Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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I have a confession. Something I'm afraid to reveal to The Asylum for obvious reasons.

I have a legitimate fear of clowns. Yes, even despite my love of Gamzee Makara, though that is due to the fact that he is the only clown that does not scare the living piss out of me. And then he gets sober and kills people.

Yeah, then he's scary.

And then he and Karkat hug. I'm okay again.

Bard Gamzee AKA Cod Tier Gamzee. That's a rather adorable outfit.

Selling troll blood

... Christ Jesus ...

So please, people, if you perhaps find my presence entertaining or something, limit clown depictions to Gamzee Makara. Otherwise, I'll be scared to fucking all rings of Hell, and I'll save a spot for you for being a dick about it.

HoNk hOnK
 
Can I not trust anyone?

You make it out that you want me to be your girlfriend, act all disappointed when I don't call you as soon as I get your phone number, and it was all a FARCE?!

I'd love to say that I was one step ahead of them, and I think I was, at least in some form. But, I honestly thought someone liked me enough to want to be with me. It's not as if we'd ever get anywhere though, jackass. First off, I've no interest in black guys, no matter what fraction white you are. I just don't find their appearances or personalities attractive in any sense. Second off, I think I'm lesbian. Or maybe asexual. I'm not sure yet. What good would a relationship be if it was going to be the same thing with R, where I hardly talk to you outside of formalities and the occasional get together at a school function?!

Equi, I tell myself, you don't need a man to tell you that you're beautiful. J and B and R are all there, telling you things like, You smell nice, or I love you,or You're smart, funny, beautiful. WHY DOES SOCIETY MAKE IT OUT THAT YOU MUST HAVE A BOYFRIEND TO BE HAPPY?!?!?!?! I'm perfectly content with being alone my whole life! No family drama, no need to show off a boyfriend or fiance to the parentals, no one to tie me down...

God...I miss J so much...I haven't seen her in person since July. God, how I long to be with her again, at least I know she has never truly lied to me. Sure, she's not told me everything about her, but it's nothing compared to the huge scale lie I've been telling her all these years.

B and R...I wish it was more obvious if you're hugs and 'I love you's are more than simply friendly, at least then I could actually figure out who the hell I am.

ARGH! CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING BIKE, WHY IS LOVE SO HARD?
 
EquinoxSol said:
Can I not trust anyone?

You make it out that you want me to be your girlfriend, act all disappointed when I don't call you as soon as I get your phone number, and it was all a FARCE?!

I'd love to say that I was one step ahead of them, and I think I was, at least in some form. But, I honestly thought someone liked me enough to want to be with me. It's not as if we'd ever get anywhere though, jackass. First off, I've no interest in black guys, no matter what fraction white you are. I just don't find their appearances or personalities attractive in any sense. Second off, I think I'm lesbian. Or maybe asexual. I'm not sure yet. What good would a relationship be if it was going to be the same thing with R, where I hardly talk to you outside of formalities and the occasional get together at a school function?!

Equi, I tell myself, you don't need a man to tell you that you're beautiful. J and B and R are all there, telling you things like, You smell nice, or I love you,or You're smart, funny, beautiful. WHY DOES SOCIETY MAKE IT OUT THAT YOU MUST HAVE A BOYFRIEND TO BE HAPPY?!?!?!?! I'm perfectly content with being alone my whole life! No family drama, no need to show off a boyfriend or fiance to the parentals, no one to tie me down...

God...I miss J so much...I haven't seen her in person since July. God, how I long to be with her again, at least I know she has never truly lied to me. Sure, she's not told me everything about her, but it's nothing compared to the huge scale lie I've been telling her all these years.

B and R...I wish it was more obvious if you're hugs and 'I love you's are more than simply friendly, at least then I could actually figure out who the hell I am.

ARGH! CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING BIKE, WHY IS LOVE SO HARD?
Click to expand...
Love is hard, but so is hate, Equi. People throw around these feelings far too much these days, especially if you're young like us. I've been in a few spots, loved capriciously, hated with contempt. Love has so far brought me naught but happiness. Hate has brought me naught but disgust. Even in the failed relationships, I feel better knowing certain things. Sometimes, I feel better knowing I've redeemed my wrongs by changing myself. In some, I feel better to make amends up front. Sometimes, I just feel like (with my last girlfriend) she was a whore and I gave her my love because I was horny. TMI, I know, but these thoughts make me feel better.

Learn from your mistakes. Figure out who to trust. Stick to your friends. And discover yourself and solve this predicament you have with your sexuality.
 
I'm typing this whilst sitting down on a couch soaked to the foam cushion, reeking of alcohol, and wetting my ass because I tried to solve a fucking problem. I'm tired of auspisticing between these two idiots, everything eventually gets projected at me. I've been pushed hard enough to break my fucking arm, repetitively been forced to block slaps, punches, knocks, from my own goddamn drunk-ass MOTHER, and been forced to hold back a raging fucking twig from beating the shit out of, and then being followed up by getting the shit beat out of by a fucking stubborn fatass with a set of lungs, the left being the size of his liver, and the right being the size of his goddamn stomach. I swear, I must be the smartest person in this entire fucking house, and I'm sixteen, living with my mother of fifty-six and my uncle of only slightly younger years. I'm tired of this. Next time those two want to rip each other's fucking faces off and skin each other alive, fucking fine, I'm not going to stop them.

My mother's a fucking drunk who won't even fucking admit it because she's proud, stubborn as fuck, and her brother is even more fucking prideful. They constantly fight. I'm forced to expire my vocal cords trying to keep them from dismembering each other. And this time, the anger got projected at me. An open, full can of beer was thrown at me, twice. First, it hit the loveseat, then the wall by the arch to the hall. She screamed at me to clean it up, and I told her to clean up her own damn mess. Fucking stupid idea, because when she started, she was ranting-- I shouldn't say ranting. She was screaming the same goddamn statement over and fucking over and fucking over and even when I told her I heard her after the seventeenth fucking time, she still kept fucking going and going and motherfucking going AND GOING AND GOING AND MOTHERFUCKING GOING. Then I decided to fucking help her, because, you know, if she hadn't shredded her fucking vagina to shove me into this disgusting, yet beautiful world, I wouldn't fucking exist. So I love her. Despite the shit she puts me through. Despite the strikes. The breathing troubles. The anxiety. The stress. The ripped up vocal cords. I love her.

And I'm done, though.

I don't care anymore.

She's a wonderful fucking charm when she's sober.

But when she's not working

She's fucking drinking

I wake up sometimes at like eight, nine in the morning. She's fucking drunk, because it's her day off. I'm tired of it. I wish she'd fucking stop. I'd rather her fucking start smoking weed so she'd mellow the fuck out or something, if she needs to be intoxicated. Did I mention that I don't let her buy vodka because she gets so goddamn pissed off about nothing when she's on that bullshit.

I just wish she'd fucking stop drinking. Things would be so much better. Maybe her and her brother could get along. Maybe she'd settle down. Or at least listen to reason.




Okay, I'm happy now cute things make me happy I like cute things everything is beautiful
[RAINBOW]Extra fluffy and comfortable, a-purr[/RAINBOW]
 
When you tell me you'll struggle with me through this pregnancy by not drinking, amongst other things, I expect you to keep your word. You're not on a leash and collar, my love. If boozing it up with your bros is more important than supporting me, then go right ahead. Just don't expect me to be anything other than let down, crestfallen, and angry.

Also, don't you dare jump to the conclusion that it's my jealousy. While yes, I do envy it when people can have this kind of fun and I cannot, it's not the reason for my negative feelings. It's the fact that you made me a promise and are shaking my trust in you. Not to mention, you're 28 years old, dammit. You've had more than your fair share of fun with alcohol, so I do not feel even the tiniest bit bad for expecting you to do this for me. If anyone should feel deprived, it's ME. I turned fucking 21 last year and couldn't celebrate. Yet, I don't whine about it. I sucked it up a long time ago because, let's face it, we're going to be parents. There's no time for that bullshit.

Fuck, I'm just so hormonal and stressed and just... GRRRR. I can't stand how sensitive I am and how much things trouble me...

Despite all my bad feelings, I still trust in you. I believe that you aren't going to break your words to me, because I love you and I only want to think the best of you. You've been taking good care of me, I don't think I have any reason to doubt you. I want to believe I'm just being crazy and anxious and judging you harshly. I admit that I am. I apologize daily for it. I'd hate to say the wrong thing to you... You'll be fine, I'll be fine. Nngh.

And if I'm wrong, well...

Haha!

We don't even want to go there.
 
Noseyassfuckingcuntyousonofafuckingshitfuckyou.

I HATE ASSHOLES.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
 
What do you mean my attendance is at 55%?! Even if you work the registers and finances on a 4-weekly basis there's no way I've been off college that much! 75% is the ABSOLUTE worst I could have done unless you've put me back on placement without telling me! Though since you've neglected to even send me the official letter telling me my funding was being slashed, I have this sinking feeling that might be what has actually happened - WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN TOLD ANYTHING?

Christ, this better be some stupid mistake that can be straightened out.



Seriously, if it's SOMEHOW legitimately my fault then I need to put in 3-4 weeks of 100% attendance before my bursary will be reinstated BUT since I now have no money coming from anywhere and dad's on unemployment I'm barely scraping together enough for transport on class days - I'd only be able to put in 100% if my lecturer DOESN'T put me in placement til my bursary is reinstated, and I'm so paranoid now that she's going to tell me I have something as soon as I contact her.

Fuck, what if she's put me on placement without telling me? What if I've not been attending placement because nobody told me, been legitimately marked absent? I'll never get this straightened out then.

Fuck.

Please, don't be that. PLEASE.

Just be fixable...
 
Goddamn youtube and their unmutable ads playing during videos
 
So I get a position that's pretty cool. Apparently, I was good enough for it. Fair enough.
And then I see someone else whose work is ten bazillion times better than mine, and they obviously put their heart and soul into it. And they're not getting that position because I barged in first without even being sure I could handle it.
Fucking guilty conscience.
 
I really just want to stop studying and go out and do what i want to do in life, i dont really like course anymore, my teacher in one of my subjects sucks, i really dont have interest anymore in finishing my course, but the logical world is telling, no boy finish your shit and accept the cold reality which is, that this is a world of shit were mankind lost its freedom and there spirits bound to a system that slowly rots us from inside out.
 
Gotta do homework! I don't have my textbook so I'm gonna have to go to the library and make copies onto my USB device. This way I save money and don't spend money that I don't have.

Whoops, the copy machine isn't registering my USB device. I scanned those pages for nothing!

Oh wait, giant line outside the copy machine because class just got out and students are waiting to make copies of their textbooks - I better hurry up.

Screw it, the machine isn't fixing itself. I better not be a dick and hold up the line. At least I can read the textbook while it's still checked out.

...

*looks at homework assignment*

Wait... This subject wasn't covered in class at all. Hang on... The questions that were assigned aren't in in the pages he told us to read. Wtf... ?

*checks professor's website*

*clicks on Homework link*

ERROR PAGE WAS NOT FOUND.

-____________________-

... Maybe I should just make copies of all of the chapters he assigned so I don't have to --


DEAR GOD THAT LINE IS MASSIVE!


Screw it. Leaving. Fuck this place. Bye.
 
If no one gets me what I fucking need to make some goddamn quesadillas soon, I might just--*censors self*

>:[ I'm seriously pissed that no one's, like, taking me to the store or bothering to pick up ingredients for me.

ALL I FREAKING NEED IS CHEESE, TORTILLAS, CHICKEN OR BEEF, AND MAYBE A SMALL THING OF SOUR CREAM. YOU'RE MEXICANS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I KNOW YOU DO. TAKE MY MONEY AND GOOO.

I'll even cook the stupid things myself, as long as I can get this craving off of my mind. No one's going to be that thoughtful, though. No, no. It's my own fault for falling asleep earlier from exhaustion and then not waking up until 9, I guess. I didn't want to risk passing out at the stupid grocery store, so I laid down! Now, I feel like I should have taken that risk just so I could have my motherfucking food....
 
When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.
 
NOW would be a good time to have you, mr. football player, for a boyfriend. I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE MOVING!
 
IHATEITHEREIHATEITHEREIHATEITHERE. I feel like ever since my mom got married again, she's not been giving me the attention and help I need anymore.

I wish I was still in Nevada. At least there, I have people who actually care about how I act, who I hang out with, and what I do. I mean, I can understand that now there's seven people here, but what about me? I may be the stone-cold hate powerhouse, but I have emotions too.

Did she ever once think why I work my ASS off at school? It's to fucking get out of this fucking state, get as far away from this damn city as soon as I fucking can. I hate her, I hate here, and I want to go to where I belong.
 
My good mood is gone now. Peter's fucking niece pisses me off with her bitchy attitude and her inconsiderate ways. She's been in the bathroom for, um... Let's see... An hour and a half? Something like that. At first, she wasn't showering. I actually don't have any fucking clue what she was doing. My guess is she was taking a shit while merrily singing to herself, which is annoying because she's tone deaf. Then right afterwards, she decides "Oh, I'll take an hour long shower, teehee!" And then she goes back to the singing while she takes her sweet time washing herself. I swear, she has to sing an entire album of music before she shuts off the damn water!!

HELLO, what about the rest of the people who live with you? .__. Let's not forget that there's a pregnant lady down the hall who has to go pee so often that it might as well be considered exercise. I don't expect everyone to treat me like a princess and put me first before all things... But, I don't think it's asking much that people have the decency to at least ask me ahead of time "Do you need to go to the bathroom before I shower?" I don't know, maybe I am asking too much? I'm only risking peeing all over myself and getting a UTI, no big deal. Anyway, I had to go out in the dark backyard, in the 30 degree weather, and piss OUTSIDE because I was about to explode right here on my goddamn bed. I'm so upset and in pain that I'm in tears. I want to get out of this freaking house. I don't like living around an alcoholic grandfather, I don't like that there's only 1 bathroom, I don't like living with 4 animals that trigger my allergies and annoy the living snot out of me, I don't like that we have to cram myself, my boyfriend and our baby into the tiniest bedroom in the house... This is shitty. I'm miserable. Is it really a wonder why I'm so depressed all the time and am struggling to control my DSH...?

Absolutely nothing could fix my mood right now, except maybe comfort food. None of which we have right now... It doesn't help that my genius boyfriend forgot to bring me my ice cream when he brought lunch home. That made me weep, too. (Ugh, I can't waaaiiit to have balanced emotions again.) But like a good girlfriend, I didn't bring it up since he had to get to work. I'd rather not make him feel bad or risk him being late... *sigh*

I'm just feeling so stressed. I can't sleep very well because our mattress is basically a concrete ground with padding on top of it. We have TWO feather pillow tops and it's still not enough. Not even the pillows surrounding my body do much good, I always wake up in the worst pain. The boyfriend's snoring and my stress induced nightmares don't help, either. These very things kept me awake until 7 this morning. I feel the exhaustion all the way to my bones.

Maybe I'll retire early tonight. I have some Unisom left, it's safe to take. I just prefer to avoid medicines as much as possible. But damn if this isn't a good time for me to just get to sleep before the usual 5 or 6 AM. I don't want to be awake right now. I'd rather be lost in my acid trip dreams than be lost in all of...this. v__v

Hopefully my Saturday will go the way I hope. Buy baby stuff, eat good food, and most importantly: stay out of the house. Here's to hoping...
 
Hugs and rainbow sex for all in this thread*

And the quesodillas are burning.

i hate when you put up a thread and get 15566788 views but ZERO posts. even worse, when people say "can i play?" Its a freakin RP site. you gonna play then make a character and go.
 
Talking about my weight does not make for good breakfast conversation Mom... -___-"
 
OMG I am so glad today is Friday. I have completely run out of fucks to give this week.

And you know when you've really had enough of a child for the day? When they're running up and down past you and the only thing that keeps you from just sticking your foot out and tripping them is the fact that there'll be evidence, and you'd have to explain to the parents why their child's face is busted.
 
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