Fight School [OOC/Signup]

  • So many newbies lately! Here is a very important PSA about one of our most vital content policies! Read it even if you are an ancient member!
Status
Not open for further replies.
Since I was there for most of you writing this, I will have my Assistant-GM do the initial review.
 
First things first.

I suggested to Beta we amend the rules appropriately a LONG time ago. I still have an Internet-bruise from that, so I don't think he liked it very much. The rule remains as it is, and since TECHNICALLY you never placed those exact words anywhere in your CS.....

Nah. You put enough thought into it to write an addendum for me to laugh at and reject with pleasure, so I'll let it slide.

Moving on to the actual CS.

FIRST of all, I want to applaud you for being the first CS in a while to not choose 16 as a year and get yelled at by us. So congratulations are due.

Now then.

Your power really isn't a power at all. You could very easily just state she's smart and has a natural affinity for tough physics. A POWER, per se, is something that no normal human being can do just by putting in effort: anyone could become good at physics if they work at it hard enough. It's perfectly fine to have no power, or you can revise if you wish.

Your personality really doesn't tell me a lot about Eden, but I will tell you, if she's as antisocial as you make her out to be, she's not going to do well at New Peaks, since character interaction is a staple and a requirement. You may want to revise that at least somewhat, otherwise you, and your partners, may have a rough time of it.

Backstory:

First paragraph: Not bad. I actually enjoy your writing style; it's a nice change of pace to see lots of imagery.

Second paragraph: Is the 'new world around her' the special school and therapy? Otherwise, I like where this is going.

Third paragraph: I was reading this, and the name at the end just bugged me for a while...and then I realized this is NOT the Bourne Identity. I'd like a less-famous name, please, or that's gonna bug me all day. I know I'm being nitpicky, but that's because there isn't really anything necessarily WRONG with your backstory. It's just lacking a couple details. Her parents must have spent a lot of money to visit China: Are they rich, or was that their only vacation in 20 years? I think a little bit of background information at the beginning might be nice to add a little more context to the rest of the story.

Fourth paragraph: Okay. I can accept this, but I do want to inform you that New Peaks will probably have her in some sort of traditional class to compensate for her rather lackluster performance when it comes to discipline/sanctioned technique, and they will not allow her to just do her own thing the whole time. New Peaks IS flexible, but they want their students to develop a base understanding of a martial art before letting them truly experiment, so she may be restrained in her creativity around her teachers. Just so you understand: As a third or fourth year, she'd probably be encouraged, but not yet. Again, I can accept the backstory, but I needed to clarify what the consequences may be.

Alright. Final judgment: Watch the few spelling mistakes I noticed, as many more might get distracting. More a nitpick than anything else. Otherwise, keep the advice I gave you in mind, make an edit to the power and perhaps the personality, add a thing to the backstory.

However, none of these things are particularly bad, so I say welcome to Fight School, Romdeaux. Beta'll add you to the roster, given he doesn't have any concerns. Unless you decide otherwise, we can just say she doesn't have a power, alright?
 
First thing's first.

thanks~ That article was satire, anyway, not remotely serious.

Let me amend a few misunderstandings that seem to have cropped up during your reading.

Eden is far from antisocial, she's a reformed psychopath who bears her strongest suit when helping herself as opposed to others. She communicates and makes friends just fine, the only thing is that she finds it difficult to empathize with the needs of others, and prioritizes her own.

Let me reiterate her power, with more specifics. Eden doesn't just "know" physics. It would be more akin to her being fluent in a language, she doesn't think about it, its just part of her psyche. Applied: in a fight, perhaps against a brutish and direct martial art, i dunno, Kyokushin Karate, just to pick something. I'n a fight agaist someone using that, she might intuitively know how to counterbalance a kick to the throat if caught quickly enough, instead of being knocked down, she could counter it in any variety of ways, using even the most obscure physical properties of the opponent. ex. moving from a standing position in lion to a low stance in phoenix, with the ankle hooked in the neck, she could move with the force and bring the leg down, throwing the opponent off balance and opening them for any variety of pins or throws.

That said. I'll just make her power "Combat intuition" It was my first choice. I'll write it into her backstory if you'd like.

Which brings me to my next point, her style. yes, all those things you said are perfectly legitimate. I mentioned above Eden's preference towards her own growth, rules and customs might make that difficult for her in the school,, but nevertheless they must be followed in order to succeed. She knows this. I know this. She isn't just making up a style, Eden has a very firm background in her art. a good 4 or 5 years of it. She isn't a master, obviously, and she certainly doesn't know much advanced methodology, but she has a firm grasp on the roots and basics, without which she would have no ground to develop her own form.

As far as Eden's "New world" That was just a reference to her slow early development, psychologically. She wasn't exposed to a lot when she was young and had only just started to really take things in as a person.

and The name... I just suck at names, I mostly wrote Jason Bourne jokingly... Mostly. In my original draft I had "SOME AMERICAN BOY"

so.

yeah.



------

the vacation, I agree. I hadn't fleshed that out. A lot of Eden's family life is based on my own personal experiences, including her parents' vacationing habits. typically resorting to family outings with cousins or a drive to the beach. Rare is the occasion that she'd ever take a formal "vacation". Her parents also have some minor backstory and personality of their own, if you'd like to hear about it. <8|
 
Yis to that last part, plz. As Beta stated in the rules, monetary backstory is a requirement in the backstory. Sure she got a scholarship...but we want to know her family's economic standing, plz. :P

Anywho, it still doesn't really seem like a power. With enough work, that comes secondhand to more refined martial artists, finding and maintaining balance. Still something anyone can reach with enough dedication. The 'power' aspect means something humans simply can't accomplish. Like Jun's stickiness, Vince's photographic memory, etc. You can't learn these things.

Does that make sense?
 
Romdeaux said:
in a fight, perhaps against a brutish and direct martial art, i dunno, Kyokushin Karate, just to pick something. I'n a fight agaist someone using that, she might intuitively know how to counterbalance a kick to the throat if caught quickly enough, instead of being knocked down, she could counter it in any variety of ways, using even the most obscure physical properties of the opponent. ex.
Click to expand...
.
This holds true of most trained martial artists, really. A more "power" version of it would be like a form of what is called "time compression". "Time Compression is a phenomenon that is said to occur when two highly-skilled fighters engage one another in combat, and time seems to slow down. There is an example at the end of this video.


Greased Smitening said:
but we want to know her family's economic standing, plz.
Click to expand...
.
Not necessary, really.
 
Cfavano said:
basically, third dot sharingan?
Click to expand...
No. Not in any way shape or form. It would more force the state on both fighters, rather than simply allow the user to "see faster" and predict attacks. It is not mind-reading. It is not clairvoyance. It is in no way similar to the Sharingan.
 
Romdeaux said:
Probability manipulation
Click to expand...
nope.jpg
 
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: Nameless and (deleted member)
You mean....Vincento's power.....?
 
Only if you use it like Thane Krios. :3

Kidding. I'm fairly ok with it.
 

^ Click for Thane Krios ^
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom
Back