RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I had/have some blood blisters. They split open on their own and on the one hand, at least they'll drain and go away, but on the other hand, so much blood.

Just what I wanted as I got ready for bed

Gross.
 
Someone on my friend list in League sent me a fake suspension notice. I accept invites if I had at least one good game with you. Don't break that trust.

I am not in the mood for fraud and I am not afraid to contact support.
 
Grrr! Movie critics suck dead monkey balls. Seriously, I've been waiting for this movie ever since they announced it. I've read every update and article about it. Yes, I know I sound like a crazy person, but I don't care. I'm just going to keep telling myself that reviews don't matter. Every movie I've liked has gotten shitty reviews. But damn it! I was just hoping that I'd hear at least one good thing about it. :(
 
My cat needs a playmate. I definitely don't want another cat. I could get a dog about the same size as him. But I am soooooooooooooooooo not ready for that commitment. x_x
 
May have just found out that my scholarship didn't pay for my tuition for two classes because someone didn't enter it in? Not exactly what I want to find out on my birthday, so I'm hoping that's not the case but that's what it looks like.
 
welp. found out that what we thought was a pseudocyst on my pancreas is actually a tumor. fun fun. at least the doctors don't think it's cancerous yet.
 
I think my brother might be drunk and I am Not Comfortable™ with any aspect of this situation.
 
I ah. I don't want to say this is like a rant or anything, but I don't feel too good about it...

One of the few friends I have, I think they hate me. Or, well, are just done with me overall. And that's fair. I'm not the best person, I'm not even sure I'm a particularly good one either, but... that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I like that on Iwaku, I've been able to make a few friends -- I hope they're friends -- but, I don't know. It was sort of going down this path for a while... that, I just feel numb about it. And I don't like that. We've done so much together, but... he doesn't like me anymore. And I'm, I feel more apathetic than I'd like about it.

Friendships go away and stuff, I know that. And I think being on Iwaku's changed me for the better, at least I feel more comfortable this way. But I also think my general behavior, its seeped through into other parts of me, and I think that's why he doesn't like me anymore. Anyway, this is me just mostly being upset about the situation, nothing else or anything. He's probably better off without me. And I hope he is, honestly. He deserves good things I think.

I guess this is my way of emotionally saying good-bye. Like, somehow I'm finding acceptance or whatever through writing this. I don't know how I feel about that, it sort of seems like I'm cheating or just being a bad person. I, I don't think I am, though. I just hope he's happy...
 
lol I hate my body so much

working out might make it a little better

but it will still always be Wrong. that will never change, no matter how many miles I run, or how many weights I lift
 
... on a less serious note...

Neople, why you remove BreakDown from arena play?

I needs muh BreakDowns...

And why you nerf Secret Sword Art: Bludgeon ver.?

Do you hate the head-whaps, Neople?
 
Just when I thought I just barely had a grip on the situation and was just barely managing to do enough to finally put myself on a good track... this happens.

Fuuuuck. I don't need this.
 
Ugh...I hate those days where I'm basically completely out of it and get nothing done. -__- oh well I'm gonna go finish some things now if my brain doesn't derp out on me again...
 
Apparently I had a hostipal appointment yesterday....woops.
 
Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuuuuuuuuuck.

Just give me my goddamn medication already. ;_;
 
I had myself all ready to go to youth group after months of not going to even regular church...and then I remembered that basically none of the people I know go there anymore...and we're going to a pool and the temperature dropped today and freaking cold urticaria makes it possible I won't be able to do anything...and my dad can't come with me like I was planning because he has a migraine...and now I'm depressed and can't even motivate myself to do my schoolwork which I was supposed to start two hours ago...

...

Brain, why do you do this to me?
 
I just caught up with the recent news around North Korea and the US. Fuuuuuuuuck. Good thing my town is riddled with bomb shelters, I guess.

*drowns out the world with League*
 
That moment when you have a youtube video paused in another tab, and then you accidentally close that tab, and then you use the "recently closed tabs" thingy on your browser to pull the video back up again, only to find that it is suddenly much shorter than it was before. And you can't finish watching the video because it now cuts off at a point that you already watched well past.

That is incredibly bizarre and I have never seen anything like it happen before. Also I'm disappointed that I now can't finish watching the video because the rest of it has apparently disappeared into the aether. >.> (Seriously though how does a youtube video suddenly just... become shorter??)
 
Sooo why is it that I only wake up at 10am?

Go to bed at 10pm: Wake up 10am.
Go to bed at 2am: Wake up 10am.

What is going on here? And worse, I went to bed early 'cause I was tired. And then I woke up - at 10am... still tired. I got 12 hours of sleep?
I mean, even going to bed at 2am, waking up at 10am that's 8 hours of sleep. I shouldn't be having any sort of sleepiness at all??

Maybe the blackout curtains are fucking my shit up and I should start waking up with the sun again?
That's the only thing I can think of.
 
When you get on a voice call and hear your "friends" talking about you :) :) :) And we're supposed to hang out? I bought a plane ticket for what? Lol. I should have gotten the insurance and cancelled, but now I'm just SOL.
 
Bouts of self-loathing are so fucking wonderful.
Being a burden to those around you is so fun.
Worrying about what your friends are most likely complaining about because you're emotionally fucked up is always a good time.

Saying the wrong thing at the wrong times and expecting to lose everyone, just like always, it just the perfect thing to have happen.
Especially as it makes you feel worthless and invisible while also feeling like you're in the middle of a crowd just to draw the fire.

I'm getting sick of feeling shitty over stupid shit.
I hate feeling like I don't matter when I know I have no right.
I'm sick of just being a worthless piece of shit.

And the worst part is that I hate how I always get this way around certain events through the year.
I know that, and I wonder how much of this depressive swing of my bipolar has to do with the fact that it's my birthday on Sunday, yet we still haven't done the things we need to do for it. (Such as getting a cake. Whoop-dee-fucking-do, I'll most likely get stuck with whatever they happen to have in stock again this year. Hopefully they have something other than chocolate so I won't get sick on my own damn birthday cake again.)

And I loathe that I'm typing this out, since I just know I'm going to regret it later and most likely come back to delete or edit it all out to something else.
Because I'm a weak little bitch like that...
 
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