RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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anxiety is so bad.
don't want to eat sushi, my true love in life (lol), because fish might contain radiation. despite all the research i've done saying you'll get more radiation from getting an x-ray at the damn dentist than from eating like 1000 fish, nope. the anxiety won't go away

can't eat eggs either because apparently there's some amino acid in there that's gonna give you cancer ehHHHh whatever

going on a road trip with my mom at the beginning of august. last year I was so excited, nothing would stop me from feeling excited, but now all I can think of is all the ways I'm gonna die. my mom is like the safest driver ever!!! but nope. gonna veer off the road, catapulting to our deaths. gonna get squished by a semi. gonna get hit by an avalanche. did I mention gonna get squished by a semi? 'cos you're are. you're gonna get squished by a semi and you're never gonna see it coming.

like? this is our annual trip. I'm going to see my family in BC, my favourite place. but nope. can't relax.

can't go to the mall to get the new clothes i so desperately need cos it's gonna get bombed and i'm gonna die

gotta stop taking my pills cos who actually knows what they're doing to your body? they're gonna kill you, you gotta stop. and hey remember how PRODUCTIVE and GOOD you felt (other than y'know, the headache, and the drowsiness) when you forgot to refill your prescription that one time? isn't that a sign?

please at least just let me enjoy sushi
ughhhh
 
Jesus fucking Christ women. I love you but it is 1:30 in the morning and I am trying to sleep, stop fucking screeching.
 
Me: *bottling up my emotions so that I don't have to burden my friends with my problems and/or make attention-whoring posts on the internet*

Me: !!! wait no if you want to have healthy coping mechanisms and be emotionally stable then you shouldn't bottle your emotions up!!!

Me:
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Think I'm ready to crawl under a rock somewhere and live out the rest of my life. The idea of getting a houseboat and living in the middle of the ocean is starting to sound more and more appealing every damn day.
 
me: oh, I've been picking at this zit too much, it hurts now, I should stop

anxiety: lol you're going to get necrotizing fasciitis, there's no way the soreness of this zit is normal. good going. ur gonna die now.

me:
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'Still not a hazard'
'Not a hazard'
NOT A HAZARD

D, girl, what????

Just because the stack is technically not a fire hazard because it's away from the stove and it's technically not a safety hazard because it's out of the way and not really impeding anyone getting around the apartment, does not mean it's not a hazard.

You want to wait until it reaches the ceiling before getting rid of it - and your boyfriend suggested starting a second one when that happened and I like him, but I nearly slapped him - and it nearly does and it's just as sturdy as you'd expect a tower of that height to be - which is to say not at all. I can't even put my hand on the table without the stack teetering; what happens if it's a bad day and I stumble and I have to suddenly grab on to the table with my weight behind it?

It'll fall.

Yeah.

It has fallen on me twice already and I know both you and A are of the opinion that it's not that bad because it's cardboard but like, D, honey... I don't have balance. If something hits me, odds are that unless I manage to grab on to something, I'm gonna hit the floor even if it's not that heavy. The sound of it falling is enough to make me spasm - which makes the balance issue worse - and our kitchen is small. If I fall there, the risk of me hitting my head off the counter or stove is incredibly high.

Not to mention it's gross. Why do you even want a stack of pizza boxes that large. Like, really? Why? And jokingly saying 'it's art' or 'because' is not an answer. If you want it that badly, put it in your room and get it out of the kitchen.

Just because it's not a hazard to you, doesn't mean it's a hazard. Jesus Christ - I hope it falls on you next time. Maybe then you'll get rid of it
 
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Woke up feeling super achey and spacey... something tells me I'm going to have a hard time getting things done today.

And even if I do somehow get everything done that I need to do today -- I don't know how I'm going to even be able to tolerate playing Pokemon Go with my legs aching this badly, even if there happens to be a legendary raid relatively close-by. >< And the clock is ticking on Articuno's availability... urghh...
 
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So apparently I don't test anything I work on? Excuse me? I'very been having full on breakdowns at work for a month now and this is what I'm told? And "everyone's talking"? Maybe to each other but almost never to me. I'm starting to get to a point that I hate everything about my job. I hate the office, I hate the building, I hate people I work with, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being worthless.
 
It feels so weird to exist right now. I don't like it.
 
All of a sudden I feel... quite lonely.

I would say "I don't know how that happened", but... I kind of do. :/
 
it's kind of frustrating though, not feeling anything
 
All I did was eat some pineapple. It wasn't off or bad or anything, I'm not allergic to it, so why do I feel like I'm dying???
 
Sometimes, people leave you.

Sometimes, someone you loved, someone you cared about, wakes up the next day an entirely different person.

They'll tell you things like "I just don't feel that way anymore". "No, I wasn't lying. I did love you. I just don't now.".

And if they're especially cruel.

If they're particularly nasty.

They'll do the worst thing imaginable...

... and tell you it wasn't your fault.

They'll tell you they can't explain it. They'll tell you they don't know why.

What they won't tell you, however, is that it's wrong. They'll tell you this is them now. They'll tell you this is who they want to be now.

They won't look back on the time you've spent together, and think for a moment "these are precious memories. I want to keep these forever. And you, I want to keep YOU forever.".

Even if that is how YOU feel. Even if that is what YOU say.

Even as you fall to pieces before their very eyes they simply watch you in confusion, and growing frustration.

As if they can't possibly fathom the reason that you're dying inside and it feels like your world is being destroyed.

An utter lack of empathy. An utter lack of logic. It defies reality.

It is at this moment that you may question the very nature of the universe. It's ridiculousness. It's absurdity.

It will make you sad. It will make you furious. It will drive you insane.

And it won't go away.

The insanity will stay with you. The questions will linger.

"No, it doesn't make sense. She must've been mad about X. Or maybe she hated when I said X. Or maybe she was lying?"

But no matter how you try to reason it in your head, there's no reason for it.

And as that truth settles in. Logically, you pray it will bring you comfort.

But it only brings you further sadness. Further anger. Further insanity.

In the end, your only course of action is to embrace that insanity, for in the darkest times it can make sense of the senseless. It can make logic out of absurdity. It can give a point to the pointless. It can even make joy out of cruelty.

And beyond all reason, at the very least, it can keep you alive, and make you feel sane.

Does that seem odd to you?
 
That feel when you're trying to play video games to get your mind off of the ongoing family drama that's making you really uncomfortable, but the family drama is weighing so heavily on your mind that you can't focus well enough to understand any of the dialogue... or process the words in your quest log... making it almost impossible to follow the main story, much less get invested in it, which kind of makes it hard to use it as a form of escapism.

On a more positive note: the Switch's ability to so quickly transform into a handheld console is really nifty. And I will be very thankful for its ability to do that if/when a fight breaks out in the living room later tonight.
 
Not everyone is meant to make new friends.
Myself included.
 
On one hand, I'm happy to finally have a long term solution. On the other, surgery before classes start was not the answer I expected.
 
All I feel is an overwhelming sense of guilt. It's normal to want to date. It's normal to have a wife and kid by the age of 30. I know my family only wants the best for me. They want what's normal for me, but I can't give them that. I've failed them.
 
As per the course, I got too comfortable with something and made a mistake. I think its sort of good for people to have humbling experiences because it can maybe stop them from doing something harmful in the future, but... I'm tired of having humbling experiences. They're too painful and too frequent.

I'm just so tired of it all.
 
My mom's job was threatened over her signing a paper for them and she doesn't even know what she signed. It's blantant coercion and there's nothing we can do about it now. Do what they say or else. I hate it.

During my trip someone told me they wished they lived in my town. I just laughed. Welcome to Parts Unknown where you crush the poor and spit on your neighbor. I wish this place was as beautiful as it looks. Unfortunately it's all skin deep.

#lowclassproblems
 
My new medication has made me feel too drowsy and a tad bit too dizzy at times.
 
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