I've been thinking a lot about things lately. And it led to me doing some soul-searching, and really trying to change the way I live my life in order to better myself. To stop feeling so much self-pity, and to place responsibility on myself for whether or not I succeed in life.
It resulted in me pushing myself probably harder than I can ever remember doing -- even skipping meals so that I had more time for things, pushing myself to keep working even when I was exhausted, and a few other things I don't want to talk about... But I kept telling myself it was worth it, because then I wouldn't feel like I was settling for a half-assed job. I would be able to turn in something that I was proud of, without blaming my failures on other things or acting like I have any excuse for not being able to work as efficiently as others. When I finished the video shoot, I felt good. I was really proud of getting that done.
Then I realized that one small mistake had thrown all my effort out the window. It looked just as lazy as if I hadn't bothered at all. And there would be no way to fix it. I would have to settle. My best effort wasn't good enough, and it showed. And there's no excuse for it. I can't blame it on my ADHD. I can't blame it on the shitty weather. I can't blame it on the fact that I'm so busy with work for other classes and so there's no time to do a reshoot. I can't blame it on the fact that I'm fucking exhausted and really need a break this long weekend. I can't blame it on the fact that my "actors" also have lives and aren't always available and I feel bad about barking at them to help me out so many times anyway. If I'm going to be able to function at all in the "real world", I can't give any excuses like that. I have to find a way. Even if it means not eating, or sleeping, or putting off work for a bunch of other things even though, later, I'm going to have to find some way to do the exact same thing with those -- because there's no excuse for not being able to handle that, either. I'm expected to be able to fix my mistakes.
And I tried. I thought I could. I felt good about tossing away my sense of self-pity and just placing all responsibility for my work on me alone with this "no excuses" attitude, even though a part of me kind of knew that I would be pushing my mind and body to the limit and probably die of a heart attack before I live to be 50 at the rate I'm pushing myself. But then it wasn't even good enough. Even when I knew I was pushing myself too hard, I didn't even have anything to show for it. Self-pitying "I have ADHD and therefore I can only work when my meds are working" Kaga can't function. And now it turns out that the "There are no excuses for any of my failures and I need to power through and find a way to make shit work no matter how hard it is" Kaga can't function either. I'm a lost fucking cause.
And not only that, but seeing all of "new and improved" Kaga's effort be wasted caused me so much stress that I was dizzy and hyperventilating and of course a sobbing fucking mess. I don't think I've ever felt so awful from stress. And worse yet, I still felt the need to push myself and get shit done, still trying to whittle away at an assignment even though I could barely breathe... because surely my emotional problems are no excuse, and for a functioning adult to let something like this stop them would be fucking inexcusable, right?
I just don't know what to do now. The obvious thing seems like it should be to just rest and de-stress for a while. But that feels like it's just weak Kaga talking. The Kaga who doesn't know how the real world works. The Kaga who won't be able to function in the real world. The Kaga who wallows in self-pity and blames everything on their own dysfunctional brain. I can't rest -- I have work to do! I need to get it all done!! I can't have any excuse for not doing it or half-assing it because I obviously have the time!! An adult wouldn't put themselves in this situation in the first place!!! It's my fault that any of these problems even exist, so I need to ignore all that and get right the fuck down to work because the only being responsible for fixing my problems is me!!!!
I legitimately don't know how I'm going to survive when I get out of college. Hell, I'm not even sure I can survive the rest of college. I just can't fucking do this. I can't be a functioning adult. I'm not strong enough. I'm not sharp enough. And I feel like any attempt to make myself better just makes me worse.
