Rant Your Brains Out #62039479

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Unfortunately, figuring out why I've got so much to prove doesn't make me stop wanting to prove it.
 
"I have a headache!" is a TIRED EXCUSE that EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF because IT'S NEVER ACTUALLY TRUE except for RIGHT NOW WHEN IT IS WHAT. THE. FUCK. BRAIN! I OBJECT.
 
Congrats Logic, you just scared your date off posting a picture with a Madagascar Hissing roach on your hand...
 
"Hey. I don't hate you anymore. If you want to talk, we can sometime."

WHAT THE FUCK?

FUCK YOU.

TWO FUCKING YEARS OF SILENCE. AND THIS IS HOW YOU BREAK IT? AFTER THE LAST TIME WHEN I REACHED OUT TO YOU AND THE SHIT YOU SAID TO ME?

NO.

GO TO HELL.

I DIDN'T HATE YOU BUT I THINK I DO NOW.
 
It's really great that you think you want to be my friend like you were before, but guess what? Forcing me to talk to you every single day and getting pissed off and showing up at my door when I don't answer you isn't going to make me even begin to forgive you.

Quit asking me to come over. Quit asking me if you can come see me. Quit buying me shit because my boyfriend is getting annoyed by it, not to mention it's creepy as hell.

You hurt me. Leave me alone. I can't even post anything or like anything of Facebook or I get a message or text from you.

Quit trying to be in my life. It's bad enough I have to work with you.

I made a mistake being friends with you.
 
I waited almost four months for this appointment. Four miserable, agonizing months. One of the few things keeping me going was the prospect of you being able to help me, of finally being able to get me the help I needed.

I walked out of your office with two new prescriptions and nothing else.

Four months. Four months for something my family physician could have done for me. What the fuck do I do now? What do I do? I'm back to square one. The days are getting longer, I have more sunlight, but that doesn't matter when the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished. I feel so small and helpless. For eleven years I have dreaded waking up every morning; I have spent every waking hour in agony. I've felt like a lab experiment, a guinea pig; if not being laughed out of the office, I'm nothing more than a vessel for pills. "Maybe one day something will work for you." 'One day' is not good enough. 'One day' is not going to keep me on this earth. 'One day' is not enough to give me something to live for.

I don't want any more pills. I don't want any more 'keep trying.' There is no point in sending me to another doctor. Psychiatrists have made me lose faith in the health care system. My therapist, the only person who has ever actually taken an interest in me and what goes on in my mind, looks at me with such sadness; when your therapist has given up hope in you, there's not much left.

I don't know what to do. I have no faith. I have no hope. I have nothing to live for. I am so tired of this constant pain. My body aches; it's all I can do to sleep through the day, because in my dreams I do not hurt. The blackouts, the dissociating, the fear, the crippling despair - I can't live with them anymore. I can't do this. I am not strong enough.

You won, demons. You won, you filthy parasite. There is no more room in my body for hope or for happiness. You have reached the end of the terminal. You have consumed it all. You have won.
 
That's okay. It doesn't matter anyway.
I'll be fine. Don't even worry about it, or me.
 
You know what I hate?

Getting shit at work because I was told to do something. Yes, I took the fucking garbage can downstairs to the youth room. Why? Because I was told to do it! So why are you proceeding to yell at me for taking the garbage can? Yell at the person who told me to! Here's a thought; arguing with your boss about something they want done and telling them no could get you fired. Just so happens that I like having a job so I can keep living in a nice apartment, not being hungry all the time and staying warm. Bills need to be paid somehow, and getting fired would put a wrench in all of that unless I got another job, and if you haven't noticed the job market fucking sucks right now!
 
I hate how I suck at explaining my feelings for others. Whether I'm mad at them or love them, I can never find the right words to say to them and everyone takes advantage over that. No one cares to ask me how I feel, they just expect me to be there for them for their own needs.

"Don't want to go out tonight Mittens? Well then you suck and I'm going to be mad at you because tonight is going to be SO fun and you're going to miss out!"

No actually. You want me around to watch your drink and so you can flirt with a million different guys who just swarm to you for some unknown reason, while I sit at the table and talk myself out of my depression of a failing relationship, a friend who betrayed my trust, and a mother who wouldn't spend more than 5$ on my grad outfit and a dress that was never mine while my sister gets a brand new $300-$400 dollar dress. Yeah no, I'd rather just drink myself to sleep.

"You should come over and watch a movie because I haven't seen you in forever. Oh you don't want to? Then I'll say some hurtful remark and be pissed at you until you apologize to me, then proceed to ask you to come over everyday again."

Not true, I am forced to see you everyday at work. I most likely will never go over to watch a movie again. As for your hurtful remarks, fuck you, you've hurt me enough.

"We never have sex anymore, so I'm going to be mad at you until you put out."

Seriously? Because there is nothing sexier than feeling forced to have sex. Maybe if you opened your eyes a little, you'd see why I want to be left alone and why I've been so down lately. Also, news flash! No matter how long we've bee together, sex isn't supposed to be the only thing in a relationship.

And fuck me for being able to perfectly describe my feelings here, but freeze up when I want to say them out loud. I should become a mute. I just want to hide from the whole damn world.
 
I'm not crazy. I'm not bi-polar; I believe everyone classifies as bi-polar. Everyone has dealt with depression, and everyone has been really happy.

But, I am in the throes of depression right now. I know I'll get out eventually, but man this sucks.

I'm 27. I've had a 4.0 average in school before graduation. But, I'm stuck in a dead-end job that I'll probably be at for the rest of my life. Already been there for 8 years. All the things I've wanted to do growing up, wanting to be someone or have a awesome job. Doing something meaningful. Bah, bullshit.

When I die, no one will read about me. Just a lowly peon, working everyday 12 hours a day for nothing. My only release being in writing and reading, being able to be a part of something grand and meaningful, but that just makes me more depressed because I know it's all make-believe. My fiancee, freakin' whore. Cheated on me with my friend, lied to my face. And had the audacity to ask me if she could keep the ring. "So I can remember us." Bitch, I know you'll just pawn it off for drugs. How did I ever fall in love with you?

Now, I'll probably never be in a relationship again, that crap happened 6 years ago and I'm still single. I don't even try to find a girlfriend, 'cause it seems 95% of chicks are freaking whores. Everybody is screwing everybody, and they still stay with each other. WTF? Why? And, people at work that I opened up to, they just laugh about it. "Got a girlfriend yet? No? You gay?" I get laughed at because I'm not looking for just sex, you dumb sons'a bitches. I wanna fall in love with a good girl who won't rip my heart out. Fat chance, living here in this bullshit town.

This ranting stuff is not helping, it's just making me more pissed off now.
 
Fuck today.

Fuck it.
 
I had a fucking SHOT on Monday night. A shot and anti-nausea pills that help migraines. AND I'M STILL NOT OKAY. Roomie is convinced someone is using voodoo magic on me. (Now that she mentions it...)
 
I... I don't know. I don't understand.

What is happening? Why is this happening? What is going to happen?

"Don't think about it." She says. "I'm not thinking about it, you shouldn't either. I haven't told your brother yet."
 
I don't care that it doesn't make sense, he's my character GODDAMMIT.
Take your lore-to-the-bone ass, and go away.
 
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