Please, please do not rate this post in any capacity. Please.
I just...really need to write somewhere...
My family is in shambles.
On Monday our house received a call saying that my cousin had been involved in a motorcycle accident, and that he was in the hospital. There were very few details given to us, but when we arrived....he was on life support. He was bleeding heavily from his brain, and barely breathing on his own. Despite that, he was moving. Involuntarily so, but moving nonetheless. Something that at least told us, and the doctors that he wasn't paralyzed. Also, that he could feel pain. Both great signs considering he was completely unresponsive upon arrival. We took that as a glimmer of hope in a sea of uncertainty, because there still wasn't much to go off of at that point. On our end, or medically....the accident had just happened a few hours prior, and only so much could be done in terms of surgery while he was still unstable.
Said hope only grew as he eventually did begin to breathe on his own during our visit. It was only a little bit, but still immensely comforting. Not only that, but when my mother, his mother, and other people would speak, it looked like he was responding. His heart rate would increase, head movement, etc. Especially whenever my aunt ( his mother ) would call his name. We could see on the ventilator that there were times when he would inhale/exhale on his own without the aide of the machine. Friends, and family gathered all through the night to see him. Most, including my mom/me, staying for support. A few hours later we decided it best to go home for the night, and return first thing in the morning. He was stable, and we were deeply hoping he'd remain that way.
On the drive home we were almost half way there when my aunt calls saying that the doctors were there, and that.....they said he wouldn't make it...I.could.not.breathe. We quickly turned to come back. Luckily the doctors were still there, and elaborated to my two aunts, my mother, and me, what had happened to him. He had suffered severe head trauma paired with brain hemorrhaging, and a lot of swelling inside of his skull. On top of that he'd also suffered a fracture to his neck extremely close to his spinal cord. Said fracture occurred just under where his helmet stopped. They went on to say that the mortality rate of victims in such cases was very high, but that there were some promising signs, and that only the next few days would tell.
.........
There would be no "next few days"...
My mother and I stayed by my aunt's, and cousin's side the entire night. The next morning at 6:30 am, we returned home to rest. I had been up for over 24hrs, and was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. When I woke up it was around 1pm, and I was waiting for my mom to wake up too, so that we could go back to the hospital. I THOUGHT things were ok! I was checking my mom's phone to see if there were any texts from my aunt, or phone calls. There were none so I really thought things were alright...that I hadn't missed anything important....I feel so stupid...
..Finally my mom wakes up, and she calls me. From there she tells me that my cousin was taken off life support earlier that day...I had never been so devastated in my entire life. WHY THE FUCK DIDNT SHE TELL ME???!?!? WHO CARES THAT I WAS ASLEEP! SLEEP DIDNT FUCKING MATTER, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I felt so angry, and betrayed. I still do....and may always feel exactly that. Waking me up would have taken two seconds...
Couldnt even look at her after that.
Could not.
It really dawned on me then that prayer, and hope had been meaningless.
Clinging onto the latter has made my cousin's passing all the more heartbreaking.......It really has.
Not only that, but I realized that this would become 'normal' from here on out. As I get older, so does everyone else. Between that, and the fact that accidents can happen at ANY TIME, there will be more of this in the near future. I had never experienced a family member passing until late last year when my last remaining grandmother died. My mother's mom having done so when I was two years old. In less than a year I've lost someone on both sides of my family....it makes me question how am I suppose be strong enough to watch this continue? And I know that death is a part of life, but....that never resonated nearly as much as it has recently.
I can not imagine this getting any easier. Not by a long shot.
And right now SHOULD be when my family comes TOGETHER for MY COUSIN, but....that is not wtf is happening.
My uncle, my cousin's father, is out of the country a lot, and was in Afghanistan when his son's accident happened. While keeping in contact with my mom, his sister, he got on the next flight out. He JUST arrived a few hours ago after a 20hr flight. He wasn't there to see his son before he passed. I can only imagine...the immense guilt he must feel between that, and not having been in my cousin's life overall. I probably saw my uncle more than my cousin had. But...that's neither here, nor there.
After his flight he comes straight to my house to see the family. Thats only me, my mother, and my aunt. My aunt's son, my last remaining cousin on my mother's side, lives in Philly so he isn't / wasnt present. Hopefully he will be here soon. Continuing on, my uncle comes to the house, we hug for a long time, and express how sorry we are about what has happened. From there he, my mother, and my aunt sit in the living room to talk. My uncle politely asks if I wouldn't mind leaving the room. I had zero issue with that. The three of them have a TON of matters to speak on that has accumulated over the decades since grandma, their mother, passed away. One would have ASSUMED that they could all speak like adults. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THEM!!! It was supposed to be about my cousin.....their nephew......his son....
Not more than 5 minutes later there was yelling, and screaming. Old shit that everyone has waited far too long to address spilling out at the wrong time. Everyone is hurt, and so emotions are at an all time high. My aunt, and uncle end up leaving. Nothing changes, nothing is resolved. My uncle JUST lost his ONLY CHILD, and my BITCH OF AN AUNT brings up a mess of shit that did not need to be brought up NOW. Later? Sure! But not the DAY AFTER HE'S DIED. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! My uncle was livid. As well he should have been! He had just gotten off a 20+ hour flight and had missed his son taking his last breath. The last thing anyone, especially him, needed was the absolute shit show that erupted in here.
My grandmother had three children, two girls, and one boy.
Each of them had only a single child. Two boys, and one girl.
Now one of us is gone.....with two left...
I can...barely wrap my head around any of this.
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Thank you
