RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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That moment when you're talking to someone who thinks they're being comforting and encouraging, but little do they know, not only do they sound incredibly patronizing, they're also only exacerbating the troubling emotions ([spoili]read: suicidal thoughts[/spoili]) that you've been having lately, along with numerous other mental health problems -- but you can't actually tell them that you feel this way, because that is what we would call ~emotionally manipulative~, and also, it would be incredibly unprofessional to throw all that baggage onto one of your superiors anyway.

Fuck my fucking life. And fuck that cunt of a professor, too.
 
Everything is always my fault. They tell me it's not, then they proceed to point fingers at me. So what am I supposed to do?
 
Sometimes I feel like it's best to be passive and not say anything, instead of taking action, because it always seems like everything I try to do, when I want to be better at standing up for myself and putting out my opinions in a way that's polite as possible, it all goes to waste.
 
Really starting to go back to hating myself. I never do anything right. All I want to do is be a good friend with no flaws. But that sort of shit isn't possible.
 
Yesterday I made a post in the "one good thing about today" thread where I said that things are finally starting to get better and how I hoped I didn't jinx it.

I JINXED IT. I JINXED IT REAAAL BAD. LIKE, MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND NOT EVEN BEING ABLE TO BRUSH MY TEETH IN THE MORNING BAD.

I also haven't eaten anything yet today (it's almost 1PM), and I really want to go eat lunch but I need to make sure this file fucking uploads to Google Drive because I need to get it uploaded before 2 o'clock and if I go eat lunch now then I won't have any sort of buffer room to save myself in case of technical difficulties or derpy wi-fi like what I'm currently experiencing and shsjdfklsjdfkls.

Also I feel like I should give some sort of apology/explanation to my professor so that she doesn't go on believing that I'm just a complete fucking mess who cries at every minor inconvenience and is completely incapable of "rolling with the punches". But I don't know how to explain myself without getting into my personal problems -- which would not only be unprofessional of me, but would also sound like I'm just making excuses for being such a fucking failure at everything... not to mention, I don't want to sound like I'm blaming her for my immense stress-levels, even if it's true, because, after all, she is just trying to prepare me for the "real world", where strokes of bad luck like the ones I've experienced today will fuck me over, even if they're not my fault, so... I'm not sure why she's even surprised that I broke down today like I did. After all, if this was the ~REAL WORLD~, then the combination of me setting my alarm wrong and her slow-ass computer that can't do jack shit would've left ME shit out of luck and possibly threatened my job. And if shit like this comes up, then it's my fault for not having a solution. BECAUSE I NEED TO BE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF FIXING EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG, EVEN WHEN I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT UP UNTIL THIS POINT AND I HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT THE COMPUTER WOULD FREEZE UP AND THERE'S LITERALLY NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING BEFORE THE DEADLINE WHICH IS RIGHT FUCKING THEN AND THERE. YEAH. OK.

And then you're telling me to "take a deep breath" and that I'll have to learn how to deal with this shit? WELL I WOULD HAVE, IF YOU HADN'T DRILLED IT INTO MY HEAD THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD BE THE FUCKING DEATH OF ME. EXCUSE ME FOR GETTING A TEENSY BIT STRESSED OUT, UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES.
 
ALSO I love how the only way I'm able to deal with anything and act "responsible" by getting done everything that I need to is by falling back on some incredibly unhealthy habits, plus depriving myself of sleep and proper nutrition -- and basically setting myself up for an early death before I turn 40. Either I don't survive, or... survive a bit longer, but suffer the whole way through and then still die young anyway.

I mean, shit, if we're getting philosophical over here, I guess you could argue that death is an inevitable outcome no matter what I do in life. I just wish I didn't have to put so much thought into what the least painful path to get to that point would be.
 
Dontcha just love it when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place? And that no matter what, you're the one who's getting the brunt?

*Bangs head on a brick wall*
 
Not a rant; I just didn't know where else to put this

Grandma didn't like my joke about eating some of her baked potato and actually trying to do it (because stuff that I do to my dad doesn't always work with her oops)
 
The occasional 'ugh I got anxious and accidentally bit off my thumb nail' nail biting has turned into 'now I'm just straight up biting my thumb nails'.

Please stop. You worked so hard to stop biting them, and just biting your thumb nails can so easily turn into 'just biting the rest of them' ...

Also writing is hard. More specifically, dialogue is hard.
 
No matter how hard I tell myself that it's okay, that I'm cool, that I've grown a thicker skin... it still flipping hurts. Suppose that's how life is. *blasts on some Akiko Shikata*
 
Every time I close my eyes I see him. I can hear him crying out, excited during feeding time. I can hear him pawing the round as he waits for me to come over and give him his morning greetings.

I can also see him fall back and hit his head. The place where he landed was covered in his blood, I can't get the dark spot out of my head. I can't stop thinking about it, I wish I could. I don't want to sleep, I'll just see him again and realize that he won't ever be giving me his usual chipper and happy nature. He won't ever look at me with that wonderful beg face. He won't nuzzle me when I'm upset. He won't make me laugh with his antics.

His stall might as well be empty, no matter which horse they put in there I'll never be able to look at them again. This is destroying me, I saw some shite I never wanted to see in my life and I have no idea how to take it back. It keeps replaying in my head, and there's no tell when it'll stop.

I'm going to go insane before the end of it.
 
I'm going to pull my hair out. When I say I'm not interested in an rp anymore, when I say I'm doubtful, when I fucking say, I'm not really feeling it anymore, I MEAN IT SO LEAVE ME ALONE. >:(
 
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I need a new body. One minute I feel great, the next I feel like someone is grinding my ovaries to a pulp. ;w;
 
Mother of hell I am sick of being so ill all the time. Any motion, walking to riding in a car I get sick.
 
"You need to cut negativity out of your life and leave your problems at the door."

YOU ARE A SOURCE OF NEGATIVITY IN MY LIFE. And leaving my problems at the door is a little bit difficult when MY PROBLEMS START WHEN I ENTER THAT DOOR.

I already cut one negative person out of my life just yesterday. I was happy about that. But at least he was only an online friend that I an easily cut all ties with. You are not. I have no choice but to continue interacting with you. And that makes it a little bit difficult to cut ties.
 
"This looks like it was a last-minute job. Am I right?"

NO, YOU'RE NOT. I WORKED MY ASS OFF. I PUSHED MYSELF TO THE LIMIT. I SKIPPED MEALS, STOPPED SHOWERING, LOST SLEEP, AND OVERUSED MY OWN MEDICATION TO FINISH THAT, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDED TO BE DONE. I HAVE BEEN RUNNING ON FUMES THIS WHOLE SEMESTER WITH NO TIME TO REST. AND YOU THINK THAT I JUST PROCRASTINATED AND DID IT ALL AT THE LAST MINUTE???

Give me a low grade if you think I deserve it. I'll accept that. But just remember -- that was honestly the best I could do, given the circumstances. And I was not being lazy. I have been anything but.
 
And you have the gaul to tell me I should "take a deep breath, get some rest, and put myself first"?

BITCH, WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO??? IF I HAD GIVEN MYSELF SOME REST, THEN MY PROJECT WOULD'VE LOOKED EVEN MORE RUSHED. YOU'RE THE REASON I'VE BEEN PUSHING MYSELF LIKE THIS. YOU'RE THE REASON I'VE BEEN SO STRESSED. BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I WOULD HAVE TO DO THIS TO MYSELF IN ORDER TO GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE!!!!

I can either complete everything that I need to get done, or I can give myself some rest and self-care. Doing either of these things automatically means neglecting the other. You have to pick one.
 
This is why I don't try :)
 
Blah. Stuff gets a little better before it all comes crashing down again, every time. Makes me scared to be happy.
 
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