also, I feel like I'm being a pity-whore, especially when I compulsively reject anyone's attempts at comforting me.

And, yes, I know I should start seeing a therapist regularly again and I really am working on making that happen. But there are a few hurdles I need to get over in order to make that happen, and that's a bit of a struggle right now. And I just wish I had someplace to get some stuff off my chest in the meantime -- but I can't do that without being reminded, either directly or indirectly, that if I was a responsible and competent person who was remotely capable of functioning like an adult, then I would've found a way to prioritize the whole therapist thing and make it work.

And if I try to explain what's holding me back, then I just feel like I'm making excuses for myself (especially since the most obvious response to most of what I could say is "just try harder", to which I'd like to be able to say "it's not that simple", but then I feel like I'm just being a whiny special snowflake who's refusing to accept that it really is that simple). And if I don't try to explain myself, then it's like... well, they're totally right, there's no excuse for my shortcomings. Just like there's no excuse for any of my shortcomings. I'm a failure and that's the end of that story.

And what all of this amounts to is: it seems like I can't talk to anyone about my problems, without making myself feel worse in some way. Whether it's because I feel like a whiny asshole for even getting worked up about these things, or because I feel like an incompetent mess for even being so stressed out about the small stuff, or because I feel like talking about the bigger problems in my life is really not an ok thing to share with people because then I'm, at best, a pity whore, and, at worst, I'm a toxic presence in other people's lives because of all the negative emotions I'm dumping on them. Also, it seems like any attempt that anyone has at comforting me or offering advice somehow just makes me feel worse about something that's already been eating away at me. And I realize that can't be the fault of anyone who tries to help me, either. I apparently can't have a conversation about my emotions without turning it into a reason to hate myself. And... I would love to not do that, I really would. But it just sort of happens?? And, in and of itself, my tendency to do that is another reason to hate myself. I'm apparently very defeatist and would rather wallow in self-pity than accept help. And I do try to pull myself out of that. But it doesn't help when A) I feel like I'm on my own, even though it's entirely my own fault that I don't have any help, and B) the fact that I'm wallowing in self-pity... is, in and of itself, a negative quality about myself, and I feel like a terrible person for allowing myself to remain in this state and being apparently incapable (or perhaps just unwilling) to do anything about it, and that just brings me... more self-pity.

And the whole thing just makes me feel like I should shut up and deal with things quietly and by myself like an adult. Clearly I'm making mountains out of molehills and 99% of my problems would vanish if I just stopped giving myself problems in the form of these self-defeating thought patterns, right?

But then, first of all, I feel like I'm just bottling everything up. And obviously that isn't healthy.

And second of all... I feel like I'm kind of giving myself this mindset of "you have to toughen up and just do things, and if you can't do things then that's all your fault because a responsible person would've done better". Which can sort of be a motivator, when it doesn't make me push myself to unhealthy levels (or is it actually unhealthy??? maybe I'm just a Tumblrina who can't handle being taken out of her comfort zone and thinks that the world should accommodate me instead of me needing to work harder to accommodate myself), but then at the same time, if I fail at doing what I set out to do... then I really have no one to blame but myself. And then I feel like an absolute failure. A failure who is beyond help.

And that same mindset, when applied to where I see myself being in 5-10 years...? It has led me down some very dark places before. Because it leaves me feeling convinced that I just can't survive in the world. I'm just not good enough. And I can't get far enough to support myself -- at least not without begging for handouts and special treatment. But, God, I certainly can't do any of that. Because that makes me such a pathetic and terrible person that I'd rather die on my own than live because I'm forcing others to accommodate me.

And of course -- and this is the part where we come full circle -- the fact that I've managed to arrive at this "I'd rather die" conclusion, over struggles that, to any sane person, would probably sound like the most trivial and ridiculous first world problems... just gives me another reason to feel like a pathetic and defective piece of shit, and a privileged twat who curls up and cries at the very sight of the real world. And I certainly shouldn't be delving into the details of how such small things led to these feelings of helplessness, because who the hell wants to hear some insufferable bitch whine about how hard it is to be a privileged white girl? Y'all deserve better than what I have to offer.

 

[Joan]

-snip-

 

[Dusk]

I'm sorry for caring about things, I'll try to do a better job not to in the future.

 

[Ryeniumine]

I find it very hard to not think about the little things and mentally fight with myself about it.

This forces an involuntary argument to take place in my head, that the intensity of the internal disagreement even manages to reach my physical body.

So if it looks like I'm trying to punch something while my face forms an expression of cringe, take note that I'm either mentally fighting over a badly written message, or the fact that I still remember the time when I couldn't finished that stupid test from months ago.

 

[Kagayours]

I'm so tired. But I haven't even done that much today.

Am I just... burnt out? Already?

That isn't a good sign.

 

[An Otaku]

If I come here and rant about tiny things, then I feel like I must come across like some dumb privileged twat who turns complete non-issues into complete tragedies and goes out of her way to find stuff to be upset about.

If I come here and rant about big things, then I look like I'm a complete emotional mess who should probably be seeking out a better emotional outlet than the rant thread.

If I rant privately to specific friends, then I feel bad about using them as an emotional dumping ground. Also, I feel like I'm being a pity-whore, especially when I compulsively reject anyone's attempts at comforting me.

And, yes, I know I should start seeing a therapist regularly again and I really am working on making that happen. But there are a few hurdles I need to get over in order to make that happen, and that's a bit of a struggle right now. And I just wish I had someplace to get some stuff off my chest in the meantime -- but I can't do that without being reminded, either directly or indirectly, that if I was a responsible and competent person who was remotely capable of functioning like an adult, then I would've found a way to prioritize the whole therapist thing and make it work.

And if I try to explain what's holding me back, then I just feel like I'm making excuses for myself (especially since the most obvious response to most of what I could say is "just try harder", to which I'd like to be able to say "it's not that simple", but then I feel like I'm just being a whiny special snowflake who's refusing to accept that it really is that simple). And if I don't try to explain myself, then it's like... well, they're totally right, there's no excuse for my shortcomings. Just like there's no excuse for any of my shortcomings. I'm a failure and that's the end of that story.

And what all of this amounts to is: it seems like I can't talk to anyone about my problems, without making myself feel worse in some way. Whether it's because I feel like a whiny asshole for even getting worked up about these things, or because I feel like an incompetent mess for even being so stressed out about the small stuff, or because I feel like talking about the bigger problems in my life is really not an ok thing to share with people because then I'm, at best, a pity whore, and, at worst, I'm a toxic presence in other people's lives because of all the negative emotions I'm dumping on them. Also, it seems like any attempt that anyone has at comforting me or offering advice somehow just makes me feel worse about something that's already been eating away at me. And I realize that can't be the fault of anyone who tries to help me, either. I apparently can't have a conversation about my emotions without turning it into a reason to hate myself. And... I would love to not do that, I really would. But it just sort of happens?? And, in and of itself, my tendency to do that is another reason to hate myself. I'm apparently very defeatist and would rather wallow in self-pity than accept help. And I do try to pull myself out of that. But it doesn't help when A) I feel like I'm on my own, even though it's entirely my own fault that I don't have any help, and B) the fact that I'm wallowing in self-pity... is, in and of itself, a negative quality about myself, and I feel like a terrible person for allowing myself to remain in this state and being apparently incapable (or perhaps just unwilling) to do anything about it, and that just brings me... more self-pity.

And the whole thing just makes me feel like I should shut up and deal with things quietly and by myself like an adult. Clearly I'm making mountains out of molehills and 99% of my problems would vanish if I just stopped giving myself problems in the form of these self-defeating thought patterns, right?

But then, first of all, I feel like I'm just bottling everything up. And obviously that isn't healthy.

And second of all... I feel like I'm kind of giving myself this mindset of "you have to toughen up and just do things, and if you can't do things then that's all your fault because a responsible person would've done better". Which can sort of be a motivator, when it doesn't make me push myself to unhealthy levels (or is it actually unhealthy??? maybe I'm just a Tumblrina who can't handle being taken out of her comfort zone and thinks that the world should accommodate me instead of me needing to work harder to accommodate myself), but then at the same time, if I fail at doing what I set out to do... then I really have no one to blame but myself. And then I feel like an absolute failure. A failure who is beyond help.

And that same mindset, when applied to where I see myself being in 5-10 years...? It has led me down some very dark places before. Because it leaves me feeling convinced that I just can't survive in the world. I'm just not good enough. And I can't get far enough to support myself -- at least not without begging for handouts and special treatment. But, God, I certainly can't do any of that. Because that makes me such a pathetic and terrible person that I'd rather die on my own than live because I'm forcing others to accommodate me.

And of course -- and this is the part where we come full circle -- the fact that I've managed to arrive at this "I'd rather die" conclusion, over struggles that, to any sane person, would probably sound like the most trivial and ridiculous first world problems... just gives me another reason to feel like a pathetic and defective piece of shit, and a privileged twat who curls up and cries at the very sight of the real world. And I certainly shouldn't be delving into the details of how such small things led to these feelings of helplessness, because who the hell wants to hear some insufferable bitch whine about how hard it is to be a privileged white girl? Y'all deserve better than what I have to offer.

I know it's not any consolation, but I do understand. Maybe not exactly what you're going through, but I empathize with everything written here.

I'm not sure how much it comforts me personally hearing someone go through life in such a similar way, and I dunno.... At the very least, you aren't some one of a kind deal. So... I guess...

It isn't just you, you know?

And I mean that in a kind way. In, in case that maybe sounds mean. Like, that it isn't your fault for being a certain way since if others can be that way too, then.... um. Yeah, I'm the worst at this sorta thing.

... Ok.

I do think it's important to enjoy yourself, however you can. Whatever keeps you going, yeah? Even if others think it's dumb, or even hate it. Maybe even hate you. It's definitely probable some people put their joy lifelines in the wrong place, but... you're you. So, no matter how guilty you feel, do enjoy the good feelings. Or even just the lack of bad ones, too.

(￣ω￣(。。 )ゝ


P.S. I'll delete this post if it's a bother or anything.

 

[Kagayours]

I do think it's important to enjoy yourself, however you can. Whatever keeps you going, yeah? Even if others think it's dumb, or even hate it. Maybe even hate you. It's definitely probable some people put their joy lifelines in the wrong place, but... you're you. So, no matter how guilty you feel, do enjoy the good feelings. Or even just the lack of bad ones, too.

It's not that I feel self-conscious about the things I like. It's that I feel guilty about doing anything fun when I could be doing work, because then it's like -- I have no right to say that I'm "swamped" and complain about my workload, because it's obviously my fault that I'm struggling due to how I've obviously procrastinated and didn't prioritize the important stuff I should be doing. There are times when I'm all like "self-care is letting yourself enjoy things once in a while uwu", but then it's like... I feel like I wind up going kind of overboard with it. Like I'm too eager to give myself a break when I should be pushing through and working harder.

But then, of course, when I don't give myself as many breaks and I just keep on pushing myself, I find myself getting overworked and burnt out... but I just burn out so easily that it's like, if I actually gave myself a break every time I got burnt out, I just wouldn't be able to be productive enough to survive in the world.

 

[Shiri]

So...my state's DHS wants to deny coverage for 3 months. This should not be a thing. "Oh, it'll save us money!" Yeah, and kill off the poor people who can't pay for overpriced medications. I've been denied before, I don't want to return to that territory. Staring death in the face is not a good place to be.