Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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Every day, my feelings of certainty grow stronger. These emotions grow brighter, each day more noticeable for the last. As I look back, I see how it's been going on for years. It was a mere ember at first. Slowly, yet surely, that ember grew in size and intensity. The way I feel about you will never change, and I see that now more than ever. I don't think anyone has made such an impact on my life the way you have.

Mom, I fucking hate you and everything you stand for, and I honestly regret sharing even an ounce of blood with you.
 
Grandpa's just the slightest bit better- but....

Now I'm harboring what everyone already knows...

When I went in to hug him, he whispered in my ear. "I want to go, let me go"

Fuck.

Also, friend's mother is suicidal, her brother needs support, and he has no idea his mother is wanting to kill herself and we're all trying to keep him out of the loop- it would fuck with him too much.
 
*gnaws on her drain!*

This drain is ready to come out, but the nurse who came today was new and had never removed a drain before and didn't have the right equipment so now I have to wait ANOTHER WHOLE DAY for them to take it out. That means I have to sleep with this damned thing coming out of me for another night! T_T
 
FUCK THIS COMPUTER. FUCK THIS COMPUTER SO @#%?#$ rLWHKJGwrt::r@$ HARD WHEN IT CRASHES BEFORE I SAVE A SHIT TON WLKJFS DLKHGSKDHKLJHF NLDFH WORK YOU GFQLDKFJ LSHF COMPUTER

Fuck.
 
Thinking I'll need to go back to being a lurker with the occasional post in General and Insanity. When I go to post in a RP, my mind goes blank. There's just too much going on for me, I guess. And I feel my detachment to Iwaku increasing. This place just ain't what it used to be for me. :/ Sometimes, I forget it even exists anymore. Which sucks... It's so sucky.

Also, I'm craving cinnamon like crazy. I want all the cinnamon rolls, churros, oatmeal, and cereals with their cinnamon-y goodness. I need lettuce, too. Salad... Yissss... And I can't have any of it because we're fucking BROKE.

Not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. >__>;

At least we have plenty of eggs... That's one craving I can satisfy, at least. And and mehbeh toast wf cinnamon sugar on top... Hopefully the spice rack isn't lacking tonight. *wipes tears away and goes to cook*
 
NO.
Do not EVER use the term 'retard' as a descriptive term in your writing. It's bad enough I deal with people flinging it around in real life. Do you even know what it's like to have a mental handicap? To have been held back in life? I bet you think 'retard' is synonymous with 'idiot.' Well, sister, let me tell you something - you'd better step up your game, because that term is an offensive one, and I will NOT tolerate such casually offensive language on a somewhat respectable site. I don't know what it's like to have a handicap of any sort, but let me tell you, I don't think what you're doing is very easily justified by anyone.
 
Being *always* cheerful and bubbly and not letting my guard down is... wearing my down. It's hard. I need a break. I need a Team Me.
 
Aaaaaand he's gone. <.<
 
Reading yaoi is a bad way to try to relieve sexual tension. It just made me more horny, and I've been trying to relieve it all day but it's not working. DAMMIT. THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM IF I WAS IN NEVADA. IF I WAS IN NEVADA, I'D BE PERFECTLY FINE AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

FUCK
 
CAN THE FUCKING WORLD JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!?

CAN YOU PEOPLE STOP BREAKING INTO MY APARTMENT?

Please.
 
This is so fucking unfair.

So my friend is for lack of a better phrase a fucking lazy, no-drive, do-nothing slacker. He's been someone sliding by for way longer than he should have been able to. He's on food stamps, which is the one thing I can understand since he's trying to take some of the strain off his dad when it comes to support him. But in the meantime I'm in school and looking for a job. I can't find jack shit. Meanwhile he gets a seasonal job for three months. And what does he do?

Renews his WoW subscription.
Gets a new computer and upgrades it to play Skyrim.
Has a ball.

Does he pay his Dad any of his backlogged rent? No. Does he put it towards anything productive? No. He puts it into a gaming rig, plays Skyrim for a week or two, then logs onto WoW once every few days to raid insisting he has no choice in the matter because he's the off-tank. Bullshit. If you want to take a night off that's your right and fuck anyone who says otherwise. But it's not all bad. He let's me play Planetside 2 on it.

But now it's getting worse. We're not talking at all. He's absorbed in whatever the hell it is he's doing. Right now it's some text-based smut game in Flash. Which means he has to read. A lot. He HATES reading. Then he talks about the game when I don't give a fuck. I've said I don't care. So FINALLY after fucking around for ages he starts to get off his machine to presumably give me my turn to play Planetside 2. Nope.

"Alright. Let's walk down to the store and get groceries."
"What? No! I'm not walking down to the grocery store now!"
"You said you would yesterday."
"That's because I thought we'd go when I first got here like we always do! I'm not walking when it's 5:30 and already dark out!"

The silence is only broken by his Skype. He answers. Turns out he has a raid tonight that he didn't know about. My patience finally runs out. He's not talking to me, he's barely acknowledging me when I ask if I'm gonna get a shot at the computer, he continues to avoid paying rent while SOMEHOW managing to pay for his WoW subscription and Internet with NO JOB. He's running on his dad's goodwill that by some miracle of God hasn't run out, he gets a good gaming machine and then wastes it on WoW and text based games when he hates reading, and we barely talk while he's absorbed in whatever he's doing.

Meanwhile I'm out in school, looking for a job, wanting to get my own computer, shit like that. But nothing. It's not fucking fair and even though he's by best goddamn friend there's a part of me deep down that wants to see him crash, burn, and get a fucking wake up call cause I'm sick of seeing him get away with what he's getting away with.
 
Ok. I've got to get this out of my system because my mind won't let it go.

I've got a strong paranoia that my ex will show up at the door any moment wanting to come back. I've also got this unqualified fear that he'll try to extort me to get money out of me for whatever reason.

There's no reason to actually believe this. There's no real reason for my mind to grapple onto this and not let it go, but it's frustrating as all hell and it causes me a great deal of stress. I don't see him ever coming back but it's always in the back of my mind. Every time there's some activity at the door or a loud moving truck outside my mind automatically shifts to, "Oh my god, he's back." I remember sending him an email in February 2011 but it went unanswered. Since late October/November 2010 there's been no further communication. So really, there's zero proof for any of this to happen!

He left me for totally bogus reasons and honestly I think it's because he couldn't really comprehend me. (He was also shifting to complete sub -- I'm a switch -- and I was finding out more about myself that would have caused incredible friction so in the end it was for the best.) We had been together for basically 6 years and even after all the stuff we went through, after me supporting him for nearly 2 years, and all sorts of other things, he basically out right -- though not explicitly -- tells me to my face that he doesn't trust me. Fun, right?

I could go on and on... -grumbles and sighs- At least that chapter is done and overwith. ...I hope.
 
Stop arguing. Please for the love of god, just stop.

You've been together for twenty years and you've never stopped.

Just get a divorce, everyone knows you don't love each other.
 
Come one, come all! Come jeer and jest at Parson as shi suffers from RLS and can't even sleep in hir own bed! Come laugh and mock as shi is slowly turned into an asexual being, devoid of sexual interest and utter lack of drive. Come one, come all! Enjoy the feast before your eyes are hir own mind devours itself, as shi slips into the grips of utter, insensible aggression! Watch as shi snaps at even hir loved ones without any reason. Enjoy how shi gives up all hope and saws hir own legs off! The blood! The gore! The excitement!

The show is guaranteed to be sold out, so hurry! There have been announcements to stage a second tour based on hir bipolar, A-ADD, OCD, GAD, and alcoholism! Move over Carrie Fisher, here comes a genderqueer furson who experiences voices inside hir head without drugs! Shi sees things without acid! This second tour is sure to be a hit! Order tickets in advance! All funds will be used to support hir own funeral and every ticket is sold with a guaranteed entrance to hir funeral service!

...

-sighs and curls up on the couch-
 
You're boring. Your posts are stale, and your range in characters is weak. Your plot ideas are just new twists on cliches dressed up as something shiny, and you can't pull them off beyond the initial hurrah anyway. You will never be as good a writer as other people on the forum. You're terrible at plotting and you can't keep up with your partners. Your reputation as a good writer is a sham based on their glimpses of brief moments when you make overwrought attempts to be on par with the rest. Your writing is a bunch of trite fanservice. One day everyone is going to realize this and then you can go back to your own little corner where you make RPs that no one will join and play one-on-ones with the people who feel sorry for you or just want to RP with you because it's you, and not really because your writing is anything fun or special. You'll never publish anything and the very idea is a joke. The majority of the people whom you admire the most have already cottoned on to how much of a fraud you are, how much you don't belong here, and that is why none of them will touch anything you bring them.

This is what I hear in my head every time I try to write something. I want to punch that voice in the teeth. FUCK YOU, self-doubt. You're not going to stop me.
 
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I'm so tired and depressed that I can't even care about the fact I haven't changed out of these dirty clothes from yesterday. And I have to force myself into the shower, otherwise the days without one will just stack up.

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I hope something awesome will happen soon to... I don't know... Refresh me? v__v *sighs lamely*
 
Mum, please just take the damn pills.
 
I think back of all the times you could have been there, that I wanted you to be there and you decided you didn't want to be there. I changed myself – everything that could be tied to you, to your name, to that distant past, and I threw it away. I promised I wouldn't look back. Instead, I created my future. I started with a name, then a career, and then a family. I have not become you. I have not abandoned my children, I have not loved with conditions, I have not set my career before my loved ones, and I have not run away from my mistakes. I know when I am beaten and when to ask for help. I know that life is rough, filled with complications, but it isn’t worth pointing fingers. I know it is better to communicate than to hold things in. I know rage is not the answer. And I know I didn't learn any of these things from you.

But you think you have a god-given right to be a part of my life, to judge me on how my life turned out, and you think my world still revolves around you.

You'd be wrong.
 
Will this problem ever die?

Brother. Don't you think it's time to let this go?

I'm sick of being measured up and pieced apart and examined. I'm sick of being compared to Jaci's sister. I'm sick of being treated like some idiot monster that is dangerous around children.

Do you have any idea of how you make me feel? How childish this all is? How stupid this is?

I can't ask for help. You've tied my fucking hands.

And I can't talk to you about it because you excel at verbal arguments. Even if your points aren't valid.

Do you realize that I probably deserve a giant fucking award for not falling to pieces and yelling my head off at the two of you for how I'm treated? Do you realize the trouble this is?

I'm sick of the veiled excuses to our grandma for why I'm not allowed to help more.

Did you SERIOUSLY just ask me why I didn't cry more at Grandpa's funeral? I cried all through this damned thing, I have no more fucking tears, he's ok now. His pain is over. It fucking destroyed me to hear your derisive comments about me. You told Jaci's parents.

I know.

I know they know about your heathen sister, who is bi and has done *Gasp* things in a mistaken attempt to garner attention and affection when she was younger. I made mistakes- at least mine never resulted in jail time or fines. Your mistakes always cost someone money.

You said, two years ago, this would never be spoken of- you had said it as if being villianized by you and your wife was nothing. Now you told her parents.

I'm tired. I'm SO tired of your goddamned lies and holier-than-thou attitude. You've only been a christian for little less than two years. and you weren't always so "perfect" so stop fucking acting like you've done no wrong.

I'm so tired of being stressed on how to act around my fucking niece. I'm so sick of every action being perverted and misunderstood.

YOU are part of the reason it was so hard to quit drinking.

You are the reason why I still want to.

I'm sick of you. I'm sick of your paper tiger act. I'm sick of your fears of me. I'm sick of this shit we've become. You're not my sibling- you're some fucked up idiotic recreation of him.

Do you even care about me?

Do you even want to be my brother anymore, or are you so ashamed of me?

I'm so sorry that I'm not the sister you thought I was, that I don't live up to every little expectation of what you wish I'd be. I'm human with a free will and we all make mistakes and make our own choices, and if I didn't turn out the way you thought I would, well, I'm sorry, but this is me.

I won't apologize for what I am, and what you think I am. I won't apologize anymore for what happened years ago. Get the fuck over it.

You're a horrid excuse of a human being. YOU are the one with the problems. YOU'RE the one who's truly fucked up.

And coming from this heathanistic, bisexual, anti-christ, who has a barrel of problems of her own.
 
Oh.. hey suicidal thoughts. You've been gone for a while. No, I've explained this to you before, I'm not depressed. I don't understand why you keep coming around. I don't particularily like thinking about my own sudden death all the time.

Ah homicidal thoughts. You've been missed. Slightly. You're more entertaining to think about... Though sometimes you scare me with how unforgiving and vivid you make yourself, and who you're about. Yes, Dad makes me mad. A lot. But I don't think I'd ever wish him dead, and especially not slow roasted death. That girl sitting in the corner with the blonde hair in a ponytail who I've just seen for the first time, never spoken a word too, don't even know her name? No, I don't really wish I could collapse the roof and crush her.

So with no depression (that I know of. Who knows. Don't really feel depressed.) and no real will to see anyone dead, why are you two hanging around again?
 
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