I can only apologize so many times for being a terrible communicator and partner before it means nothing. I mean, I always mean it. I'm always sorry for my behaviour and how I know it negatively impacts others. There's just no point in apologizing ad infinitum if my behaviour doesn't change. I know that. It just makes me look shitty.
The truth is that I am under so much stress that I do not know how to function properly. I made a grievous error at work on Friday night and I'm terrified I'm going to get fired for it. I've not been performing greatly for a while because of how stressed out I am, but opening someone else's mail - even if it was an accident - is just unforgivable. I'm like this in every aspect of my life right now. I am just not fully present. Lights on, nobody's home. Or is it somebody's home, but the lights are off? Analogies.
I can't focus. Can't sleep well. I have so much shit to worry about. I don't know how to handle it all. Big life changes are coming up fast, too too too fast. I want nothing more than to begin my transition but at the same time I am petrified. Then there's the weddings, which I've barely even thought about; I haven't even considered what I'm going to get as wedding gifts for either party. I mean, I can't afford it. My brother's wedding, I mean, I'm not too worried about that; I can probably sneak in under my parents' gift. But my best friend. I've already forked out way more money than I can afford for this wedding, and they (not my friend, or his fiance, but the other wedding party members) want me to fork out even more for a bachelor party that is completely illogical, planned only for the fulfillment of the people planning the party with little to no consideration of the people we're supposedly throwing the 'party' for, and will be fun for no one (but I could spend pages ranting about that, and have done so already many times, so I will not do that here).
'Why don't you just get another job, Kris?' (Can we talk about how literally the only positive thing I can think of at the moment is that I finally have a name I feel comfortable with?) Good question strawman I just made up, because I have very little employable skill, am incapable of manual labour, and also might I mention have no idea how to even approach the idea of applying for a job only to start transitioning only months later? I mean, I have to find another job, I do have to, because I will have to quit this one. I've worked here for 8 years and they know me as (gestures vaguely) this and it is a very Catholic facility and there is no way that it will work out. I can't imagine it. Plus, I need to learn how to drive, because all the goddamn jobs I've looked at for some goddamn reason require not only a driver's license but a car.
So I thought, 'I'll just do art! Yeah, I'm kind of good at that! I can do it!'
Bull shit! Bull fucking shit, you glorious piece of garbage, you haven't drawn anything for almost two months. If you want to somehow make a living off of your art, you need to actually draw, and improve, and you can't do either of those fucking things, now can you? What about when you dropped 30 bucks on sculpture shit so you could learn how to make little figurines? Have you even taken it out of the bag, two months later? Nope. Still in a bag, deep in your closet (just like you!).
And my therapist - oh, I'm so happy for her, I really am - is going on mat leave in September and you know what, I want to scream about that, because no I do not fucking want to start over with another therapist after it took me over a decade to finally find one that actually helped me. That shit is hard! I don't care if she's recommending me to a therapist that specializes in my Issue, I don't want a new therapist, I want to keep this one. But I will never say that, because I am happy for her. Babies and all that good shit, hurray.
Also, I'm going to be alone forever, and my best friend keeps trying to set me up with a nice lesbian he knows who sounds very great, truly, she does, but I am not a lesbian, and I also cannot tell my friend that, at least not until July, after his wedding, when I tell him through tears and he says 'wow that's fucked dude, I'm outtie and our relationship changes forever.
Like my relationships with everyone.
Am I even going to have a dad anymore after this?
What about a brother? Sister in law? Nephews, nieces, will I get to be in their lives?
What about my god parents?
I'm terrified. I'm so stressed. All I want to fucking do is write and enjoy my very favourite hobby of Role-playing but I can't even do that because I am useless and full of rage and fear. I wish I could scream.