RANT Your Brains Out #98274

[Shiri]

I hate long car rides and I just opted into going on a second one this week. Ugh.

 

[Shiri]

It was 3 long car rides. I am car-rided out.

 

[Lusterine]

I'm too much in my own head right now. It's hurting my self-worth

 

[ᴛᴏᴄᴋᴀ]

Take with lots of water warning label on my medicine bottle. No amount is given such as cups, or gallons, just lots of water. Could they have been just a little more specific? I just spent the past 5 days, 4 of which was with my head stuff in a toilet, basin, or trash can because of this medicine, I would really like to know how much damn water I should take with it so I'm not repeating the process again. I really do not enjoy throwing up or feeling sick to my stomach every time I move.

/sigh

Guess I'll have to call the pharmacist first thing in the morning, before I take it, to find out how much water I should take with it to make sure I don't get sick again.

 

[Shiri]

I think I'm falling into old anxious habits again. I was doing so well. :/

 

[RJS]

I honestly feel like bashing my head against my desk.

I've been doing so well recently, and now I find myself gripped with bouts of restlessness again where I physically have to be moving and sometimes literally start shaking. It's made me retreat back inside and today was the first time I managed to leave the house since the weekend. Even with that I'm still gripped with restlessness and as a result it's hard to focus. Because I get so distracted I start neglecting things like sleep, food and drink and wind up with pounding headaches as a result, not helped by the blocked ear I've been having to try and deal with.

As it is I'm failing to consistently manage to do both the things I want to do and the things I need to do, and it's leaving me overwhelmed, as well as triggering all my insecurities.

I know there's a lot of opportunities out there, but right now I'm struggling to see past the inside of my own head.

 

[GrunkleLogic]

Is it a cruel irony that I'll be attending the funeral of a great friend and then attending the wedding of another just within months of each other?


Edit: And now she's made it so I can't go to the funeral. So one more friend I can't even say goodbye to.

 

[Sidhe]

I can only apologize so many times for being a terrible communicator and partner before it means nothing. I mean, I always mean it. I'm always sorry for my behaviour and how I know it negatively impacts others. There's just no point in apologizing ad infinitum if my behaviour doesn't change. I know that. It just makes me look shitty.

The truth is that I am under so much stress that I do not know how to function properly. I made a grievous error at work on Friday night and I'm terrified I'm going to get fired for it. I've not been performing greatly for a while because of how stressed out I am, but opening someone else's mail - even if it was an accident - is just unforgivable. I'm like this in every aspect of my life right now. I am just not fully present. Lights on, nobody's home. Or is it somebody's home, but the lights are off? Analogies.

I can't focus. Can't sleep well. I have so much shit to worry about. I don't know how to handle it all. Big life changes are coming up fast, too too too fast. I want nothing more than to begin my transition but at the same time I am petrified. Then there's the weddings, which I've barely even thought about; I haven't even considered what I'm going to get as wedding gifts for either party. I mean, I can't afford it. My brother's wedding, I mean, I'm not too worried about that; I can probably sneak in under my parents' gift. But my best friend. I've already forked out way more money than I can afford for this wedding, and they (not my friend, or his fiance, but the other wedding party members) want me to fork out even more for a bachelor party that is completely illogical, planned only for the fulfillment of the people planning the party with little to no consideration of the people we're supposedly throwing the 'party' for, and will be fun for no one (but I could spend pages ranting about that, and have done so already many times, so I will not do that here).

'Why don't you just get another job, Kris?' (Can we talk about how literally the only positive thing I can think of at the moment is that I finally have a name I feel comfortable with?) Good question strawman I just made up, because I have very little employable skill, am incapable of manual labour, and also might I mention have no idea how to even approach the idea of applying for a job only to start transitioning only months later? I mean, I have to find another job, I do have to, because I will have to quit this one. I've worked here for 8 years and they know me as (gestures vaguely) this and it is a very Catholic facility and there is no way that it will work out. I can't imagine it. Plus, I need to learn how to drive, because all the goddamn jobs I've looked at for some goddamn reason require not only a driver's license but a car.

So I thought, 'I'll just do art! Yeah, I'm kind of good at that! I can do it!'

Bull shit! Bull fucking shit, you glorious piece of garbage, you haven't drawn anything for almost two months. If you want to somehow make a living off of your art, you need to actually draw, and improve, and you can't do either of those fucking things, now can you? What about when you dropped 30 bucks on sculpture shit so you could learn how to make little figurines? Have you even taken it out of the bag, two months later? Nope. Still in a bag, deep in your closet (just like you!).

And my therapist - oh, I'm so happy for her, I really am - is going on mat leave in September and you know what, I want to scream about that, because no I do not fucking want to start over with another therapist after it took me over a decade to finally find one that actually helped me. That shit is hard! I don't care if she's recommending me to a therapist that specializes in my Issue, I don't want a new therapist, I want to keep this one. But I will never say that, because I am happy for her. Babies and all that good shit, hurray.

Also, I'm going to be alone forever, and my best friend keeps trying to set me up with a nice lesbian he knows who sounds very great, truly, she does, but I am not a lesbian, and I also cannot tell my friend that, at least not until July, after his wedding, when I tell him through tears and he says 'wow that's fucked dude, I'm outtie and our relationship changes forever.

Like my relationships with everyone.

Am I even going to have a dad anymore after this?
What about a brother? Sister in law? Nephews, nieces, will I get to be in their lives?
What about my god parents?

I'm terrified. I'm so stressed. All I want to fucking do is write and enjoy my very favourite hobby of Role-playing but I can't even do that because I am useless and full of rage and fear. I wish I could scream.

 

[ᴛᴏᴄᴋᴀ]

My cats are so bad, they peed on the cable guy's jacket. =/

 

[LunaValentine]

So I freaked out about my kitten because he's thrown up a couple times (didn't do that at my parents) and I just worry about him too much. I called my parents to let them know because he's also had a bit of loose poop and they're going to watch over him for a bit, taking him back to their place until he's big enough (which my mom wanted to do) I feel so bad because I have to keep him in such a small area and after a quick bath he was just completely uninterested (He smelled because he had poop on his back legs) in doing anything but laying down and sleeping. I feel like a bit of a failure. I feel like I should be able to handle this. But I was expecting a cat a few months old.... not 6 weeks.

Update: he pooped in front of the main door. At least he didn't poop on my lap. Definitely should see a vet. Luckily my parents can get him in. I really hate being on my own sometimes.

 

[RJS]

So my brain has a wonderful trick it likes to play on me where every sentence, every phrase goes from a joke into an attack. Even when I know full well that the people I'm interacting with wouldn't do that, there's a part of my brain that I can't switch off that doubts that constantly. It's not fun to interact with your friends when you brain constantly tells you that you're surplus, unwanted and they're better off without you.

I mean, what do I even bring anyway? Shit jokes and even worse puns. Most of the time I just wind up irritating people with my presence, and so I can't blame that part of my brain. Makes it even easier to rationalise. I can't even talk to them about it because I feel like the mere mention of how I feel is insulting and hurtful to them, since they've done nothing wrong. And because I can't trust myself to say it appropriately, I'm throwing it here in the full knowledge that one of them will almost inevitably check the thread and read it anyway.

So I'm sorry for not being good enough at reading people to be able to trust you all. I'm sorry for being a persistant irritant. And I'm sorry for not having the courage to tell you this myself. I'm sorry for being me. I doubt I'll get any better. I understand if you'd rather not have me around. I wouldn't want me either.

 

[Shiri]

So I'm trying to let my dog outside to pee before going to bed and I hear. "Hey! ...Hey! ...Hey!" And I notice it's the lady that lives in the apartment building a little up from us. The heckler. She was all "Hey, neighbor" in her most sarcastic voice. Sigh. Like I'm sorry that she thinks we're all watching her and stalking her and stuff, but we're just trying to live normal life. I pay for this yard, I should be able to stand in it without being yelled at.

 

[GrunkleLogic]

This is exactly the reason I didn't tell you that I was getting a dog. You are so judgmental, you think you have the right to boss me around and that you have any right to act better than me.

First off, piss out of my life. I shouldn't have been afraid to tell you but I was, in fact I was about as nervous about telling you this as I was telling you I was trans.

You treat everything I do like I should be ashamed somehow, because it's not what you'd do.

Fuck you for ever making me feel like this.


Maybe we'd be closer if you would just support me once and a while.

 

[Greenie]

Woohoo! Don't you love it when plans have to take a 180 degree turn?

┻━┻ ︵ ＼( °□° )／ ︵ ┻━┻

 

[Shiri]

When you need pain pills, but the nearest water bottle is eons away.

 

[Fyrra]

That moment when you have to empty the $500 in a savings account because some asshole stole the bag that had your computer, ds, social card, and the expensive FE Fates game, when your life already sucks so much that you're sleeping in your car and the beloved lives across state lines.

Oh right, the car!

1) brakes grinding, immediate danger, addressing first thing in the morning once paycheck is processed. $300 down the drain.

2) struts / suspension is messed up. $750 estimate. Probably gonna look at that in a few months.

3) exhaust problems / possible overheating issue. Mechanic says it could just need a flush after getting tuned up, or the O2 sensor could be bad, or the converter might need replacing. This could be anywhere from $65-450. The way the car shakes when it warms up is concerning.

4) alternator whining. Not dead yet, but it killed a brand new battery back in February and it's due to kill the new one. Still under warranty though; not immediately concerned. I own jumper cables for a reason.

5) heating / air conditioning non-functional. Needs to be fixed before the snow hits.

And just like my car, I've kinda been neglecting myself as well. Running out of meds and still no health insurance from the employer. It also can't be helping that I sleep in my car, but that's getting fixed soon. I found an apartment for relatively cheap that's close enough to work that I can walk if I need to, with power and water included in the rent. The deposit and rent will eat my income for the foreseeable future, but I can stop eating out once I set up shop and empty my storage unit.

So, that just leaves my best friend's wedding in September. Three months. I wouldn't miss it for the world, but I've already given up on bringing the beloved with me. It's beginning to look like I'll have trouble making it too.

Life sucks.

My country sucks. It has concentration camps, and my other half says I'm not allowed to buy a gun and do something about it because she doesn't want me dying.

This is a reasonable boundary to set in a relationship. "I would die for you" is romantic and cliche, but "I would live for you" is better and more my speed. Weird that part of me laments having something to lose these days.

And I guess, I'm a member of the community that performs a specialized task. That's weird too, knowing that there would be a slight amount of trouble involved in replacing me if I were to vanish.

One of my friends found the same model of mouse I used, with the pagan wolf emblem on the back. I have good friends too. That'll just leave getting a bag for the computer, and headphones.

And, there's a sale at my favorite local clothing store. Some of their dresses have pockets.

And, hopefully this November I can give my sister a proper birthday gift, and maybe for once in my life stop being a failure. And apologize for missing her graduation. And...

I miss my mom, my other half, and my sister. And my dog. Can't believe I've lived without a dog for six years now. Too long.

Maybe I can do something about these things before I bite the big one.

 

[LunaValentine]

I just.....feel like crap. yeah we gave him a good life....for what little time we had him......but I didn't even get to hold him one last time. My kitty....it's like the world doesn't want me to have a cat of my own..... I just can't.

 

[Shiri]

I hate that feeling when you get asked a serious question and you can't give a solid answer to it.

 

[Shiri]

RIP Big Van Vader :'(

 

[ᴛᴏᴄᴋᴀ]

The urge to smoke has been overwhelming all day, but it's been especially hard to ignore the past two hours. Two weeks and I'm already ready to crack. >_< I thought it would be easier since I was sick through withdraw, but nope! My brain doesn't want to understand that I don't need nicotine!