RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I'm in Honors Physics and I don't understand any of it. The class makes me feel incredibly stupid and I have the option to drop it if I want, but I want it on my transcript and I want to complete the class as my older sister couldn't. My sister and I have had heavy sibling rivalry for as long as I can remember and she's always looked down on my math skills yet she dropped Honors Physics within a month of taking it. I've been surviving for about three months now.

It's a shame that the class is quite literally my nightmare though.
 
I'm not gonna lie....I'm terrified of losing my job right now....I feel like I only mess up.....
 
*headdesk* I used up too many of tomorrow's spoons, and I feel like I don't even have that much work to show for it... now I just feel too dead to even tidy up the notes that I had out...
 
Cried a little after work... Cried a little earlier in the bathroom... Hm... Let's see which next place gets blessed with tears. :')
 
This is why I hate dealing with people.


I need a vacation, away from everyone.


I don't give a shite who you are. I am leaving for a while and god help you if you try o find me.
 
I've had such a bad evening, that my anxiety has left me in a state were I find myself only able to stare at my screen blankly trying not to cry. Fuck today.
 
Why is it so hard to make myself eat sometimes.

Like... I don't even have a reason for not eating. I want food, I like food (or at least I thought I did?), and I've never had any desire to attempt to starve myself to lose weight or anything. I just... don't feel like eating?? I feel hungry, I have plenty of snacks in my dorm, I know that I won't sleep very well if I crawl into bed on an empty stomach, and then I just... don't bother??

And then when I do open up a snack it's like... I don't even want it anymore as soon as I open it. And it's like I have to make myself keep eating it because I know I just need to get some calories in me. And then it's like... you know how they say you shouldn't eat a snack while watching TV or something because that's "mindless eating" and you'll accidentally eat a lot more than you normally would because you're not really paying attention? Well apparently I have the opposite problem, because recently I've been eating while watching multitasking and then I just completely forget that I was eating, and then I leave the food there until like a half hour later when I feel like I have to make myself take at least a few more bites even though I still don't feel like eating even though I'm still hungry.

Why do I not feel like eating when I'm hungry? Why am I like this? >.<
 
my neck... my poor, stiff neck...
 
[spoili]Sometimes I feel as if I'm just tolerated. Like, if people talk to me, it's because they feel sorry for me.

Then I feel as if I'm being petty.

Also selfish and egocentric. The world doesn't revolve around me.

Unless I'm playing Minecraft.[/spoili]
 
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lol what do people mean when they say "oh" or "oho" to a comment or explanation that could receive a lot more substanced answers than that... is "oh" and "oho" spanish for something I don't understand???
 
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It's one in the morning and I just sent a lengthy message to my grandmother in hopes of wrapping up unneeded family drama. I'm worried it will be taken wrong or that my family will be disappointed in me for it.
 
My right leg has been giving out on me repeatedly for the last two days. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I get it, my legs have always sucked at doing their job and holding me up and getting me places (my right-side especially because that's my tighter side) but if they could suck a little less for a while, that would be nice.

My only consolation right now is that my mother isn't demanding I travel 7+ hours to see her this winter but only because I had to tell her (repeatedly) that the stress of winter/holiday trips might actually kill me and aren't good for my physical health in general. Progress?
 
Can't sleep, brain won't stop doing stuff and things. If it keeps it up I shall resort to spiked club to induce sleep.
 
I've been trying not to do this often because I don't like airing my business. But I guess I just need to let it out. Things have been pretty stressful lately. I have schizophrenia. I've been on medication now successfully for about 5 years, but I've also been on disability because of it. Last month they decided that I was healthy enough to go back to work, so they ended my disability. In doing so they also ended my medical coverage, which ya know, is what keeps me stable and able to work in the first place.

Before I got on meds things got so bad that I lost my children. It was only for a short time. But it was something I didn't want to go through again. Without medical coverage I can't get my meds obviously.

So today, practically in tears, I had a conversation with my psychologist. Not only did he get me a 90 day supply of my meds for the time being for less than 3 dollars, but he also found a pharmacy that would only charge me 40$ for my meds once my insurance runs out, as opposed to 164$ which I couldn't afford even with a job.

It's just been very emotional today. I think for once he could tell I wasn't in a good place and was for the first time genuinely trying to help. He even told me he'd keep seeing me without insurance, even if I couldn't pay. Which I never really thought would happen. Needless to say I've cried a few times today because of it.

Anyways.. that's my semi-rant.. thanks for listening.
 
I just wanted to let some shit hang out for a bit. I'm on a General Chatting posting spree, so... MIGHT AS WELL.

I've come to terms and accepted my bisexuality for about five years now, but I'm not in a place where I can openly express that. If I were to be open on my sexuality, I would be put into counseling and expelled from my school (which I'll be graduating from next August, so... almost there. The Senioritis is HARD CORE). It's not just my sexuality that I have to hide, but a lot of my social and religious opinions. I can't express myself very much at my school, except through art, which is still limited (I'm an art major).

I know I'll be okay, and I'll be able to make it to August, but sometimes I feel like a big bird in a small cage, and I want to get out. I've been in this environment my entire life, and I'm starting to feel the effects of it's toxicity. I'm also worried about going totally crazy when I graduate and going off the handle (which a lot of kids who are reared in this environment do).

I'm ready to be on my own, and no longer be held within these strict regulations, but at the same time, while I crave independence, I fear loneliness. I know they're not synonymous, but I'm afraid the pressures of an independent life will give me the same empty, harassed feeling that my current religiously strict environment give me.

ANYWAY. <3 Thanks.
 
So, my student loan company called me today (HA, love them) and basically is like "Heeey, we know you were only paying $100/mo. for your repayment, but we can't renew your plan you had anymore so hope you can afford $500/mo.

Wait. What.

Oh yeah, on top of that my new job is depressing. I love the kids I work with but every kid lives below the poverty line and their parents don't give two shits about them and it pisses me off a lot. I'm suppose to start grad school soon but now I'm re-evaluating my whole life because I feel like in all of my jobs even though they involve getting kicked and hit and bitten frequently (I've always worked with severe special needs kids for the past few years) I still care too much about the kids and it's so emotionally tolling. I still have a hell of a long way to go if I legit choose this as my career path and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

KurokoHeaddesk_zps641b1b22.gif~c200
 
When you manage to completely sabotage something awesome because you're a self-destructive idiot. The game of life.
 
I've been feeling lethargic and foggy all day and I just want to go home and get this move over with.

But with this blizzard being the way it is... ehh... no telling when that'll happen...
 
And now, a quick summary of my day:
  • Slowly but surely, I get the last of my packing done... I felt slow, and foggy, and was tempted to just give up and take a nap as I was taking the sheets off my bed, but I got it all done.
  • I had to walk across campus with my portfolio in order to pick up my photo prints. Why is this a problem? IT IS LITERALLY A BLIZZARD OUT, AND MY PORTFOLIO IS BASICALLY A WINDSAIL. I'm not sure how I survived. But I do know that I effectively went blind due to my glasses fogging up so bad that I couldn't see jack shit. And my face and fingers felt all tingly and numb.
  • Still packing up the last of my stuff -- my mom says that she's almost here and that I should start getting my stuff into one of those wheeled carts that the school has lying around. I still want nothing more than to lie down and not do anything, but I start packing things up.
  • MY MOM HIT A SNOW BANK. I sat around for another hour or so as I waited for updates on the situation.
  • My mom has been towed out of the snow and is on my way to get me again... and she says that we're booking a hotel room because there's no way that driving back is a safe idea.
  • Booking a hotel room took way longer than it needed to because Expedia was being a piece of shit.
  • My mom pulls the car up and we try to get all my stuff in... details of the situation:
    • The cart started getting pushed by the wind/sliding on the ice and NEARLY PUT A DENT IN MY MOM'S CAR (although thankfully I was able to stop it in time)
    • MY HAT BLEW AWAY AND I NEARLY LOST IT BECAUSE I LOOKED AWAY FOR ONE SECOND AND I HAD NO IDEA WHERE THE FUCK IT WAS. Though I eventually found it lying in a snow bank a good distance away.
      • My scarf almost got the same treatment, though thankfully I was able to hold onto it well enough.
    • In general, getting everything into the car was fucking ridiculous... I really hope all my stuff is ok, because I feel like there's a good chance that some things might have gotten damaged from being buried underneath other things that they normally wouldn't have been buried under if we weren't both afraid of getting frostbite and/or blowing away and joining Dorothy in Oz.
  • AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS I DON'T HAVE MY USUAL MEDICATION SO I FEEL GROGGY, LETHARGIC, AND OVERALL NOT WITH-IT ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS SHIT
 
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