Saving and Secrets

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Caleb shook his head. "Probably not very smart if I tag along. If you get caught seeing with someone beaten up like me I might scare your client away before you can even shake hands." He said with a small smile. He looked pretty bad. He was covered in bruises, he didnt want people looking at him weird.. Well he couldnt care about himself, but he didnt want to ruin April's reputation by being around.

April didnt deserve best, even with their small hiccup last night, she was one of the most amazing people he knew. He didnt want other people thinking any different.

"I'll hold down the fort.. And I wont smoke inside, promise." He told her with a small smile. If he went for a smoke he would go downstairs. That was fine. He just had to get used to rules he supposed.
 
"Alright buddy. Stay safe." She told him, giving him a smile as gratitude. She was swift in getting her things together, figured she'd run her errands first and leave the rest of the day to painting; at least she'd be with Caleb. She wondered what he would think of her art. Even if she was a professional painter, it was second nature to be scared of people judging the thing you created and poured your soul into.

April left with a chirpy farewell and drove to her first stop. The bank. While she desposited the check, she thought about how she would balance two people under one pay check. Caleb didn't seem very expensive, certainly not a financial burden. Surprisingly enough, an artist's pay was enough to get by wonderfully. Where it gets tough is when you're supporting a spouse and 3 children. Though, April didn't have a spouse nor did she have any plans for little gremlins wreaking havoc on her life. Just a Caleb.

The client that day was an elderly woman who wanted a mural of her extended family. She was sweet, much more pleasant than the sleazy man from yesterday. It didn't take long, and she was off to the modeling agency to put in a good word for Caleb. Obviously, since she didn't work there herself, she went with a friend who did, and showed the manager a few pictures of him on her phone. She immediately took a liking to him, said she needed more scruffy looking men on the set. He'd be perfect. But of course, he would have to apply and go through the process of interviewing like everyone else.

And at last, April drove home. By then, it was around lunchtime. She didn't quite feel like cooking, so she brought back Chinese takeout.

"Caleb! I'm home!" She yelled, setting the food and her keys on the table.
 
Caleb had tried keeping himself busy for during the day, but it hadnt been easy. He had smoked half a packet in boredom, popped three pills he had smuggled in his bag. He never really had much time to think or time for himself when he didnt have Annabelle with him, he was always doing something, but now that he did have time, he started struggling a lot in his mind. He started thinking of how an awful person he was and how stupid he had been. He started feeling really guilty and ashamed. He couldnt name one good thing he had ever done that didnt involve Annabelle. All he had done had been selling himself or drugs, letting people use him and be a punching bag to them... Being alone made him depressed. He finally was alone with his thoughts and it was nothing but bad memories that popped up, faces he was too scared to see, invisible pains which he felt.

Caleb had ended up sitting on the small balcony outside, he was on the floor, just looking out through the railing. April had scolded him yesterday for being such a downer, he didnt want to be and yet he was. She didnt deserve to be stuck with him, He would only drag her down with him. Maybe it was better if he just left... He had too much baggage to get rid of.

So when April came home there was a note on the table.

"I thought about it, being here and starting over. I know I said I would give it a try, but I simply can't. I carry too much shit with me and noticing how it already effected you last night, I've decided it's best to just leave, maybe find a shelter that can help me recover. I know that I must be disappointing you, that you just want to yell at me that I'm a stupid idiot, but I already know that. You'll be angry and Annabelle will hate me, but you two are stronger than I am.

I can't stay, I'll only drag you and my sister down with me.

I'm sorry.

Please dont try looking for me. You wont find me when I can't even find myself.

-Caleb"

Caleb hadnt known what to do, he was under water, drowning. He would only drag the people who cared about him down with him. This was better, if he just disappeared and went somewhere else or maybe if he killed himself...


(I thought I remembered you saying you liked surprises so... SURPRISE!)
 
(THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST SURPRISE ALL WEEK HOLY HELL I ACTUALLY LOVE/HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW)

Upon a lack of response, April knitted her eyebrows and looked around the apartment. "Caleb? Caleb?" She called. It started as a light hearted beckoning, and before she knew it, her voice grew more desperate. If he had been outside, she would've seen him on her way in. But she hadn't. And he wasn't here. An out of place slip of paper held down to the table by a paper clip caught her eye, finally. She picked it up and scanned through it.

"Oh god. Oh god." April read through the slip of paper, her eyes glazing to reflect the horror that clouded her mind. "No." She managed, choking. "No, no, no, no," She repeated, crumpling the slip in shaking hands. April knew that tone all too well. The hopelessness that stung with each scribbled word, the messy, hurried handwriting, the sheer simplicity of a note placed quietly on a dinner table, almost like a grocery list. Eli's suicide note. She had found it, messily scribbled and taped to the bathroom mirror. And the note that she held in her hand reflected it with an almost uncanny resemblance.

April ran. Out the door, down the stairs, almost tripping over her own terror, she ran and slammed the door to her car. "Where? Where? Where?" She asked herself as she sped through the town, eyes glancing desperately, left and right to find him. A broken man. A friend. Her friend. The man who had reminded her how nice the grass felt under clothing, how beautiful the trees were on a swealtering summer day, how absolutely wonderful it was to care for someone so very much. She almost couldn't believe her eyes when she saw a man leaning over the bridge, staring into the water below.

April pulled over almost instantly. She ran out of the car, leaving the door open.

"Caleb!" She screamed, running right into him. Eyes shut tight, she threw her arms around the man, clutching the front of his shirt. He could feel the back of it start to wet. "Stop. Don't do it. Don't do it. Please, please, don't do it." April whispered, her voice muffled. She repeated the phrase into his back, as if, if she did so enough times, it would be okay. He would be okay. She would be okay.

And everything would be okay.
 
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Caleb didnt know where he had walked, he let his feet guide him until he reached a bridge. It was pretty tall so it would only take a fall to kill him. Suicide was a very selfish thing, that's what people always said. But for him, maybe staying alive would be selfish. He would only mess up, only fuck up and drag the people he loved down with him. He had too much shit on his shoulders, too much weight for him to keep standing. If he didnt get rid of himself, he would only fall down with the people that were helping him stand.

Caleb had tears in his eyes as he thought of Annabelle. She would hate him, hate him for leaving her behind, but she had a good life, a family that loved her and knew how to care for her properly, they could provide for her and basically do everything that he couldnt. For April he would just get in the way, in the way of her routine, her life, her career... He was doing this because he cared, because he could protect them.

Caleb's eyes were bloodshot from tears and drugs, he was about ready to step over the edge when he suddenly felt his name being shouted and someone crashed into his back, crying as they begged him not to do it. More tears rolled down his face as he listened to April. "I can't do this April." He said and shook his head. "I'm tired, everything hurts, I'm weak, I'm a nobody- nothing. I dont matter, i only drag people down, I always have and I doubt that's going to change... Please just let me do this." He whispered, begging her as he sobbed softly, he felt so broken that he didnt think he could get fixed. He couldnt keep living with this pain.
 
April listened to him speak. Her grip loosened. "Yeah. I know. I know it hurts. I know it's bad. I know you're tired." She said simply, tugging at his shirt. "Hey. Do you remember a couple months ago? It was a Saturday. We were all playing cards in the car by the park. Nothing special. The sun was on our backs. We had sandwiches and juice in the car. Annabelle was giggling because she had won over something stupid. I kept calling for a rematch because I refused to be beat." April said softly, laughing weakly at the memories. Nostalgia accompanied her with melancholy.

"Do you remember that, Caleb? I do. And I really don't want that memory to become something that I spend hours viciously crying about, clawing at my chest to make that terrible feeling go away. Caleb, I can't fix you. I can't make your problems disappear. Only you can do that. But you know what I can do? I can be with you. I can hold your hand and walk with you, every single step of the way. When did you start to believe you were alone? I can't and I won't let you do this. I know you want to leave but friend, please, don't take your life away from me." She said, sobbing softly into the back of his shirt.

"Don't throw away your life to be a statistic in USA Today. If you were happy every single day of your life, then you wouldn't be human. You'd be a game show host. You're more than insignificant. You're here. You're here. You are so, so very much present. You are important." April told him. They had started to draw a crowd. It was fairly easy to decipher what was happening. A man leaning over a bridge and a woman screaming at him painted a picture so simple, a toddler could understand.
 
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"That's the thing... I can't fix myself." Caleb said and bit his lip. "I'm not important... I'm only a burden. I can't do anything right, I'm disgusting with everything I did. You'll forget me, Anna will forget me one day. Memories fade, people fade... I might as well make myself fade before I make things worse." He said and looked down the water again.

He could hear the people whispering and talking behind them, it was making him uneasy and anxious. His heart was racing and his breathing sped up, he started getting a pain in his chest before Caleb suddenly collapsed and fell down. People gasped in shock. "Someone call 911." Someone said and different people started calling immediately.

Caleb's skin was really pale, his cheeks tearstained and raw. He almost looked dead. Sirens were soon heard in the background, but the crowd of people only grew bigger. Something like this didnt happen every day.

(Sorry it's short.)
 
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The rest was a haze. The sirens were deafening. People's whispers were irritating. April kept crying, though her expression was detached. April herself was detached. Her mind felt numb. She wasn't allowed inside the ambulance, and since she wasn't family, she couldn't visit. She sat in her car for a very, very long time. Thinking. Crying. Remembering. Crying. Laughing. Crying.

He likely wouldn't have any contact information on him about Annabelle and her foster family, for obvious reasons, so she headed over to tell them. Annabelle had a right to know, as much her foster parents might detest it or him. She stepped onto the porch and gave the door a few light taps, rubbing her face. She wondered if it would seem very obvious.

"Hello, Mister and Missus Adams. I'm April, a friend of Caleb's. I have to speak with you about something. I ask that Annabelle is present as well, as it pertains to her brother." She started. They allowed her in, sat her down in the living room, and called in Annabelle. She seemed ecstatic to see April, much to the family's surprise. She spoke slowly and calmly, explaining the events that led her to this moment with little emotion as she could muster. And she did. But she couldn't stop the tears from falling. And she couldn't stop Annabelle's tears either. No one could. She them left the address of the hospital he was admitted in, and with that, she was gone.

Home. Except she didn't want to return home, so she drove around the town until her stomach audibly protested. That was right. She hadn't had lunch either. It was getting dark. By 11:00, April had returned to her apartment and discovered she had forgot to lock the door. She searched her home for a good ten minutes before deciding there was no intruder. April didn't have the appetite for food, but she knew she had to eat. A few spoonfuls of fried rice and she was done, leaving to go sleep. But she didn't really sleep, she just laid in bed contemplating.
 
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Annabelle had forced her foster parents to take her to Caleb, and after throwing a fit they did. They hurried to the hospital and when they found out where he was, Annabelle hurried to him, gasping when she saw him. He was hooked up to an IV and had this breathing thing in his nose as well the heart monitor clip on his finger. She immediately started crying and climbed in bed with him, not caring what anyone said.

Caleb had to stay in detox for a week for now according to the Doctor, two weeks at most but that depended on how bad it was. Anna had stayed with her brother for a few days, going to see him after school. Her foster parents might not like him but they wanted the best for Annabelle right now and the little girl wanted to take care of her big brother. It was in the weekend that her foster mom allowed her to go see April while she was in the city with a friend.

Annabelle knocked on the door and waited for April to open up, as soon as the young woman did, Anna hurried in and hugged her friend tightly around the waist and started to cry again softly. She didn't know why Caleb did what he did, he wouldn't tell her. He barely spoke at all to her which hurt Anna a lot. What had happened to her brother that he wouldn't look or talk to her anymore? Was it her fault?

"I don't think Caleb wants me anymore." She mumbled in April's stomach, big tears rolling down her face. "I don't know what I did." She cried and sobbed softly. The Caleb she saw in the hospital wasn't the same Caleb she was used to. It was hard to imagine that had been her brother. "He won't smile anymore or tell me jokes. He doesn't talk to anyone." She said and looked up at April. "You have to talk to him. He always talked a lot about you." If anyone could get her brother back the way he was it would be April.
 
April had spent the rest of the week in a viscous cycle of painting and sobbing and eating and sleeping. She didn't leave the house. She didn't visit him. She didn't think she could face Caleb after that day- she just couldn't. She wondered if he hated her. Or if she had taken the wrong step somewhere along the way, guided him in the wrong direction. Maybe she was the cause of his appalling state. A couple times, when she could manage to speak coherently, she would call to ask the state of him. They never really went into detail.

"How long has it been? A week?" She mumbled to herself, putting down the paintbrush she had held sloppily. Standing, she went to find her phone. After days of holing yourself in, time starts to warp some. Before she could even walk out of the room, the doorbell rang. Surprised, and a little fearful, April grabbed a can of mace and opened the door cautiously. She was suddenly greeted by a little girl around her waist, to which her response was to fall back. She threw the can to the side and wrapped her hands around Annabelle, nuzzling the girl's hair. Pulling back, April tapped their foreheads and held her hands lovingly. Reassuringly.

"Annabelle, sweetheart. You were the reason Caleb even got up in the morning, why he worked and earned and ate. He doesn't hate you. He could never hate you. I don't think he's physically capable of hating you. Dear, he's just in a really, really bad place right now. Things are really hard for him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you. He spent half of his life working for you and I'll be damned if he gives up on you now." She tells her, running her hands through her hair.

"I'll- I'll visit him. Don't worry. He'll be up and on his feet in no time." April says, standing up. "Now, little lady. Did you get permission to come with me to the hospital?" She asks, closing the door finally and getting her a box of juice. She untied her hair and tossed her apron in the bin. It was routine at this point.
 
Annabelle held onto. She wanted to believe her but it was really hard when it didn't seem like Caleb wanted anything to do with her. When april asked If she had permission, Annabelle nodded. "They gave me a phone so can call when they need to pick me up.." She said and showed April an old Samsung smartphone she had gotten.

Anna was really hurt and didn't know what to say to her brother. He didn't even look like her brother anymore. Caleb was always cheerful and smiling, but now he was always so sad. It worried her a lot.

Caleb was in the recreation room with some other people. He was just kind of just sitting against the window looking outside. He didn't really bond with others or interact with them. He wasn't drawn to them. All he could feel was guilt, guilt because of what he had done.. Or almost done. He had nightmares about it, standing on the bridge with April behind him begging him not to do it. Sometimes it was her but sometimes it was Anna or it was the both of them telling him to just do it.

Anna had stopped by a lot since it happened, but he couldn't say anything because he just felt so guilty and bad. He didn't know how to pick himself up from this. He didn't even know what to do once he got out, he doubted April wanted him around after everything.
 
April nodded. "Here. You must be worried sick. Sit down for a bit. I'll be out in just a minute." She told her, stepping into her room to freshen up and change out of her pajamas. Soon, she was out and holding Annabelle's hand to the car. She had always wanted to sit in the front seat, so April let her, just this once.

"Seatbelts." She said, strapping on her own. The drive to the hospital took quite a bit. It was downtown, past the highway. Driving downtown always made her anxious, and on top of that she was going to visit the man whom, the last time she spoke to, was about to jump off a bridge. She was breathing heavily by the time they parked, sweating and almost crying. Tell tale signs of a panic attack.

"Miss April? Miss April, are you okay?" Annabelle asked, undoing her seatbelt. She sat up and went to go touch April's forehead. April was, in a word, overwhelmed. After a while of Annabelle calming her down, April sighed.

"I'm fine. Sorry if I worried you there. Just a little, uh, nervous." She told her, laughing slightly. They got out of the car and made the elevator trip up to the floor he was on, before going to the front desk. They both recieved the small stickers and were allowed inside. Annabelle guided her to Caleb's room, as she had it memorized by now, but they found it empty. Confused, April turned to open the door, but the knob turned and the door slid open on its own.

Caleb. April froze. Annabelle fled the room, slipping past he brother with her eyes shut. Had he always been this feeble? Had he always had a limp in his step? Had he always looked so very sad?

"Hey."
 
Caleb had gone back to his room, but had not expected April there and honestly not Annabelle since it was weekend and she probably had something better to do. Annabelle didnt seem to want to be around him since she left as fast as he opened the door. He didnt know what to do about that. Why did she come here only to run off? "Hey." He said to April and walked to his bed, climbing in. She hadnt visited him once, why was she here now?

Caleb opened his mouth to say something, to apologise, but he doubted an apology would be good enough. She probably wouldnt even believe his words if he said he was sorry.

"Wha-what are you d-doing here?" He asked her a bit nervously as he fiddled with his fingers nervously. He was a disgrace. Someone as good as April shouldn't be talking to him or even being in the same room as him. He was a bad person.

Caleb bit his tongue for a moment when he felt tears coming up. He was such a weakling. Why couldnt he put up a smile and be grateful that someone came to visit him? To talk to him? No one ever came for him, except for Annabelle, but otherwise he was always alone, no one cared besides Annabelle. Why did April care? All he did was stand in her way of everything.

Caleb tightened his hands in the covers of the bed. Why did he keep feeling like this?
 
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April sat at the side of his bed, contemplating what to say. What was left to say? She watched him fiddle with his hands and nervously ask her what she was doing, she watched his eyes well with tears that reflected her own for the past week.

"Annabelle came over to my house today. She wrapped her little hands around my waist and told me that you didn't want her any more. Caleb, she thinks it's her fault." She told him, her eyes softening. She went to hold his hands, taking them from their terrified grip on the covers to her own warm ones.

"Caleb, you're so, so strong. I'm so-" She choked up a little bit. "I'm so proud of you. I know you're in a bad place, bud. I know it fucking sucks like all hell. I know. I don't need you to be thankful. No- no, please don't cry. Hey, hey. Caleb. It's okay. It's okay now. Everything is fine. You're going to be okay. Trust me." She said as he choked up even more.

"Caleb. Caleb, you taught me how to leave the house and sit in the park with a friend and enjoy the clouds and the warmth of the sun. Caleb, you brought me to where I am today. You know what I was doing before I met you? I was sitting in my living room with buckets of paint and absolutely no motivation to do anything. My sleeping schedule was insane and I felt like shit daily. It was like I was in a box that was slowly filling with water. Most days, it was up to my neck. Now, well, a little while back from now, there was barely any water at all. Caleb. I know there's a voice in your head telling you that you're absolutely worthless but listen to me when I say you're not. You're not. You're so, so important to me." She tells him, her voice gentle yet firm.

Annabelle poked her little head out from the doorway, listening.
 
(I'm crying! TTnTT)


Caleb couldnt hold himself back anymore and felt tears roll down his face when she took his hands and said that she was proud of him. There was nothing to be proud of. He was such an awful person especially since he was making his sister think this was her fault. It was anything but her fault, it wasnt anyone's fault besides his own.

He didnt know what to say as he gritted his teeth to keep back a sob. "I dont know how to do this, April." He whispered and bit his lip. "I'll only get in the way of everything and everyone... You and Annabelle are the only people that I have, the only two people that I love, but... I dont know what to do anymore. I can't even look myself in the mirror without remembering all the disgusting things I've done. I keep thinking that I should just go back to that because at least I can satisfy someone that way... I dont know how to get out of this hole." He said and sniffed.

Caleb looked at their hands and sighed but squeezed her hands a little. "I thought that if I killed myself, you and Anna would be better off, especially Anna. She has a good home, a family that loves her. Even if I find a job and a place of our own, I wont be able to care for her like that..." Caleb felt egotistic, he was only talking about himself and his issues.

"I miss her... I miss you... But you two have other things to worry about than just depressed little me. I feel like a burden even now because I'm holding you back from living the life you should. Anna coming here after school everyday, she should be playing with friends and not even thinking about me... I really wish I could just jump out of this depression, but I can't... So I need you to check on Anna for me, to keep her happy because I cant anymore. I lost the strength for that. How am I supposed to take care of her when I can't even take care of myself?"

He really wished he could believe her words, that he was important... But the demons inside of him kept saying the opposite. He didnt know how to defeat those words in this state and he didnt know how to get out of this state.
 
(I know!!)

April looked at their hands as he spoke. "No. No, no, no, no. Stop it. Killing yourself solves nothing. It doesn't. It never does. It never will. Your sister is going to grow up feeling really confused for a really long time. And angry. And hurt. And," She took a breath. "Sad. It'll be really really hard for her to live normally- for a really long time." She said finally.

"Yeah. I will, I promise, I'll take care of her. I'll keep her as happy as I can, but Caleb. Caleb you know her happiness rests in you, right? She's standing out here, listening to us right now. She's worried. She's terrified." April's voice softened for a moment.

"But you're not in this alone. You're surrounded by doctors and therapists who know how to help you. They've been medically trained for this. Trust them. I can spout some words here and there, but Caleb, you need to have the want to pick yourself off the ground and start swinging. I know you have it in you. You- you have a life waiting for you. A job. A home. A sister. A friend." She said to him, holding up their hands.

Suddenly, Annabelle rushed into the room and threw herself onto Caleb, and April retracted her hands. She smiled, rubbing the girl's head.

"See? She believes in you. She wants you to get better. She knows you can get better."
 
When Annabelle came rushing in and crashed into him, immediately clamping around him with her arms and legs, both siblings started crying into each other.

Annabelle missed her brother so much. She didnt want him to die or to kill himself, he was precious to her and she loved him very much. Even if everyone would hate him she would love him no matter what. "Please don't leave me, Caleb." Annabelle whispered. "You're the strongest person I know, you have to come home. Then we can be happy again." She told her brother as she clung to him. "It's going to be okay."

Caleb couldn't say anything as he just held Anna in his arms, tears still rolling down his face. He just felt like a real failure right now. Everybody was voting on him to get better except for himself. He had wanted the opposite which made it worst. He just felt so guilty. "I'm so sorry." He whispered into her. Anna hugged his head and stroked his hair. It's what he always did to make her feel better. "It's going to be okay Caleb. It always gets better." She told him. Annabelle suddenly had a bright idea. "We should see if they have any icicles and we can all have one." She knew that the simple childish iced water was her brother's favorite and it always made him smile. Before Caleb could say anything Anna had hopped off the bed and run out of his room to get them three icicles.

Caleb looked away and roughly wiped his eyes. "Please don't leave me alone." He said to April. Being alone was the hardest, he would be clouded in darkness, but when Anna came along or April, he felt a little better. He didn't want them to leave him. He knew Annabelle had a curfew but he really hoped that April would stay with him as long as she was allowed.
 
April sat with her hands in her lap as the siblings sobbed into each other. She twiddled her thumbs, suddenly nostalgic in a way that made the tiles that ran across the floor look a little more weary, a little more familiar. Pulling her knees up, she chuckled lightly at Annabelle, who ran off to get them icicles. "Don't get lost!" April called after her.

She looked to Caleb in surprise when he asked her to stay. He had never really given any indication that he wanted her with him before this. April smiled kindly. She pulled her hands up to cup both sides of his cheeks, bringing her face closer to his to touch her lips with his forehead, before tapping both their heads together lightly. "I'm not going any where. I'm staying right here, Caleb. Right here." She repeated, nodding.

Promptly, Annabelle ran into the room with three icicles, giggly. April looked around her shoulder and grinned.

(Could we timeskip to like later that night, after Annabelle has to leave? Also, sorry it's short)
 
(Sure, want anything to happen there? Or just the two in bed cuddling or something?)
 
(Nah, I'll save the cuddling for when they get back to April's place. Maybe just some extra emotional dialogue. Maybe April has to go to the main counter to ask if she could stay the night, and by the time she gets back, he's asleep. So she does what any sensible person would do: pulls up a chair, lays her head down on the bed and falls asleep next to him)
 
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