Playing with Fire

[Viverescribere]

And there it was. The final nail on the coffin of their relationship.

Carina's eyes were on Sven and his figure, but they were glazed over and unfocused as she came to terms with what had just been confessed. A part of her had hoped that her suspicions would be unfounded and that he would shake his head, tell her no. However, she had known deep down that that would never happen. It opened a door to new, dark and toxic thoughts: did he actually ever mean to act on his words of trying again with her? Did he really love her the way he said? Did he just say to her, that night, everything he thought she wanted to hear?

Regardless of what he said he had told Eris, he had still gone back to that woman. Despite his bittersweet words of her being the love of his life (which had brought tears to her eyes in a brief moment of weakness), he still went back to his mistress.

"Get out."

The words were whispered, voice wavering and cracking in the first show of pain she had allowed him to see. Her eyes came back into focus and, much to her dismay, she found them brimming. The view she had was watery, her vision blurred as she tipped her head back and sucked in an almost inaudible, deep breath.

"Just-- please. Just get out."

Carina wasn't sure what it was. But everything suddenly felt more finalised and real. Previously, Lorcan's kidnapping and the war had kept her numb to the state of her marriage and helped her ignore the betrayal she face. Now that was gone, however, there was no layers of other (mostly negative) emotions keeping her numb from the truth that had just hit her square in the chest with Sven's words.

Their marriage was over. The last person she thought she had that loved her had hurt her beyond repair. Perhaps he never had any intention of trying again, but how was she to know for certain now? It didn't matter. None of it did. All that mattered now was the child that rested against her chest.

"I would also appreciate if you kept away from me for the next few days or so during my first initial stages of recovery and settling back into the way of things," she carried on after a few sharp sniffs to fight back the tears, head lowering again but turning to the side to refrain from facing him straight on, "I don't want the constant sting of your betrayal to paralyse me each time I see your face. I will not have the time or the energy to replay our conversations in my mind or ask myself where it all went wrong."

She straightened her spine, gaze now focused on Lorcan, "It would be best for the both of us if we begin to move on and right now, when I look at you, I see her too and it makes me want to snap."

 

[potassiumboron]

Sven knew the moment the truth left his lips was the moment his marriage would die its inevitable death. Rescuing it from the depths it currently languished in was a difficult task but it hadn't been entirely impossible, with the hope, however faint, remaining in the very pit of his chest-- but now it was extinguished entirely. He couldn't continue to fight for something that simply wasn't a possibility anymore, with the continual pursuit of restoring his marriage only destined to cause further discomfort to the person he cared about the most.

He had hurt Carina far more than any one person ought to hurt, brought her more pain than anyone should experience, and so even if it broke his heart and shattered everything he had been working towards, there was no option truly available to him other than letting the marriage die - and subsequently, letting Carina go.

The chance to be on friendly terms in the following years wasn't lost, would always remain a possibility for as long as they co-parented their son, so showing the other respect, honouring her choices without petulantly arguing against them, was the way forward to guaranteeing that future. It wasn't the loving marriage he would prefer to be in, but being on good terms with Carina, sharing a future that wasn't totally dominated by hatred and disgust, was the best he could ever hope to get - and he wanted to fight for that with every fibre of his being.

Was that easy when his feelings toward her were as complicated as they were in current circumstances? Hardly. When he looked at her, of course his heart tugged in disgust at himself for causing the tears in her eyes to rise; of course he was horrified by the actions that brought so much heartache and revulsion. His love for her hadn't been dented, remained just as fierce and powerful as ever, so the urge to comfort her, to soothe her, when seeing her so enveloped by her upset was high - but so too was the disgust he held for her popularity; the detestation for her belief that she had a right to rule the kingdom that was his.

He wanted to focus on that future of potential friendship, or at the very least amicability, and he knew he couldn't do that as successfully if these feelings of discontent and outrage at her continued to linger. Her desire to remain apart for the proceeding days, therefore, was a good one: it provided him the time and the opportunity to regather his senses; to fight off the feeling of bitter injustice at her popularity as best he could.

Even if there was no guarantee that time would heal that particular wound. On the contrary, he feared that dwelling on the growing admiration the Ignisians felt for their Queen would only deepen his sense of betrayal and unfairness - and frankly, that terrified him. He didn't want to jeopardise a future of peaceful coexistence with Carina because of his present discontent toward her--

But what he wanted and what was destined to happen very rarely matched for Sven.

"Of course. I'll... be in my office should you need me. I'll take my meals in there, just to... avoid you should you start to move around more in the coming days. I'll keep my distance until you're ready to... to coexist with me in the castle. Until then, I will-- keep to myself. I'll give you your space. I... I'm happy to do that, Carina-- though clearly this respect of you is coming far too late--" He broke off once more as he averted his gaze to his hands, unwilling to fill his head with further images of her tearful expression, even if looking away did little to erase them; not now they were stained into his memory, destined to torture him in moments of deep self-loathing that had become commonplace since his affair was exposed.

With a brief glance to Natalia, the silent glance assuring him she wouldn't attempt to follow behind her King, Sven straightened his posture and, with just a faint nod in parting, finally left the other's room to return to the office he dedicated most of the hours of the day residing within. In his absence, Natalia could only stare at the ground beneath her feet, struggling to find the words to break the awkward silence - and even when they did arrive, she wasn't certain whether uttering them would be of any use to Carina whatsoever. Yet, knowing she could hardly slip out of the room without saying something, she pushed back her reluctance and proceeded regardless.

"...Let me fetch you tea and honey-- or at least have some sent to you. I'm also happy to have Lorcan's crib temporarily brought into this room if that would bring you some peace? I can't imagine you'd feel content sleeping without him by your side, so perhaps it would be best if he resided in here with you for the time being. After all the young Prince has been through, I'm sure it'll benefit him as much as you."

 

[Viverescribere]

"I don't want to stay in here. It stinks of... cleaning fluids and copper." Carina answered, pressing her lips to the top of Lorcan's head afterwards and holding there as she took in the reassuring and familiar scent of her child. It was soapy and powdery, just as it ought to be. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she was certainly grateful it wasn't gunpowder and smoke like the war had been.

She eventually pulled back, exhaling heavily as she closed her eyes but kept her nose pressed against the top of the child's head. "But I will have Lorcan's crib in with me, please. Sven can have time with him but right now I just... I want him with me. My-- my chest goes tight, Natalia, when I think of-- when I think of what-- could have--" Her throat became choked up, breath shuddering as she attempted to verbalise her thoughts. It caused the babe in her arms to become restless, face screwing up slightly in discontent and snuffled sneezes to sound as he wriggled against his mother.

Carina was quick to react, though, catching herself and sniffing again to compose herself as she wiped her cheeks against her shoulder. She whispered and cooed her apologies to the little prince, swallowing thickly as she tried to force her way through her previous fears.

"...There's just so much, Natalia. So much... pain and anger and... and heartache..." Her expression formed a frown, eyebrows knitting together and lower lip being taken between her teeth as she chewed on it, eyes creasing in the corners, "I... I'll keep going for Lorcan but one day... one day I'm scared it'll become too much." She finally looked up at the advisor, unwilling to hide her emotion anymore and allowing it to pour out onto her expression, to shine in her eyes in the form of unshed tears, "Each day I'm going to have to go around acting like I'm okay. That I'm strong and still fierce and... and..." She trailed off, sucking in a deep breath, "Each day I'm also going to be wondering if... if I should have done more. If I could have done more. If I should have just... forgive him for Lorcan's sake and to give him a... a connected family."

Shame filled her at such words and she looked away as a result, a tear dripping down onto her cheek, "But I... I can't. I can't do that. To myself. To Lorcan. To live a lie. I know pretending to be strong for a short while, because I know I'll be strong again one day, is better than... than pretending to be happy and to have forgiven and forgotten for the rest of my life."

 

[potassiumboron]

It wasn't as though Natalia had never seen the other in a heightened emotional state before - the basis of their friendship had been formed during Carina's effective incarceration within a room within the castle, locked away and awaiting a potential death sentence for her part in the scheme against Sven. Those times were dark, fraught with anxiety and fear, and thus, Natalia had been made to witness the emotional effects such precarious circumstances had on the Queen; been at her side, developing the sympathy that would bloom the buds of friendship as she observed Carina's anger; her fear; her grief.

So seeing those tears fill her eyes, hearing her voice waver with regret and shame, was not something the advisor was forced to take in for the first time - but that didn't mean she was accustomed to the sight. In fact, though she doubted she would see Carina this emotional for many more times in their future, she couldn't fathom ever becoming unmoved by the display; not when she had grown to deeply care for the woman. Any time her emotions deviated from joy or contentment, Natalia was sure she would fail to remain indifferent to it - as was currently evidenced by the small frown parting on her lips.

She wasn't entirely comfortable engaging with the discussion when it concerned the breakdown of a marriage she, ideally, wanted to see heal and repair itself. Regardless of Sven's flaws (of which, there were many), the man was still her dearest friend; still the person she would claim knew her the best, the one who she would trust to always have her back irrespective of his childish insults and attempts at feigning dismissiveness towards her.

Subsequently, Natalia's stomach churned in that anxiety at having to confront her friend's faults - especially when she was faced with the consequences of that behaviour, the pain written across the face of another close, cherished friend who she equally wanted to show her loyalty and dedication towards. She found herself caught in the middle, desperate to preserve what she had with Sven without looking as though she was defending him - which she wouldn't, not when his faults were so cruel and damaging.

"...I think remaining in a marriage for the sake of providing Lorcan with a family is unwise, Carina. He deserves both his parents to be happy - and the chance of you being happy with Sven in that capacity after all he has done to you is slim. Besides, Lorcan will still have his family. You and Sven may not be together but that doesn't mean you can't both raise Lorcan with love and protection and joy, does it?" She eventually responded, doing so only when the words came to her. Even if it took a good minute or two to contemplate what she wanted to say without fear of tripping over her words and inadvertently saying the wrong thing, it was worth doing.

Her eyes drifted to the boy cuddled up lovingly within Carina's arms, the sight of the young Prince contentedly resting against his mother's chest making a smile appear on the advisor's lips; an expression that softened much of the anxiety that had otherwise been staining it.

"Your duty requires you to present a front to the kingdom, that much is regrettably true. You must be strong; you must be a leader, especially now the people have taken to you. That responsibility is... unquestionable and it isn't easy when you're dealing with... private matters alongside it. But time will help; you'll figure it out, as vague as that is. Don't make your life any harder by regretting your choices, thinking 'if I had done x differently, I'd have y' because that-- that is helping nobody. You have so much going for you, so much to look forward to. Focus on that."

Her words halted at the recognition that the topic was heavy enough without the bombardment of advice accompanying it, a chuckle escaping her in her own acknowledgement of it.

"I pick my moments, don't I? You're dealing with countless pains, physical and emotional, and here I am depressing you further with talk of duty and responsibility. Do tell me to shut up, Carina; I won't take offence," she laughed in a moment of admittedly rare levity, the informality of the approach nothing less than a testament to the strength of the friendship they had developed. "...Now rest, let me handle those duties. You're allowed to be vulnerable, Carina. You don't need to be strong all the time. That's what I'm here for; to relieve pressure and give you -and Sven- an easier time of things."

 

[Viverescribere]

Her brow furrowed at the notion of Natalia continuing to help 'relieve the pressure'. She could only imagine, judging by the state of Sven, just how much more responsibility the advisor had had to take over the last few days. The idea of laying around in bed, a bed that she had been unconscious in for the last six or so days - whatever it was that the doctor had said - did not sit well with Carina.

"You're only talking of everything I already know I must do. You don't need to apologise, Natalia. At least I'm listening." She couldn't help the unsubtle jab which immediately made her close her eyes and sigh heavily, "I cannot fall back into that habit. If, like you said, Lorcan is to still have his family in someway or form... I have to... learn to be civil at the very least." She opened her eyes once again, turning them up onto the other woman as her fingers gently scratched at Lorcan's back.

She paused, allowing the silence (a thoughtful one) to fill the space for a moment as she dwelled on what the future would bring. "You've relieved enough of the pressure as it is, Natalia. I refuse for you take on more of the burden than necessary. You still have Andrew and I refuse for this job to come in between you both. I will be living vicariously through you now, after all." Like Natalia, Carina attempted to lighten the atmosphere with the informality that always lingered beneath the surface with the two of them.

It felt as though the two major moments of vulnerability they had shared - Natalia's return to the castle and her position after her fall from grace and then Carina's incarceration and almost execution - had allowed for a greater understanding of one another and therefore a blurring of those lines between monarch and friend. Of course, they both knew when to switch where appropriate, but in such private moments... it was nice to not have to worry about such things.

"Now that I am back and... returning to full strength, I refuse to leave you to manage everything by yourself. Sven may have made it clear how he felt about me making decisions, but someone must around here otherwise nothing will get done. He can be petulant and throw his toys out of the pram but things must continue. Even more so now the war is over." She paused, considering for a moment before continuing: "Bring me things to do with that first - the aftermath of the war. Where we are financially, how the people are doing, what has happened to those who did not return home... that hill needs conquering first before we... deal with anything else."

 

[potassiumboron]

To say she appreciated the shared attempt at lightness was an understatement - as fond of formality and professionalism as Natalia was, she had come to realise with the building of her friendships that there came a time to set her strict attitude to her work aside; to relieve herself of the pressure and take comfort, solace, in the bonds she had made. It didn't come easy to her, it was certainly something she had to work on gradually, but she had learnt to appreciate the little private moments between her and Carina that allowed her to express herself as a friend first and foremost, rather than a subject to their ruler.

With the heavy workload she had been trying to balance in Sven's absence from the seat of power, having even a few minutes to be comforted, to be reassured, meant more to her than the other would ever know. She knew she would have to leave the room and return to that work, especially when she could only assume Sven would lock himself away again after the finality to the end of his marriage was dealt clearly once and for all, but having Carina's support was invaluable - even if, ideally, the Queen would prioritise her recovery rather than the rush back to her duties.

Evidently, from the plans already being put into motion, arguing against the decision the other had reached was useless and so, with some reluctance, Natalia offered an agreeing nod of her head.

Though her silence wasn't solely out of that slight discomfort. As uneasy as she was about the Queen returning to her work so soon after being shot, she was far more unsettled by the mention of Andrew and the reminder that the news of their parting hadn't reached Carina's ears yet. Not that it would have done, it was hardly the most important news to be gossiped about under the circumstances, but the advisor had silently hoped that something would have drifted their way to Carina during the war; that a whisper of some sort had alerted her to the cooling of the relationship.

If only because it would spare her the trouble of doing so herself. She was tempted to simply stay silent and nod along, allow Carina to remain unaware of the event, but the woman had probably had enough of that dishonesty; of being deceived, whatever good intentions existed beneath it. Natalia didn't want to be yet another person hiding the truth or failing to disclose it, which was why, after a good few seconds of very visible disquietude, she let the truth leave the tip of her tongue.

"Andrew and I are no longer together. I initiated the breakup before the war. He's refusing to accept my decision, which I find disrespectful but understandable, so... that's where we are at the moment. I don't wish to talk about it too much, but I thought you'd better know. I don't care to hide things from you-- but this really is nothing you need to concern yourself about. It isn't important compared to everything else you have going on, I promise you-- so take the news and let it go, I don't need you to dwell on it," she reassured as forcibly as she dared, a quick smile parting to alleviate the sternness of the delivery before, understandably, she sought to hurriedly move the conversation on.

"I'll bring along a file I've been putting together with such details. I've consulted with one of the Generals on the matter, he's been helpful regarding the details of casualties and the like. I'll fetch his reports along too," she nodded, sparking into a life now she had something to focus on that would actively help Carina, that order to fulfil to the best of her ability was really all she needed and wanted right now. "I also recommend you leave Phillippe to stew. He may want to talk to you but leave him be; let him suffer until Sven's made a decision."

 

[Viverescribere]

Carina's lips parted in shock at the news Natalia had announced. Her brow furrowed soon after, mouth closing as she tried to get her head around the suddenness of it all - even though it wasn't that sudden to Natalia or anyone else that knew. It had been a week for them, but for her, it was the first she was hearing of it. The immediate switch back to talk of work was confusing and unsettling, however she knew that that was probably Natalia's coping mechanism with it all - even if it had been her that initiated the breakup.

"...Natalia... I'd appreciate it if you let me decide what is important to me." It frustrated her that the woman would say such a thing, both as a friend and as a monarch. She only hoped that this level of concern would wane soon, she detested the fuss that she knew would follow and she was already receiving. The only reason she agreed to have some of the day she had woken to rest and recover was so that she wasn't badgered by the advisor and the doctor.

Her eyes searched the woman's face, eyebrows still knitted together as she attempted to figure out where it had all come from and why it had happened. If she said it was just before the war, then clearly it was around the time that she had found out about Sven's betrayal. She could only hope it wasn't something to do with that.

"You know... I will be very disappointed if your decision regarding Andrew was spawned from what has occurred between myself and Sven," she began slowly, attempting to pick her words carefully considering the advisor already made it clear that she didn't wish to dwell on it. But Carina did and she wanted to figure it all out. "...Natalia, you were the happiest I have ever seen you when you were with Andrew. Almost, and please don't take offense at this, but you were almost like a new person. I knew you were with someone that you really liked and I can only imagine how well he treated you to make you that happy and excited to see him each time you had something planned."

Carina paused, a little knot of guilt beginning to form in her chest as she came to a variety of conclusions as to why the relationship had ended as suddenly as it seemed. "Your life cannot consist of work and work alone. I understand Sven hasn't been... the most reliable, but I am here to rule too. This burden will not be yours alone and you deserve to keep your happiness, regardless of what you think. I would hate to think, and see, you ruin your chance at love and happiness because your monarchs have lost theirs. Because that what it is between you and Andrew, I can see it in his eyes. And I know I saw it in yours."

 

[potassiumboron]

Having made it as clear as she could, in the bluntest of terms, that she didn't wish to discuss the private matter of her ex-relationship a second further, Carina's insistence in carrying on the conversation naturally made Natalia's lips curve downwards into an unimpressed -and genuinely angry- frown. She didn't anticipate the news being taken in with indifference but the least she wanted was for her opinion and her boundaries to be respected; for Carina to acknowledge that this wasn't her place to chime in and instead wait until Natalia was ready to delve into her reasoning.

Now wasn't that time - and yet she was placed on the spot regardless, having to uncomfortably endure the Queen's continued airing of her opinions despite not having asked for them.

She wanted to bite her lip and say nothing; to let the judgements and views wash over her without daring to give them a response because ultimately, she didn't want to place any further discomfort on the shoulders of someone she cared about; someone who had already gone through far too much and contrary to what they said, needed a few hours (at least) to ease back into action. Yet the more Carina spoke and the more she continued to push past the boundary Natalia had firmly attempted to place up (in the belief it would be respected by her friend), the more Natalia was incapable of maintaining her silence, eventually snapping into life once it had all become too much for her to continue dealing with.

"And I would appreciate it if you listened to me in return when I told you I don't want to talk about it," she snapped in an unrelenting expression of her anger, albeit one without great rage or ferocity. The main emotion pushing it was hurt and pain, both from Carina's refusal to respect her wishes-- but mostly from the references of her happiness with Andrew; the reminder of the joy she had felt in the arms of a man she still loved - and who genuinely loved her in return. She didn't want those reminders to be thrown in her face, especially not when she had made it crystal clear that all talk of it ought to be limited as per her needs.

To have such desires dismissed with seeming ease was selfish and entitled-- though naturally, she opted not to air those particular opinions.

"I made the choice because it was -and is- the right thing to do for all involved, even if some parties fail to see it right now. My work is my priority; my service to Sven takes dominance in my life. You can-- y-you can claim to support me, Carina. You can promise me to help share out the work, to free up my time so a relationship is possible for me to enjoy to its fullest, but you are naive at best and deluded at worst if you think that will last more than a handful of months. Once the divorce is finalised, you'll -understandably- leave. You'll be gone. You'll return to Eira and I'll be here, handling everything because Sven is incapable of it by himself-- more so now than ever before. If you honestly believe I can balance a relationship on top of the work here when you've inevitably rushed off to Eira, then you really know nothing--"

She paused as the fast, cutting flow of her words came to an abrupt stop, the advisor recognising the gradual sharpness entering her tone the longer she continued - and delivering her opinions with that sound was far from her intention. She didn't want to have to talk at all, preferring not to engage in a subject she had wanted to move quickly on from in the first place - but such a desire had been brushed aside the instant Carina continued venturing down the path of such a topic.

"...Forgive my tone and my delivery, I don't mean to sound... abrupt with you. But you continued to talk about a matter I have specifically requested we not discuss. As my Queen, you have the right to ask me whatever you wish but as-- as my friend, I... I would like to think you'd respect me enough to acknowledge my boundary and not-- put me on the spot; not make things more difficult for me than they are. My choice is my choice. You may not like it, Carina, but I... want you to be a friend and respect it That is all I ask of you."

She let a quiet breath escape as her hands to rest together in front of her, having smoothed out the fabric of her plain dress in an effort to appear more composed than she felt. A smile was pushed onto her face for that very reason, even if there was little to disguise away from the faint glistening of upset shining unsubtly in her eyes.

"I'll have someone bring you the required files and paperwork for you to peruse; I... have other work to be busying myself with, but call for me if you need me. I'm here to assist in any way I can, work-related or otherwise.

 

[Viverescribere]

"...I think I'll be fine, Natalia. You occupy yourself how you see fit, don't go worrying about me."

Carina's reaction was automatic, if slightly stunned and mechanic after the advisor's outburst. She had sunk back into the bed after her initial shock at the news but she was aware of the muscles in her body tensing the more and more agitated and animated Natalia became. In the time that she had known the woman, she had never experienced the kind of emotional response she had just witnessed from the redhead.

It was, of course, very indictive of an Ignisian and so Carina knew she shouldn't have been surprised - especially as she knew she may have stepped over the line. However, in that sense of entitlement, she felt like she had to. To her, it was clear that Natalia didn't understand what she was losing and Carina couldn't quite understand why the advisor was willing to give it all up so easily. She wanted so desperately to see some sort of happiness - perhaps derived from the lack of such in her own parents' marriage and definitely now with her own - that she was willing to overlook Natalia's wishes and pursue that avenue for her.

Later, she would come to her senses and be extremely frustrated at the way Natalia spoke to her. The snapping and the anger directed at her for something Carina felt was not her fault. She was simply looking out for her friend and wanting her to be happy. The monarch couldn't understand why that was so bad.

Especially when her soon-to-be ex-husband, Natalia's other friend, clearly didn't want that. Always poking and prodding and making scathing remarks about how Natalia was attempting to replace him. At least Carina wanted the advisor to find something to replace her and Sven with, even if only to some degree.

"...You should go. You say you have all this work, then you don't need to be hovering around me and ensuring I'm alright. I have the nurse here," she glanced to the side, where a young woman was busying herself, before looking back, "Who I'm sure will come to find you if necessary. And... no rush with the work for me to look over. Make sure you get yourself some food-- you look like you've lost a stone in weight yourself."

Her eyes flickered over Natalia for a brief second longer, fingers softly stroking against Lorcan's back as the now sleeping child continued to rest on her chest. Her lips parted to say something more, however the monarch paused, lips slowly coming together again before she looked down and broke eye contact in favour of looking at her child. Keeping herself from saying anything more that she would probably find herself in more trouble for.

 

[potassiumboron]

Though Natalia decided that it was best for her to take her exit and let tensions simmer down, the desire she felt to immediately respond to the weight remark was an intense one. Her lip curled the moment it arrived, though offence wasn't immediately taken. No, he chose to spend a few seconds soaking it in, contemplating the intent-- before coming to the conclusion that the intent didn't necessarily matter when the words themselves, regardless of context, felt so... unnecessary, at least when they were without the privacy that such a personal note of concern ought to be expressed within.

Because Natalia wasn't taking offence to the concern itself. As uncomfortable as she might be with something so personal to her as her weight being remarked upon with such casualness, she also knew that there was no malice or cutting nature smothering the words. She didn't doubt that Carina cared for her, wanted to see her happy and healthy, so finding issue with her desire to express that sentiment really wasn't something Natalia cared to do.

She just found a problem, a deep one, with that sentiment being presented when they didn't have the luxury of privacy, which was when the advisor would have preferred the personal comments to be shared. Her eyes flickered to the nurse self-consciously, her brows knitting together in the realisation that word could spread; gossip could spring up regarding the comment, passed along salaciously from one person who hated Natalia to another. She could deal with the gossiping, it wasn't exactly alien to her, but doing so on top of everything else she had to deal with wasn't... ideal.

"...I don't... can we not mention personal matters like that so openly? I don't think you'd appreciate me making that comment to you, would you? That's-- I can understand the concern, I can take on the comment, but in private. Just the two of us. I-- dislike the mention of it when we aren't alone, it-- it's not-- it's--" She grimaced at the unsubtle fumbling of her words, her eyes returning to her hands in the desire to avoid both the nurse (because all she did was remind Natalia that every word that had been uttered was taken in by a third party) and Carina.

"I'm fine though, I-- assure you. And I know you care about me, the feeling is mutual on my end towards you. Now just isn't the time for a heart-to-heart and an unburdening of my problems - but I know I can come to you when I do have time to share them, and I appreciate that, Carina. I appreciate you. Don't think my little outburst changes how... how much I care and-- respect you. You're a dear friend to me, don't forget that," she chose to conclude, unwilling to leave the room on a bitter note.

Content that she had made up for her cutting remarks, if only a little, she took a final glance at the other, only turning to take her eventual leave once satisfied that she would be okay. She would be more assured of that fact if Carina chose to sit back and recover slowly rather than rush back into her work but, however tempting it was to try to convince her otherwise, Natalia knew better than to try and change the other's mind when it had been made.

And frankly, she wasn't really in a position to refuse the additional help; not when Sven's current state was so unfocused.

That unfocused state was evidenced by the monarch's decision to simply... head out. The security that his office had provided him now had grown claustrophobic, the stacks of papers and unread decrees that had gone ignored suddenly standing out in his vision, reminding him of the duties he was shirking by locking himself away. That ought to have kickstarted him into gear again, lit a fire within him to prove that he wasn't retreating from the responsibilities expected of him-- but it didn't.

On the contrary, the physical presence of his duties pushed him farther away, both mentally and physically as he opted to abandon the castle entirely in favour of the local tavern, a hooded cloak disguising his royal status as he chose to drown his sorrows in a beer or two. The environment around the Ignisian people who had lost faith in him in favour of his wife might not be ideal, but it was better than remaining locked in an office that had now lost its status to him as a haven.

No, the pub was the best place he could be when it stripped him of the pressure of his status and his problems. For a handful of hours, he could sit back, drink a beer and pretend for a little while that his life, that everything he held dear, wasn't slipping through his fingers before his eyes.

 

[Viverescribere]

Sven was not the only one to feel the desire to escape from where he currently felt confined. While the nurse and doctor were both lovely and their care was exemplary, Carina felt uncomfortable in such a clean and crisp area, the air thick with cleaning fluid and bandages. She knew her body still needed more rest, but she felt unable to continue lying there after almost a week straight of being still. She reluctantly gave up taking Lorcan with her, despite her strongest desire to keep her child with her after everything they had been through. But she knew the nurse was right, she would have trouble - towards the end of whatever walk she took - having the strength to keep herself up, let alone also holding her child.

After allowing her feet to take her wherever her mind wanted to wander, Carina found herself in the library. Her safe and sacred place. Probably the only place in the palace that didn't hold any sort of bad memories.

She quietly wandered through the large space, walking deeper and deeper inside until she came across her favourite fireplace. Her fingers quietly ran over the back of the sofa she often sat at, the one that knew her well during her days of pregnancy. Only they stilled as she lifted her head, eyes landing on the portrait that Sven had painted of her, which now hung above the fireplace.

It wasn't the first time she had seen it. Or the second or third. But it was the first time she had seen it since the discovery of Sven's continued affair and the kidnapping and the end of the war. Even if someone else was in the room, there was no expression on her features to suggest her current state of emotions. The only change was that of her lips parting, mouth falling open ever so slightly as she inhaled at the sight of it again.

Anyone who looked at the picture would be able to tell how happy she was. White-blonde hair cascading over one shoulder, a purple and loose fitting dress unable to disguise the bump that her one hand was so delicately placed over. The other hand holding up a book that her face was directed to, but a small quirk to the one corner of her lip suggesting a playfulness that meant she knew she was being watched, being teased from behind the canvas.

It made her have to sit down, in the same spot that she had once been painted in. And it wasn't long until Carina became aware of tears dripping down her cheeks, the monarch finally releasing all the pent up emotion that she had been suppressing for days in the comfort of her own company. She took the opportunity to not just cry silently, but to unleash everything that had been bottled up inside her. Her grief, her heartache, her anger. The devastation and hurt and anguish.

Natalia had said she wouldn't appreciate comments about her personal life being made so openly. But Carina knew it didn't matter if she did or didn't appreciate it. Comments would be made. Opinions would be formed. No element of her life was private because of who she was. So what did it matter? She just had to accept it.