[Samuel x Roman]

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Every time Samuel had to shift Roman on his back was horrible. He bit down on his own sleeve to stop himself from screaming whenever it occurred. This was one of the most painful experiences of his life, easily worse than bleeding like he did.

There was a reason Roman didn't do shit like that -- there was a reason he didn't go on high places or play sport or do anything like that. This was the reason. But in a moment of utter stupidity he had forgotten that he was fragile, and now he was suffering the consequences. So, in a way, he deserved this. It was a reminder of what he wasn't capable of doing.

When Elliot and Samuel put him on the couch he couldn't hold back the cries anymore and they just came out of his mouth, jagged wails of pain as his back was moved and he was then set on the soft couch. Bella was crying too by now. Blake had to take her into the kitchen to help her calm down a little.

"It hurts," he whimpered. It was all he could manage when Samuel asked him that question.

Elliot kissed Matilda on the top of the head and sat her down. Roman guessed she was terrified because she hadn't experienced anything like this before. Roman just stared at the opposite wall.

"Here," said Blake, coming back into the room with a tube of Roman's bruising cream and a bottle of his painkillers. "Maybe these will help."

"Good idea," said Elliot, taking the bruising cream and handing it to Samuel before leaning over Roman and very gently putting a couple of fingers on his back. "Okay, Roman, Samuel's going to put some bruising cream on your -- Jesus Christ."

Elliot had slid up Roman's shirt, revealing his back, and what they saw was horrifying. Roman's entire back was like one big bruise. It was a dark purple, almost black, stretching from his shoulders to his pelvic bones. Elliot retracted his hand, scared to touch it.

He squatted down beside Samuel to murmur, "I think he might need to go to the hospital."
 
Actually seeing the bruising on Roman's back was terrifying and made the pain Roman seemed to be in make more sense. When Elliot suggested Roman might need to go to the hospital Samuel just ended up staring at him for a minute. It wasn't that he was wrong, not at all, in fact, Samuel just hated the idea that Roman needed to go to the hospital, that this was too bad of a bleeding to deal with at home.

Finally, Samuel nodded and uttered a weak "okay". He took out his phone and as he typed the number he said "I'm calling an ambulance". Trying to get Roman to the hospital by themselves would a hundred percent be too painful. He did manage to make the call, telling the person on the phone what happened and where they currently were, unlike last time he had had to call the hospital because of Roman's haemophilia, which had been all the way back when his father had punched Roman.

As he talked he kept his eyes glued on his boyfriend's pained expression, keeping himself from the actual bruising because of how horrible it looked. When the call had been made Samuel put his phone back in his pocket and reached out to cup Roman's face and rub his thumb along his cheek bone. It probably wasn't helping, all Roman seemed to register at that moment was additional pain. Samuel just couldn't take just sitting there while waiting.

But that was all they could really do now, wait for the ambulance so that Roman could get proper care from someone who knew what to actually do in case of such bad bruising. Samuel used his free hand to rub his eyes, removing any tears before they came out, he hated this whole situation, it was horrible and he didn't want to wait because every minute they waited was time Roman spent in pain.
 
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Roman knew he needed to go to the hospital so he didn't protest when Samuel called an ambulance. He probably would have even suggested it himself if Elliot hadn't. Help was on the way and that made him feel more reassured.

As did Samuel's gentle hand on his face. Roman looked at him with agonised eyes as he waited for help to come.

The paramedics arrived within ten minutes and Elliot showed them in. He was explaining what had happened to them as well, also explaining Roman's haemophilia and the complications it caused. The paramedics took a look at Roman's back and then proceeded to set up the stretcher bed.

Roman cried out when they moved him but it was necessary so he didn't try and stop it. They laid him down on his stomach and carefully wheeled him out to the ambulance. They also gave permission for Elliot and Samuel to ride with him.

"Stay here," Elliot said gently to the three girls. Bella was hysterical, Blake needed to take care of her and Elliot didn't want Matilda to see such horrid things.

In the ambulance the paramedics cut open Roman's shirt to survey the full extent of the damage. It was horrible. His entire back was a dark, violent purple, from his shoulders to his waist. The paramedics looked horrified, too.
 
As the paramedics arrived and lifted Roman up on the stretcher Samuel silently wished that they had just called the ambulance straight away, then they wouldn't have had to carry him home, causing him so much more pain than necessary. What had been done had been done though and the most important part was that Roman was getting into the ambulance. Elliot and Samuel were informed that they could ride along which Samuel was incredibly relieved about because he really didn't want to leave his boyfriend all alone in this state of pain.

Samuel had never really been in an ambulance before but now that he was he decided did not like it one bit. Elliot and he were seated out of the way for the paramedics meaning there was a distance between them and Roman. Not far by any means, but far enough to make Samuel more nervous. He had just carried home and then been able to at least try to comfort him by touch.

It wasn't that weird that they seemed just as horrified as they had been upon seeing Roman's back, Roman's condition was a rare one after all and Samuel wouldn't be surprised if the paramedics couldn't actually do much other than to get him to a real doctor as fast as possible. Samuel prayed what they were doing was at least easing the pain.

Luckily there was less traffic as it was a little later in the evening and the ride to the hospital wasn't too horribly long, Roman was wheeled out of the vehicle and Samuel decided to just tail Elliot, unsure of what to actually do in this situation. He had no idea if Elliot had had to ride along with Roman or anyone else before, but he had known Roman significantly longer so there was always a possibility.
 
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When the ambulance arrived at the hospital, Roman was wheeled out of the vehicle and was wheeled to the haematology ward, where the hospital had already called Roman's usual blood doctor to meet them. Elliot put a gentle hand on Samuel's elbow to guide him through the hospital. He knew how Samuel was feeling -- he had seen things like this happen to Roman far too often for his liking.

Roman was very gently lifted off the stretcher and onto a hospital bed, still on his stomach. This hurt considerably less than everything else had, because he wasn't being jostled too much.

"Can't you give him some painkillers?" Elliot asked the paramedics.

"No. We can't give him anything until his doctor comes," the paramedic apologised.

The paramedics had to leave and were replaced with nurses and then his doctor, an elderly Swiss man who went by the name of Dr Andrist. "Oh, dear, Roman, what have you done to yourself?" he asked gently. Roman had met him a few times already and liked him a lot. He was funny, and always managed to cheer him up.

Well, not right then, but most of the time.

"I feel off the monkey bars," Roman whimpered.

"Oh dear," Andrist sighed. He came around to gently touch Roman's back in a place where the bruises weren't so dark and scary. He shuddered in pain anyway. "Okay, no touching, I see. Okay, I'm going to give you some morphine."

"Thank you."

Soon Roman was attached to an IV and Dr Andrist was inserting some morphine into the tube. Dr Andrist turned to Samuel and Elliot. "You are Roman's friends, yes?"
 
"Yeah," Samuel said, the doctor seemed nice enough and he had finally done something to help Roman, which was relieving but Samuel still felt incredibly stressed and worried, "Or, well, friend--" he pointed to Elliot, "--Boyfriend," he pointed to himself.

He didn't know why he felt the need to specify. It wasn't important right now, not at all. But he didn't feel like he had time to think through what he was saying either because he wanted to get to what was important, "Is he going to be okay?"

Samuel had know Roman for well over a year by now, yet he didn't know if this was what was normal for this kind of bruise. If he hurt himself like this would he have normally gone to the hospital or was this something really bad? Was he supposed to seriously worry or was this one of those things that were just everyday things for Roman? Even if It was an everyday thing Samuel would have been, worried, but still. Was he supposed to be scared his boyfriend wasn't going to properly recover?
 
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"Well, I can't really tell much now," said Andrist as he watched Roman's taut muscles slowly relax due to the morphine running through his veins. "We'll need to X-ray his back, make sure nothing is broken, track where the blood has been rushing to."

Elliot's jaw flexed. "So he has to stay overnight?"

"Most likely."

Roman sighed heavily upon hearing this. Great. He didn't want to stay here but he knew his chances of going home were incredibly unlikely.

Roman was taken to a nearby ward to get an X-ray and came back to his friend and boyfriend within thirty minutes. He was still laying on his stomach with no shirt on, displaying the horrid bruise on his back. He was properly awake now, though, the morphine was still working so he wasn't in too much pain. For now.

"Okay, the good news is that nothing has been broken, ruptured, or is damaged," Andrist told Elliot and Samuel. "His entire body is perfectly intact. The bad news is that his bruises are very severe, as you can see. He will recover, but he won't be able to walk for a couple of days at least."

"Can we take him home tonight?"

"Yes." Andrist was writing a prescription. "I'll have to prescribe some morphine for you to take home -- though, that will mean you won't be able to take your anxiety medication, Roman."

"Fantastic."

"You'll need to stay in bed for the next five days at the very least, and after a week you can resume your anxiety meds."
 
The time they spent waiting was time spent worried. Samuel kept sub consciously tapping his foot on the ground and every time he caught himself he stopped only to do the same thing again a minute later.

Samuel didn't want Roman to have to stay overnight because that meant he wasn't well enough to go home. He didn't want Roman to have broken anything or whatever worse things could have happened.

When the doctor came back with Roman to tell them Roman was going to be alright and that he would be able to come home Samuel felt incredibly relieved and finally stopped tapping his foot. But his heart sank at the mention of Roman not being able to take his anxiety medication while taking morphine for the pain.

This was probably going to be very difficult for Roman, Samuel was, of course, determined to be there for him no matter what, but that wasn't magically going to fix anything really. He couldn't do anything about the pain and he knew by now that anxiety wasn't really rational.

"We should call someone at home to be ready to come pick us up" Samuel said, mostly to Elliot, before heading over to sit down next to Roman and run his fingers through his hair again in an attempt to comfort him, since Roman obviously wouldn't be feeling good after these revelations, "at least you get to go home, yeah?"

He wouldn't have to deal with his anxiety and the pain in a depressing hospital room, he could go home and lay in his own bed in the comfort of his own room.
 
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"Yeah," Roman mumbled.

Elliot called Blake and soon Roman was being wheeled out to the car. Elliot picked up Roman's prescription from the pharmacy on the way out and they also paid to rent the wheelchair -- which thankfully wasn't too expensive, only thirty dollars -- while Roman was injured. Blake came with the car and Elliot helped Roman in. His entire back was numb, which was why he couldn't walk, so it didn't hurt anymore.

Soon they were home. "I want to go downstairs," Roman said.

"You sure?" Elliot asked nervously.

"Yes." If he was going to be bedridden for the next week then he wanted to actually be in his bed. So, Elliot helped Samuel carry him downstairs by keeping a hand on Roman's back and Samuel's elbow to steady him. In a few minutes Roman was sitting up in bed. He had been told that while he was taking the painkillers he wouldn't be able to walk for a little while, but he would be able to sit, and move his arms to some extent.

Roman hated this.

"I'll go get KFC for dinner," Elliot suggested. Roman just shrugged, though that was difficult for him to do.

Once Elliot had left, Roman turned to Samuel. "Thank you," he whispered. "For looking after me."
 
After a while and some struggle they finally got home and got Roman downstairs and into bed. Samuel was glad they had managed to carry him there because if Samuel had been in his position he wouldn't have wanted to spend his time recovering in the living room couch or something. But all in all, he felt sad because Roman wouldn't really be leaving the bed much at all the coming days.

Samuel sat down next to him and gave him a small smile as he was thanked, helping him right now was such an obvious thing to do, he wouldn't have really needed to thank him at all.

"of course," Samuel said, keeping his voice quiet to match Roman's tone, "I'll always look after you when you need it, I love you"

Samuel brushed some hair out of his boyfriend's face and just looked at him for a moment. He looked tired, like always after a bleeding, but Samuel was more worried about his recovery now than he had been the last couple of times. He hadn't had to go to the hospital the last couple of times, and sure they had been told he has as okay as someone with Roman's condition could be after that kind of fall, but the fact that he had needed to go there at all was scary.

"What do you want to do while we wait for dinner?" he said we because he wasn't leaving Roman's side while he was recovering, and he wanted him to know that. And because he was physically next to him of course, but it was meant to mean more than that "We could watch a movie, or if you want to you could just rest some,"
 
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Roman had been bedridden for three days now, and he hated it. His back was always numb and all he was able to do was watch TV and draw. He had to ask people to help him to the bathroom and get him food, though he couldn't eat much while on the morphine. He had insisted Samuel keep going to school and luckily there was always someone else home when his boyfriend wasn't. Roman hated this.

He was watching Gossip Girl when Samuel came home from his university courses on Thursday. Roman looked up when he entered and gave him a small smile, before he noticed a bruise on his boyfriend's leg, obtained from soccer practice. It occurred to Roman that he hadn't seen the bruises on his back yet.

He hadn't wanted to. He hadn't wanted the visual aide on his pain. But now it was just going to infuriate him until he saw it.

"Samuel?" he said, looking at his boyfriend. "Can you show me the bruises on my back? Like, with the mirror or something?" There was a mirror leaning against the wall that Roman had taken down from one of the spare bedrooms, planning to mount it, but he had never had the time.
 
A couple of days passed since Roman's fall and injury and he was still spending every day in bed and still needed a lot of help. Samuel went to school only because Roman asked him too and because they were enough people living in the house for there to be at least one other person there at all times.

He came home that Thursday expecting to do the things he had done all other days of the week: Join Roman in bed and keep him company since it probably was really boring to just lay in bed all day. He hadn't expected Roman to ask to see the bruising on his back, so before nodding carefully Samuel just stared at him for a couple of seconds.

He left his bag by the door and headed over to lift up the mirror and carry it over to bed, but he kept it turned from Roman for now and gave him a concerned look.

"Are you sure you want to see it?" Samuel wasn't about to deny him it if he really wanted to but the thing was that it didn't look much better now even if a couple of days had passed. Everyone who had seen it for the first time had looked absolutely horrified, and that was seeing it on someone else, Samuel had no idea how it would affect Roman and he was afraid that seeing it wouldn't actually help him.
 
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"I'm sure," Roman affirmed. He needed to see it, or else he would be thinking about it all the time and he couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle not knowing.

So he leaned forward, took off his shirt, and once Samuel had positioned the mirror, he looked over his shoulder.

His jaw dropped when he saw it. His entire back, from shoulder to pelvic bones, was park purple, splotchy around the edges and deep in the middle. God. He'd never looked worse. He looked like someone had dropped a boulder on his back, and it was ... horrifying.

And all he had done was fall off the monkey bars.

Roman's mouth closed and so did his eyes. He turned back and put his shirt on. "Thank you," he murmured.
 
Samuel swallowed hard as Roman closed his eyes after a moment of seeing the bruise, seemingly not able to look at it anymore. Samuel carried the mirror back to its temporary spot and headed back to the bed and sat down next to Roman. He placed a hand on Roman's cheek and leant in to kiss the other, being very careful not to move him around too much, sure he was on morphine to stop the pain but that didn't mean Samuel didn't worry about accidentally hurting him.

"I know it looks really bad"Samuel murmured back, talking just as carefully as he had been moving, "But the bruising is going to go down and it's going to stop being painful and you'll be out of bed soon, alright?"

He wasn't a doctor, he couldn't say exactly how long it would take for the bruises to be completely gone or when the pain would be bearable enough that he could get out of bed, he just knew that it would happen and Samuel hoped that that reminder could to something in stopping Roman from feeling too bad about how bad the bruise looked now.
 
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Roman wasn't stupid, he knew he was going to heal. But he also knew his own body. He knew how bruises on him worked -- they stayed, for far longer than they should. The bruise he'd gotten from Samuel's father had lasted two weeks. The one he'd gotten from Brooklyn had lasted one. He knew this was going to last a lot longer.

"Samuel," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. "I want you to tell me something, and I don't want you to lie to me. Please."

Roman's voice was calm and collected, as it almost always was, but he was clearly very serious. He looked up at his boyfriend with tired, pleading eyes.

"How much have the bruises changed from the night I got them?" he asked. He knew, in his heart, that they had hardly changed at all. He just needed Samuel to confirm it.
 
Even if Samuel had wanted to he couldn't lie, the bruises were far too horrible now for him to say that they had been a lot worse at some point. He didn't want to tell him either, so he sat in silence, hesitating as he stared into Roman's tired but still beautiful eyes.

"…They have changed" Samuel started, it was the truth but not the whole truth so he continued in a quiet voice, "Marginally. There's not much of a difference."

Only if one were to actually try to see the changes in the purple, actively looking for signs that he was better, like Samuel had you would notice it had gone down a little. If you didn't do that you would have probably said there was no difference at all.

"But, I mean, It was a pretty bad fall," Samuel said in what was probably a pretty desperate attempt to try and make it all a little less horrible, "of course it's going to take a while to heal."
 
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Roman sighed. He had expected that answer but that didn't make it any less difficult to deal with. Roman pushed a hand through his hair and sank back into the pillows, a pressure he hardly felt at all, because his back was numb. If it wasn't numb then he wouldn't be able to deal with the pain.

"I hate this," he breathed.

He didn't hate his life. He knew he was blessed, with his beautiful boyfriend and his talents and his family and all. But sometimes he felt that his entire existence was dangling by a thread -- the slightest misstep, the smallest slip, could end in disaster for Roman. He potentially could have died from that fall. He was lucky he hadn't broken or ruptured anything.

Roman pushed a hand through his hair as he began to breathe heavily -- no, he wasn't breathing heavily, he was fighting for air. He clutched at his throat and stayed perfectly still, save the heaving of his chest, as he tried his best to compose himself.

He wasn't on his anxiety meds.
 
Samuel was about to lay down properly next to Roman, maybe kiss his cheek again and gently put an arm around him, anything to make him feel better. But that's when he noticed something suddenly was wrong, so he didn't do any of those things.

"Are you--" he stopped himself from adding the okay as he realised what was going on.

The previous times he had seen Roman get anxiety attacks it was after things that were too emotionally straining for his medication to help, like when Jess had brought Trixie to scare him while everyone watched and when London had had to be rushed to the hospital while pregnant. Now he was just lying in bed, it wasn't completely out of nowhere he had seen his bruising after all but to know only his thoughts could trigger it that easily when he was off his medication was kind of scary.

"Roman, It's okay, you're okay" Samuel had no idea what the exact reason for the anxiety was and he spoke mostly to remind Roman that he had someone with him in case he needed it, and he couldn't touch him to do so, thus trying to talk him through and staying calm was probably the best way he could help, "I know it's hard but try to take deep breaths if you can"
 
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As much as he hated taking medication at all, Roman hated not being on his anxiety meds even more. He felt so vulnerable. He felt like the entire world was collapsing around him and pressing down on his body, suffocating him, trying it's best to kill him where he sat. He was worried about everything, he panicked about the slightest things. There was always a nagging voice in the back of his head, telling him that he would never be good enough.

Roman gasped, breaking through the temporary asphyxiation, and dropped his hand, leaning his head back. The peace didn't last long, though, it was quickly replaced with tears. His shoulders shook as he sobbed, turning his head to face Samuel.

"It's happening again," he croaked. "My life, it's being controlled again." By his haemophilia, by everything else. He was never properly going to be free. He would never escape the dark clutches of his own body and mind.

"What's wrong with me?" he whimpered.
 
Seeing Roman break down like he was, was enough to make Samuel feel like crying his eyes out as well. He hated seeing his boyfriend this sad, hated every single sob he let out. But Samuel laid down so he and Roman were on the same level, looked into Roman's eyes and didn't cry.

"Nothing is wrong with you" Samuel very carefully wiped some of the tears off Roman's face, he hated seeing him cry because Roman didn't cry for no reason, it meant something was seriously wrong. These were the thoughts he had had when he was so depressed he could barely get out of bed in the morning resurfacing, and that was horrible.

"Listen, this was the first mishap in a long time" He took his boyfriend's hand in his, gently so that Roman could remove it if he didn't want the touch. "You've been dealing so well with every bleeding, the migraines, anxiety, everything, you are in control"

He didn't want Roman to forget that he really had been in control. He had gone from that depressive state to being happy again, he was taking his medication every day even if he hated it because he was making an effort to be in control.

"But It's okay if it becomes too much sometimes, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you" despite hating seeing Roman this way Samuel knew it would happen sometimes that was part of life with Roman and Samuel would love him no matter if he was happy or sad, "What you're going through isn't easy, It's okay to lose control sometimes, you don't always have to be strong,"

Everyday Roman fought and was strong, he had even been doing well the past couple of days without his anxiety medication and Samuel couldn't even imagine how hard that was.

"and when you don't feel in control I'll be here to help you, okay? And so will your family and your friends, cus we all love you so much,"
 
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