It would be nice if you put things back properly if you were in my classroom. I don't really enjoy having to come in early just to fix things that should already have been fixed.
The bad thing about spending so much time on the internet is that none of my closest friends live in the same state as I do. Hell, some don't even live in the same country, or on the same continent ._. kind of frustrating, especially since I'm a social creature and also really shouldn't spend so much time in front of a computer screen, but at the same time...
The town rumormill has been talking about us. Shit, we must be in a bad spot. My one regret is that my friends didn't hear it from me first. It's not an issue of not wanting to, I just didn't think I had enough information to confirm or deny anything. Now the rumormill is confirming for me so it puts me in a weird light to them I'm sure. People blame social media for making people nosey. Nah. Most the people here can't turn on a computer and there's still rampant gossip.
At this point, I'm just...... done. I need a fucking a break. I'm not even mad because they did anything fucking wrong - they didn't. But I'm in gross fucking pain, I'm crying my eyes out and I can't stop, and I'm just FUCKING DONE GODDAMMIT.
I realized at an unfortunate time that I'm faced with indecision. I really don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know where I want to be in one or two years. I'm just stuck trying to figure out if I'm going to do this or if I'm going to do that. I don't have a clearly defined goal because I'm always changing what I want to do and I can't do everything all at once.
My guilty pleasures as an artist is ARPGs. I like tabletop gaming but I could never get into the LARP aspects of it or make the spur of the moment decisions. With ARPGs I can do things at my own pace and put my skills as an artist to the test. My creative break put things on hold for months and I've come back to find some of the groups are on the brink of disaster. What once was a kind community has turned into people consumed by envy that the genes passed to their character's babies are not as lucky as their neighbor's. There is a lot of blind rage thrown at the poor admins who have to roll these genes for hundreds of pairings a month, and rumors of rigging. And now the game is being put at risk altogether because the community is choosing to ignore facts about how genes are passed to the next generation. It's really a shame as it is a game that I have multiple characters and storylines in the works. My kiddos are all much too young to have kids, but I did have hopes that they would one day have them.
I found this out while drawing one of the character's too. :'(
I'm so fucking tired of not being allowed to say no. It's always "Oh and we want this" "Oh wait no we want this" "wait we want this instead" Or "You didn't do it right" I'm so tired of never getting all the fucking information up front. sometimes I wonder if anyone actually cares. I'm not allowed to say "no" to anything, I'm being walked all over, My work is NEVER good enough, and no one bothers to communicate a fucking thing to me. People keep throwing me these tickets with NO information. Sometimes I just want to curl up and never move again. Not that anyone at work would notice.
While I am glad that I learned what the issue was, I am also sad and very very scared.
So when I was 14, I got into a very nasty car accident. My head hit the dashboard and I suffered brain damage, and because my father was awful, he didn't take me to the hospital. And when we got to the hospital, they discovered that my lower back was damaged, and there was a chance for severe nerve damage from my waist below (and yes, I have it).
They also told me without scanning my brain that I had cluster headaches. Medicated me and sent me on my way.
Well, I found out today what exactly happened; I suffered more than just cluster headaches. I have a severe Cognitive Disorder. My doctors pointed out that had I been worked with many years before, I might have had a better chance of survival.
But my doctors told me that every years passes I increase the chance of losing all ability to remember, walk, etc. Normally these things don't change but he told me that I an expect to see decreases in my health.
I'm scared; I don't want to forget. I already forget so many things, and I can't talk well. I don't want to forget everything.
Landlord is tearing out our trees to "make the view beautiful". If you live on top of the hill it might look nice, but from here looking up we just see the cemetery. How... awesome. So I'll be able to suffocate from air pollution and see where they could bury me. Oh boy. Oh boy.
Dear porn bots,
I have no clue how you got my number, but I do not want to look at your nasty ass pictures. I'm a married mother of four, I'm not looking to 'hook up', and certainly not with a woman. Please refrain from texting me, especially when I have my eleven year old daughter looking over my shoulder while I'm reading through your trash.
Finally finished the honors ceremony. It wasn't anything special. Just got a piece of paper. Honestly felt alienated the whole time because no one from my family was there to support me, my dad didn't even care when I said I would be going to an honors ceremony. He just let me borrow his car. Also felt alienated because I was at the wrong place because someone told me the wrong place to go and therefore, I arrived 30 minutes late to when I was supposed to be at the ceremony. I sat where I wasn't supposed to be for the first half of the speeches and every single time the people up front were looking at the graduates and talking directly to them about their achievements and successes, I didn't feel like I belonged. I really didn't enjoy the ceremony even though I talked a little and smiled. I wish I could've opted out and just lie and say "well i wasn't given the correct place to go to" because in reality I had no clue what I was doing because I wasn't told the right place. :/
May graduation day be better, even though I'm not getting my degree the same day.
Why can't people be patient and considerate? I get it. You need to get back to work or home or school or whatever, it's a small hallway and there are a ton of us in there.
BUT IS IT SO DANG HARD TO WATCH OUT FOR OTHERS?! You don't have to push and shove others out of the way to get out!
I got this phone less than three fladoodling weeks ago! And now I have a nice sized crack on it, all because waiting a minute or two is too hard for some people.
Worst part is the guy had the nerve to blame me. Ironically the most infuriating part is the thing that kept me from snapping at him. Hm.
Hyperventilating out of anger at the moment.
How in the FUCK do you expect me to do all of this shit in a matter of less than two days?
YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!
So any and everything I had to do this weekend is effectively thrown into the shitter by a single motherfucking phone call.
What the fuck do you mean you'll be here on Monday anywhere from 6pm to 10pm for a house visit?????
A phone call with more than two days notice WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE YOU ASSHOLE, but god forbid someone be considerate in this world. God forbid if people have a job, prior engagements, and everyday shit to do like a normal human being.
I have been at my job for almost three years and how am I introduced to the new person? "Newest programmer". Yeah...... thanks..... guess I really am nothing but a dumping ground for projects that no one will tell me about. That's just fine. I get it. Sometimes I think I should just leave and never come back to this place. It's not like any of them would care.
- Tired of pain that everyone says is just "from non-use" which doesn't even make sense anymore, it's been 5 years [but must be right since X-rays have never picked up anything??]
- Tired of thinking I'm fine and then bam, not fine anymore SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY
- Tired of finding something I want to do and then losing motivation and not caring about it anymore
- Tired of just not caring about shit
- Tired of caring TOO MUCH about certain things that apparently nobody else gives a shit about [and also somehow adversely affects my life when I care about it]
- Tired of everyone telling me I'm smart and capable of great things if I just applied myself (or insinuating this without explicitly saying it)
- Tired of working really hard at something AND FUCKING SUCKING AT IT ANYWAY (great reward for finally applying myself!!)
- Tired of not being able to voice real opinions about things because I know they'd drive people away (hell they'd drive me away if I heard someone else say them)
- Tired of overanalyzing people/situations/comments and convincing myself there's malicious intent
- Tired of being relatively good at being able to hide all this shit and paranoid people see me as some sort of welfare king or something similar
- Tired of all my shit excuses I tell myself AND THEN ACTUALLY BELIEVING THEM
- Tired of everyday being me convincing myself I am wrong for thinking/feeling something
- Tired of being so self-aware of my problems that I constantly question myself if I even have them anymore and am not just enabling myself somehow
- Just tired
I finally did housework I had been putting off for like months??
I should be feel accomplished and shit.
Instead I got a random asspounding case of THE SADS in which I am casually reminded that, oh yes I do indeed need the disability because at random points for no discernable reason I suck at being a human being
- TIRED OF THAT DAMN DEPRESSION SURVEY QUESTION OF "HAVE YOU LOST INTEREST IN YOUR HOBBIES/THINGS THAT BRING YOU JOY"
KINDA HARD TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INTERESTED IN YOUR HOBBIES OR FELT JOY ABOUT THEM IN SO LONG YOU'RE NOT EVEN SURE IF YOU HAVE HOBBIES ANYMORE
I have had a headache for 90 fucking days straight. I have forced myself to endure light, and everything because I can't stop living for 90 days.
And they deny me my medication.
This is driving me nuts. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. All I want to do is bash my head against the wall until I sleep.
It comes in waves; times I can go outside. others? I'm lucky to fucking walk.
But no, keep pulling my life saving prescription from the shelves and fucking around with me just because I am trans. What you are doing is unethical and illegal.
Please just give me my meds, you've no idea what this hell is like.
I feel like my body is a cage and I cannot escape.
My dad's work didn't let him request the day off, my Grandma Jo and my other dads can't come because the freaking thing came up on everyone at last minute...
Apparently I'm supposed to just be a mindless yes man. I fucking hate my job. I fucking hate that I can't speak to anyone. And fuck all of my coworkers.
I'm a shit friend. just had an emotional outpouring when I told myself I wasn't going to tell friends my problems anymore. That I'd only tell them about happy things.....god damnit I'm a fucking idiot.
