Alright, I put this off long enough.
Here's my review of Hikaru.
Taking the edits into account, of course.
You're fine by me until we reach the power...
I know Beta's worked with you, but I just...I don't think I can accept the pressure power.
Here's my reasoning:
1: It's got too many uses for a C3 first-year character in my honest opinion. Shields, knocking people over, AND increased power and jump height is overdoing, or 'Hoefing', it, as Beta and I like to call it. The rest of the first-years' powers generally allow one, maybe two, buffs or special abilities; you've got four from my count, and it's just a bit unfair.
2: Most fights at New Peaks aren't going to last three minutes, and the rest barely go beyond that, so that time period of activity is either pointless or too high. I'm not sure which it is right now, but it's one of the two.
3: The way you have it worded, it sounds like the average enemy fighting her practically gets penalized for hitting her, guaranteed, if it's active, due to pressure, shifting balance, and everything else. I don't like this concept: Even though Junkiro has a similar 'punish contact' strategy, Jun's easily prone to letting strong or fast attacks slip through and not get stuck, which is its balance. I don't really see a balance here.
4: Just cut out the crapdoken. It's pointless and adding yet another ability onto Hikaru when I already mentioned my qualms about having too many abilities.
5: I think you're underestimating the depressurization of air. Depressurization is what caused the Columbia Space Shuttle to blow up and is what sucks people out of airplanes when a cabin door is opened. There would be intense compression necessary, beyond a pressurized cabin, to compress air SO sharply that it could form a force capable of blocking attacks, or even be felt enough to even somewhat deter motion. It would take much longer to safely depressurize that, and depressurizing it all at once would probably be enough to send them both flying, possibly even rip the body part in question off of Hikaru.
All these things in conjunction are why I don't like the power on her right now.
Okay, that's taken care of. Moving right along.
Feisty, tomboyish, and stubborn all seem like contrasting character traits to motherly. And just how is she motherly, exactly?
Backstory time.
One paragraph in and you dangle a juicy plot piece, her brother going to the yakuza, and then go into no detail on it whatsoever, like I'm a fish and you're just baiting a hook.. What deals did he pull, what decisions did he make? I'm already put off by the backstory because you lack detail on what seems to be a pivotal plot piece to understanding Akio and Hikaru's backstory.
...So the leader wanted to teach them a better lesson by firebombing their possessions rather than just outright kill them and take their things? No mafia or gang I've ever seen would operate like this: If you piss the mafia off, they don't teach you a lesson to behave next time, they either bust your legs or outright kill you. This suspends disbelief just a bit too much for me. Moreover, if he's been dealing with the yakuza for years, why are they NOW getting pissed off and beating on Akio?
...panicked bystanders rushed to the scene, saw the yakuza, and managed to scare them off? Even with threat of a mob, yakuza have guns and intimidation, bystanders have nothing. Again, REALLY hard to believe. If they were going to make such a dramatic, obvious scene with a firebombing, CLEARLY they feel above the law or have absolutely no fear of notice and would probably have opened fire on the crowd.
Wait, she HAD parents? Why were they never mentioned once? I had honestly thought her brother Akio was her caretaker, and I got terribly confused.
And then, AFTER the yakuza cut ties with Akio and firebombed his house, how in hell's name did he still have 'buddies' in the system who'd help him do something SO irresponsibly stupid as rob their own gang? This whole backstory stinks of too much belief suspension. Any normal human being in the mafia would cut all ties to someone blacklisted by them. Or was a firebombing just a 'friendly warning'? Either way, I'm not buying it.
Lastly, if a student were beaten into a coma on New Peaks property, there would have been a thorough investigation conducted, and they would have undoubtedly turned up at least some of his illegal activities if not the people who beat him into said coma, so I find it hard to believe that Hikaru, his only blood relative would have been left completely in the dark.
The whole backstory seems like it's just strung together plot movers with no interesting detail, no selling points, and seem to be tied together with somewhat unreasonable coincidences and events.
So, based on my review, I'm not ready to accept Hikaru yet. The backstory has some holes that need fixing, and I think the power needs a complete overhaul.
