RANT Your Brains Out #98274

[junebug]

Oh yeah definitely had it. Everyone's fucking yelling at me, telling me they've had enough when I didn't even do anything wrong. I can't help it when the managers are busy and unable to pull my drawer. I'm not expecting ANYTHING from you. What I do expect is to get off at a certain time just like you expect- BUT SOMETIMES THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. Good god. Getting onto me, telling me you're not doing it anymore, wow. It's not my fault, scream at my managers if you want, but you don't get to be stern with me and start complaining and taking your frustration out on me because I can't control what happens at my job. Yes, I may want to get off my job, but sometimes I can't get off right away. Tbh I don't care if your gas was wasted. It's not my fault.

 

[GrunkleLogic]

I don't know why I allowed myself to be fooled like that. I loved him for thirteen years, and he made it sound like he loved me back, only to say that he was playing around, and that none of it meant anything.

And I foolishly let that go because I was so desperate to believe that someone could actually love me despite all my many flaws. I thought that maybe somewhere deep down, he could overlook my problems but in truth there's nobody that can. I've been the butt of everyone's jokes, throughout my childhood school years and to this day.

People wonder why I have trust issues, self esteem problems and problems seeing a bright future; they keep destroying whatever stability I have and then expect me to get up and be okay with everything.
When I was in school, I had a huge crush on this kid named Albert. And he found out somehow, and he actually asked me out. I was so excited, so when the time came to go to a dance with him I was eager.
But I didn't now that he'd planned for this, and set me up to be humiliated. I got to the dance and he wasn't there, but his friends were. And they let me have it; called me a Halloween mask, that I should have come out in October.

Not a single person stood up and said a word.

I didn't trust anyone until I met someone who I really thought was different, but now I realize what kind of a damn fool I've been. I couldn't take the hint from other people that I was too different for them to like, but now I really do understand. I wondered what was wrong with me, and I still do.

Is it that I am annoying? I know I get excited and I rant a lot, but to be honest with you I'm in pain 99% of the time and I wonder how well you'd cope with it, on top of that you would have to deal with the various abuses in my life.

Is it that I am chronically sick? I would stop it if I could.

Is it because I am sensitive? You may misunderstand something here; when you speak to me like I'm stupid or treat me like crap, I'll get upset. So am I being sensitive or are you just being a jerk?

Is it because I'm not very attractive? Because this again is something I can't help. But you said that you were interested in my person, which confuses me because you constantly tell me how flawed I am.

Is it because of other reasons? Because everything you are saying to me is venom. Not direct 'I loved just yanking your chain and crushing you' kind o hurtful words but more, 'I love you but you aren't a good match for me. I want you to become something you're not'.

For 13 years I believed that you actually loved me. But as you say, I am an easy one to play the fool. But you, nor anyone else, will get the chance to do this to me ever again.

 

[GrunkleLogic]

(Again, another funny rant ahead and gifs galore)

So, my day went from:

to this:

to finally this:

So my 360 controller decided to glitch out (my 360 is dying and the damn thing is new to me) and keeps telling me the controller is disconnected. So I have to get a cord for it, and hope that fixes the problem.

Well, get to the store and you know what I find out?

Not only are the old cords very expensive but they also probably won't fix the problem because the fucking 360 is dying and it's useless to try and revive it cause it's an outdated system and nobody would fix it. So, I settle to try and make this damn thing live long enough for me to get a PS4.

Until I realize that it will take months for me to earn up enough money for one. Hopefully this lasts.

Well, I get home and start to relax until I see something from the corner of my eye; a mouse. And not only do I see a mouse, but it's floating dead inside my almost cycled tank.

So guess who must empty out that TEN gallon tank, throw the sand away and start new?

I mean, I think the bloody mouse had a worse day than I did but still not something I wanted to have to do.

I empty the tank out, clean it and refill it.

Sit down to relax.

Phone rings. I, being a thick person, decide to answer it and lone and behold it's my sister claiming her nutter husband is out of prison. Great! But it turns out to be a false lead and someone had hacked his Facebook. Okay, so there's a heart attack wasted.

And my cat puked on my pillow.

 

[junebug]

My tummy is still bleh even after a nap. :(

EDIT: Of course my brother starts complaining about the dishes and having to do them a lot. I do the dishes more often than he does- he's the one that asks me to put them away while he's sitting on his lazy ass. I come home more often than not while he's been home and there are dishes that need to be done. I do them.

 

[ᴛᴏᴄᴋᴀ]

My dog is a hot mess. I'm positive the lady we got her from lied her ass off about her. Hoping that when we move and she's got a big backyard to run around in, it'll be a lot easier to train her. If not, I have no idea what we're going to do about her.

 

[Shiri]

So I have this pet peeve about people who think themselves somehow elevated to everyone else because they are experiencing something slightly off the norm. Lately I was chit-chatting with a guy about a video game, and in said video game they explore the idea that what could be perceived as reality could be a game. A fun plot for a video game, but not an overly original idea if you have a background in philosophy. However, the guy I was talking to seemed to think that he was the only person ever to understand the concept and he was super dramatic about it.

"I've always thought about these things and no one else does. What if because I'm asking these questions, I am breaking out of the program? What if I'm the glitch in the system?"

-sigh-
Real life Main Character Syndrome.

Btw it's the same dude who tried to convince me he dated the Japanese voice actress for Sailor Moon. They are both twice his age and he doesn't speak Japanese.

 

[junebug]

I'm done with this and that. I'm done with education. I'm done with math. I'm done with trying. Done with trying to get to a bachelor's but feeling unmotivated. So done.

 

[Shiri]

My brain likes to remind me of past awkward interactions. Ugh.

 

[SerpentJournal]

Today I went all the way into the city to get my blood drawn, walked through detours and took various methods of transportation, etc, etc

Only to get there and be told that I wasn't suppose to eat anything during the past 10 hours before drawing blood and to come back tomorrow.

;_;

 

[junebug]

feeling sluggish at work bleh; would rather be doing homework at home

 

[GrunkleLogic]

Enough is enough.

8 more dead by just going to school, countless others to police violence.

When does this shite end?!

 

[GrunkleLogic]

Correction; 10 are gone.

 

[neptune]

Yeah, man. I wanted Spotify to somehow freeze my entire laptop. The one that I have to run off the power cord because it doesn't recognize the battery anymore. And hasn't for like a year now. Awesome. Oh, and I lost half my post? Even fucking better.

Piece of shit.

 

[Navuso]

"Baking a cake should be easy."
"You do it every year"
"and every year it turns out well =D"

Yeah... Made the absolute PERFECT cake~
Light, fluffy, not too much chocolate, but not too little, either.
Cooked to perfection, with that delightfully sponge-like texture to it.

Totally worth the over heating, getting cut, bruised, and having to clean everything (scrub it completely down) twice in order to use it =D

Right up until I try to take it out of the pan. -_-;;

I greased up the pan
I had a healthy dose of flower coating it
It NEVER sticks that bad when I bake.
Until today

The perfect layers for the cake?
Torn up and falling apart.

Over half of one of the layers was crumbled into the pan during the flip.
I let it sit for one minute after it was taken out of the oven, the same time I always take for it.
I was careful with it.
and it still tore and crumbled and just...
UGH!

And this is supposed to be my dad's birthday cake!
I can, hopefully, repair part of the damage in an hour, when I go in to ice it, but it's not nearly as nice as it should have been.

Just absolutely wonderful to throw on top of my depression, getting cut by people whom I considered friends, and getting told that I'm already a fucking waste of space by my parents all in the last 48 hours. I had my hopes up about this dessert, and that, too, was trashed and dashed. Maybe there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel, somewhere.



Update: IT WORKED! I SAVED IT WHEN I ICED IT!
I don't know how in the world I did it, but at least the cake wasn't a total disaster!

 

[GrunkleLogic]

Wow, that's a new record for you.

You've always been the gifted child, the one that lived in a gold house while I took care of the animals. Your good life was taken from my hardwork, and I got none of the spoiled you got. I had to fight for what I got, and even you feel entitled to that.

The whole family does.

You said a racist joke, told a joke that was transphobic, to a transman, and when I tried to tell you that it was hurtful you went off on me.

You made me feel so small.

That I was trash, and so were my feelings. People misgender me and you roll your eyes at me when I correct them. Begging me to just let it go because it humiliates you?!

I exist, sister.
I want to be safe, mentally and physically. You never apologize to me.

I'm the trash the family never wanted and the dog you got tired of.

It hurts me so deeply that you think so little of me.

 

[Sidhe]

Spoiler

i'm deep in 'what's the point?' land right now

what's the point? i am never going to be a 'real man'. this is hard. too hard. i'm afraid i'll go through all this, lose everyone but my mother, and then not even feel better because i will always be intrinsically female. i'll be 27 by the time i can start physically transitioning. i feel sick even thinking about asking my doctor next friday about being referred to a gender therapist/endocrinologist. i'm gonna be 30 by the time i likely start even remotely looking like a man, because puberty took fucking years the first time, it's gonna take years the second time.

and it's embarrassing. i don't want to be transgender. it is my reality but it's fucking embarrassing and it sucks and i hate it. yes there is a lot of self hatred there; i don't think any other trans people are embarrassing. just me. just like i never look at other trans men and think 'welp, you're not a real man lol so who cares'. just me.

embarrassing. so embarrassing. and what's the point, really. i'll probably never be happy. i'm always going to hate my body. why can't i just be unhappy hating my body the way it is instead of ruining my life and then continuing to hate my body. and i'm never going to find a relationship anyway, i'm too fucking old, i've wasted too much time.

my heart hurts, my head hurts, everything hurts, i just want to disappear

 

[Fyrra]

A brick wall goes here

I am my own worst critic.

It's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of work, video games, and writing. I'd taken my upward climb in recent years on the assumption that everything will work out on a convenient schedule. My budgeting is.... pretty awful, admittedly, but if the alternative to eating out all the time is cleaning up after other people, I'll take the financial hit. It's not like when something comes up I don't have spare funds tp allocate towards the problem anyway. Just never enough for the big things.

But, car issues keep cropping up. First it was the tune-up, and now there's an exhaust component that needs replacing and the problem that caused it to break in the first place. The heating and air conditioning still need fixing, as does the hood. At this rate I won't be prepared to move until next year, even if I skip my best friend's wedding.

And, I'd rather not do that for anything. She's so important.

But I'm sitting in this one place. My other half is across province lines, most of my friends are on the west coast, and my sister's in texas. Most of my family is, but she's the important one, ever since mom died.

The thought that keeps me awake at night isn't that I abandoned everyone. I certainly did, and I'd do it all again given the situation back then without any regrets. But, the main reason I left was so I could have a place where I could take in my sister, if things ever came down to her being alone in a toxic environment. My mom, too. I wanted her out of there, where she wouldn't be abused and neglected, but I also didn't want to live with her because.... selfish reasons. Also maybe good reasons that pale a little in light of it all.

It's been five years. I've got almost nothing to show for it, and the family's proud of me. I abandoned them, and my sister said she'd have done the same if it were her. She doesn't need help at the moment so my failure on that front doesn't matter, But, before I know it, she'll probably be a mother or somethin'. And I'll be walking steadily toward a grave, pouring all my energy into a corporation, stealthing among strangers, begrudgingly fixing a rickety foundation as it continues to fall apart.

And it's all on me.

I can't depend on the other half for help relocating, because they're stuck taking care of their family and have no personal income, and the family doesn't want me living there because... anxiety issues. And then there's the deeply personal stuff they don't want to explore while living with their family, but they're a bigger shut-in than I am. @.@

I'm tired.

Tired of being a failure, tired of any ground I gain never being enough.

Tired of being annoyed at the possibility of someone learning a personal detail and reacting in a way that can drastically alter a life.

But I cannot stop here. To do so would make the past decade.... pointless.

 

[Sea Jay]

Spoiler

Alright...
I live in a house with a man in his 60's that I once called "dad". He's basically losing his mind every day, I hate him with all of my being. He bullies me and makes fun of me when I cry. He's tackled and tried to get his hand on my neck, he's shoved me around, grabbed my wrist and thrown me.
My mom wont do anything because she's sooooo worried about how he'll surviiiiive oooh boo hoooo
And I'd leave, but I have so many mental issues I can't fucking function on my own!!! I can barely go to the store, I get stressed at the slightest thing, my mood is unhinged, I am in such... Constant pain from this shit I live with, the shit I never tell anyone and the shit no one thinks is bad enough to change or move away from.
I force myself to be happy, I lie to everyone until I'm genuinely happy again but as soon as I get a moment to be in my own mind, with my own fucking thoughts, I can feel the weight closing in, and it pushes against my shoulders until it smothers my face in the dirt.
I rarely leave the house because I can't be out for 10 minutes without being scared out of my wits!
I suggested I get a dog, even a service dog! God knows I'd qualify! Dogs are the only things that keep me going, and my dog, my best friend, I love her to bits but shes a 45 pound staffie mix and I cant fucking take her anywhere!
After everything I manage in my life, just staying alive and smiling through it all it's never enough... Do the dishes, dust the furniture, do this do that even though you've been working hard and you're fucking trying so damn hard, no one cares, it isn't enough.
I'll never get what I need because they only get me what I want to quench the thirst of my depression.
Food... Games... A fish... So much that I never truly wanted... That I never needed...
I just want to be happy... I can't even get that because... there's no escape for me...
The only way I could be a self-sufficient adult is if I have my dog, my dog that can keep me from losing everything in my mind... I'm at my wit's end and no one cares.

Why is it so much to ask that we get a dog or... Actually make progress on moving or... or something...
Maybe if I had my own dog... A small dog I could bring with me everywhere that could... Help me...

Maybe just... Just maybe I could be happy again, maybe I could have something... to seek comfort in...
Because I've come as far as I can on my own, and no person can take me forward...
Just get me my dog.
I'm not asking much.
I've even offered to go and throw myself into my worst nightmare and go try and get a job so I can pay for the things the dog needs... food, water, toys, everything...
Why is it that.... no matter what I always get turned away...
I'm like a starving man asking for a cough drop.
I'm not asking anything that would affect anyone else, it would just HELP me.
god...

 

[junebug]

Ok wow... My new advisor does not know how to spell or check his emails before he sends them out. >_>;

 

[Cosmic Fey]

I thought I'd avoided heat-stroke/heat-exhaustion after going out yesterday, but seeing how I feel exactly like I do when I normally get heat related illnesses right now, I think it's fair to say I didn't, it just took longer to set in this time.

I want to throw up.