what the fuck is a 'healthy' diet
certainly not mine, in its current state, I realize that, but so much of my time is spent obsessing over food. yet depending on who you speak to, 'healthy food' or a 'healthy diet' will be different.
you have what I shall call 'regular' vegans who think simply eating a plant-based diet is healthy.
then you have raw vegans who think it is only healthy if you don't cook your shit.
then you have the people who think you can't eat any grains or wheat or anything because they're all the devil for XYZ reason, because of these few studies that because I am not trained or educated I can never really tell if they're legit or not and I should believe them
and then you have the keto dieters who think carbs are the devil but you can eat as much fat and protein as you want, that's the healthy diet, you shouldn't eat carbs, carbs are bad. I mean I don't believe this one, I really don't, but I still think about it.
I love fish, but right now I shouldn't eat fish because of toxins in the water? all right well I don't want to ingest toxic things, but how do I really know that the things I buy don't have toxins? should I just grow all my own food?
I like eggs, but eggs have certain acids that are proven to cause cancer or something, and cholesterol is bad. all dietary cholesterol is bad, you should not have any.
it's obsessive. destructive. it's a new facet of a very old eating disorder that just completely takes me over. but I'm overwhelmed and frightened. I want to eat 'healthy' but how the hell do I know what 'healthy' is when it changes every goddamn week, and varies from person to person. fat is bad! no, wait, now it's sugar. salt is bad! well no, now salt isn't as bad as we thought. wheat is bad, it makes you fat! don't eat bread!
and I get so overwhelmed and depressed and scared that I just go to the store and buy cookies and eat them all in a sitting and I'm back at square one.
either that or I spend over an hour in the grocery store, staring at everything, scrutinizing it, agonizing, end up overloading myself with anxiety to the point I have a panic attack and walk out with either nothing or a single bag of carrots because what else can I eat?
I wish I didn't have to eat. I hate food. I hate my body. I hate my brain. I hate myself.