RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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Goodbye, fonts other than Minion Pro. Goodbye, alignments other than left-aligned. I shall miss you all dearly. For your pull-down lists are literally fucking broken.
 
brain barf
[spoili]
> Want to get closer to a guy to be friends with them (online)
> Guy is super hard to have conversations with because he frequently disappears and stops answering
> Other person says "Don't take it personally, that's just the way he is"
> After retrying this process three times.... It's kinda hard to not take it personally? Or just want to throw in the towel and live with the fact I'll never be friends with this guy?


Some of the onus is on me I guess because when he randomly started showing up again he was basically tech support for me. In fact that's like 90% of the time he shows up, for tech support. Like ok, you like helping people, but now I just feel like I'm using you. I still know like nothing about you aside from you're good at tech stuff.


Totally would've given up on this after the first time he disappeared if it were not for special circumstances.

Anyway so in my midst of feeling like a shitty user (that is a person who uses other people, not a shitty person incapable of using tech correctly, though I suppose that is definitely applicable), I decided I should create a private conversation with said person in a more direct attempt to put effort in and be like "Hey yeah I'm totally not just using you for tech support" except that apparently I cannot do that because I'm fucking retarded or something and now need to ask for help on how to make a private convo in this service.

I really don't like this service, either, but I'm putting it up with it because these people are pretty much all who I talk to and I should just give in and use what they use because really who am I to make demands in this situation.

Haha you know what's funny here is I specifically requested a therapy session (with my rl therapist) about this whole weirdass relationship and my issues with the communication issues with this one guy over it.
Tbh though I'm really not sure where I stand anymore on it.

Really like the other person, have started to like the guy (at least in a friendship way even though I know so fucking little about him). And at this point my online social life is like 99% these two people so while I could probably make other friends and talk to them if I decided all this just wasn't worth the effort (it probably is worth the effort, but what do I know, I'm not a functioning adult anyway), but on the interim I'd have no social network.

Which is actually why I am venting about this in the first plae, I am an a non-functioning human with no job or life and it becomes so horrifically evident the more they're not around whenever I'm online and I fdefinitely need to get over that because they definitely SHOULD have lives and I'd be a hypocrite if I got annoyed over this but it just makes it grossly apparent day by day how little life of my own I have and how much of a failure I am at being a member of society (which is to say I really am not a member of society).
Also that was probably a longass run-on but I really don't want to re-read this all and check.

I guess I'm feeling the peer pressure to get a job or something. And really I should but I'm just so hesitant about it because I can never keep them and life always sucks more for me while I'm working. Like, yay, I'm good at my job (at least in the beginning), and yay I have money and can buy things, but somehow emotionally I just get wrecked somehow even if everything's technically fine and then I quit and I just feel like a real shit of a person.

I mean I suppose "it might be different this time" as I am definitely way more healthy than I was, but still the whole "first step" is a big deal. I've thought about volunteering, that's what my last therapist suggested, do that then there isn't as much pressure and you could always just leave.
But I don't know what to volunteer for and well basically I'm just gonna (probably) procrastinate on that forever until someone forces me into something.

......... Which brings me back to the original issue, what sane person would want to be in a relationship with me, when I literally cannot contribute anything other than "being there" ? I mean I guess I should be flattered that my presence is so amazing, but other than that I can't offer anything. I don't have many (contextually useful) skills, I'm pretty pessimistic, and I don't have any fucking money so I can't offer any decent support most of the time.

I also really can't stop over-analyzing how my last therapy session went where basically I feel like my therapist thinks I don't need therapy and I'm a big waste of time and resources. Which might actually be true at this point (Again, made loads of progress) but I've no become so dependent on the welfare that I've literally been thinking about purposefully stopping working so hard to mantain my mental health so I don't lose the benefits because I'd rather be on the benefits than deal with the real world.

Because the real world fucking sucks, it always has, I don't know how anybody deals with it and I don't know why more people aren't killing themselves over how shitty society is.
My last therapist pointed out that that thought alone is the reason I should be able to keep the welfare but idk my new therapist and I haven't really discussed anything of merit like that.
I miss my old therapist.
I also kinda miss Hawaii.

But really I guess the mistake I made is that the place I moved to in NY is just way too rural. Like if I had moved maybe 15 miles more north, I think everything would've worked out a little better. But then again, I could barely afford these piece of shit house which BY THE WAY, NOW A FULL 2 MONTHS LATER AND STILL HAS NOT BEEN UNDERWRITTEN FOR HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE FUCK.
They really don't want to insure this thing.

At this point I am thinking the lottery might be a better investment mechanism so I can just burn the house down and build a fucking new one on the land I have. (And the land I have is really nice).[/spoili]


Unrelated, Betty Crocker sucks.

#Guiridelli4lyfe
or however you spell that.

(brownie and cookie mixes)
 
Oh boy!! I sure am hype to play this hot new game called SHUT THE FUCK UP, KAG XVII

I know this series is criticized for being a whole lot of the same thing over and over, never doing anything new. And I have to admit that those criticisms are probably right. But you know what? That doesn't deter me.

Because no matter how many things change over the years, no matter where I am in life -- I'm always in the right place for a brand new entry in the highly repetitive Shut The Fuck Up, Kag franchise.

Because some things never change. :)
 
People: Practice makes perfect~!!!11 ^^ :D :D ^^

Me: *looks back on all the times I attempted to socialize with people but only embarrassed myself and/or failed to get the conversation to progress past 'wonderful weather eh'*

*looks back on all the times I tried to improve myself but only succeeded in becoming more miserable and finding ~new and interesting~ ways of pounding unhealthy thoughts and habits into my head*

*looks back on all the times I tried to learn from my mistakes only to repeat them in pretty much the exact same way, without realizing what I was doing until it was too late to stop myself*

*looks back on all the times I have generally failed to think before I act and therefore have continuously done the same dumb things over and over*

*looks back on all the times I have failed to show any real self-control whatsoever*

Me: lol u sure about that
 
The thought that anyone around here looks up to me or thinks I'm a positive influence on the community is honestly concerning.

Like, no, don't look up to me. I'm not a good role model.

Look up to someone who maybe actually has their life at least slightly together. And who maybe also has at least some ability to control their emotions. And who maybe doesn't have the impulse control of a fucking canine.
 
Shout out to all the college professors who have awesome reviews on RateMyProfessor about how they're so inspirational and how they'll push you to your limits but they really do care about your success and will help you reach your full potential, but all their lectures only succeed in making me feel increasingly suicidal.

It's not your fault. I wish I could take your words of inspiration to heart and I wish I could rise to the challenges you put in front of me, but I'm just too inadequate and dysfunctional and every failure to meet your standards just serves as another reminder of that. You guys have done nothing wrong by trying to help.
 
God sometimes I hate my mom. She wonders why I say "I try to get out there but no one tolerates me". Well maybe it's because you've always picked on my appearance, I've always had to give up MY ACTIVITIES for my brothers. THEY NEVER HAD TO GO TO ANYTHING I FUCKING DID. Hell, one of them didn't even go to my first marching band game. I've ALWAYS been less than my brothers. and I'm always compared to them. I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I "cry too much" and have "something wrong" with me because of that. I just wanted to know what the fuck I was supposed to do when a coworker loses a family member for christ's sake! I'm sorry you didn't socialize me AT ALL. I'm sorry I never fucking spoke up. But you guys always yelled at me as a kid for CRYING. No wonder I'm so fucked up at this point in my life. That's not to say they were awful parents, but I'm socially awkward and we're BOTH to blame.
 
I hate my brain. I wish I could just shut it off sometimes. I really thought I was going to be happier now that I had things to look forward to but here I am crying myself to sleep wishing I wasn't so damn alone. I'm considering giving up on love and friendship. Those things don't seem to exist for someone as awful as me. I must be doing SOMETHING wrong if I can't keep people's attention. It's happened too often to be chance. At least that's what my brain says. I feel like a shell of a person. I'm not interesting or pretty and I doubt I have the willpower to get fit. Why am I even bothering? I lack knowledge, discipline, and the taste buds for this.
 
The caulk keeps coming off my shower doors. What the fuck. I know I fucked up the very first time but after that I got pretty good caulk and It looks like shit now with how much caulk is on there but still somehow it leaks and somehow it doesn't appear to cure right. I've redone this now THREE TIMES (yes scraping it off before reapplying too), it says it's cured in 1 hour, I've always waited at least 12.
The caulk says it's water proof so what's the deal?

Guess I will have to actually buy some marine caulk or something because fuck this....
 
I'm working really hard on a project, but other people are slacking off and I don't know what to do about it. There's less than two weeks left. It seems like the more I buckle down, the more people lose focus and try to shift blame. Ugh, why can't some people own up to their mistakes and move forward instead of arguing like toddlers?

Edit: It got worse. I tried to be assertive and they just ignored me. Let me out.
 
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Dear Insurance Agents,
I understand that you have a job to do, I do. However, calling me every damn five minutes is not going to make me any more inclined to buy insurance from you, especially when I end up missing a call from my kids' school telling me that my daughter was hurt. Me picking up the phone and hitting the end call button is better than what you deserve. Next time I'm going to get my daughter to scream into the phone before I hang up.

Sincerely,
One annoyed Mother
 
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I am fairly certain I will never amount to anything. I can barely keep up with my hobbies well, much the less any actual work. My self discipline is shit, my motivation is non existent, and no matter how many drugs I pour down my gullet, my moods are still unstable. I am at the mercy of their whims.

I wish I was rich so I could just live out my life as the abhorrent hedonist I truly wish to be. I would still be dead inside but at the very least I wouldn't have to worry about eating.

how people put up with me I don't know
I offer so little in the way of companionship, don't I
I am so loathsome

yet I'm probably going to do nothing about anything and will go to bed having accomplished nothing but eating fried chicken
 
Someone knocked on the door and left before I could get to the door. It's not a prank because they had to walk all the way up here. But I also see no notices that it was some sort of billing company. Um, wrong house? I am very confused. His truck had no company markings on it. At this point I'm just annoyed he didn't wait around especially since my desk light is on and completely in view of the door. I can't just materialize at the door, dude, give me some time with my weak knee. lol
 
So... there's a WalMart employee stalking my mother. He dresses in regular clothes on the floor and tries to act like another customer, which should tell us he's one of those people looking for shoplifters, but he actually literally stalks my mom every time she goes to the store. She's complained about it and but all that happened was that they changed the person so now another guy is stalking my mother. This has been happening for months now. She's become frightened of even going to the store alone because - well, who would want to be chased around aisles by strange men? It doesn't help that she was physically abused in her first marriage.

We know these guys work there because we've seen them working the registers before. She's never stolen anything so what the fuck? And why won't management help at all? Sending another dude just makes this more stressful. It's a case of us really wanting some sort of attorney to pursue WalMart, but the rates here are higher than what current living wages can afford. Can't really shop many other places because there just isn't that many stores. :/

Fuck this town.
 
"You shouldn't assume the worst case scenario!! Just relax and tell yourself that it'll all be ok (because it probably will)!!"

Ok but, consider this: if I relax and assume that things are going to turn out ok, then I'll go into full-blown panic mode when things don't turn out ok, and when the worst-case scenario does happen, because then I won't be prepared for that worst-case scenario, because I assumed I wouldn't need to prepare.

I'd rather be stressed and worried for a while, even if I don't have to be, so long as the worst-case-scenario is accounted for. Then, if things do turn out alright, as you seem to be convinced is the most likely outcome, then I'll be pleasantly surprised, and I'll have nothing to worry about, and it'll all be a huge relief.

But as it currently stands, I am FREAKING OUT, because I let you convince me to relax, and to assume it would all be ok, and now IT ISN'T. And I'm unprepared, because I thought I wouldn't have to worry about this happening. Because you said it was so unlikely that it would happen. AND YET, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. Every time I think I'm being irrationally worried, thinking about some crazy worst-case-scenario that probably isn't going to happen, and I eventually tell myself to relax because I'm being irrational... THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO DOES HAPPEN, AND I'M CAUGHT-OFF-GUARD, AND UNPREPARED, AND GO INTO A FULL-BLOWN PANIC.

So kindly shut up, please. Experience has taught me that when I'm worried about something, I'm worried for good reason. And if you would just let me be worried now, it might save me a whole lot of panic attacks in the long run. kthxbai
 
Getting this close to rock bottom really puts everything up until this point into perspective...
 
Me on Sundays: why is every Sunday like this
Me on Mondays: why is every Monday like this
Me on Tuesdays: why is every Tuesday like this
Me on Wednesdays: why is every Wednesday like this
Me on Thursdays: why is every Thursday like this
Me on Fridays: why is every Friday like this
Me on Saturdays: why is every Saturday like this

*facedesk* why does every day of the week feel so bleh in its own unique way?? why are all of them so exhausting??
 
"It's just a game"
If I keep telling myself this, then maybe losing a couple of dollars because people are fucking morons won't be such a big deal.

I'd have preferred to have burned those dollars, literally, though.

When there's a raid, in pokemon go, and there's 24 accounts, you need to split into two groups.
And when it's a legendary, you need to have a minimum of 5 people in a group. MINIMUM! (Unless everyone is over level 35, has the right pokemon with high IVs and powered up, but that's something really hard to do in the game)

So, when those who know what they are doing tell you to do at least ONE private group to split up the teams, don't tell them that they are being stupid and then jump into the public lobby anyway. On top of that, do not claim that it's completely stupid to want to split the two groups based on team so that the teams could BOTH get the extra balls (which are useful for the raid)

You screwed over me, my mom, my dad, and one other person. We always raid with your group and you know us!
If I had known that there was one more person that was going to get screwed over like that, then I could have asked a tight friend to hop out of the raid and we could take it with the five accounts. But we didn't know.

That's money down the fucking drain.

Thanks jackass.
And, yes, I am very bitter. Because you flat out told me that I didn't know what I was doing.
I'm sorry, but WHO was it that split the mewtwo raid up? Who was it who got over 100 players organized so that everyone had the team advantage, nobody got left out, and it was all run in a timely manner so that it wouldn't fall on it's face with the retarded 45 minutes for the raid? (I miss the 2 hour raids...)

Not you, bitch! Not you, stupid jackass! The two of you don't raid as much. The two of you aren't fucking leaders. And the two of you royally fucked over four players.
Thanks a ton.

We should have gone ahead and done the raid without the last four of you. We backed out and were going to do the two teams because of YOU guys. But you pull this shit instead.

Thanks.

And this is after I had my knee give out. (Thank the heavens above that I made it back to the van by then, so I didn't fall onto the harsh gravel. I just hit my bad hand against the hood of the van to catch myself. Not so sure which would be worse...)
I didn't have a jacket, and it's fucking cold out.
I was out there in the cold and wind to try and help everyone, and you all fucked me over.
And then you wonder why my family ducked out and said "Fuck it" to helping with any other raids today.

I'm glad that NOBODY involved with this caught it. I'm sorry that only TWO out of your large group caught the damn legendary, because that means that those who didn't intentionally fuck us over got caught up in your shitty karma.
I'm glad that you didn't get enough people for the other three raids that happened after that. Because you don't deserve the help after pulling this stunt. Again.
If it was an accident, or the first time that you have done this, then fine. I would give you the benefit of the doubt. But this is not the first time you have done this. You constantly screw over people in the large groups because you think you know it all and don't know a damn thing.

If you don't know how to set up a private group for the raid, then bugger off and let someone who knows what the hell they are talking about and doing handle it.

-sighs-
It's a stupid thing to get pissed off about, but that's $3.00 that was thrown away because of this. $3.00 that would have been put to better use as our lunch today. But c'est la vie.

If we see either of you two at a raid and there's more than six total people, then we're sitting it out. We're not wasting any money because you can't handle things. And if there's another EX raid and you're around, I'm not going to raid on your side. I'd rather raid with one of the other teams than to be in your group. I'll take the loss of three balls in order to not be of any aid to you.

I know this is petty, but whatever. It makes me feel better.



In other news, my uncle on my dad's side passed away last night. Lung cancer finally claimed him -sighs-
Sooooo, let's throw the stress of that in with the stress of now needing to make a completely unplanned trip out of state for a few days in the next week into the mix.
Oh, and the fact that I'll now have to, most likely, miss my best friend's younger sister's wedding, which has been planned for months and months, now, because of my own family issues.


At least it's almost Halloween. That's one good thing. Even if I'll most likely be spending it at home, with nothing to do other than RP and stare at a screen...
Maybe I should do my own scary movie marathon that night, possibly.
 
School keeps me on my toes twenty. Four. Seven. And if it isn't a lot of my classes, it's mainly just Pre Cal RUNNING ME RAGGED UGH. Then I started playing violin again after taking a (accidental) 6 year break X.X and when is at accidental I mean I stopped, was going to take it back up again but just never got to it DX I want to play but it's kicking my ass, everything I play sounds funky and squeaky and not so elegant. THEN I'm trying to improve my art and stay persistent with it in hopes to perfect or just improve my art as a whole. ALL OF THIS COLLIDES ALMSOT EVERY DAY. I have to dedicate a couple hours to do home work, a 30 minute break to just cry and sob, then play violin till my fingers are numb because I have no self control, then try to shove in my art and not make it shitty. As much as I love keeping myself busy, I'm a workaholic that enjoys busy schedules, doesn't mean I don't just wish for lazy days :-((
 
I get why people lie sometimes, but I don't understand why someone would tell a lie to freak someone out. It's really sad that she had to make up a bunch of fake drama and stir up even more trouble between us and our neighbors. I know she's miserable because her baby is sick, but she doesn't have to make our home life unbearable too. It's not our fault she has shitty genes. But I guess I can't blame it all on her. The assholes downstairs didn't have to assume she was telling the truth. The landlord can drive past the house at any time. He has eyes. He could have seen they had four cars in the parking lot when they're only supposed to have two.

I hate having neighbors.
 
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