RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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The skies are poring down. I'm soaked. I just got sick on the train. (Sorry other passengers) The train I had to take back immediately was delayed by twenty minutes. I'm in massive amounts of stomach pain. Now I'm finally home so I shall hopefully just die.
 
God damn it Zebadiah! Stay out of the fucking cat box. You puked cat shite EVERYWHERE -.-

And this face says it all.
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I keep agreeing to extra hours in work just because I can't say no fml
 
I am very unhappy with my appearance. Not just weight, which I am dissatisfied with - even if I'm not overweight, I'm still the heaviest I've ever been - but just... general appearances. And yet I have no real idea how I could possibly change myself to 'feel' right. I just know that the person I see in the mirror... that's not me. And I hate it.
 
Honestly can't even properly see the screen right now, my eyes are so filled with tears.

How do I always get misunderstood? Why do the wrong words always come out?

Today was going so great. Now I hate it, I hate myself. My throat hurts, my eyes and nose are running, my head is heavy and achy.

Maybe it'd be best if I was gone. Anywhere.
 
Wrong flight because airport messed up, delayed to Hawaii :(
 
Everything. Absolutely everything I say, write, make across any medium. No matter what, as long as I'm behind it.

It always has this flair of immaturity, of unprofessionality, of childishness.

As if articulation wasn't hard enough before.
 
NOTHING LIKE A NIGHT OF DEALING WITH YOUR EX GETTING ALCOHOL POISONING AND PUKING A WATERFALL ALL OVER YOUR BATHROOM FLOOR.

...EXCEPT FINDING OUT YOUR EX SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN YOUR BED WITH NO PANTS. :| SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT I GUESS.
 
Why why why why WHY do parents send sick kids to school? WHY?
 
Got some serious brain fog going on today.
 
My mother is an ass. I hate it when she tries to say I should do work, shit I get paid for, for my brothers' whims. no fuck that. I will let him pick my brain but no work. Unlike her I'm not afraid to actually call cops when needed and I'm not afraid to involve an impartial third party for bickering. I'm not her!. She always makes me out to be some monster! I SIT FOR EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS A DAY PROGRAMMING. I WILL NOT BE AT EVERYONE'S BECK AND CALL GOD DAMNIT.
 
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My dog is nine years old, he has hip and joint problems. The elevator is broken, again. I found out today that it has been broken for the entire day.

They take time to fix, I get that. But this has been happening EVERY fucking week. They 'fix' it and then it goes back to getting stuck again. You can't fix everything with duct tape (seriously, that's what they used to fix the bloody thing), there are people in this building that can't go up stairs. My dog struggled really badly, he's in a massive amount of pain right now.

Fuck you building management, fuck you.
 
[spoili] I'm in a terrible place and I feel like I'm bothering everyone, like I'm on a free fall in an endless well and the walls are covered in broken glass and rusty nails. I really need to get my shit together... [/spoili]
 
You know what man? Go to hell. Seriously, this is about the only time I am this serious about telling you off.

I know that I fucked up that one time, I really did. I have been working hard to get better, to create a better life for myself and be a better me. I have tried hard, slipped up a bit but I keep on trying. But you, and the rest of you, haven't made me feel welcome. It took me a while to realize something; you haven't treated me like you want me to come back. For the longest time I lied to myself, I let myself believe that you were just being distant. But with your boyfriend constantly insulting me, and the feeling that I am not welcome at your D&D sessions, I don't think you have forgiven me.

I have money, and that's why you want me around. I'm tired of feeling this alone. And another thing; when I post on my own fucking timeline about my own damn opinion, I'm not directing it towards anyone.

I said that I hate it when people tell me that everything happens for a reason. I explained why, without saying that 'this is why I hate it' because I didn't think that I needed to because I wasn't posting it as a reply to someone else. I wasn't posting it on someone else's timeline. I posted it on mine, and no I didn't say that people who believed that things happened for a reason were wrong. I just posted what i thought, which last I checked was my right. You are doing the same thing that you claim that I was doing. Human decency? Understanding? That's a lot coming from you.

You can't see the abuse my sister brings me through because you've got this idea that I'm some sort of monster. That I can never be good enough. I'll get you your money, and then I'm gone. I deactivated my account because I thought I needed a break, not because of this but thank you for assuming that I did it just because of this. I was spending too much time on it, and I felt that taking a break and going on vacation was a good idea. but you've completely made this about you and blew things up.

I never noticed it but you all were hesitant to help me move even though I spent a work night helping you guys move. And you won't help me, not without serious hesitation.

I'm done, thanks for taking whatever happiness I had left away. I officially have no friends in real life anymore. I feel alone, I feel hated and attacked. I didn't actually make a shot at anyone. I posted one opinion, it didn't make it right or wrong. It wasn't telling people that they were wrong, it was me saying that i don't like something and why but it wasn't attacking anyone.

With friends like you, who needs enemies.
 
Thanksgiving is possibly the most stressful holiday of the year. My family is beyond broken by the hands of my older siblings. They go out of their way to make everything difficult on me and my parents. One of my siblings is having their ex over. Their ex who broke their heart MULTIPLE times, but nevermind that, they invited them any way. The other sibling can't look after their kids. Period. They just sleep all the time and let the kids have run of the house. And they want the kids to be here overnight. It's a well known fact that I do not like these kids. They've broken everything from windows, to fans, to doors, to lights. I don't want them here unsupervised at night. And I think that's pretty reasonable. But nooooo.

So now this is the last year we are having Thanksgiving in a family sense. And it's all because my siblings can't adult in their 40s. Not even sure we're going to have Xmas. Who knows. I can't bring myself to care anymore.
 
It's funny how depression sneaks up on you. You think you're okay and then suddenly you haven't cleaned the bathroom for three weeks and your roommate has to clean it while you were sleeping, because all you have been doing lately is sleeping and staring into space because being awake and active is too hard.

I will never be free from this, will I?
 
These last two weeks seem to be trying they're utmost best to keep my miserable. It working too. I even have an upset stomach now. Yay. I wish it was Friday already.
 
It's very frustrating when you're still not over someone and they still continuously flirt with you and tell you how much they still care for you and all this shit. But when you express that you're interested in working things out they tell you it'd be pointless. BUT THEY STILL CALL YOU ALL THE NICKNAMES THEY HAD GIVEN YOU.

x_x
 
The one good thing I had going in my life, the one thing I've been looking forward to the most for the past 2 years and I have to wait even longer! I was all set for The Dark Tower to come out in Feb. I was ready to get my ticket the second they were on sale online...and now I have to wait until July! Fuck! July!! It's so depressing.....so much can happen before July with dumb ass Trump as president! I just hope I live long enough to see my damn movie. :(
 
Sorry to rant again in the same day. I feel pathetic.


I'm actually glad that I work on all holidays now. Family? Fucking please, they hate me. For whatever reason, they hate me. And now I have no friends to look forward to spending them with, the only 'people' I have are my dog Zeb and my cat Molly. That's fucking it, I don't have anyone else to enjoy my holidays with.

No cards, no dinners, nothing. At least work will keep my mind off it, I don't even care if my coworker is being a bitch. Hell, she'll be more of a pleasure to see than anyone else at this point. She is kind sometimes, and I can take sometimes over never. I was lied to, led to believe that I had friends. Now I am glad that I know the truth, I have nobody.

I'll set my tree up and wrap some boxes up to at least give myself something nice to look at when I get home. Maybe buy a DVD, make popcorn or some other shitty coping skill to deal with the fact that the people I had planned on spending my time with are complete assholes.

I know there are many out there with worse situations than me, and I feel ashamed that I am fussing over this so much but I just feel so isolated. I've had this happen to me before, time and time and time again but this time I have nobody to fall back on.


Sometimes I wish that I had never met anybody, never made friends and ran away as a child so that I would never get comfortable enough to think I deserved happiness.
 
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